He is coming to me for financial help.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 44
I am a good example. Last year around this time, my bf convinced me to sign over a $400 paycheck to him because he was supposedly in a financial rut w/ his rent etc. and told me he would pay me back $50-$100 @ a time. that was A YEAR ago. He HAS NOT payed me back and just as of almost 2 weeks ago, threw me out of his life. I'll never see that money again I'm sure. He also stole $400 from my mother shortly after my giving him $400 to "pay his lawyer off with."
Don't give him money. He can deal w/ his issues on his own. It took me A LONG time to learn that.
Don't give him money. He can deal w/ his issues on his own. It took me A LONG time to learn that.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Originally Posted by kelle 
The problem I am facing this second is his money issues.
These are "his" money issues. Not yours. Why doesn't he have money? Because of the consequences to his own behavior. Let him figure it out where to get the money from. Let the car get repossessed. It's a consequence to his addiction. If you cushion his fall by giving him the money then he will not learn.
I want to help him, but I just don't feel comfortable doing this.
These are "his" money issues. Not yours. Why doesn't he have money? Because of the consequences to his own behavior. Let him figure it out where to get the money from. Let the car get repossessed. It's a consequence to his addiction. If you cushion his fall by giving him the money then he will not learn.
I want to help him, but I just don't feel comfortable doing this.
You have responsibilities to take care of your own. Will he have your back in the same way now? I can look back now and realize all the crap I did for my exabf and I haven't seen a dime in return until this day. In fact, he owes me still and I'm not even sweating it. All I know is that I shouldn't have given him money as he will never pay it back. Once an addict has money, they aren't thinking about paying you back. They are thinking about where to get their drugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 15
I told him no right after i wrote this post.
I have seen my mom lend out money at any cost to my drug addict brother and my alcoholic sister. I have always tried to convince her not to do that, and when I was in the position it was a little different. But I ended up sticking to what I believe.
He took it just fine.
I told him no i'm sorry I can't. And he said that it was okay.
Later that day we ended up playing in the backyard with his family, so I know he didn't hold it against me. We actually had a really good day.
Anyway. I thank all of your for your advice. It's great to know that I can come here and relate to so many situations. I have never been able to talk about the addictions that are in my life so openly. The only person I have ever talked to about this stuff is my mom, so I can't tell you all how amazing it feels to be able to talk about things.
I recently talked to his mom about everything. She is a very stern and strict lady. She knows when to lay down the law. Which I think is exactly what an addict needs. I was raised in a different type of home. My mom has been my best friend growing up. Which doesn't work out so well for my siblings who have chosen not to live a sober life. Anyway... when I talked to his mom, she told me that she has never seen him love anyone like he does me. She knows he really cares about me, and that I really make a difference in his life. Whether or not I remain in a relationship with him, I will choose to be there for him as his friend. He really does treat me well despite what I am saying on SR. I am only saying the negative things, because I don't know where else to turn when I am having trouble with him. I hope you all can accept my choices.
I have seen my mom lend out money at any cost to my drug addict brother and my alcoholic sister. I have always tried to convince her not to do that, and when I was in the position it was a little different. But I ended up sticking to what I believe.
He took it just fine.
I told him no i'm sorry I can't. And he said that it was okay.
Later that day we ended up playing in the backyard with his family, so I know he didn't hold it against me. We actually had a really good day.
Anyway. I thank all of your for your advice. It's great to know that I can come here and relate to so many situations. I have never been able to talk about the addictions that are in my life so openly. The only person I have ever talked to about this stuff is my mom, so I can't tell you all how amazing it feels to be able to talk about things.
I recently talked to his mom about everything. She is a very stern and strict lady. She knows when to lay down the law. Which I think is exactly what an addict needs. I was raised in a different type of home. My mom has been my best friend growing up. Which doesn't work out so well for my siblings who have chosen not to live a sober life. Anyway... when I talked to his mom, she told me that she has never seen him love anyone like he does me. She knows he really cares about me, and that I really make a difference in his life. Whether or not I remain in a relationship with him, I will choose to be there for him as his friend. He really does treat me well despite what I am saying on SR. I am only saying the negative things, because I don't know where else to turn when I am having trouble with him. I hope you all can accept my choices.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Simply put: NO
Your giving him the money will not change a thing, next month the same story, just another reason. He is an addict, he is doing what addicts do.
He got himself into this mess, it is up to him to get himself out of it.
And, I agree with Angelic, keep your finances to yourself.
Finally, you are way too young to be mixed up with a man like him, he is toxic, has anger issues and is a drug addict. Let him go.
Your giving him the money will not change a thing, next month the same story, just another reason. He is an addict, he is doing what addicts do.
He got himself into this mess, it is up to him to get himself out of it.
And, I agree with Angelic, keep your finances to yourself.
Finally, you are way too young to be mixed up with a man like him, he is toxic, has anger issues and is a drug addict. Let him go.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
Kelle,
I'm so glad you said no. Keep saying no... it's the only way you can keep yourself from falling into the same trap your parents have with your siblings. And I know you don't want to end up like them.
Be careful, though, with staying with him... I'm not telling you what to do, but you saying that "he's really a great guy when he's not using" sounded a bit too much to me like battered women who say "he's really not so bad when he's not (INSERT AILMENT HERE)."
All I'm saying is that being in a relationship with an addict without having boundaries can be a very dangerous thing. Please make yourself sit down and create a set of boundaries and then stick to them.
I'm so glad you said no. Keep saying no... it's the only way you can keep yourself from falling into the same trap your parents have with your siblings. And I know you don't want to end up like them.
Be careful, though, with staying with him... I'm not telling you what to do, but you saying that "he's really a great guy when he's not using" sounded a bit too much to me like battered women who say "he's really not so bad when he's not (INSERT AILMENT HERE)."
All I'm saying is that being in a relationship with an addict without having boundaries can be a very dangerous thing. Please make yourself sit down and create a set of boundaries and then stick to them.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I am so glad you returned and are comfortable posting openly here! It is such a relief isn't it?
I would like to caution you that the "you are the best thing for him" scares me. Is he the best thing that could happen to your life?
It is so easy to get hooked into a troublesome relationship on just that kind of groundwork! Or at least it was for me!
I was going to "save him"! I was the best thing that happened to him! It was one of the worst things that have happened in my life to me. If we could love any one of our loved ones to health and well being, none of us would be here! darn! LOL
In any case, welcome! I hope you will feel at home!
I would like to caution you that the "you are the best thing for him" scares me. Is he the best thing that could happen to your life?
It is so easy to get hooked into a troublesome relationship on just that kind of groundwork! Or at least it was for me!
I was going to "save him"! I was the best thing that happened to him! It was one of the worst things that have happened in my life to me. If we could love any one of our loved ones to health and well being, none of us would be here! darn! LOL
In any case, welcome! I hope you will feel at home!
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
I agree with above^^^^^ keep coming back..."you have so much to learn"...and not just this problem but more....YOU walk when you feel your gut is telling you...they are red flags...! ....go to AL ANON and there is no harm in going to a few or 6 meetings... even ask his mom to go with you...YOU NEED IT!
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