URMYEVERYTHING

This is a question I posted on the other forum in regards to why the addict instills this anxiety/fear in us when we are contacted after a specific time has passed?

I have wondered throughout this process as I go no contact with exabf on why I get so anxious and panic ridden when I see a message or see a missed call. Typically with past relationships and other exbf's, I didn't have this feeling. No other ex's were addicts too. They may have cheated, etc. but I feel more empowered when speaking to them and not fall into some weak shaken baby.

Anyone else experience this feeling and why is it?

Hammerhead

My opinion...

1) No one can instill anything IN us.... we allow them to take us hostage... whether consciously or unconsciously.

2) When we've experience a cheater... the verdict/outcome is another person... in our mind that is tangible confirmation" (we can SEE the other person) that it's over. So when drugs/alcohol is involved.. there is NO "tangible confirmation"...just a series of odd behaviors, explanations and manipulation AND we some how think we can STILL save them.

3) The fear and anxiety that we feel is our "tug"... our "hook" to stay involved... very much like the alcohol to an alcoholic or the drug to the addict. The alcoholic/addict knows this ONLY because WE respond or have responded to their texts or messages... it's up to us to remove that tug or hook. The only way to do that is to not involve ourselves in their business AND do our own internal work.

My two cents.

tam

good question and great answer. I had posted yesterday about why they are angry at us? which causes anxiety/panic for me, which now makes sense why I get like this ! I too do not have any contact and do pretty good until that call comes in. I know that Im letting it bother me and thats probaly want they want it to do, bother us. So I need to practice more on that and find a way to get through that, I went for a run last night which helped (think I did alot of talking outloud,lol) but today I feel panicky, like an after affect. so going to a meeting tonight I know that will help. I seem to be better than I was in the beginning but still need work..getting there. sure has been and still will be a learning process.

freefalling

In some cases it is Post Traumatic Stress. I was so brainwashed into believing his lies and I was also brainwashed into believing that I deserved the abuse. When I got "out of line" - I could expect terrible behaviour from my STBXAH. He used verbal abuse , blameshifting and gaslighting to" scare me back into my place". I am now not responding anymore - but I am still "waiting"...for him to scare me. Does that make sense?

What the reasons are, it remains our responsibility to make ourselves better. Detach,detach detach! Do not react - it will give him another reason to "get to you".

I am also waiting to not feel any anxiety anymore. I have been married for far too long - 22 years. Detaching is easier said than done - but I am a work in process.

We will get there

hugs

Freedom1990

After I had moved away from EXAH and was in a safe place, I would end up in a tailspin for days on end when he called.

Adrenaline kicked into high gear anytime I picked up that phone and he was on the other end.

All the emotions would flood over me.

It did get easier with time.

When I was finally able to file for divorce, and had to go to court, it was different. There was no reaction within me other than seeing him as a sick addict as he was sitting on the other side of the room.

URMYEVERYTHING

These are all good answers.

I guess because the break up is new to me to just relax and go with it and grieve and allow myself some time.

I do have to figure out ways to not let him get under my skin. All of this is just too fresh and the wounds are running deep. I have so much resentment and anger not only with him but myself also for putting up with the crap when I knew it was crap. Feel me?

I just have to get some good coping skills into my toolbox that will help me cope when those calls come and what exactly to say instead of sounding like some crazy maniac. It doesn't matter what I say to him. It won't change what happened.

sunnygirl68

I remember when I was about a year into my own recovery (he had been in prison), when I found out he was going to be released two months prior, I went into a major panic attack and had to have some anti-anxiety meds prescribed. I wasnt afraid of him, but of myself, of losing my recovery time and falling back into the same co-dependant behaviours. Thankfully, I was able to hold my ground and establish a "workable" relationship with him and maintain my boundaries, without losing myself again. I think that is where my anxiety came from.

Freedom1990

Yep, I absolutely relate to that. I was very unforgiving towards myself for a long time. Working through the steps helped me find that forgiveness.

The wounds still are fresh, and you do have the choice to not talk to him.

I finally started hanging up on EXAH as soon as I knew it was him (that was back before caller ID), and eventually he quit calling.

It was like rubbing salt in a gaping wound every time I communicated with him.

We had no kids together, so there was zero reason for any further contact after I left him.

Chino

Figuring out what to do with the adrenaline used to be a problem for me. Sometimes simple breathing exercises help me, sometimes it's saying the serenity prayer, sometimes it's calming music, sometimes I need a heavy rockin' beat that forces me to physically move. Sometimes it's all of it, whatever works.

I say this because I think adrenaline gets overlooked sometimes. I got to a place where I understood all the 'whys' but the adrenaline still had to run it's course. I had to find ways to channel it so it stopped causing me physical harm from blood pressure spikes.

tchappy

I think for me it was fear of my reaction ( at least before I did all the work on myself) and I agree with freefalling that it was a little post traumatic stress.

I had went thought so much pain and stress after ending it with my exabf that I NEVER wanted to feel like that again. It was almost like seeing his name would remind me of how messed up I was to and just a reminder of that life I had put up with for so long. So at first when he was still trying to contact me I would freak when I saw his name, but now that I have changed my number I feel some freedom from it...he still tries about once a month on facebook or email, but I'm thankful I can just ignore and move on.

Angelic17

I think the reason for me is, and I can't speak for anyone else, is that there is so much drama involved in the relationship with the addict. Everytime the addict would ring my phone, I would get tremendous anxiety and fear just seeing his number appear on my cell phone. I know the exact feeling your talking about. For me it has to do with all of the drama associated with it. My addicted loved one is my son, so for me it was heart wrenching and always frightening. I never knew what crisis or drama was facing me on the other end. It was a form of terrorism for me. That's how I best described my sons addiction.

tam

exactly the drama!!! even little things would trigger him to get overwhelmed and harp on things. my stomach would sink,my heart would race when he called as I had to be careful what to say as within seconds it would get into a blown out drama scene. (yes I responded that way also) even though I tried to stay in control I couldnt. OMG this or OMG that, he lost his sense of humor. you couldnt hold a conversation with him, you could see his mind spinning he didnt seem like he was even listening, then when he took a pill he would dance and act fun yet a few minutes or hours later he could become a totally different person, all normalcy was gone. thats why the anxiety, depression, anger developed in me.

Callie

I have so much resentment and anger not only with him but myself also for putting up with the crap when I knew it was crap. Feel me?

I'm really struggling with this with myself right now. I look back at how lost I was in the tornado that I didn't take the time to stop and say wtf?? For me, it was blow after blow, episode after episode that I didn't say STOP I want off this ride. At the time I felt like I couldn't get off, I was spinning so fast. Kind of like jumping off of one of those rides that go round and round so fast. If you jump, you die, you just wait for it to slow so you can safely remove yourself and vow to never ride it again.

URMYEVERYTHING

I think this is exactly what I would call it in my situation. I never knew what was coming and I always find myself saying, "What in the heck is it now?" I would find myself building up a defense before he even spoke the words "Hello."

It's funny...the exabf would refer to it as "torture." He use to say, "I know this must be like torture for you." When I look back....that is exactly how I felt.

I felt trapped, overwhelmed, panicked and anxious. It takes days for me to recover and it seems like once I get myself into a peaceful place then boom there is an attempted contact somehow.

I sometimes think that by blocking him on FB, then blocking him on email, then changing my number there are ways he can still find me to continue with the contact. Yep, exactly like torture.

It just frustrates me that you can do all you can to avoid contact and they continue to get at you by creating a new email account, calling from blocked numbers, etc. I shouldn't have to feel trapped to change my existence by changing my stable contacts I had for years and years to avoid this person. It just gets frustrating and feels like an endless battle some days.

I'm praying he can just disappear. Move on. Find someone else to latch on too (even though I would hate it for that person) but that's not for me to control or care.

Just frustrating as heck!

URMYEVERYTHING

Same here and the biggest guilt of it all is that I posted here during this drama and I didn't listen. I was too busy defending my addict. I always ask myself why. Maybe it was me being naive (never having experienced dating an addict). Maybe in a way I was codependent. I haven't quite figured it out yet but I do know that I won't put myself in this situation again. I have no ties (marriage, kids, etc) to stay in contact which makes it even more easier to let go. But I really feel like a donkey butt right now. LOL.

Angelic17

Don't feel like a Donkey Butt. This is how we learn. By our mistakes. So be proud of yourself for learning your lesson. Be thankful that you are not married, and don't have kids with the addict. Now make a better decision when picking the person you will marry and have children with.

URMYEVERYTHING

Thanks Angel...when and if that person comes into my life I will rush on here and post about it. I won't take for granted the words of wisdom given on here again.

Keep it moving....hey, I should change my user name to this if it isn't taken already. LOL.

Callie

Same here and the biggest guilt of it all is that I posted here during this drama and I didn't listen. I was too busy defending my addict. I always ask myself why. Maybe it was me being naive (never having experienced dating an addict). Maybe in a way I was codependent. I haven't quite figured it out yet but I do know that I won't put myself in this situation again.

SAME thing here. I had a thread going on this winter where I posted event after event after event. Cynical - the butt that she is (j/k girlie) mentioned something about the thread being closed by admin. because I'd gotten the best of the best advice as far as SR was concerned. I was so far wrapped up in XAH and saving him from himself, myself from the humiliation that he was bringing to myself and my family that it didn't really matter what SR said about detaching. For me, I made it IMPOSSIBLE to detach. I was in the MIDST of the most chaotic events of my life. Like jumping off of of those high swings that go around fast @ the fair. I was more afraid to get off than to just stay on until it slowed to jump off and run away. I STILL finding myself in line for another ride I suppose...

sofacat

I think, for Me... if and when Mr.Sofa calls I feel elated because in my codie heart, I feel he still NEEDS Me. And when he NEEDS Me....I become empowered.

I also get a little excited because I am STILL waiting for the day when He contacts Me to tell Me He is getting help for himself, tells Me he is sorry...and that I WAS RIGHT.
I ALMOST got that e mail the other day. He was close to it....but not quite there yet.
( He's still hiding his addiction ).

Not very healthy reasons to get elevated for sure...but still workin' on Me.

Good post. Thanks.

Teenie

this happens to me ALL the time. I almost turn into a crazy person if i get a call/e-mail etc. from him and i can't stop shaking. It's almost a massive adrenaline rush and my head won't stop racing. I have no idea what it is. I know that when i get a call or anything, my hopes are that he's calling to tell me that he's ok and getting help for good this time and i get nervous and excited all @ the same time.