Bf comes back from rehab early! 2MORO!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Bf comes back from rehab early! 2MORO!
i am literally seized in a perpetual state of panic.
going to a meeting later tonight.
his father emailed me this AM - i had written the father asking for an update and then talking about my experience with al-anon and this website and just in general talking about my feelings.
dad wrote back very curt that my bf is coming back tomorrow- ignored all the sentiments in my email, basically. he's only been in rehab 15 days.
it's no wonder the boy has problems, given the way his parents act -- they are definitely "don't talk, don't trust, don't feel."
as some of you may remember, i snooped in this guy's stuff since he's been gone and found out a bunch of incriminating stuff. he's gonna know i snooped too, as soon as he checks his email.
i don't even know what to think! i had really hoped there would be a chance to meet with the family therapist at the rehab facility together so we could have some facilitated communication. . . i cannot handle things going back to how they were before he left.
i just don't know what to expect from him. will he be more open? or will my transgression shut him down completely and he'll cut me off? (which makes me a MENTAL PATIENT) i don't know how to proceed. . .
we have a lot of stuff to talk about. . . i am so worried with him going back to his parents house, they totally s*ck and don't believe in talking about anything and they certainly don't believe in emotions -- if he cuts me out before we even have a chance to hash things out, i will FREEEEEEEEAK.
i really see how this kind of screwed up relationship is my drug, btw. it's so obvious. doesn't make it easier right now though.
going to a meeting later tonight.
his father emailed me this AM - i had written the father asking for an update and then talking about my experience with al-anon and this website and just in general talking about my feelings.
dad wrote back very curt that my bf is coming back tomorrow- ignored all the sentiments in my email, basically. he's only been in rehab 15 days.
it's no wonder the boy has problems, given the way his parents act -- they are definitely "don't talk, don't trust, don't feel."
as some of you may remember, i snooped in this guy's stuff since he's been gone and found out a bunch of incriminating stuff. he's gonna know i snooped too, as soon as he checks his email.
i don't even know what to think! i had really hoped there would be a chance to meet with the family therapist at the rehab facility together so we could have some facilitated communication. . . i cannot handle things going back to how they were before he left.
i just don't know what to expect from him. will he be more open? or will my transgression shut him down completely and he'll cut me off? (which makes me a MENTAL PATIENT) i don't know how to proceed. . .
we have a lot of stuff to talk about. . . i am so worried with him going back to his parents house, they totally s*ck and don't believe in talking about anything and they certainly don't believe in emotions -- if he cuts me out before we even have a chance to hash things out, i will FREEEEEEEEAK.
i really see how this kind of screwed up relationship is my drug, btw. it's so obvious. doesn't make it easier right now though.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
(((ND)))
Babysteps my friend. One day at a time. He's not home yet.
As someone else on this forum (Anvil, perhaps?) told me once... how other people react to my choices is not my problem. You're thinking far enough down the line to give anyone a panic attack. Take it back a few notches and don't worry about what's down the road. You'll get there and you'll deal with it.
You don't have to know what to expect of him. Right now, HE probably doesn't even know what to expect of him.
Hopefully he'll be more focused on his own recovery than he will be on your relationship right now. But if he chooses to act poorly because of a mistake you made, that's his problem. Don't forget how many mistakes he has made, and just remind yourself that right now you have to focus on YOUR recovery.
Remember the three c's:
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
and focus on all the great material you heard at your meeting last night.
Babysteps my friend. One day at a time. He's not home yet.
As someone else on this forum (Anvil, perhaps?) told me once... how other people react to my choices is not my problem. You're thinking far enough down the line to give anyone a panic attack. Take it back a few notches and don't worry about what's down the road. You'll get there and you'll deal with it.
You don't have to know what to expect of him. Right now, HE probably doesn't even know what to expect of him.
Hopefully he'll be more focused on his own recovery than he will be on your relationship right now. But if he chooses to act poorly because of a mistake you made, that's his problem. Don't forget how many mistakes he has made, and just remind yourself that right now you have to focus on YOUR recovery.
Remember the three c's:
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
and focus on all the great material you heard at your meeting last night.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
He needs to focus on his recovery, that is his priorty. Your relationship should be sitting on the back burner for now.
Have you been going to meetings? Your codependency is very apparent in the your post.
Let him go where he needs to go, and, give him some space, there is no rush to jump right back with him. See what he does and where he is in his recovery.
Have you been going to meetings? Your codependency is very apparent in the your post.
Let him go where he needs to go, and, give him some space, there is no rush to jump right back with him. See what he does and where he is in his recovery.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
I would have to agree with Cynical. Be very weery about his early discharge from rehab. Typically, there is some BS excuse (ex. food was nasty, someone stole my phone, people are rude, etc.) as to why they leave early. But just detach and put up your boundaries when he gets home.
Put it behind you that you snooped. If he gets angry about you snooping and wants to storm out the house then that's a choice he's making. If he relapses, then that's your ticket out. Trust me....no need to continue in the chaos especially when the addict gives you a way out.
Put it behind you that you snooped. If he gets angry about you snooping and wants to storm out the house then that's a choice he's making. If he relapses, then that's your ticket out. Trust me....no need to continue in the chaos especially when the addict gives you a way out.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I guess his reaction will tell you alot. I snooped through my husband's things when we was away and when he got back. I actually told him about it and explained I did it b/c I was so concerned about him (which was true). He totally understood b/c he could see at this time what he had put me through.
I guess my question is, in a good relationship should there be any hiding?? There is nothing I have that someone could not snoop through b/c I am not hiding anything.
I agree with the above post, two weeks is not enough. My husband was not doing drugs but was in for 30 days for alcohol and in my opinion that could have been longer as it took a good two weeks of even being there before it even began to help. He then had to continue to pursue it when he returned outside of rehab which I thank my lucky stars he has.
I wish more than anything I would have said to my husband to stay away from our house until he is totally better and on his feet. The past few months has been hard. Think about this and try to consider it for your own health.
Good Luck and God Bless!
I guess my question is, in a good relationship should there be any hiding?? There is nothing I have that someone could not snoop through b/c I am not hiding anything.
I agree with the above post, two weeks is not enough. My husband was not doing drugs but was in for 30 days for alcohol and in my opinion that could have been longer as it took a good two weeks of even being there before it even began to help. He then had to continue to pursue it when he returned outside of rehab which I thank my lucky stars he has.
I wish more than anything I would have said to my husband to stay away from our house until he is totally better and on his feet. The past few months has been hard. Think about this and try to consider it for your own health.
Good Luck and God Bless!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: My Room
Posts: 138
anvilhead. . . yes i do fear him.
but there were times when he was supportive and loving. we have always had a dysfunctional relationship, though. despite that, he is someone who i believe has great potential and is actually very spiritual.
i fear him now because of the way he has reacted for the past 6 months. consistently, it has been horrendous behavior. prior to then, yes he had his dramatic outbursts and histrionics, but nothing like when he was in the throes of his pill addiction. this is someone who i could talk to at least 90% of the time before this happened and get understanding. . then it switched to almost never. anytime truth was uttered or getting close to be uttered, he absolutely shut down or stormed out or hung up and would leave me hanging for days.
this was devastating for me, given my codependency - i would literally feel that the world was ending.
but i don't have to freak out, it's true.
he came home today (not to my house) and we talked. he found out about my transgression (going thru his stuff to prove infidelity) pretty quickly, as i had expected he would. he brought it up towards the end of an otherwise pretty good conversation about his 15 days in rehab.
i admitted what i had done and he got a bit curt with me. got off the phone very quickly and did mumble something about "not being able to deal" on his "first day home while in recovery."
i was a bit panicky when this happened. but i forced myself not to call back or text. i did mentally compose an email, but this gave me some peace because i was sorting out my feelings on the subject. i laid down on my couch and tried to breathe. and then i got up and went to a meeting.
i got some relief there and heard a lot of inspiring things. the rest of my evening was spent getting little jolts of panic that i tried to breathe through and focus on the positive things i'd heard.
he did call me back later and we had a better discussion. he went to his first meeting on the outside tonight.
i felt better before he called me back and we talked, but i can't deny the fact that we were able to actually communicate is what's making me feel total relief. if he had not called, i know i would still be fighting all my fear and bad thoughts. though i believe it was truly not as bad as yesterday. yesterday i could not function. today, i did a little better.
but there were times when he was supportive and loving. we have always had a dysfunctional relationship, though. despite that, he is someone who i believe has great potential and is actually very spiritual.
i fear him now because of the way he has reacted for the past 6 months. consistently, it has been horrendous behavior. prior to then, yes he had his dramatic outbursts and histrionics, but nothing like when he was in the throes of his pill addiction. this is someone who i could talk to at least 90% of the time before this happened and get understanding. . then it switched to almost never. anytime truth was uttered or getting close to be uttered, he absolutely shut down or stormed out or hung up and would leave me hanging for days.
this was devastating for me, given my codependency - i would literally feel that the world was ending.
but i don't have to freak out, it's true.
he came home today (not to my house) and we talked. he found out about my transgression (going thru his stuff to prove infidelity) pretty quickly, as i had expected he would. he brought it up towards the end of an otherwise pretty good conversation about his 15 days in rehab.
i admitted what i had done and he got a bit curt with me. got off the phone very quickly and did mumble something about "not being able to deal" on his "first day home while in recovery."
i was a bit panicky when this happened. but i forced myself not to call back or text. i did mentally compose an email, but this gave me some peace because i was sorting out my feelings on the subject. i laid down on my couch and tried to breathe. and then i got up and went to a meeting.
i got some relief there and heard a lot of inspiring things. the rest of my evening was spent getting little jolts of panic that i tried to breathe through and focus on the positive things i'd heard.
he did call me back later and we had a better discussion. he went to his first meeting on the outside tonight.
i felt better before he called me back and we talked, but i can't deny the fact that we were able to actually communicate is what's making me feel total relief. if he had not called, i know i would still be fighting all my fear and bad thoughts. though i believe it was truly not as bad as yesterday. yesterday i could not function. today, i did a little better.
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and he left rehab early because the insurance would not cover any more days.
his therapist there recommended to his father that he leave, and said he was doing really well. his father told me all this.
my bf told me he wished he could have stayed. he said he enjoyed working on himself there. private payment at this facility was not an option given his and his family's finances. .. that is what he and his dad told me. i can't really comment on that being true or false because i don't know the numbers.
i know it could be BS, but i dont think in this case it is. i know i need to be wary, but this is hopeful, is it not?
his therapist there recommended to his father that he leave, and said he was doing really well. his father told me all this.
my bf told me he wished he could have stayed. he said he enjoyed working on himself there. private payment at this facility was not an option given his and his family's finances. .. that is what he and his dad told me. i can't really comment on that being true or false because i don't know the numbers.
i know it could be BS, but i dont think in this case it is. i know i need to be wary, but this is hopeful, is it not?
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
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i would say let him take the lead. don't prod him, don't have the big sit-down to talk about all the big stuff...let him approach you. i believe this is the greatest indicator of whether or not things really will change. emphasis on WILL. right now he has had barely a blip of sobriety - it's such a short time it is nothing really.
if you can take a giant step back, and observe, work on yourself, and not have these dialogues with his father, that's a good place to start.
keep coming to sober recovery - we are here for you.
if you can take a giant step back, and observe, work on yourself, and not have these dialogues with his father, that's a good place to start.
keep coming to sober recovery - we are here for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: My Room
Posts: 138
keep coming to sober recovery - we are here for you.
it's amazing how comforting and encouraging these simple words can be.
right now he has had barely a blip of sobriety - it's such a short time it is nothing really.
his friends (one of whom has been in recovery for maybe 3 years) say that we really need to be there for him now that he's out. they are certainly not as codependent with him as i am, but they have been affected by all the stuff he did that caused us to have an intervention in the first place. . .
i feel torn between wanting to support him and then feeling guilty that i am even thinking about being kind to him . . .
our situation with the snooping and infidelity. . . we decided that we will talk about it with the help of a counselor or therapist since neither of us feel equipped to do it without some facilitation.
i think i am probably going to see him today. i am going to a meeting first.
i am telling you all i'm going to see him even though i will probably get hell for it. i guess there is no point in not being honest.
i am looking forward to seeing him too. is it okay to not beat myself up over this? i have been doing the meetings, seeing my therapist regularly, and reading literature. i am committed to working on myself. so why do i feel like i'm failing for wanting to see him?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I don't know why you fail like you're failing for wanting to see him.
The best help/support you can be for him is to work your own program of recovery like you want him to work his.
You're on the right path to healing for yourself, okay?
The best help/support you can be for him is to work your own program of recovery like you want him to work his.
You're on the right path to healing for yourself, okay?
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: FL
Posts: 173
OMG was just going to ask the question regarding the "dont ask, dont tell" issue. My father was an alcoholic drinker for 50 years. He finally collapsed and by the grace of God only lived. We do not discuss his drinking or the hell we went through with wife #3 and his 6 week recovery. He was like a stroke victim and now he acts like nothing ever happened. Mom is addicted to RX meds. Don't think it will help to talk to them, that's why I talk to you guys!
Good luck!! This place is a huge help. Dont have any advice on the BF, dont have one, but dad sounds kinda manipilative?? You have to do what is best for you!! Trying to take my own advice right now!
Melissa
Good luck!! This place is a huge help. Dont have any advice on the BF, dont have one, but dad sounds kinda manipilative?? You have to do what is best for you!! Trying to take my own advice right now!
Melissa
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