tam

My ah left in december and of course I was devastated and tried everything to work it out. thank goodness I sought support and learned how to handle the situation much better. In the beginning we were in contact with each other and not one single contact was healthy, things were sad out of anger. It was a continous struggle back and forth. however, I have set and stuck to my boundaries a few months ago, have sought great support and have learned how to recover my life into some sort of normalcy. I do not respond , call , visit, spy (etc) anymore and as much as its hard for me to do I finally have realized that its also healthy for me too to not do those things. He left, he found new a family, he wanted to move on with his addiction. I have accepted that. I pay for everything in the house, I do all the chores, I work fulltime, where he doesnt work, has no bills, the people feed him etc..all I require of him is to pay me his health insurance premium each month so that I can keep the home. I have been more than fair and he should be thankful for that yet he lives me messages when to expect the money under the mat, but his tone and message is in anger. I gave him his freedom, thats what he wanted, he should be happy he is taken care of and can continue the pills. why do they want to keep us in turmoil and want to battle?

ladyamalthea

Honestly, I don't think they think of it as keeping us in turmoil. Addicts and alcoholics tend to be very immature and selfish, and I don't see them thinking far enough ahead to have any of their behaviors be driven by how someone else will feel. If anything, sounds like he's just miserable in his own problems, or maybe he's irritated that he's tied to you at all, seeing as how he wanted to move on.

Remember, misery loves company, and people who are miserable generally hate being around people who are not. And since he's not thinking about your feelings, the idea that you are already hurting has not crossed his mind.

Can I ask you a question, though? Would your insurance premiums go down enough if you took him off so that you would not need him to bring you that money? If he's still on your insurance, there's always the chance that you may be held responsible for his bills if there is a problem. I know there may be timing issues, since most companies only let you change your insurance during open enrollment periods, but it may be worth finding out what your options are.

Impurrfect

(((Tam))) - I'm an RA, as well as a recovering codie.

When we A's use, we just don't THINK right. I know that I often reacted in anger, to my family, when I was still using because..they reminded me of how I was messing up, just by hearing the hurt in their voice or actually seeing the pain in their eyes; I didn't WANT to deal with reality...I just wanted to stay high.

I wasn't angry at them. I was angry at ME, but was too messed up to do anything about it or even realize it. It wasn't until I was in recovery that I recognized this.

As hard as it is, try to not take it personal. I know it's hard because I had to do the same with my XABF, and I KNEW he was just lashing out because I was in recovery and he was still using. I represented "reality" to him (he'd lost me, I was living my life without him) and he just didn't want to deal with it.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

tam

he is miserable..down right miserable, he chose a life with no existence and Im sure Im still to blame, but Im not taking the blame anymore.
as far as insurance, he needs to stay on the plan for his high medical costs for his mental illness meds/hospitalization ,diabetes etc.as long as we are still married with assets as I would be responsible for those costs if he werent insured and gov't ins.plan doesnt cover alot. Its an excellent plan with very low copays vs.any ssd supplemental plans. he tried to find alternative plans but nothing compared and again the current plan is affordable and worth it to him. he just has to leave me a message 1 time a month to tell me where the money is, no big deal for me really.