anxiety over something dumb, but i can't help it!
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anxiety over something dumb, but i can't help it!
arggh. . . i feel guilty even posting this, it seems so dumb.
i came here last week bc my bf went to rehab and i was getting angry at him for stuff i found out he had done. . .
but what i NEGLECTED to mention is i found out all this stuff because i logged onto his facebook page and read his personal messages. i got his password for his email when he went into rehab bc he thought his parents would need it to maybe pay bills or something. i told myself DON'T try it on facebook, but of course a few days later i did (this was all last week before i joined SR - not that i probably wouldn't have done it anyway, lol)
i've had a little contact with him in rehab, he seems ok, pretty good. i am now letting myself get FREAKED about him coming back home and finding out i did this and getting furious with me.
i know it's a breach of privacy. .. but in some ways, i felt i had a right to know-- cuz there was definitely stuff i read that i did NOT know was going on and it was SHADY (involving other girls, etc). my therapist told me not to worry about it; she said he's a sick person, so why shouldn't i know the truth?
i don't know how i feel about it now. just consumed with anxiety. i mean. . .it happened, i did it, i can't take it back. and i don't know how to defend myself against the emotional abuse that is sure to come from this.
does anyone have experience with anything like this? i am not going to dump him or tell him to get out of my life. i know you probably all want me to do that for his lying, but i am not there. . . yet.
this seems like such a dumb problem. but it's really on my mind. . .
i came here last week bc my bf went to rehab and i was getting angry at him for stuff i found out he had done. . .
but what i NEGLECTED to mention is i found out all this stuff because i logged onto his facebook page and read his personal messages. i got his password for his email when he went into rehab bc he thought his parents would need it to maybe pay bills or something. i told myself DON'T try it on facebook, but of course a few days later i did (this was all last week before i joined SR - not that i probably wouldn't have done it anyway, lol)
i've had a little contact with him in rehab, he seems ok, pretty good. i am now letting myself get FREAKED about him coming back home and finding out i did this and getting furious with me.
i know it's a breach of privacy. .. but in some ways, i felt i had a right to know-- cuz there was definitely stuff i read that i did NOT know was going on and it was SHADY (involving other girls, etc). my therapist told me not to worry about it; she said he's a sick person, so why shouldn't i know the truth?
i don't know how i feel about it now. just consumed with anxiety. i mean. . .it happened, i did it, i can't take it back. and i don't know how to defend myself against the emotional abuse that is sure to come from this.
does anyone have experience with anything like this? i am not going to dump him or tell him to get out of my life. i know you probably all want me to do that for his lying, but i am not there. . . yet.
this seems like such a dumb problem. but it's really on my mind. . .
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Here's my take on this... and I may be way off, so take it at face value.
You've done it. You can't take it back. He's also made mistakes that he can't take back. Clearly that pendulum has swung both ways, whether the mistakes are equal or not is irrelevant at this point.
Let him focus on his recovery for now, and you focus on yours. If he's at a traditional rehab facility, they are encouraging him to work the 12 steps. One of those steps, later in the program, deals with acknowledging the hurt you have caused others. He may choose to include his indiscretions that you found out about on facebook in that list, he may not. But either way, I think you both have more important things to be thinking about, like moving forward.
Will this need to be dealt with at some point in the future? Probably. But stressing about it now is not doing you any favors. And hopefully by the time it does surface, you'll have a better handle on how you want to proceed, and so will he.
You've done it. You can't take it back. He's also made mistakes that he can't take back. Clearly that pendulum has swung both ways, whether the mistakes are equal or not is irrelevant at this point.
Let him focus on his recovery for now, and you focus on yours. If he's at a traditional rehab facility, they are encouraging him to work the 12 steps. One of those steps, later in the program, deals with acknowledging the hurt you have caused others. He may choose to include his indiscretions that you found out about on facebook in that list, he may not. But either way, I think you both have more important things to be thinking about, like moving forward.
Will this need to be dealt with at some point in the future? Probably. But stressing about it now is not doing you any favors. And hopefully by the time it does surface, you'll have a better handle on how you want to proceed, and so will he.
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no, i think you are wise and that makes sense.
he is in a traditional rehab facility and definitely working on the 12 steps.
only problem is (and the reason i'm having anxiety), is i don't know how long he's going to be in rehab. it keeps changing depending on the insurance. . .first it was 10 days, then 15. as things stand now, he could come home friday which means this will get "discovered" sooner rather than later.
if i knew he was in for the full month or whatever, i could let it go a bit more. it's very aggravating not knowing from week to week if he is going to be coming back to the real world or staying in. i wish he could stay in for months!
he is in a traditional rehab facility and definitely working on the 12 steps.
only problem is (and the reason i'm having anxiety), is i don't know how long he's going to be in rehab. it keeps changing depending on the insurance. . .first it was 10 days, then 15. as things stand now, he could come home friday which means this will get "discovered" sooner rather than later.
if i knew he was in for the full month or whatever, i could let it go a bit more. it's very aggravating not knowing from week to week if he is going to be coming back to the real world or staying in. i wish he could stay in for months!
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I see why that would cause you to stress. If you're anything like me, it's easier to put something on the back burner when I know when I'll have to deal with it again; the unknown makes it much scarier.
Try to remember, though, that if he happens to discover this on his own, he will deal with it. Or not. You cannot control him or his reactions, you can only control your part of the puzzle. If it comes up, I'm sure you'll have the strength to know what needs to be said. Until then, try to relax and focus on you- save your energy for when you need it.
Try to remember, though, that if he happens to discover this on his own, he will deal with it. Or not. You cannot control him or his reactions, you can only control your part of the puzzle. If it comes up, I'm sure you'll have the strength to know what needs to be said. Until then, try to relax and focus on you- save your energy for when you need it.
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My RABF and I have had some discussions over me looking into his personal files when he was abusing drugs. He is very unhappy with me for doing it. He feels like I violated his privacy. i agree with him, and am trying not to do it in the future. If I start to do something that involves me obsessing about him or looking through his stuff, I try to stop myself. I don't think you need to beat yourself up over it. You are not perfect. Your boyfriend is not perfect, either. It sounds like you were in a unhealthy situation where you felt a need to look through his stuff. It sounds like you don't trust him, and that he was not being trustworthy. Maybe, that should be the bigger issue?
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Im with Bluebelle, when you feel you need to do the 'find out' thing, there were problems there all along. You suspected, you were right, so what are you going to do about it now. Will you ever trust him?
Whether he is an alcoholic or not, once you dont trust someone and have the need to validate your suspicions and you were right all along, think about it, now you know, is there a consequence or not?
You seem more worried about him finding out what you have done and how he is going to react. Id be more concerned with the things you still dont know.
Whether he is an alcoholic or not, once you dont trust someone and have the need to validate your suspicions and you were right all along, think about it, now you know, is there a consequence or not?
You seem more worried about him finding out what you have done and how he is going to react. Id be more concerned with the things you still dont know.
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Originally Posted by NightandDay 
i don't know how i feel about it now. just consumed with anxiety. i mean. . .it happened, i did it, i can't take it back. and i don't know how to defend myself against the emotional abuse that is sure to come from this.
No one can abuse you unless you allow them to do so.
Is there some reason why you would consider spending another moment dwelling on someone who treated you so poorly?
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Sometimes we think we need to know every wrong that was done to us...but really most of the time it doesnt matter. You already know enough about the things he has done that ulimately caused you pain. I totally understand where you are coming from, before I started my own recovery I was such a master detective, figuring out passwords, checking his voice mail from another phone, searching vehicles and checking his stories. More often than not, I proved my gut feeling correctly!
It was such a stressful and chaotic life that I reached the point that it did not matter what he had done, as long as he was an active addict, it wouldnt stop. I then had to make the choice about how I was going to handle MY life instead of his. I never realized how much happiness I was wasting by worrying about what he was doing instead of living my own life. Remember, you can only change YOU.
Peace
It was such a stressful and chaotic life that I reached the point that it did not matter what he had done, as long as he was an active addict, it wouldnt stop. I then had to make the choice about how I was going to handle MY life instead of his. I never realized how much happiness I was wasting by worrying about what he was doing instead of living my own life. Remember, you can only change YOU.
Peace
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thanks everyone for your posts. you are all right in many ways.
i think the crux of the matter is this: we dated many years ago. and i was the one who was wrong first. see, we started dating and then he told me he loved me. and i said i thought we should not date anymore. and then he got very depressed, threatened suicide, dropped out of school. when he came back, i don't know, it's like my ability to be honest with him shut down. and he was someone i cared about, so when it looked like i could only have him in my life as my boyfriend or else not have him in it at all, i chose to date him. yeah, i was 19 at this point.
and this was a disaster. i cheated on him. with other people that i REALLY liked. and when he found out about it, i lied to his face. because i think i felt i couldn't go through more suicide drama or maybe just because i was selfish. so you see, i cast the first stone. and then i continued to for many years until i finally left him for a mutual friend. he told me then i was "sent to this earth to make his life hell."
we didn't talk for 3 years. and slowly, i got older, and i missed him and i regretted not being honest with him. when we started talking again, i tried my hardest to be clear about what was going on in my life. and i think i started to feel like i needed to make it up to him. "wouldn't it be great if i could right this wrong?" i thought to myself.
so i really extended myself and tried to show him that i was a good person now. or that i always had been, but had made some mistakes. but he was very hurt by me, and going through his stuff, i find him saying things like "well, once your girl cheats on you the best thing is you can do whatever you want guilt-free."
i know, it all seems like so much junk, just walk away right? but i wouldnt' want someone to walk away from me and i've done a lot of crappy things. that is where i get hung up.
i mean, how can i make these judgments that someone else is not good for me and has character flaws when i have been guilty of the same?
i think the crux of the matter is this: we dated many years ago. and i was the one who was wrong first. see, we started dating and then he told me he loved me. and i said i thought we should not date anymore. and then he got very depressed, threatened suicide, dropped out of school. when he came back, i don't know, it's like my ability to be honest with him shut down. and he was someone i cared about, so when it looked like i could only have him in my life as my boyfriend or else not have him in it at all, i chose to date him. yeah, i was 19 at this point.
and this was a disaster. i cheated on him. with other people that i REALLY liked. and when he found out about it, i lied to his face. because i think i felt i couldn't go through more suicide drama or maybe just because i was selfish. so you see, i cast the first stone. and then i continued to for many years until i finally left him for a mutual friend. he told me then i was "sent to this earth to make his life hell."
we didn't talk for 3 years. and slowly, i got older, and i missed him and i regretted not being honest with him. when we started talking again, i tried my hardest to be clear about what was going on in my life. and i think i started to feel like i needed to make it up to him. "wouldn't it be great if i could right this wrong?" i thought to myself.
so i really extended myself and tried to show him that i was a good person now. or that i always had been, but had made some mistakes. but he was very hurt by me, and going through his stuff, i find him saying things like "well, once your girl cheats on you the best thing is you can do whatever you want guilt-free."
i know, it all seems like so much junk, just walk away right? but i wouldnt' want someone to walk away from me and i've done a lot of crappy things. that is where i get hung up.
i mean, how can i make these judgments that someone else is not good for me and has character flaws when i have been guilty of the same?
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Even if you have made mistakes just like he has, in the past, why should you not move forward? Just because you are not perfect, does that mean you deserve to be miserable for even one more day? His being irrational is not your fault, no matter what he is being irrational about. You cannot control him, you can only control you.
One thing I was reminded of at my meeting last night was that we have to take things one day at a time. So, instead of making any decisions today about whether or not you want to leave him for good, maybe the easier way to view this is that, just for today, you will not be a slave to his tirades. Just for today, you will not allow him to make you feel bad. Take it in baby steps for now, and see how you feel later down the line. If you aren't putting pressure on yourself to decide now, maybe you'll have time to look more objectively at the entire situation.
One thing I was reminded of at my meeting last night was that we have to take things one day at a time. So, instead of making any decisions today about whether or not you want to leave him for good, maybe the easier way to view this is that, just for today, you will not be a slave to his tirades. Just for today, you will not allow him to make you feel bad. Take it in baby steps for now, and see how you feel later down the line. If you aren't putting pressure on yourself to decide now, maybe you'll have time to look more objectively at the entire situation.
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ladyalmanthea! you went to your meeting last night??? 
i'm so happy for you! I am going tonight at 6:30 to my first one!
it sounds like you found some comfort and advice there. . . thank you for your kind words. . . i think that sounds like a plan i can do. baby steps are good for me. . .if i get too extreme with my views, the whole thing caves in on me.
i'm so happy for you! I am going tonight at 6:30 to my first one!
it sounds like you found some comfort and advice there. . . thank you for your kind words. . . i think that sounds like a plan i can do. baby steps are good for me. . .if i get too extreme with my views, the whole thing caves in on me.
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Originally Posted by NightandDay
ladyalmanthea! you went to your meeting last night???
Yes ma'am.
And it was just as worth it as everyone said it would be!
i'm so happy for you! I am going tonight at 6:30 to my first one!
Good! Come back and let me know how it went!
it sounds like you found some comfort and advice there. . . thank you for your kind words. . . i think that sounds like a plan i can do. baby steps are good for me. . .if i get too extreme with my views, the whole thing caves in on me.
Yes ma'am.
And it was just as worth it as everyone said it would be! i'm so happy for you! I am going tonight at 6:30 to my first one!
Good! Come back and let me know how it went!
it sounds like you found some comfort and advice there. . . thank you for your kind words. . . i think that sounds like a plan i can do. baby steps are good for me. . .if i get too extreme with my views, the whole thing caves in on me.
That's the biggest thing I'm working on right now, is taking everything in baby steps.
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