help or hinderance???
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 2
help or hinderance???
I have a 21yr stepson who is a substance abuser, marijuana, pills and alcohol.
He has been in rehab multiple times the last time was for 90 days and he was kicked out for smoking pot that was 3 weeks ago.
He does nothing to help himself as far as employment, living situation or anything else. My mother in-law funds his housing and living expenses.
I have only been married to his mother for about 1.5 years and only been in the picture about 3 years.
after he was kicked out of rehab he came to stay with us 2 days later we caught him breaking into my in-laws house next door stealing booze and we kicked him out, he went and stayed with a friend (not the type he should be hanging with) they lasted a week, now my mil has been paying for a hotel room for him buying him cigarettes etc...
So here are the things I need input on...
My mil doesn't want to see him homeless and says she can afford to rent him a house/room (she has for the past 2 years).as well as his other expenses cigarettes etc... I don't believe that is the right thing to do and that it is just making his addiction more comfortable for him.... am I correct? If so how do I explain it to her??
None of us give him cash or Wal-Mart cards anymore because we know that it gets used for the wrong things but is it ok for my mil to continue to buy him the extra stuff like cigarettes and things?? I don't feel it’s a good idea but she feels they are small comforts and that they don't hurt..... What is the thought on this??
He makes no effort to do or change anything or work or anything and just continues to take, lie, cheat, steal etc.... my wife buys him cigarettes and says she can't help it she doesn't want to see her child suffer...
I feel that they are both just getting in the way of him having the chance to learn from his decisions and hitting the bottom everyone talks about...
HELP please... it is so frustrating to watch this going on when I feel so strongly that it is just hurting him so much more in the long run not to mention how it effects our family and household peace
He has been in rehab multiple times the last time was for 90 days and he was kicked out for smoking pot that was 3 weeks ago.
He does nothing to help himself as far as employment, living situation or anything else. My mother in-law funds his housing and living expenses.
I have only been married to his mother for about 1.5 years and only been in the picture about 3 years.
after he was kicked out of rehab he came to stay with us 2 days later we caught him breaking into my in-laws house next door stealing booze and we kicked him out, he went and stayed with a friend (not the type he should be hanging with) they lasted a week, now my mil has been paying for a hotel room for him buying him cigarettes etc...
So here are the things I need input on...
My mil doesn't want to see him homeless and says she can afford to rent him a house/room (she has for the past 2 years).as well as his other expenses cigarettes etc... I don't believe that is the right thing to do and that it is just making his addiction more comfortable for him.... am I correct? If so how do I explain it to her??
None of us give him cash or Wal-Mart cards anymore because we know that it gets used for the wrong things but is it ok for my mil to continue to buy him the extra stuff like cigarettes and things?? I don't feel it’s a good idea but she feels they are small comforts and that they don't hurt..... What is the thought on this??
He makes no effort to do or change anything or work or anything and just continues to take, lie, cheat, steal etc.... my wife buys him cigarettes and says she can't help it she doesn't want to see her child suffer...
I feel that they are both just getting in the way of him having the chance to learn from his decisions and hitting the bottom everyone talks about...
HELP please... it is so frustrating to watch this going on when I feel so strongly that it is just hurting him so much more in the long run not to mention how it effects our family and household peace
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,871
My mil doesn't want to see him homeless and says she can afford to rent him a house/room (she has for the past 2 years).as well as his other expenses cigarettes etc... I don't believe that is the right thing to do and that it is just making his addiction more comfortable for him.... am I correct? If so how do I explain it to her??
Please realize that you cannot control other people. If your MIL wants to enable her grandson, there is nothing you can do about it. Just like the addict, she won't stop until she has had enough.
None of us give him cash or Wal-Mart cards anymore because we know that it gets used for the wrong things but is it ok for my mil to continue to buy him the extra stuff like cigarettes and things?? I don't feel it’s a good idea but she feels they are small comforts and that they don't hurt..... What is the thought on this?? See above.
He makes no effort to do or change anything or work or anything and just continues to take, lie, cheat, steal etc.... my wife buys him cigarettes and says she can't help it she doesn't want to see her child suffer... See above.
I feel that they are both just getting in the way of him having the chance to learn from his decisions and hitting the bottom everyone talks about... You are probably right, but....See above.
Please realize that you cannot control other people. If your MIL wants to enable her grandson, there is nothing you can do about it. Just like the addict, she won't stop until she has had enough.
None of us give him cash or Wal-Mart cards anymore because we know that it gets used for the wrong things but is it ok for my mil to continue to buy him the extra stuff like cigarettes and things?? I don't feel it’s a good idea but she feels they are small comforts and that they don't hurt..... What is the thought on this?? See above.
He makes no effort to do or change anything or work or anything and just continues to take, lie, cheat, steal etc.... my wife buys him cigarettes and says she can't help it she doesn't want to see her child suffer... See above.
I feel that they are both just getting in the way of him having the chance to learn from his decisions and hitting the bottom everyone talks about... You are probably right, but....See above.
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
Have a similar sit with my gf's son. He threatened to beat me up after speeding, smoking pot while we were in the car. What set him off was my asking him not to go 20 over the speed limit in a residential zone. He has also lied about missing meds (heavy oxycotin kinda stuff) by claiming I stole them; I didn't he did, and claimed "only" to have sold sold them. Numerous personal affects have gone missing. He was kicked out of the house as a result of the driving incident, but allowed back contingent upon him going to weekly therapy. I'm willing to give it a go. He has a pattern of verbally abusing and manipulating his mother that needs to end or I am out of there. What I have learned is to set your boundaries and inforce them. If I had not been firm, Mom never would have gone through with getting him onto see someone. He is 20 and while I do relate to that being an age of confusion, there are some thing that should not be tolerated. Best of luck; I relate very much to your situation.
Last edited by ElegantlyWasted; 07-12-2010 at 02:26 PM. Reason: iPhone makes typos
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
Hi there stepdad!
Suki said it best... you cannot control the addict or the ones who are addicted to helping him. As much as you may want to, the best thing you can do is keep your side of the street clean.
Have you tried to take your wife to an al-anon or nar-anon meeting? If she is willing to go with you, she will find lots of support from others who are in situations similar to hers. If she doesn't want to go, however, be careful of putting too much pressure on her about it. She, like everyone else, will get the help when she is ready. My parents almost got divorced a few years ago because they could not agree on how to treat my sister.
Suki said it best... you cannot control the addict or the ones who are addicted to helping him. As much as you may want to, the best thing you can do is keep your side of the street clean.
Have you tried to take your wife to an al-anon or nar-anon meeting? If she is willing to go with you, she will find lots of support from others who are in situations similar to hers. If she doesn't want to go, however, be careful of putting too much pressure on her about it. She, like everyone else, will get the help when she is ready. My parents almost got divorced a few years ago because they could not agree on how to treat my sister.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 2
Thank you all for your advice it is greatly appreciated. My wife has begun reading on here some and I believe it is helping she has agreed to no longer do anything for him while he isn't doing anything for himself. I will keep praying that my mil will come to realize what needs to be done and that she too will have the strength to do it.
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