What do I do?

Old 07-12-2010, 04:48 AM
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Unhappy What do I do?

Hi.

I have been reading other peoples posts all week for support but am very confused so wanted to post my story to get other peoples opinions.

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and we have lived together for 3. When we got together he did some party drugs and was not working. He moved in with me after a year and got a full time job and appeared to get his life together. He calmed down the party drugs then went on anti depressants about 2 years ago as he was dealing with some family issues from his teenage years.

So he went on anti depressants and everything was ok for a while and then he started drinking on them. His mother then was diagnosed with cancer about 12 months ago and he got progressively worse until she passed away about 3 months ago when he went completely off the rails. He was drinking and mixing large amount of benzo's and opiates which I told him was very dangerous. He had always been very selfish and a narcissist but by the end he had completely withdrawn from our relationship and wouldn't give me any help around the house or even do anything for my birthday. I did everything for him just to support him through his mothers death and working full time when I have a full time job myself. It got to the point where I couldn't handle all the taking he was doing and asked him to leave the house for a while.

7 days later he went into a 28 day rehab program. He was in the facility for 7 days and then discharged himself yesterday. He got off everything but the benzo's and he admitted that he was frightened to get off them and that's why he left. Whilst he was away it give me a chance to focus on myself for once and try and heal but when he came out so early I was still very hurt. I told him that he couldn't stay at the house as I cant deal with living with him at the moment.

He is trying to continue on the path to recovery and hasn't gone backwards yet. He is going to group sessions and AA meetings. He is only on the benzo's now but is completely avoiding me. He said that he needs time to focus on himself and get himself together before he can look at our relationship and that for the past 12 months he has thought of me as just a chore and wasn't in love with me anymore. He said that he cant talk to me as it could set him back into relapsing as he cant deal with the fact that he hurt me at the moment. He can however see his other friends but not me which hurts me very much. He says I'm not emotionally mature enough and needs some time away from me, but to me it seems like he is just continuing to punish me.

I don't know if I should just cut contact and let him go. He has punished and manipulated me for a long time and said that I enabled him to do drugs as I took care of him by cooking and cleaning and looking after his dogs so I was allowing him to get away with not putting in effort.

I love him very much but don't know if I can deal with it anymore. I just feel like he uses me as a punching bag. He says he loves me but doesn't know if he is in love with me as he has been on some form of drugs the whole time we have been together. He suggested that in the future we try counseling together but I don't know if I have the energy left to put into this relationship. I have been putting in effort for 4 years with nothing in return, why should I keep trying.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and have any advice? I don't know what to do
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Old 07-12-2010, 04:58 AM
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Ann
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Welcome to SR, Katie.

He says he needs to focus on his recovery and that he doesn't love you (wow, that must hurt), and you say that he has really dragged your down and you don't think you want to get back into that situation....yet you feel very sad, yes?

Sometime we need to grieve to loss of what was and what might have been. Grief is a way of putting healthy closure on the past, and healing from the wounds that still are raw.

It sounds like now might be a good time to take very good care of yourself and allow yourself the emotions that come with grief...just don't hang out there too long.

Finding something healthy to do for yourself, will help you not obsess with what has happened. Meetings have helped many of us heal. Reading a good book is a nice way to escape sometimes, or finding a hobby we love (for me it is photography) that brings us healthy enjoyment.

My addict is my son, but others will be along who can share how they moved on and what helped them to do that.

Welcome to SR, I'm glad you joined us.

Hugs
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Old 07-12-2010, 05:49 AM
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He had always been very selfish and a narcissist...

he had completely withdrawn from our relationship and wouldn't give me any help around the house or even do anything for my birthday....

but is completely avoiding me...

he has thought of me as just a chore and wasn't in love with me anymore...

He says I'm not emotionally mature enough and needs some time away from me...

He has punished and manipulated me for a long time...

I just feel like he uses me as a punching bag...

I have been putting in effort for 4 years with nothing in return, why should I keep trying....
Now, that's an excellent question!

Why do you want to be with someone like this? Don't you feel deserve better?

As for your question. Yes, many years ago I was in a situation like this.
I suffer from low self esteem, and allowed another man to make me feel like I was of no value to Him or myself. And the worse I allowed him to make me feel, the more I felt I needed to prove to Him that I was worthy.

Listen, he's telling you that He wants to be away from you. He's telling you what He wants...now it's time to figure out what YOU want for yourself.

Do you REALLY want to be with someone who treats you so poorly?

The way I see it, he's doing you a BIG FAVOR LADY!! You just don't see it yet.

Men like this have become my DOC over the years, I see that now. You need a good DETOX period AWAY from Him. No contact would be the best thing you could do for yourself. It's not easy to go NO CONTACT...many of us here can share with you how difficult that can be.

But when you're ready to take the journey, ready to figure out WHY you keep choosing people like this to spend your life with, ready to make the real CHANGE for yourself that you need....it makes the process much easier.

Codependent No More is a great book, and an excellent place to start.
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Old 07-12-2010, 08:48 AM
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Originally Posted by katie28 View Post

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and we have lived together for 3. When we got together he did some party drugs and was not working.

Where does an unemployed man get the money for party drugs?

His mother then was diagnosed with cancer about 12 months ago and he got progressively worse until she passed away about 3 months ago when he went completely off the rails.

Sounds like rationalizing his drug use.

He had always been very selfish and a narcissist .....

He got off everything but the benzo's and he admitted that he was frightened to get off them and that's why he left. He is trying to continue on the path to recovery and hasn't gone backwards yet.

This is not recovery. This is someone playing at recovery and/or lying to himself and others.

He said that he needs time to focus on himself and get himself together before he can look at our relationship and that for the past 12 months he has thought of me as just a chore and wasn't in love with me anymore.

Believe him.

He said that he cant talk to me as it could set him back into relapsing as he cant deal with the fact that he hurt me at the moment.

BS. You are not powerful enough to cause anyone to relapse.

He can however see his other friends but not me which hurts me very much. He says I'm not emotionally mature enough and needs some time away from me, but to me it seems like he is just continuing to punish me.


He prefers the company of people who will not call him on the carpet for it. That this hurts you is your choice.

He has punished and manipulated me for a long time and said that I enabled him to do drugs as I took care of him by cooking and cleaning and looking after his dogs so I was allowing him to get away with not putting in effort.

More BS from the manipulator.

I love him very much but don't know if I can deal with it anymore.
Has anyone been in a similar situation and have any advice? I don't know what to do
You said he has always been very selfish and a narcissist. You said he punishes and manipulates you. He's unemployed. He's playing at recovery. He prefers the company of others. This does not sound like a healthy relationship.

A better question is why you would consider remaining in such an unhealthy relationship? Buy a dog if you are lonely. Dogs are always happy to see their owners and bring a smile to your face. Dogs do not lie and manipulate people. Being dogs, you know going in that it's your job to take care of them because they can't do so for themselves. Dogs are grateful.
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Old 07-12-2010, 09:04 AM
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Katie,

I can only imagine how much pain you must be in right now, and I am so sorry you're going through this. My thoughts echo that of the others... as hard as it might be to let go, IMO, now is the time to work on you. You've been through something scary, hurtful, and abusive, even if not physically. Time to start the healing process, which means doing whatever it takes to make your decisions be based on what will keep YOU healthy.

Honestly, I do have a positive in this thread that keeps popping into my mind: so many people come here after they are married to someone in this position. I'm so glad that you've got the clarity to see that you don't want to put up with him anymore; can you imagine being legally and spiritually tied to someone who treats you this way?
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Old 07-12-2010, 10:37 AM
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((Katie28))

Wow this must be a really painful time for you - I hate that you are going thru this - It hurts when we have given much of ourselves to someone just to be insulted and belittled in return.

Many people early in recovery are encouraged to NOT start a NEW relationship so they can focus on their recovery ~ but they are NOT encourage to be hateful or mean to those they are in a relationship with.

As painful as this is right now, maybe it is best to give him some space to process all he is going thru ~ it could also be a good opportunity for YOU to get the healing, comfort and peace that YOU deserve too.

If you haven't already I would suggest you attend some Al-Anon/Nar-Anon meetings, read some recovery literature, continue posting & reading here and keep that contact with your Higher power. This could be a wonderful time for you to grow and become a healthier person too.

Then if it is meant for y'all to be together - there will be 2 healthy people working on the relationship - if it is not meant to work out - you have already started the healing and self-care process you deserve.

Remember - You are a wonderful, loving human being that deserves respect, dignity and love!
HUGS,
Rita
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Old 07-12-2010, 01:30 PM
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Thank you all for your kind words and support.

I know that this is a time that I need to focus on myself, but when someone else has been the centre of attention for so long its hard to shift the focus back onto yourself.

I have 3 dogs (2 of which are his) and they have been a great help to me as they are always there for me when I get home. I have been going to the gym and reading books to keep busy but I'm still on this roller coaster ride and one minute I'm ok, the next I'm sad and then angry. I'm sure this is all a normal process but I'm just finding it very difficult.

He said he is not going to contact me for a couple of days so he can focus on himself, but if he does eventually does contact me should I just not respond to him? As hard as that might be, is it best to take myself out of the situation as every time he talks to me I get upset.
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Old 07-12-2010, 03:30 PM
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Originally Posted by katie28 View Post

He said he is not going to contact me for a couple of days so he can focus on himself, but if he does eventually does contact me should I just not respond to him? As hard as that might be, is it best to take myself out of the situation as every time he talks to me I get upset.
Consider this a blessing in disguise if he doesn't contact you. I know it hurts but eventually you will see the picture a lot clearer.
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Old 07-12-2010, 03:51 PM
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This sounds like it's still ALL about him. I hope you will be strong enough to take your life back. I think he needs a wake up call. YOU DO HAVE A CHOICE, it's not all about HIM deciding what HE wants. Both of you need time away from each other for different reasons.
Thank GOD you are not financially dependent upon him. I say protect yourself, your life and your heart....I see lots of heart break down the road.
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