What to expect now
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: South Africa
Posts: 6
What to expect now
My husband finally spoke to me about his cocaine use and said that he had been using for eight months to stay awake with his long working hours. He said he had not used for weeks which was a lie as he used last week and when I brought that up he said yes ok but that was the last and I could phone his dealer. Dealers can be changed so what does that prove.
He promised me he would not bring the stuff into our home ever again but again he can use outside the home. I told him he is addicted and he cannot fool me. He was just quiet but yet he not asking me for help and from past experience with a serious gambling addiction it is not over.
If a user has been using for 8 months how addicted are they can anyone tell me? At one stage when I was monitoring his use from what I could see he was using every second day but I am not sure how much.
Where am I heading now?
He promised me he would not bring the stuff into our home ever again but again he can use outside the home. I told him he is addicted and he cannot fool me. He was just quiet but yet he not asking me for help and from past experience with a serious gambling addiction it is not over.
If a user has been using for 8 months how addicted are they can anyone tell me? At one stage when I was monitoring his use from what I could see he was using every second day but I am not sure how much.
Where am I heading now?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South Africa
Posts: 330
Dear Trin.
Does it really matter how addicted he is? It is a problem for YOU .
Remember the 3 c's.:
1.you did not cause it
2.you cannot cure it
3.you cannot control it.
You will have to decide what is acceptable to YOU. After that you will have to set boundaries that have consequenses that you are prepared to follow through on.
Others with more experience will come along soon!
Does it really matter how addicted he is? It is a problem for YOU .
Remember the 3 c's.:
1.you did not cause it
2.you cannot cure it
3.you cannot control it.
You will have to decide what is acceptable to YOU. After that you will have to set boundaries that have consequenses that you are prepared to follow through on.
Others with more experience will come along soon!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
As much as I find myself frustrated with the debated concept of addiction being a disease, it really is one, at least in this way: just like diabetes, or anything else that is deadly, there is no "I'm kinda addicted." Either he is or he isn't. After all, you said yourself that it doesn't look like this is anywhere near over. Sounds like you answered your own question, IMO.
Now that you have come to terms with what's going on, I agree with the posts above me. Please set some boundaries in place that will protect you from his behavior.
I know he's your husband, and I know you want to help him. Just be careful that you're not loving him to death by enabling him. It's the viscious cycle that those of us who love an addict fall into. We want to help them, but we end up making it easier for them to stay in addiction if we follow our instincts.
The best thing you can do right now is find an al-anon or nar-anon meeting for you to visit. Coming here is great, and I hope you keep coming back, but the meetings are also important to alot of people here, because that's where we get face to face interaction with others who understand our situation.
I'm not gonna lie, no matter what you choose to do at this point, you have a long and difficult road ahead of you. So don't be a stranger. Coming here has saved my sanity.
Now that you have come to terms with what's going on, I agree with the posts above me. Please set some boundaries in place that will protect you from his behavior.
I know he's your husband, and I know you want to help him. Just be careful that you're not loving him to death by enabling him. It's the viscious cycle that those of us who love an addict fall into. We want to help them, but we end up making it easier for them to stay in addiction if we follow our instincts.
The best thing you can do right now is find an al-anon or nar-anon meeting for you to visit. Coming here is great, and I hope you keep coming back, but the meetings are also important to alot of people here, because that's where we get face to face interaction with others who understand our situation.
I'm not gonna lie, no matter what you choose to do at this point, you have a long and difficult road ahead of you. So don't be a stranger. Coming here has saved my sanity.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
[QUOTE=Trin;2649676]
My husband finally spoke to me about his cocaine use and said that he had been using for eight months to stay awake with his long working hours.
People addicted to substances lie about their addiction. If he says 8 months, it's probably closer to 2 years +/-. It does not matter. Like pregnancy, there is no such thing as being a little bit pregnant or addicted.
The majority of people work long hours without the assist of drugs. Those who use drugs tend to make excuses for it.
He said he had not used for weeks which was a lie as he used last week and when I brought that up he said yes ok but that was the last and I could phone his dealer. Dealers can be changed so what does that prove.
That he lies about his addiction.
He promised me he would not bring the stuff into our home ever again but again he can use outside the home.
Promises can be broken. That he intends to use outside the home says all that can be said, he has no intention of quitting.
He was just quiet but yet he not asking me for help and from past experience with a serious gambling addiction it is not over.
Says all that can be said.
If a user has been using for 8 months how addicted are they can anyone tell me? At one stage when I was monitoring his use from what I could see he was using every second day but I am not sure how much.
Are you OK with playing warden? What does it matter if he is using once a week, once a day or throughout the day?
Where am I heading now?[/QUOTE]
Only you can decide where you are headed.
Addiction is progressive. If you are willing and able to accept that he is addicted and it will progress, well then, live with it and the chaos.
Or you can leave or ask him to do so.
It's the inbetween limbo land that is pure hell. So many of us get caught up in a fantasy that we have control over someone else's choices and behaviors. When we do this, we tend to forget that we have choices, too.
My husband finally spoke to me about his cocaine use and said that he had been using for eight months to stay awake with his long working hours.
People addicted to substances lie about their addiction. If he says 8 months, it's probably closer to 2 years +/-. It does not matter. Like pregnancy, there is no such thing as being a little bit pregnant or addicted.
The majority of people work long hours without the assist of drugs. Those who use drugs tend to make excuses for it.
He said he had not used for weeks which was a lie as he used last week and when I brought that up he said yes ok but that was the last and I could phone his dealer. Dealers can be changed so what does that prove.
That he lies about his addiction.
He promised me he would not bring the stuff into our home ever again but again he can use outside the home.
Promises can be broken. That he intends to use outside the home says all that can be said, he has no intention of quitting.
He was just quiet but yet he not asking me for help and from past experience with a serious gambling addiction it is not over.
Says all that can be said.
If a user has been using for 8 months how addicted are they can anyone tell me? At one stage when I was monitoring his use from what I could see he was using every second day but I am not sure how much.
Are you OK with playing warden? What does it matter if he is using once a week, once a day or throughout the day?
Where am I heading now?[/QUOTE]
Only you can decide where you are headed.
Addiction is progressive. If you are willing and able to accept that he is addicted and it will progress, well then, live with it and the chaos.
Or you can leave or ask him to do so.
It's the inbetween limbo land that is pure hell. So many of us get caught up in a fantasy that we have control over someone else's choices and behaviors. When we do this, we tend to forget that we have choices, too.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I would take anything he says about his drug use and multiply it by 3, it will be closer to the truth.
The question is: Is this how you want to live your life?
If not, I'd suggest you get started going to meetings, knowledge is power.
Keep posting and reading, it will help.
The question is: Is this how you want to live your life?
If not, I'd suggest you get started going to meetings, knowledge is power.
Keep posting and reading, it will help.
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