Feeling guilty
 

I feel sooooo guilty leaving him. But I am soooo tired of the emotional BS he spews on me. I feel guilty leaving him, but I know I am a good person who is hard working, kind, giving, understanding, loving, and intelligent. I know in my mind I am special and deserve to be treated with consideration and respect. My heart is breaking and I love and care for him so much. I feel guilty leaving him. Im scared. Im sad. Im heart broken. But im also tired, angry, hurt, humilated and just §%¥*ing fed up of the emotional and verbal crap he puts me through. I feel guilty leaving him!!!!

And why are you leaving? Obviously it's because of what HE has done... not you. You have to make yourself your top priority. I understand why you think you should feel guilty, but honey, he doesn't deserve you. You said yourself you deserve better than what he can give at the moment. Keep moving forward. I promise it'll get easier. :)

The guilt will pass, as you will realize you have nothing to feel guilty about. You will start to focus on yourself and your own needs. You will get past this, no doubt about it. Stay strong, get all the support you need, have some peace come back into your life. You cannot make someone well and have every right to be away from them if they will not help themselves. Make that your motto, you can do this.:ghug3

Hugs and God Bless!

i felt this way a year and a half ago when my girlfriend was using. the emotional stuff is really difficult, especially depending upon the persons personality. i didnt know up from down. never in my life did that happen. i wanted her to get better more than anything she would take very small steps in that direction, but go right back to her old ways. one night she said she had to run over to see a friend and she'd be back in an hour. it was 15hrs later. i packed up her stuff and broke it off. it was very difficult. i had tried everything. nothing worked. only once in a while did she admit there was a problem. she though because she wasn't doing hard drugs every day, that she was ok.

now a year and a half later, she has started to use hard drugs every day, and worse. we were no longer in a relationship when this happened but were friends. it sent me through a bad downward spiral, from which i am starting to recover. i was consumed with thoughts of what she was doing and how she needed to get herself clean. consumed. but just yesterday it dawned on me how much worse it would have been if i was still her boyfriend. i remembered all the manipulation, deceit, lies, half-truths. The black hole i was sucked into and all. she wasn't the same person, nor was i. i realized the drugs are just the tip of the iceberg. even if she went to treatment and rehab, there would be a long process of recovery and therapy. was that what i wanted in my life?

i'm certainly no angel or perfect, but maybe someone healthier would be better for me. my ex did not even seem like she really wanted to get healthy. when you live in a void most of you life, like she has, and like i have, it is very difficult to live any other way. it is very hard to learn a new way of living and thinking.

you realize you are worth more than you are getting, that you want more than you are getting. breaking up is hard, especially when you feel bad about the other person's problems, but eventually, if you do not have the strength, they will become your problems. if your best friend or sister was in this situation, what would you think?

no one can tell you what to do. change is hard. but the promise of something even better might provide the strength for change. you cannot change him, but you can change you.

(now if i can only live by my own words)

@steve1840 - Thank you. @ anvilhead, I am trying to explore my thoughts, feeling and action, however I have a tendency to over analyze to the point I believe I self-sabotage myself and emotionally become clouded. But I understand it’s a work in progress and recovery is a long journey towards "healthiness". I am still incredibly confused and feelings are a mess. I can only take care of me and I don’t know how to do sincerely do that anymore. I feel pathetic saying that out loud, but truth be told, when it comes right down to me – I don’t even know where to begin or who I am anymore. It is soooo much easier taking care of my children, my family, and/or my responsibilities then it is to take care of me and my emotional, physical and mental health.. AHHHH !!!! Well it’s the weekend, kids are gone and I guess today is as good as any day to start taking care of me. Guess I will start with my room – whole house is clean but my room is a mess.

me too, me too, me too.


beautiful,
i was at my therapist the other day. i was expressing experiencing a concert with a different person than xabf, and how i felt twinges of guilt. but mostly some sadness (combined with feelings of freedom and hope as well).

he said "why were you feeling guilty and sad"
i said, "oh, because of the still-lingering loss of hope, what i had wished for and tried so so hard to make come true. guilty because i thought i would never abandon him, because i was so enmeshed with him that i couldn't feel good if he was doing good, because i am travelling somewhere and leaving him behind."

i then also told him that i felt bad - like wrong - and a little guilty about meeting someone whom i like very much, and feel might become a particularly special person in my life. i said "i mean, like i just leave and go on and meet someone else who makes me feel valued and i leave xabf in the dust? like he's so disposable? it just sounds wrong." mr. therapist said, "christine, that's how's it's done."