steve1840

How long have you experienced your loved one to be out of contact with you? do months go by and then they surface or contact someone?

i am trying to start my detachment. there is a compulsion to go looking for her. not to change her or force her into rehab, but just to see she is ok (as ok as she can be).

my dreams last night were very powerful and it felt like she was right here, very sad, very in need of therapy, very weak, and unable to help herself, like she was under a spell.

i know the idea of detaching and the three c's, but this has really affected me. i guess it is one day at a time for me too.

sailorjohn

How long do you want them to stay missing?

Up to you.

steve1840

i dont want her to be missing at all, but there is nothing i can do to make her not be missing

suki44883

Exactly! You're still obsessing, Steve. Just because you aren't getting in the car and driving all over trying to find her does not mean you are detaching. She knows how to get in touch with you if she wants to. The fact that she hasn't, means she doesn't want to. You will drive yourself insane worrying and fretting over things that are out of your control. Please, if you won't take the advice many here have given, go to a face-to-face meeting and learn from those who have been where you are.

P.S. to add: Just because you don't know where she is doesn't mean she is missing. She did not live with you and you did not see her all that often anyway. She isn't missing. You just don't know where she is.

steve1840

suki- i understand that and i am going back to the meetings i used to go to. i was just wondering though if the addicts tend to disappear for any length of time, if that is a pattern. is it "normal" for them to go missing weeks or months and then contact someone on the outside. not to obsess, but a therapist or two thought she might be bi-polar, but she never followed through with meds, so i dont know if the addicts have periods of highs and lows. she thought she dove into this due to depression and such. i'm not looking for excuses, just wondering if they do disappear then pop up.

suki44883

Yes, Steve. Sometimes they are out for years before popping up again.

tam

my ah has been gone since december. he lives 1/2 mile up the street on the one and only main road in town, I have to pass the apt.to and from work,stores..etc..I do not have contact with him nor do I even look at the apt anymore. it was the best thing for ME. he has left numerous messages from blaming/hating me to I miss you and love you very much (this was yesterday) it can be days or weeks before he surfaces. they are numb/drugged they dont know day to day but whatever I do not respond. I often thought he would OD or commit suicide (he is bipolar) and I would blame myself, but the truth is he chose his pills over life. there is nothing you can do to help the addict but you can help yourself in dealing with your situation. always keep hope that she will get help but again please go to meetings, therapist, this forum so that you can learn coping skills, I know its difficult going through this but it is so important for you to seek recovery.

steve1840

Cynical- when you say she is where she wants to be, i understand your point, but do the addicts REALLY want to be there? So many times i have heard the expression that only the first hit was fun, after that its all trying to get that back again. But i am slowly accepting that if she wants help, she'll get it or asl for it.

back to the wanting to be there. i don't think she wants to be there necessarily, but is too weak to fight it. but that is the nature of addiction, you do not stop yourself from doing the things you know are harmful.

suki44883

back to the wanting to be there. i don't think she wants to be there necessarily, but is too weak to fight it. but that is the nature of addiction, you do not stop yourself from doing the things you know are harmful.

You do when you have had enough. Don't forget, you are on a site full of people who were doing things that were harmful to ourselves. We finally, at some point, for whatever reason, had enough. Some went further down the road than others, but the fact remains that during our active addiction, we didn't necessarily want to be doing the things we were doing either. When we hit our bottom, we sought help.

P.S. to add: No one could make us hit our bottom any faster. No one, regardless of how much they loved us or how much we loved them, could make us seek out help until we were ready. Many of us lost our families, homes, or jobs before we had enough. If an addict will risk all of that, what makes you think that you can convince your friend to stop?

steve1840

true suki. it just is very painful thinking of someone you know who has problems to take this road, knowing where it leads.

Freedom1990

If it was a pattern, would you feel any better, Steve?

If so, why would you feel better if that was a pattern?

What if she never gets recovery, Steve?

I'm willing to accept that my 32 year old AD may very well never get recovery.

Can you accept she may never get recovery?

Are you tired yet of obsessing about her?

suki44883

Yes, it is, but it's no more painful for you than it is for the many mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers of these addicts. If they can learn to detach, so can you, but you have to stop obsessing.

keepinon

Steve, maybe you could use some therapy to help you deal with this obsession. Much like Freedom asks questions, you can ask yourself how this would play out if u just saw that she was ok? Would you then be over this obsession with her? My guess is no. You would be ok until you got the compulsion to check on her again. I honestly feel like you would really like us all to tell you that you should continue to obsess on this woman, find a way to "fix" her, basically keep doing what you"re doing.My question is...Hows that working for you? Not trying to be harsh, but I give my 18 year old addict enough credit to find help when she needs it.. and she's my BABY.:codiepolice

steve1840

suki- i will detach. i am learning it is a process. this whole thing hit me over the head fast and hard, but i will recover.

cynical- my faith is that she is resourceful. you described my older cousin. drugs, prostitution, revolving jail, and disease. maybe it's having seen this with her, that has me so freaked out.

freedom- if there was some pattern, i feel at least i could know she is alive. i am beginning to accept that she may never get help. i am beginning to accept that me going to look for her is just to satisfy my own need to know she is alive or at least at a place you know you can find her. the not knowing is what is hardest. and i am getting tired of where this has brought me to. i feel i am starting to snap out of it.

ihatethis

17 weeks for me... detaching is subjective... I think it feels differntly for everyone. We all need to do it, but we can't do it before we're ready... not much different than them.

PS he's almost died several times and is currently doing very well in a sober living facility... he's been at it for almost 15 years...

mickosgf

I would like to thank you all for the information that you post and also the questions you ask! I am now asking myself would I be any different? You're all right about not being able to make or force someone into recovery, for me it's the leaving and never coming back to him that I fear most! But at the same time, I want to care for my child one day when i have one not for a grown man! A man that says he loves me (and thanks to all the posts i've read on here) he can't possibly love me as he loves himself way too much! I guess I think I can fix this but it's not my problem to fix. I'm exhausted, tired and always feel ill in the stomach... But you're also right that I can only do this when I'm ready and unfortunately I'm just not there yet... i will be soon, I have my lil girl Bella (she is my dog) and I love her with all my heart, maybe cos she loves me back! I just hate the way that everytime i write on here I cry, I wish i'd been on here sooner, maybe I would've saved myself the trip interstate to help someone that can only help themselves...

wicked

Oh, MGF, don't feel bad about the crying, you are healing. It is beginning now.
I am a recovering alcoholic, and those kinda thoughts (i wish i would have, should have, could have) will keep me caught up in regrets and recriminations.
try to look for the lesson here, what are you learning?
every move you make will be teaching you something.
life is a journey, and change is hard.

you are getting ready.

Beth

mamacole

Steve 1840 I am going thru the same experience and I am working so hard on detaching. The mom gene is so strong. We've been dealing with this since she was 17, she is now 24, we had her go to rehab and it didn't work, she wasn't ready. She went from coke to pills and now heroin. We threw her out, shes blown off therapy appts, refuses help and we can't stand watching her die. Now she was just picked up for posession last week, a felony here in NC, spent 2 days in jail and someone bailed her out Sun at 5am. We don't know where she is or who she is with. She is supposed to go to court at 1 today, I wonder if she is going to even show up. I am shreaded inside, my gut aches, I can't sleep, had nightmares all last night. She knows she just has to ask and we will take her to help but she choses not to. I pray that she ends up in prison, she would at least not be using then.
All our love cannot make her change or she would have done it by now. I am sick inside and I am going to be worrying all day if she showed up to court or not. I am going to a meeting at 10:30, I haven't gone in a year or so, I hope I get thru today.
Prayers to you Steve.

Ann

My son has been missing for almost 6 years. Last heard from him directly, he had relapsed, was on the needle using meth and having delusions. Last heard through the grapevine, he had been to jail, gone to live with his actively addicted birth sister (he is my foster son), and still using.

I had tried for over 7 years before I finally accepted that nothing I did, nothing I didn't do, nothing I said and nothing I didn't say made a lick of difference in his addiction/recovery/addiction revolving door.

He knows he is loved. He knows how to find us if he is clean and wants to connect, and I pray that someday he will.

I have thought of searching him out...but what would that accomplish? I'm certain he is still using, because if he were clean he would contact us. So if I find him and he is still using...what then? More years of trying to save that which is not mine to save? More years of taking a front row seat and watching the drama tragedy of his addiction unfold? So when I find myself thinking of trying to find him, I remind myself "then what?".

I have been through the darkest days of my life trying to save my son, and nothing will ever take me back to that darkness. It didn't save him then and it wouldn't save him now. It almost killed me in the process. Thank God I found meetings and a program of recovery that literally saved my life.

So each morning I say a prayer, asking God to take care of my son, the I live my life well (as life was intended to be lived) and trust the rest to God.

Hope this helps you understand how thinking we can control addiction is an illusion that can take us to dark places.

Hugs

keepinon

Ann .. that was seriuosly so amazing! I too really was dying .. I kept hearing "I wish I was dead" popping in my head and in a way I was already a walking zombie only feeding off of the disease..yuck! My daughter was an addict in her teens.. I WANTED to detach...I wanted to let her go.. CPS wouldn't let us kick her out for her drug use, but wouldn't help us in any way either.. a nightmare. She turned 18 in DEc. We asked her to leave in JAn. and I just thank God that I am no longer LEGALLY responsible for her. I already knew I was POWERLESS over her addiction, but the state didn't agree. Finally she is free to have the dignity of her own recovery if she chooses. So, here's to having CHOICES!