mamacole

Hi I posted in the welcome board and it was suggested that I come here as well. My 24 yr old was picked up Thurs. She is in jail for posession of heroin, a felony and also charged with a misdomener for the needles. We have been batteling her addiction for about 8 yrs. Wedid the rehab deal, went to meetings with her, counseling with her and shes gone from coke to pills to heroin. When we found out about the heroin a few months ago we told her that we love her but until shes clean we cant have her in our house. All the lying, stealingfrom us and manipulating has got to end. Now shes locked up. We haven't talked to her, shes been trying to call but we haven't answered. Yesterday we thought we'd pick up, just to reinforce our message but we only have cell phones and the jail phone won't connect to a cell phone because its a collect call. Her court date is Tues at 1.
A cop friend of mine told me that they will most likely put her in a treatment program in jail for 28 days. After that she will have to go before the judge again. I really don't think its a good idea to go to court Tues, let her reap her consequences. Maybe go see her in jail once she is in a program. We hope to have some kind of e-mail contact but we're not sure.
In all of your experiences I am asking for advice, the mom gene is so powerful.

keepinon

I think you should do what you feel is right about court. This all is so hard, but what other way is there? Love ain't gonna fix her, she's gonna have to do that herself. All you will hear right now is "jail talk" anyway. Maybe a little sober time is neede before you have contact again. Hang in ther, you are doing all the right things.

lauren

I found in my experience and with the feedback I have
received from my son that when I didn't answer
the phone, sent back the letters and didn't visit --the
message came loud and clear that he had to make
a decision. That being, that family is not a given or
a birth right. It is a unit of trust and respect that is
earned through actions..
It did become conditional within our family once drugs
became part of the equation. Not something we are given
lessons on as part of the parenting package.
It is a rude awakening but when you place it into perspective
I wouldn't tolerate it from anyone else and as drugs altered
my son to the point of not recognizing him any longer it was
totally up to me to take the first step for myself to either live
with the dysfunction or not.
I choose not..it took a few years for him to be a guest in my
home with the same conditions that I would give anyone else.
You see I decided not to be a victim but a survivor. It takes a lot
of determination as we are so programed to save our children at
whatever cost..when I thought about it carefully and as many have
stated here, I was not letting my son face consequences, I was
making it easy for him to continue his lifestyle..
I wish you well. Be strong..trite as it has been said so often that
we lose it's meaning..but so essential.

lauren

mamacole

thanks for the reply. This morning I went online and saw that she has been released from jail. Someone came and bonded her out. UGH I am furious. We haven't heard from her and I don't expect to. I just hope she shows up to court on Tues. I have a bad feeling that she won't. I don't think I will be there to find out.

Chino

I only do what I'm comfortable with these days and in good conscience. Do whatever feels right for you, not her.

ladyamalthea

I agree with keepinon. There are so many times when my sister has been arrested, and instead of taking advantage of the opportunity to allow her to suffer the consequences of her actions, my parents always bail her out. They even pushed me away on father's day because they had spent so much money bailing her out the week before that they didn't have money to go out to dinner (not that I would have cared if we ate at all, and I told them that, but my daddy is really set in his ways and he feels like mush if he's not allowing his family to be indulged somehow).

Chino is right too. You have to be sure to do what will be best for you. If you focus on her, you may fall right back into they cycle of enabling. Stay strong, and focus on you, for both of your sakes.

mamacole

Thanks for the replys, I have decided I am not going to go to court, when I was concidering going it was only to encourage the judge to throw the book at her. She must help herself. Tomorrow our other daughter is comming over with her boyfriend ( who we love) and we will spend a wonderful day with them. I am going to find a meeting to attend, aa or na meeting. AA seems to be more avaliable to me, does it matter which one i attend?

tjp613

Mamacole - I don't have any wisdom for you...I haven't been that particular hard road (yet), but I just wanted to say I am sorry you have to be going through this. We're happy to be here for you. (((Hugs)))

Ann

It sounds like you are on the right path to taking the "we" out of the equation. This is her addiction and her recovery to find on her own. If love could save our addicts, not one of us would be here.

Many of us have found our own recovery by attending live meetings of Al-anon, Nar-anon or CoDA. These meetings helped me find my balance again and remain strong no matter how anyone else was doing.

Glad you joined us, and I will keep your daughter in my prayers.

Hugs

Freedom1990

I would encourage you to look into Alanon or Naranon meetings. Alanon tends to be more widely available.

My 32 year old addicted daughter is still on probation from her last jail stint.

I no longer visit her in jail, nor go to court.

It's just an endless thing with her, and today I choose to live a full and productive life separate from hers.

keepinon

I personally got to Alanonmeetings and it really helped save me from the depths of despair.sometimes I sit in on NA meetings to get some hope that recovery for my daughter is possible.. NA is (in my opinion) a little more hard core , as is my heroin using daughter. I see people who look like her. There's an old joke that says whats the differnce between an alcoholic and a junkie? An alcoholic will steal your purse and be consumed with guilt and remorse, a junkie will steal your purse and then help you look for it. Not very pc, but funny to those who are in the know:rotfxko

Chino

My RAD shared that with me as a heads up when she got clean. That sticky "What Addicts Do" is a bulls eye.

mamacole

Thanks for all the encouragement it means more than I can say. Tomorrow at 1 is the court date, I have doubts that she will even show. I am going to an alanon meeting in the morning at 10:30, I went to that group for awhile a couple of yrs ago and I didn't really fit in ( lots of old ladies gossiping and talking about their grandkids lol) hopefully the dynamic has changed a bit. Then I think I might go walk around the mall and window shop or something. I must occupy my brain so my mom-ness doesn't eat me alive with worry about what is happening in court.
Thank you all for talking with me and listening as well. Pray I get thru the day with my sanity in check!!!

keepinon

Sounds like a good plan! i go 2 an alanon group like that too. i have found that the evening meetings have a more diverse crowd. Good luck 2morrow..maybe a pedicure w/ur phone turned off would help too!

Spiritual Seeker

My 26 yr old son died of heroin in June.
I have been told that the current heroin is strong and lethal and there are many
deaths at this time due to this.. Obviously so for my son.
Not something to take lightly.

Have you asked your AD if she is ready to get help again ?
Let her know that for her to die in this way is unbearable.

mamacole

sounds like a good idea keepinon, and there is a meeting tonight but it says they will be having a book study tonight and I may go anyway.
Spiritual Seeker, I am so very sorry for your loss. I have had nightmares about that all night last night and got no sleep. And yes we try everytime we see her, which isn't that often because she doesn't want to hear it and says we are crazy. Shes lost about everything and we keep praying for her to call telling us its time. Had a great carreer and lost her job a few weeks ago. When she was 17 the coke and pill use started and we sent her to rehab, we believe she was back to using within a few months. When we kicked her out we gave her the option to go again and she said no. I handed her a sheet with several phone numbers and addresses to go to for help and told her that we can't bear to watch her die. We've made counselor appts for her and she has blown them off, I don't know that there is anything else for us to do. It's horrible to feel so helpless. We love her and I know that she loves us, she just loves the drug more.
How are you doing? I keep thinking that is our next phone call. We feel like we are already mourning our sweet baby.
She hasen't tried to call us since being bailed out on Sun morning. I hope she shows up to court today and isn't on the run.

keepinon

mamacole, you have done all you can do. She knows how and where to get help, she knows you love and support her. You will do anything you can to help her, but not one more thing to enable her to live this life one more day. Your part now is to find recovery for yourself which is the best gift you can give your daughter, a healthy, happy , functioning mother whose every breath isn't dependant on how she is doing.Living by example if you will. It will get better once the focus is back on YOUR life. Takes a while but it does get better...

outtolunch

Back when my daughter was in active addiction, I was obsessed with feeling I was watching her kill herself. Accepting the emotional pain of being unable to do anything, let alone influence the outcome was humbling and the stub of my own recovery, a work in progress.

mamacole

Well I went to a meeting this morning. It was a good group and a few of us went out to lunch after. My AD called while we were at lunch, I didn't pick up, I'm thinking this was probably right before she was heading into court, if she went.
I just got a text from her saying that she needed to talk to me and she would call me at 6:30 tonight. I am hoping she will fess up and go to treatment. But it could be a ploy to get us to help with the court thing.
I don't want to hear her voice because it breaks my heart. I want to make her better and I can't.

tjp613

So what are you going to do when she calls tonight? You're being so strong and doing all the right things....massively difficult things. I"m so sorry.
We're here for you every step of the way.