rough day.........pretty sad
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
rough day.........pretty sad
so Im having a rough day, I realize that getting clean was the least of our troubles.
Things have been tense for weeks now, mostly just discontent and bickering
but today I found out he restarted smoking-cigarettes and has been hiding it from me. The lies and sneaking are just to much to handle
I told him I want out.............funny he has a year clean yet I cant trust him how sad is that. For the last four years all I wanted was for him to be and stay clean yet its just not enough
because I'm still me and hes still him..........
pray for me you guys I'm gonna need it.
Things have been tense for weeks now, mostly just discontent and bickering
but today I found out he restarted smoking-cigarettes and has been hiding it from me. The lies and sneaking are just to much to handle
I told him I want out.............funny he has a year clean yet I cant trust him how sad is that. For the last four years all I wanted was for him to be and stay clean yet its just not enough
because I'm still me and hes still him..........
pray for me you guys I'm gonna need it.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
hang tight my friend and stick to the tenents of your own recovery. I have lived for 5 years with a sober man but not a recovering man. I agree with you - getting clean is the least of the problems....in reality, it's living life that is the problem. Instead of drugs, unrecovered people use emotions as a way to alter their consciousness. Not fun at all.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
Add my prayers to your numbers! I can only imagine how upsetting this situation must be. Good for you though that you're sticking to your ground. Don't settle for less than happiness. You deserve to be happy. 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
He said he hid this from me because he knew I would react poorly.....be upset yell or whatever
And the reason he thought I would react is because in the program he was in they said if they return to smoking they will soon return to drugs...........he told me many times that he would Never smoke again, that his recovery wasnt worth the chance
now today he tells me........he never believed that to start with and he would have told me and anyone else except he knew I would "over react" and smoking or lying to cover it has nothing to do with recovery ..........hes fine he just can NEVER tell me anything basically because Im a *itch (he didnt say the word but implied it enough)
How is this even fair.........It drives me crazy that he cant see the nonsense hes talking
he in one breath he will say sorry I was wrong but it is always because of something I would have said or done that he had to lie
Grant it I do flip out and have flipped out many times in our past but mostly due to lies.........I so hate to be lied to
And the reason he thought I would react is because in the program he was in they said if they return to smoking they will soon return to drugs...........he told me many times that he would Never smoke again, that his recovery wasnt worth the chance
now today he tells me........he never believed that to start with and he would have told me and anyone else except he knew I would "over react" and smoking or lying to cover it has nothing to do with recovery ..........hes fine he just can NEVER tell me anything basically because Im a *itch (he didnt say the word but implied it enough)
How is this even fair.........It drives me crazy that he cant see the nonsense hes talking
he in one breath he will say sorry I was wrong but it is always because of something I would have said or done that he had to lie
Grant it I do flip out and have flipped out many times in our past but mostly due to lies.........I so hate to be lied to
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Hi lies.....
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. The lying part for Me was the biggest issue I had with Mr.Sofa too. It was always very hard for Me NOT to take it personal when he hid things and lied about it.
Sounds like he's playing the ole switchroo game with you implying that "he hid this from me because he knew I would react poorly" & "he just can NEVER tell me anything basically because Im a *itch He got caught lying, and now it's YOUR fault that he did? Hmph! Familiar tactic, yes? But you have your program and your SR family now, so that's not gonna fly.
You two have been working so hard at this, did you have a boundary established for lying and a consequence in place in the event that He did?
Hang in there Lady.
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. The lying part for Me was the biggest issue I had with Mr.Sofa too. It was always very hard for Me NOT to take it personal when he hid things and lied about it.
Sounds like he's playing the ole switchroo game with you implying that "he hid this from me because he knew I would react poorly" & "he just can NEVER tell me anything basically because Im a *itch He got caught lying, and now it's YOUR fault that he did? Hmph! Familiar tactic, yes? But you have your program and your SR family now, so that's not gonna fly.
You two have been working so hard at this, did you have a boundary established for lying and a consequence in place in the event that He did?
Hang in there Lady.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
now today he tells me........he never believed that to start with and he would have told me and anyone else except he knew I would "over react" and smoking or lying to cover it has nothing to do with recovery ..........hes fine he just can NEVER tell me anything basically because Im a *itch (he didnt say the word but implied it enough)
It is my opinion, and that of my doctors, that we learn the warning signs and blinking lights for a reason...why do we pick up on them and notice them? Its our bodies way of protection for ourselves.
Keep learning about you, keep growing, write it all out.
Think about this too, how many times has reacting to seeing things, helped you to take action and keep an active addict from inside your house?
Truth is he lied, because he knew it was something he swore he wasnt going to do,and he allowed himself to take that back. Hiding it allowed him to lie to himself. Please take care of you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
Update on me, well I didnt leave my husband after I learned hed started smoking and was hiding it from me.
I said I would and didn't ( I really need to learn to hold my tongue expecially when hurt or disappointed)
we talked out alot of things and I have come to realise that I can't try to hold anyone to the standard that I think is best, and my reactions need to be more detached--everything isnt about me.
Things had been off with us for weeks bickering and not very close---well he had been smoking for weeks and lying so I guess its difficult to be "close" when your lying.
His main reason for keeping it hidden was my reaction ---of course my reaction would not have been good because HE and his program told me HIS recovery depended on him not returning to smoking. Somewhere along the line he decided thats not the case----
I dont know if it is or not, what I do know is LYING is a boundary I plan to enforce and I expect him to tell the truth no matter what---but I also see how I make that very difficult for him when I react and take his choices personally, so I will be working on that
So at this point my position is this,
I will NOT react, I will Not say things I dont not mean
I will not have expectations other than the following ---No lies, No drugs, faithfulness in the marriage
all other "aspects' of his recovery are his (meetings, church, journaling smoking or not smoking)
And I will proceed with hope for the best and preparation for the worse, trying to enjoy and live life together but prepare for a life on my own if needed.
Letting go of being disappointed and hurt, and his no longer hidding a lie and brought us back to where we were when he first came home from his program ---in a good, open and close place. We are talking again, sharing again and learning to try to accept each other not change each other. If this will last or not I dont know, will his smoking effect his recovery? I dont know, But daily I am working on me and trying to leave him to make his own decisions and let God have the control.
I said I would and didn't ( I really need to learn to hold my tongue expecially when hurt or disappointed)
we talked out alot of things and I have come to realise that I can't try to hold anyone to the standard that I think is best, and my reactions need to be more detached--everything isnt about me.
Things had been off with us for weeks bickering and not very close---well he had been smoking for weeks and lying so I guess its difficult to be "close" when your lying.
His main reason for keeping it hidden was my reaction ---of course my reaction would not have been good because HE and his program told me HIS recovery depended on him not returning to smoking. Somewhere along the line he decided thats not the case----
I dont know if it is or not, what I do know is LYING is a boundary I plan to enforce and I expect him to tell the truth no matter what---but I also see how I make that very difficult for him when I react and take his choices personally, so I will be working on that
So at this point my position is this,
I will NOT react, I will Not say things I dont not mean
I will not have expectations other than the following ---No lies, No drugs, faithfulness in the marriage
all other "aspects' of his recovery are his (meetings, church, journaling smoking or not smoking)
And I will proceed with hope for the best and preparation for the worse, trying to enjoy and live life together but prepare for a life on my own if needed.
Letting go of being disappointed and hurt, and his no longer hidding a lie and brought us back to where we were when he first came home from his program ---in a good, open and close place. We are talking again, sharing again and learning to try to accept each other not change each other. If this will last or not I dont know, will his smoking effect his recovery? I dont know, But daily I am working on me and trying to leave him to make his own decisions and let God have the control.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Lies - what you are dealing with has been the toughest part of it all for me. It's taken me on a journey of self discovery that allows me to focus on myself instead of my husband (ok....when I am doing what I am supposed to do). My husband does not work a recovery program of any sort other than abstinence from drugs/alcohol. If he went to AA or NA it would be best for me because he is nicer and less reactive. I can tell a real difference when he goes. However, he hates it and doesn't go. So.....I am learning to detach and paddle my own canoe. This isn't a journey that we are on together (which is what I thought we were on.....meaning, we would BOTH put recovery and it's principles are the fore front of our lives). I've kept my end of the bargain but he hasn't kept his. My boundaries were that I would only be involved with him if he were in recovery. Well, that came and went and I stayed. I have no one to blame for my misery but myself.
I'm not sure what the future holds but my commitment is to live in an environment that is not constantly filled with strife and issues. I want my home to be a haven and not a place of more angst.
Sounds like you are on the right road with your feelings and intentions. You bare minimums are the same as mine...faithfulness and no drugs/lies. My problem now is that I want more than that.
I'm not sure what the future holds but my commitment is to live in an environment that is not constantly filled with strife and issues. I want my home to be a haven and not a place of more angst.
Sounds like you are on the right road with your feelings and intentions. You bare minimums are the same as mine...faithfulness and no drugs/lies. My problem now is that I want more than that.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Originally Posted by liesagain 
And I will proceed with hope for the best and preparation for the worse, trying to enjoy and live life together but prepare for a life on my own if needed.
One question...related to the statement I pulled out.....
What type of relationship is it when you have to expect the worst and prepare for it? Should relationships that are full of trust, love, caring, etc. be that way?
This is what helped me with my decision to finally let it go. I can't live with the hope that he MIGHT make a turn around. I couldn't live with mionitoring his recovery and keeping tabs on if he was going to meetings or not. And then to find out, he's not going to the meetings like he promised and now having to distance myself knowing a relapse is close on the horizon. I just couldn't live this way anymore. Even though he is not using anymore, his behavior is way off from recovery.
I had to live for today and today he still sucks (for lack of a better term). LOL.
I deserve to be with a stable partner who I have no doubts in. Will he be perfect? No, he will not. Will we squabble about stuff...we sure will. But I know one thing.... I will not have to feel as though I need to check in on him to make sure he is taking care of responsibilities and I will not doubt on how he feels towards me.
Just some thoughts.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
Light, Urmy, Anvil
Thanks for the replies, you are all correct I did back track and not leave even when he lied. Theres no excuse or justification for him to lie just as theres no justification for me to freak out over his recovery or to keep moving my boundaries.
urmy---you wrote What type of relationship is it when you have to expect the worst and prepare for it? Should relationships that are full of trust, love, caring, etc. be that way? Sadly its a relationship with an addict. Theres no promise of another day clean Ever no matter how many days pass theres Always the chance. Thats pretty much what I was referring to. Today my husband have over a year clean and that is nothing compared to the 10 years he had before but the Best hes done in the last four years. Theres been alot of progress, in his recovery and our relationship. He slipped backwards, he chose something he wanted to do (smoke cigarettes) and he did it despite his previous decision that he would never do it again..........To me that was a scary compromise and the "old behaviors" sneaking and lying have put me "on guard" again But I'm wrong about that. I have no say over his recovery and I keep learning that little by little.
however I realise that its more the fact that he lied than he smoked-----and today so does he.
Anvil --you said there can't be too much more slack left to cut this guy, can there? what about YOU, lies? you keep backing down and compromising and giving him chances......and at what cost to your OWN sense of well being? is there perhaps some middle ground between blowing up and backing down that you still need to find? where the things that are vital to you - truth, integrity, consistency - do not have to be bargained away in order to maintain the peace? YOU count too, ya know.......
Yes Anvil, I do know that I count too and I am trying to find that middle gound.
I hate to be lied to!! I would much rather you just Tell me the truth and deal with it. My husband made a decision to quit smoking and when he went back on that decision he did not tell me, he kept it secret ---He lied by allowing me to continue to think he wasnt smoking.
And frankly I dont know how I would have reacted had he told me the truth if I'm honest I most likely would have been really pissed and threatened to leave because I had smoking and relapse connected in my expectations...........and when I look at that I realise that I would have been pissed and reacted poorly Because of my expectation that he WOULD continue EVERYTHING hes been doing since treatment so I could Feel safe that he was going to stay clean.........and one main thing they stressed was not smoking so I would have reacted poorly.
Thats WHAT I have learned from this-- I learned that I need to make sure I mean what I say first and foremost. This is difficult for me because I speak when angry ( never learned to wait and digest what is in front of me before reacting)
It was a backstep in our relationship and it knocked down a lot of the trust I was beginning to regain --But it also Helped me see that I still have the need to monitor his recovery and hes NOT my child, he shouldnt be afraid to tell me things.........hes a grown man and if he makes the decision to smoke after he quit then why should that be something I would freak out over? If he's going to relapse hes going to relapse, Me holding him to some standard of what I think his recovery should look like is not healthy on my side of the street. Should I be so wrapped up in the "what if's" of his recovery that I would freak out if he misses his meetings or smokes? Should it be in our relationship that he couldnt tell me he started smoking?
Maybe I compromised my boundary but I also gained some recovery MY recovery.
I think my Boundaries can and still will remain----no lies no drugs and faithful to our marriage vows
Today I am coming to understand that not every boundary means I Leave. I expect truthfulness in our marriage and thats something that we will be working on
thanks everyone
Thanks for the replies, you are all correct I did back track and not leave even when he lied. Theres no excuse or justification for him to lie just as theres no justification for me to freak out over his recovery or to keep moving my boundaries.
urmy---you wrote What type of relationship is it when you have to expect the worst and prepare for it? Should relationships that are full of trust, love, caring, etc. be that way? Sadly its a relationship with an addict. Theres no promise of another day clean Ever no matter how many days pass theres Always the chance. Thats pretty much what I was referring to. Today my husband have over a year clean and that is nothing compared to the 10 years he had before but the Best hes done in the last four years. Theres been alot of progress, in his recovery and our relationship. He slipped backwards, he chose something he wanted to do (smoke cigarettes) and he did it despite his previous decision that he would never do it again..........To me that was a scary compromise and the "old behaviors" sneaking and lying have put me "on guard" again But I'm wrong about that. I have no say over his recovery and I keep learning that little by little.
however I realise that its more the fact that he lied than he smoked-----and today so does he.
Anvil --you said there can't be too much more slack left to cut this guy, can there? what about YOU, lies? you keep backing down and compromising and giving him chances......and at what cost to your OWN sense of well being? is there perhaps some middle ground between blowing up and backing down that you still need to find? where the things that are vital to you - truth, integrity, consistency - do not have to be bargained away in order to maintain the peace? YOU count too, ya know.......
Yes Anvil, I do know that I count too and I am trying to find that middle gound.
I hate to be lied to!! I would much rather you just Tell me the truth and deal with it. My husband made a decision to quit smoking and when he went back on that decision he did not tell me, he kept it secret ---He lied by allowing me to continue to think he wasnt smoking.
And frankly I dont know how I would have reacted had he told me the truth if I'm honest I most likely would have been really pissed and threatened to leave because I had smoking and relapse connected in my expectations...........and when I look at that I realise that I would have been pissed and reacted poorly Because of my expectation that he WOULD continue EVERYTHING hes been doing since treatment so I could Feel safe that he was going to stay clean.........and one main thing they stressed was not smoking so I would have reacted poorly.
Thats WHAT I have learned from this-- I learned that I need to make sure I mean what I say first and foremost. This is difficult for me because I speak when angry ( never learned to wait and digest what is in front of me before reacting)
It was a backstep in our relationship and it knocked down a lot of the trust I was beginning to regain --But it also Helped me see that I still have the need to monitor his recovery and hes NOT my child, he shouldnt be afraid to tell me things.........hes a grown man and if he makes the decision to smoke after he quit then why should that be something I would freak out over? If he's going to relapse hes going to relapse, Me holding him to some standard of what I think his recovery should look like is not healthy on my side of the street. Should I be so wrapped up in the "what if's" of his recovery that I would freak out if he misses his meetings or smokes? Should it be in our relationship that he couldnt tell me he started smoking?
Maybe I compromised my boundary but I also gained some recovery MY recovery.
I think my Boundaries can and still will remain----no lies no drugs and faithful to our marriage vows
Today I am coming to understand that not every boundary means I Leave. I expect truthfulness in our marriage and thats something that we will be working on
thanks everyone
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Lies - one of my boundaries now is that when my husband lies (aka disregards the truth) then what I do is detach. Maybe a week, maybe a day, or maybe more. That concept gave me a lot more flexibility and the ability to honor myself without feeling like I was letting myself down with I didn't end the relationship.
If he lies to me about faithfulness or drug/alcohol use THEN I will end my relationship with him. If it is something over than that it is case by case. My love for my husband ended about 2 years ago. I care about him but the kind of love you have with/for a partner is shot due to multiple lies and dry drunk sort of behaviors. I'm sure that most people would say "huh?" why do you stay. Mainly, it is financial and our kids are very devoted to each other and it would be a huge loss for them. They are all in middle and high school so we really don't have much time - so for now, I stay as long as he isn't abusive, doesn't cheat, or use drugs/alcohol.
You are right about the risks of being with an addict. I can't afford to trust him the way that I would someone that hasn't made the life choices that he has. Would I chose the same path for myself again? NO! But I'm in the midst of an entwined life with a sober addict and I recognize that I have to rely on myself. Sounds alot like where you are.
A therapist has helped me to create my goals in a way that my happiness is not dependent on what he is doing. In 4 years I will live in a calm and happy home. That goal does not include/preclude/exclude him....it's all about me. That is the length of time that currently I am willing to invest in this. After that, I'll see.
I hear you with what you are going through. It helps to question yourself and sort it all out. Own what is yours but don't own anymore than that is what I say.
If he lies to me about faithfulness or drug/alcohol use THEN I will end my relationship with him. If it is something over than that it is case by case. My love for my husband ended about 2 years ago. I care about him but the kind of love you have with/for a partner is shot due to multiple lies and dry drunk sort of behaviors. I'm sure that most people would say "huh?" why do you stay. Mainly, it is financial and our kids are very devoted to each other and it would be a huge loss for them. They are all in middle and high school so we really don't have much time - so for now, I stay as long as he isn't abusive, doesn't cheat, or use drugs/alcohol.
You are right about the risks of being with an addict. I can't afford to trust him the way that I would someone that hasn't made the life choices that he has. Would I chose the same path for myself again? NO! But I'm in the midst of an entwined life with a sober addict and I recognize that I have to rely on myself. Sounds alot like where you are.
A therapist has helped me to create my goals in a way that my happiness is not dependent on what he is doing. In 4 years I will live in a calm and happy home. That goal does not include/preclude/exclude him....it's all about me. That is the length of time that currently I am willing to invest in this. After that, I'll see.
I hear you with what you are going through. It helps to question yourself and sort it all out. Own what is yours but don't own anymore than that is what I say.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
Thank you for sharing lightseeker
I know how it feels to stay yet not have what you once had and even wonder Why your there at all.
Some days I wonder if we can ever have that relationship again.
I too have children but mine are finally adults well sort of (21 and 19)
my 19 year old will be moving from home in less than a month, then it will be me, husband and step son. The last 4 years I stayed for so many reasons...........kids, bills, fears- the list is end less
but today I dont feel I have to stay, I truely can say I love my husband he is a good man but or relationship has had so many disappointments we have both become people we really aren't or not the same people we started out as.
He is working on his recovery and I need to leave him to that and stay focused on mine. Practicing detachment --which is difficult for me, easy when things are good not so much when they arent.
For today, thats where I am. I never know when or if it will change but all I can do work on me
I know how it feels to stay yet not have what you once had and even wonder Why your there at all.
Some days I wonder if we can ever have that relationship again.
I too have children but mine are finally adults well sort of
(21 and 19)my 19 year old will be moving from home in less than a month, then it will be me, husband and step son. The last 4 years I stayed for so many reasons...........kids, bills, fears- the list is end less
but today I dont feel I have to stay, I truely can say I love my husband he is a good man but or relationship has had so many disappointments we have both become people we really aren't or not the same people we started out as.
He is working on his recovery and I need to leave him to that and stay focused on mine. Practicing detachment --which is difficult for me, easy when things are good not so much when they arent.
For today, thats where I am. I never know when or if it will change but all I can do work on me
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
Hello Lies, I read your post and some of the replies on your thread, and my heart goes out to you.
One thing I know in life is if you don't have TRUST, then you don't have anything. If he lies to you over smoking cigarettes, doesn't it make you wonder what else he might be lying about and hiding from you? If you can forgive, and if he is willing to change his ways, and understand that lying is a deal breaker, then hopefully you two can work things out. Marriage is about going through good and bad together. Is it worth saving? And is he willing to understand that your not willing to live with a liar?
I wish your marriage a healing, and if it can't be fixed, I wish you a peaceful separation. Without drama and suffering.
One thing I know in life is if you don't have TRUST, then you don't have anything. If he lies to you over smoking cigarettes, doesn't it make you wonder what else he might be lying about and hiding from you? If you can forgive, and if he is willing to change his ways, and understand that lying is a deal breaker, then hopefully you two can work things out. Marriage is about going through good and bad together. Is it worth saving? And is he willing to understand that your not willing to live with a liar?
I wish your marriage a healing, and if it can't be fixed, I wish you a peaceful separation. Without drama and suffering.
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Shouldn't he have been given the tools in rehab to deal with reactions from people he may not feel comfortable with? ie...your response to his smoking?
Shouldn't YOU be able to feel and react to ANYTHING the way you feel fit to? And shouldn't HE have to work on himself to learn to deal with uncomfortable situations?
I just don't see you having to change who YOU are because of HIS issues as being healthy.
I call BS on this one. He lied. If HE HAS AN ISSUE with being open and honest with you...that is HIS problem, not yours.
Trust your gut.
JMO.
Shouldn't YOU be able to feel and react to ANYTHING the way you feel fit to? And shouldn't HE have to work on himself to learn to deal with uncomfortable situations?
I just don't see you having to change who YOU are because of HIS issues as being healthy.
I call BS on this one. He lied. If HE HAS AN ISSUE with being open and honest with you...that is HIS problem, not yours.
Trust your gut.
JMO.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Liesagain, I have heard your husband's statement too many times to count. My RABF will lie and then say that he did it because I would get too up set if I found out. He says that I would then jump to conclusions that think that he was back to codeine.
My RABF has been clean for about a year and a half, and claims he is working on the lying issue. Just today, he was telling me that I am right. He finds it too easy to say little lies to people, and it there is no reason to be dishonest.
Of course, I still have an issue with the lying and it always worries me that there is something larger that he is lying about. My RABF has also had an on again off again relationship with tobacco (chewing tobacco). We've had some fights when he's hidden it from me that he is back on it.
I'm sorry I can't help you. I'm just letting you know that I understand what you are saying. I've heard it a lot and it is very frustrating.
My RABF has been clean for about a year and a half, and claims he is working on the lying issue. Just today, he was telling me that I am right. He finds it too easy to say little lies to people, and it there is no reason to be dishonest.
Of course, I still have an issue with the lying and it always worries me that there is something larger that he is lying about. My RABF has also had an on again off again relationship with tobacco (chewing tobacco). We've had some fights when he's hidden it from me that he is back on it.
I'm sorry I can't help you. I'm just letting you know that I understand what you are saying. I've heard it a lot and it is very frustrating.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Originally Posted by bluebelle
My RABF will lie and then say that he did it because I would get too up set if I found out. He says that I would then jump to conclusions that think that he was back to codeine.
I just want to scream when I hear this lame excuse and I usually fire back with, "Well, if you knew it would hurt or bother me, then why did you do it?"
UGGH!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
Sofa, You are right, it is his responsibility to deal with reactions from people expecially me. I wasnt trying to make an excuse for him.....merely trying to identify my behaviors and where my recovery needs to improve and right now I see that I need to work more on detachment.
Bluebelle- ((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))) thanks for your reply
URMY, thats how I feel too, if you knew it would Upset me then why did you do it to start with............and thats where I had to see Its Not about me. Why should I care sooooo much about if he smoked a cigarette that I would be upset and angry if he told me he was smoking again?
Thats the thing, I havent detached, nor have I given up trying to control his recovery----those are my issues and clearly honesty is one of his issues.
All I can do is work on me so for today thats what I'm trying to do
Bluebelle- ((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))) thanks for your reply
URMY, thats how I feel too, if you knew it would Upset me then why did you do it to start with............and thats where I had to see Its Not about me. Why should I care sooooo much about if he smoked a cigarette that I would be upset and angry if he told me he was smoking again?
Thats the thing, I havent detached, nor have I given up trying to control his recovery----those are my issues and clearly honesty is one of his issues.
All I can do is work on me so for today thats what I'm trying to do
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Originally Posted by URMYEVERYTHING
I just want to scream when I hear this lame excuse and I usually fire back with, "Well, if you knew it would hurt or bother me, then why did you do it?"
Shouldn't YOU be able to feel and react to ANYTHING the way you feel fit to? And shouldn't HE have to work on himself to learn to deal with uncomfortable situations?...Shouldn't YOU be able to feel and react to ANYTHING the way you feel fit to?
I think the best advice here for me is what Chino said - I've got to leave other's (actions) to themselves, act in ways I believe are the best/healthiest for my values, and react responsibly and yet still keep my boundaries in place. That is why choosing our essential boundaries and being able to enforce them is soooo important. Easy right (LOL).
Lies - I've been reading this thread with interest because it's almost the same as what happened with my RAH and I about the time it happened to you.
About what URMYEVERYTHING and Sofacat alluded to: Let me be clear, I am honest almost to a fault when it comes to everyone else except my husband. In the past, I was such a people pleaser that I'd lie to make others happy - or say what I thought they wanted to hear. I don't do that anymore and I'm so thankful I learned how to be true to myself and maintain honesty. I believe it has helped me develop stronger relationships and feel better about myself. But it didn't happen in one day. With my ex (abusive) spouse, I lied so I wouldn't be verbally and/or physically abused. So, here I've gotta say that my own reactions with my husband in the past bordered on verbal abuse....I would say demeaning things, maybe call names, definitely yell. I'd be afraid of that if I was my RAH, so yes, I strongly believe each person in a healthy relationship should be mindful of how they react. We are responsible for ourselves. Reacting is natural...but to react with anger is not always the best choice and is not necessarily healthy for either partner. I'm not saying that's what you are doing Lies, btw, just throwing it out there.
These are learned behaviors. I had to unlearn my own destructive behaviors. I had to remind myself in small, almost insignificant times to be myself around others, and trust if they didn't accept me for who I am, that that's OK and something I just have to accept. I believe that's what my husband is trying to relearn now - to be honest and let the chips fall where they may - not just with me - that if he's living an honest, spiritual program, he should have nothing to fear about honesty. But I understand his fear of telling me he had smoked (which he did, after the fact) I would have reacted poorly - yelled, or not talked to him for days, withdrew my love and affection - kinda like had a tantrum that he's reluctant to face. Does that justify it? Of course not. But I do believe I need to be respectful in my dealings with others, and reacting like that isn't conducive to a healthy relationship and building trust.
So, this is where my dishonesty with him comes into the picture. I am a responsible adult. I went out with friends last week. I had two margaritas. I wasn't driving so there was no problem with that. When I got home, he asked me how many drinks I had and I said one. Why? Because since he's been clean this time he seems to have an issue with me drinking. So, instead of listen to him b*tch about him not liking my drinking, I lied. Two issues here - why he's bothered about my drinking, which is only social and occasional, and that I didn't face the issue with honesty and instead avoided his reaction. Now, if you asked me the question URMYEVERYTHING did...if I knew it would bother him, why'd I do it? ....because there is no reason for me not have had that extra drink. I'm not an alcoholic. I've never had a problem with drinking responsibly. There is no reason for him to put that expectation on me or for me to accept it. Did that make it OK? No.
The trust issue goes both ways: not only not to lie to each other, but also to trust each other with the truth; to remember where we end and others begin. I know I'm not perfect, he's not either....and we are BOTH working on things. Sounds like you two are too.
I have two boundaries right now: no drugs and no cheating because those are the only two that are deal breakers.
Hope things are better for you today, Lies, and that your needs/wants are more clear to you. Saying what you mean and meaning what you say is a good step in the right direction; boundaries are meaningless without that follow through. Please don't take my post as a justification for lies - that is not what I mean at all......
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
