figured out my fear
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
figured out my fear
maybe i have seen too many documentaries. but, i figured out my fear. Of course there is the addiction to the drugs, but it is the prostitution. My fear is that she could end up in a situation that she cannot get away from, like where she is "kept." She told me how that had already happened, but she took off. I understand that if she is just on drugs she could call anytime, but if she is in a situation where she cannot is what gets to me. maybe that's over dramatic, but it is why i need to hear similar stories, or stories of similar situations that can give me hope.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Exactly where my HP wants me to be
Posts: 136
Originally Posted by steve1840 
maybe i have seen too many documentaries. but, i figured out my fear. Of course there is the addiction to the drugs, but it is the prostitution. My fear is that she could end up in a situation that she cannot get away from, like where she is "kept." She told me how that had already happened, but she took off. I understand that if she is just on drugs she could call anytime, but if she is in a situation where she cannot is what gets to me. maybe that's over dramatic, but it is why i need to hear similar stories, or stories of similar situations that can give me hope.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,870
Steve, the fact remains that she does choose to be in those positions. You really need to go to naranon and see for yourself that you are not able to control what she does and continuing to think of all the awful things she might be subjected to is only prolonging your own agony. She can stop anytime she wants to. She doesn't want to badly enough. You can stop obsessing anytime you want to, too. Please, get some help for yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
i am going to a meeting tonight if i can. its at least good to know that it is me projecting and that you believe she could get out anytime. it is unbelievable that the addiction pulls one down so low, too where they do things that once seemed unthinkable to them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
i have thought about it coffee drinker, but i am not finding anything else. she is still young and pretty and i am afraid of her getting taken off the streets and put into escort service where basically she is given drugs and no money. i have seen those shows where the girls are basically slaves and so doped up they cannot do anything anyway. but maybe that is an extreme.
anvil you are correct about the obsessing and getting dragged down. i am actually familiar with the bad neighborhoods though, i spend time taking pictures in them believe it or not. but, you are correct in that i am putting myself closer in the line of fire.
i tried to find a meeting yesterday but there was not one in my area there is one tuesday i will go to that.
all i want to know is that she is not in danger by having some pimp controlling her
anvil you are correct about the obsessing and getting dragged down. i am actually familiar with the bad neighborhoods though, i spend time taking pictures in them believe it or not. but, you are correct in that i am putting myself closer in the line of fire.
i tried to find a meeting yesterday but there was not one in my area there is one tuesday i will go to that.
all i want to know is that she is not in danger by having some pimp controlling her
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,870
all i want to know is that she is not in danger by having some pimp controlling her
No one here can tell you that. Even if that did happen, the fact remains that it is totally out of your control. In addition, if you keep trying to control her, you might just push her farther away and she might stop all contact with you. Again, my advice is to leave her alone.
No one here can tell you that. Even if that did happen, the fact remains that it is totally out of your control. In addition, if you keep trying to control her, you might just push her farther away and she might stop all contact with you. Again, my advice is to leave her alone.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 182
Steve,
I am sorry your friend is choosing this path to go down. I know how the anxiety, frustration and feeling one must do something/anything to help feels. For me all of my efforts to help or save any addicts in my life have failed miserably. Sometimes I think I made things worse instead of better. Taking away consequences just prolongs the process and makes everything worse. Go to a meeting if you can - taking care of you is all you can do.
I am sorry your friend is choosing this path to go down. I know how the anxiety, frustration and feeling one must do something/anything to help feels. For me all of my efforts to help or save any addicts in my life have failed miserably. Sometimes I think I made things worse instead of better. Taking away consequences just prolongs the process and makes everything worse. Go to a meeting if you can - taking care of you is all you can do.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by steve1840
i have thought about it coffee drinker, but i am not finding anything else. she is still young and pretty and i am afraid of her getting taken off the streets and put into escort service where basically she is given drugs and no money.
all i want to know is that she is not in danger by having some pimp controlling her
all i want to know is that she is not in danger by having some pimp controlling her
the fear for her safety, the prostitution, for sure that is real. but what i was getting at, is where you think about the fear, and your finger turns around and is now pointing at you.
i would suggest:
1. you feel abandoned
2. you feel unloved
3. you wish she would come back to you
4. you are still hoping that you two will have a life together
5. you are powerless
basically, in my opinion, fear is always attached to our own needs, and something that's going on is in conflict with us trying to get those needs met.
i hope i haven't offended...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
coffeedrinker-
no, it takes a lot to offend me. i see where you are going with that, but i must clarify that her and i were not in a relationship for nearly 2 years. she did not abandon me in that way, although she did abandon her current boyfriend. so, with that, i am not looking for her to return to have a life together with her. powerless yes!
i do think you are on to something that has started to surface in me, that her and i are not so different. i have struggled with my own issues, but always maintained my "regular" life. i am wondering if her abandoning the regular life to immerse in the addiction and all, has triggered something in me to an extent. maybe it has brought to light that i have inside me the same thing that brought her there, that there was potential for me to loose everything, but i escaped, but have a similar darkness inside me. perhaps i vicariously immerse through her actions. that brings it around to again wanting to get her out of that world and wanting her to pursue her dreams from her regular life.
no matter what all the psychoanalysis may be, the facts remain the same and reality is what it is.
no, it takes a lot to offend me. i see where you are going with that, but i must clarify that her and i were not in a relationship for nearly 2 years. she did not abandon me in that way, although she did abandon her current boyfriend. so, with that, i am not looking for her to return to have a life together with her. powerless yes!
i do think you are on to something that has started to surface in me, that her and i are not so different. i have struggled with my own issues, but always maintained my "regular" life. i am wondering if her abandoning the regular life to immerse in the addiction and all, has triggered something in me to an extent. maybe it has brought to light that i have inside me the same thing that brought her there, that there was potential for me to loose everything, but i escaped, but have a similar darkness inside me. perhaps i vicariously immerse through her actions. that brings it around to again wanting to get her out of that world and wanting her to pursue her dreams from her regular life.
no matter what all the psychoanalysis may be, the facts remain the same and reality is what it is.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((steve))
it is sad to watch someone you love walk down the path you are talking about - I don't even want to remember some of the things my daughter did, experienced or went thru while she was active in her disease. IT WAS A NIGHTMARE. I'm pretty sure sex for drugs, alcohol were part of it and I know that 3 jail terms still didn't help her hit her bottom - what helped her - only her and her God know.
Today she is 15 months sober/clean - I am grateful!
But while she was out doing what she had to do - my sponsor had me do a painful exercise - we did my worse FEAR - we buried her. I played out the being notified, telling everyone, the funeral, every little detail - and then my sponsor said - ok when it's all over and done what will you do next - I said "Well I guess I have to get up the next morning and go to work"
She said right - you will still be hurting for a long time, but you will get thru it, you will survive, God has given you the strength, courage and wisdom to take care of YOU; so today you need to do just that - take care of YOU"
My friend, Steve, keep looking for those meetings, reading recovery literature, talking with your HP and recovery friends - Do what is healthy and recovery oriented for you - after all YOU deserve it!!!!
HUGS,
Rita
it is sad to watch someone you love walk down the path you are talking about - I don't even want to remember some of the things my daughter did, experienced or went thru while she was active in her disease. IT WAS A NIGHTMARE. I'm pretty sure sex for drugs, alcohol were part of it and I know that 3 jail terms still didn't help her hit her bottom - what helped her - only her and her God know.
Today she is 15 months sober/clean - I am grateful!
But while she was out doing what she had to do - my sponsor had me do a painful exercise - we did my worse FEAR - we buried her. I played out the being notified, telling everyone, the funeral, every little detail - and then my sponsor said - ok when it's all over and done what will you do next - I said "Well I guess I have to get up the next morning and go to work"
She said right - you will still be hurting for a long time, but you will get thru it, you will survive, God has given you the strength, courage and wisdom to take care of YOU; so today you need to do just that - take care of YOU"
My friend, Steve, keep looking for those meetings, reading recovery literature, talking with your HP and recovery friends - Do what is healthy and recovery oriented for you - after all YOU deserve it!!!!
HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by Japic05
But while she was out doing what she had to do - my sponsor had me do a painful exercise - we did my worse FEAR - we buried her.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
rita-
thank you. that was helpful. i think hearing form people with the exact scenario really helps- heroin, crack, selling herself. Having that to relate to has made it easier to accept. i do keep thinking the worst. for me though, death is not the worst. there is finality in that. the suffering ends. my worst fear is her experiencing decades of addiction and prostitution, possibly getting beaten etc, what that will do to her psyche and her having to live with all of it, of her never finding her way back. that is my worst fear. so what do i do about that? as you said, i accept it and live my life. that is all i can do.
chino-
i thought of your post when i read rita's
thank you. that was helpful. i think hearing form people with the exact scenario really helps- heroin, crack, selling herself. Having that to relate to has made it easier to accept. i do keep thinking the worst. for me though, death is not the worst. there is finality in that. the suffering ends. my worst fear is her experiencing decades of addiction and prostitution, possibly getting beaten etc, what that will do to her psyche and her having to live with all of it, of her never finding her way back. that is my worst fear. so what do i do about that? as you said, i accept it and live my life. that is all i can do.
chino-
i thought of your post when i read rita's
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by steve1840
rita-
for me though, death is not the worst. there is finality in that. the suffering ends.
for me though, death is not the worst. there is finality in that. the suffering ends.
the truth was, i did not have the strength that comes with the freedom of letting it go, letting him go.
the truth was, i had not yet given myself permission to not be front and center to the awful "life" that addiction brings.
understanding has been helpful, definitely. being with others who get it like no one else, has been helpful.
but ultimately, what was most helpful was surrendering, and walking away.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
