ladyamalthea

Friends,

I hope there are some around who remember me. I'm sure you don't want to re-read my entire life story, even just the part that pertains to this site, but here are the basics for those who don't know me: My sister is a recovering heroin addict, my parents are codependent on her, and I am, to some extent, codependent on the entire situation. My sister's addiction had, at one point, almost torn my entire family apart, and when I first came here, I was extremely mad at the world, but especially mad at my parents for choosing to forget me in an effort to save my sister, and even angrier at my sister for taking them away from me, and ruining them in the process. I understand that this view was very much skewed by my own selfishness and confusion, but on some level I still struggle with resenting my sister, who has been living with my parents and using methadone as a method of staying away from heroin for the past 2 1/2 years. She is still not working, and she is still draining my parents of every penny they have, but at least now she is not sneaking around. I thought I was to a point where I could handle my emotions in the situation until today, when that illusion came to a grinding hault.

And this, my friends, is what has sent me running back to you. My sister called me today and told me she had until midnight tonight to turn herself in. She has been on first offender probation since january of 2008 for drug charges. About three weeks ago, she apparently got a DUI for intoxication by prescription drugs. She was arrested and my dad posted her bail. Her probation officer turned around and violated her probation, understandably. I had no knowledge of any of this, until I got a phone call from her today. She was calling to let me know she would be going back to jail tonight and would have to stay there for about a month, which is how long they told her she'll have to wait for her hearing. She then tells me that it's okay, though, b/c she has found a way to smuggle methadone into the jail so she can stay medicated. My husband, who is a probation officer, got really alarmed when I told him this and said she needed to know that this would be a felony charge if she got caught. So now I'm worrying about her getting caught with the methadone, because I don't want her to get in even more trouble, but at the same time, I'm worried about how she'll handle detox, too, b/c it was so bad the last time she was completely clean.

And above and beyond everything else, I'm scared because I don't know what to do anymore. I had trained myself to be as detached as possible while still trying to be civil (after all, she does still live with my parents; and, she'll be my only flesh and blood one day), but I feel just as much pain right now as I did when I was at my deepest point of her addiction. I'm right back to wanting to love her back to health, and I know that doesn't work. So, do I let go now?

Oh, and on top of all of this, she promised she would call before turning herself in, and here it is midnight, the time she was supposed to be going in, and no call... big surprise...

itisatruth

Hi Lady...I remember you

I know how heart-wrenching it can be but, honestly, it sounds like the best thing you can do is let go. She has brought this on herself - your parents may be able to help with attorney costs or try to enable in whatever way they can - but eventually, she'll have to face at least some of the repercussions of this which may hurt, but also, may hold her accountable for her own actions. Where she goes from there is up to her. Hopefully, she is able to clean up enough to choose a better path.

As for the resentment you feel with the situation with your parents - I guess I'd say try to let that go too...and know that they aren't doing it to hurt you but because they probably don't know what else to do or how to do what they should do.

Hugs~

suki44883

Detach, detach, detach!! You cannot help her. You know that. She is going to do whatever she is going to do and there is nothing you can do to stop that. Her own bad choices have put her where she is. Sorry to be so blunt, but it is the truth. You were doing okay until she called and drug you back into her drama. Let it go. Let her go.

sofacat

She needs to experience the consequences of her own actions in order for her to find her own way out.

Keep working on you, and the rest will happen as it is supposed to. You have no control over her, remember this.

Hammerhead

Never mind the consequence... "it's ok"...??? Sure it is.

Smuggling anything into jail to stay "medicated" is what addicts do... I'm pretty sure the jail has a doctor if she needs medical attention.

Yep... detach... consequence #1 isn't phasing her.... maybe consequence #2 will.... but we have no control over that.

Take care of you...Alanon?

URMYEVERYTHING

It's the hardest thing to do to walk away from a loved one who is so ill but it's the healthiest thing to do for all who is tangled up in her chaos. You cannot control what will happen to her in jail. If she detoxes and has a horrible time they have people there to help her through that. They see people come in and out of jail like that everyday. As far as the Methadone and her wanting to smuggle it in....let her find out the hard way. She will only learn from the consequences of her own behavior. They have to fall really hard before getting back up. If you keep cushioning her fall she will never learn. I'm sorry you are going through this. I completely understand. All I can say is with her going to jail.....this would be the perfect time to detach. I sure wish I would have.

ladyamalthea

So, apparently she did not turn herself in last night...the new plan is that she's going to detox first. Sounds great, except the detox place has no available spots until Friday morning. So now my parents have actually asked me to harbor her until then, with my dad coming down every morning to get her and take her to the methadone clinic. I can't believe they are asking me to do this! Now I get to be the bad guy and tell them I cannot risk my career or my husband's (I'm pretty sure harboring a fugitive counts against my moral requirements as a teacher), and I have a bad feeling that this may be the last I hear from my parents for a long while. See now why I feel so much pain towards them? They are throwing me into a situation where they will have to choose me or her, and I know what the choice will be.

I was all ready to type a thank you message about how I know I need to detach, and how I knew you guys would steer me back in the right direction, and now I just can't think. I give up.

URMYEVERYTHING

Unfortunately, you have to detach from the entire family. All three of them are battling with addiction and codependency. Are you willing to set that boundary with your parents? You have too. They are going to use you to have their needs met to help your sister. They need help too as they are in an unhealthy place as well. It sucks that you have to be the stronger person in the family right now to set boundaries but feeling like the "bad guy" is far more better than actually being the bad guy entangled in an addicts mess with the risk of losing your home, her bringing drugs into the home, losing your husband and the list is endless with an addict.

ladyamalthea

I know... it's just not fair though! I know I sound like a three year old throwing a temper tantrum right now, but what have I done to deserve this? I feel like my family is about to be ripped right out from under me. As soon as I call back and tell them no, it'll all be over, and who knows if they will ever forgive me? I'm so sick of having to pay for her actions, and I thought we had all finally gotten to a point where the family would grow back together, and all would be well eventually. I still need my parents, and I guess I'm realizing that I'm about to lose them. And it hurts.

URMYEVERYTHING

I know it's hard and you have every right to be angry but eventually you will have to let the anger and resentments go. I have a lot of resentment towards myself for staying in a relationship with an addict as long as I did but as the days go on I know that me separating myself from him and not having him in my life will give me the opportunity heal. Give yourself time. Your parents will also learn. They aren't ready yet to detach themselves but will eventually get it after your sister has burned them as well. Give it some time. Encourage them to get treatment and give them resources (Al Anon, etc.).

ladyamalthea

My husband just called my sister and told her that he didn't think her staying with us is a good idea. He said she was a little stunned, and her response was an uneasy, "oh, okay." I just want so badly to fix this. I hate this situation. I wish I could have her stay here, just wave my magic wand and take away all the reasons why I can't do it. And I want her to know that I love her. But I can't do any of that right now, and it hurts so badly! And on top of that, now I'm sure dh is feeling a little awkward... he's mad at me that I made him call. But I knew that if I called, I wouldn't have the heart to tell her no.

I can't take this anymore.

ladyamalthea

And now I feel guilty because I'm not helping her. I feel terrible for anyone else who has ever had to tell an addict that he or she cannot say with them. This is a terrible, horrible feeling, and the impluse to call my sister and say I changed my mind and she is welcome to stay here is unbelievable. But I know if I do that, I risk losing my husband in the short term, and losing everything else if I get caught hiding her. I hate my life right now...

And I'm sorry I keep posting here; I just have nowhere else to go.

Chino

Do you go to meetings?

ladyamalthea

No... I guess I need to find one.

ladyamalthea

Did I do the right thing by listening to my husband? I can hear my dad in my mind now, from even before ds's addiction, saying that family should always put each other first...

Chino

My family always said the same thing and I live and breathe it.

Here's the deal though.... you have your own family now

ladyamalthea

Thanks Chino. You're right...

But I'm still feeling like I have hurt my parents and my sister now. And I hate that feeling, because they are so important to me.

And then I'm still mad at them because they put me in this position... either way, I'm not coping very well at the moment.

And I just went to nar-anon's website. There are no meetings listed there within 50 miles of my house.

suki44883

Until your sister faces the consequences of her bad choices, she will never change. That is just a fact. Your parents don't understand this very important fact. You do, as does your husband. Hang in there. You are doing the right thing.

ladyamalthea

That's just it, though... I thought she had learned to face her consequences.

I figured out that she got the DUI because she drove right after taking her methadone. In Georgia, that's still a DUI, and I know it doesn't change anything or make it better, but at least she wasn't taking an illegal substance or drinking. And she really had seemed to do so well for the last two years. But with my husband being a probation officer and me being a teacher, both of our futures would be toast if I allowed her to stay with us while there is a warrant for her arrest and we got caught. I know all this, but I still feel like a bad person for not taking her in.

ladyamalthea

Thanks for being so blunt Anvil. And I'm not being sarcastic, I realize that I need tough love right now. You're right, none of this is my problem or my fault. But I can't imagine my life without my parents and my sister. I guess knowing that one way or another this will not end happily is making it hard. I feel like I just got my parents back, and now I'm losing them again. Same thing with ds.