suki44883

Sometimes, family, as much as we love them, are not healthy for us. It sounds like it's time for you to set some boundaries in that area. If family members punish you for taking care of yourself, then maybe it's best if you don't associate with them all that much. Only you can decide whether or not your own well-being is your priority.

Freedom1990

Let's back up a bit. The current situation is the direct result of your sister's addiction. Now explain to me how you have hurt them when it has been your parents' choice to enable her, and her choice to remain in active addiction.

Your parents are not doing anything to you. They are doing what enablers do--cushioning the addict from consequences. It's NOT personal towards you.

When I got clean/sober, my parents had no one to enable.

When my oldest daughter got active in her addictions, guess who they enabled?

I used to get extremely frustrated because they would not listen to me.

Today I no longer take a front seat to anyone's addictions, including my 32 year old AD, and when my parents enable, I don't want to hear about it period.

I have had times I went no contact with my parents.

Look for Alanon meetings. They are more widely available, same principles.

Your sister's disease is eating you alive, and if you don't get off the merry-go-round, you will drown right with her.

Let your parents deal with her their way, and I would highly suggest no contact with any of them right now.

Get your hands on a copy of the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Read it!

I sleep well at night knowing I have placed my AD in God's loving hands.

The ball is in your court.

ladyamalthea

Anvil, you're right about drawing that line... and something just happened that made it even easier to draw that line. My dad just sent my husband an extremely nasty text message about this whole ordeal. I'm definitely not doing anything to help someone who harrasses my husband... and the funny part is, he had the nerve to get on to dh for choosing social issues over family (we told them that there was no way sis could stay with us, b/c too many of our friends are cops and they would end up finding out about her somehow)... well, what he's forgetting is that dh IS choosing his family. He and I are each other's immediate family. Period.

Freedom, I agree with you, and I know my parents are not purposely doing anything to me; but when they choose to pull me into their problems by asking me to commit a felony by harboring a fugitive, they are putting me in a bad situation. Whether they mean to or not. So to say they are not doing anything to me is not entirely accurately, in all fairness. So yes, I am a little mad at them, and for now I'm okay with being a little mad at them, because that's easier than worrying about what they think of me. In a few days' time when I am less emotional about this, then we can talk about me not being mad at them. But I think anger is a healthier emotion than desperation at this point, so there I am.

I'm about to have company over in the way of my husband's family, so I won't be reading anything else here until later tonight or first thing tomorrow. But I will read it.

Thanks for all of the help everyone. I'm so glad I could come back here. I will definitely be sticking around this time!

SistersHelp

I remember you, of course I do. You were the very first person to welcome me here when I arrived here two years ago, scared and lost and looking for help. You hold a special place in my heart.

You have already received wonderful advice and thoughts from people who have far more experience than I do... so I'm not going to try and top it. I just wanted to add my voice to those supporting you, caring about you, and wishing for the best in your life.

Lisa

ladyamalthea

Thanks Lisa! That means so much to me

I've been trying all day today to keep my head up, and to enjoy the 4th of July festivities. And while I was generally glad to get out of the house and stay busy, the events of the past 24 hours have been in the back of my mind all day, and it has driven me to the point where sometimes I'm okay, but sometimes I start crying, for no apparent reason. I just keep thinking that this may be the end of my relationship with my family as I know it, and I don't know how I would manage without my mom, or my dad, or even my sister, in the long term. I know I need to detach, but thinking about the possibility of this being a permanent situation makes me pale. I know that sounds insensitive to those of you who have had to do that very thing, and I don't mean any disrespect. I just don't see how you do it. So I think about it, and I cry, and I calm down, and then two hours later I cry again. Is this normal, or am I slowly going insane?

Chino

Crying is healthy. You're letting all the stress out and you'll be better off for it. This might be the end of the relationship as you know it, and somewhere down the road you might get a better one in place of it. My relationships with all my loved ones are better, but it took a lot of work on my part. I had to learn to let go and just love them.

ladyamalthea

See... before yesterday, my mom and I were back to a point where we talked each and every day, sometimes more than once. I want to pick up the phone and call her right now, and I don't feel like I can, and it hurts. As much as I resented the way her and dad have acted over the last few years, she's still my mom... and she's not the one who sent dh ugly messages yesterday. That was all dad. But I keep coming back to the point of, they don't seem to care that they were asking me to commit a felony for her. They don't care that, while the chance of us getting caught may have been slim, there was still a chance, and luck has a way of not working in my favor. And so they are mad at my husband for not putting family first. But he is putting family first; HIS family. I can't help being saddened that we are at a point where they are upset that he is protecting me. I know how deep into this they must still be for them to not understand what they are asking and why we coudln't do it, but it still hurts that I have to let them go because they are mad at me for not committing a felony.

I used to think my MIL was a nut because she has no relationship with her parents, but now I find myself wanting to ask her how she did it.

JMFburns

Look for an AlAnon meeting.

My two cents, I hear ALOT of speculating about the future, why not just try living in today. Each time you get a bit worried about where your relationship with your parents is going from here, take a breath and try to just live in today. Take the next right step for you and your husband today.

Get out of bed, thank God for the day and ask for guidance to be the best you can be today, make your bed, get dressed, brush your teeth and hair, eat breakfast, kiss your husband as you both head off to work, touch base with us, try to focus on getting some "good" work done, enjoy a lite lunch and thank God for being beside you through this part of your day, smile and say "hello" to a coworker or two, wrap up your work day with some work (give it your all,) head home and fix something good for dinner (even if it's pancakes!) tell your husband you're glad to see him home and that you had a good day (Act As If and Fake it Till You Make it (Slogans)), touch base with us again at the end of the day and as you lay your head on the pillow tonight, thank God again for the day, for the chance to be the best you can be, and for his support throughout the day.

Find an AlAnon meeting and try to stay as focus as you can on:
God - or whatever your Higher Power is
Your family - you and your husband
Only the current minute or day that you're living.

My thoughts are with you.

ladyamalthea

JMF,

You are so right! I can only control how I contribute to what kind of day I have, so I should really make the most of it. I will definitely be making more of an effort to follow your advice from here on out.