He's going to prison, why am I sad about it?
 

His sister called me late this morning and told me tearfully "he's gone." He told her to tell me he loves me more than anything (my mind added except drugs and drinking) and he's going to fix his life and make something out of himself. I replied "I'll believe that when I see it." He's in county till Monday, then they'll take him wherever he's going. no one knows yet.
I was ok. I thought I was, but now I'm crying, wishing it didn't have to be like this, feeling guilty for not speaking to him before he went...all this **** going through my mind, how good things were when they were good, what a ******* he was when they weren't, how we fought so much, how he really does seem to love me, but I think he'll stop when he gets healthy. I don't think he ever really did, just needed someone to use, and fooled himself into thinking it was love. I want to get drunk. I want to have sex with someone. I want to go talk to a therapist. I want a time machine.
I'm thinking of visiting him while he's in county. I don't know why I want to. It would do me no good, and give him the false hope that there will be a woman waiting for him to use and abuse when he gets out. I don't know why I still love him after everything he's done. He doesn't deserve it, and it's hard for me to admit it, but I DO dammit and I want to stop. I hate this!
So, since I"m a musician, songs punctuate my feelings. This one has been going through my mind today.

YouTube - BETTE MIDLER - I think it´s gonna rain today (1988)

I used to confuse need and pity with love.

Thank God I don't do that anymore. :)

Breathe and get through it a day @ a time. Anvil is right, it shouldn't be this hard or demanding. You shouldn't have to sacrifice so much for love.

Grieve the loss today.
Tomorrow get back on your own recovery path.
Life is a series of Letting go; it is important that we see when it is time.

These lines jumped out at me in your post.

I'm thinking of visiting him while he's in county. I don't know why I want to. It would do me no good.....

I don't know why I still love him after everything he's done......and it's hard for me to admit it, but I DO dammit and I want to stop. I hate this!

These words could be written by alcoholic about their booze or someone who's trying to let one go.

Either way, it's addiction.

Alice

Thank you all so much:)
I've been doing yardwork and thinking about stuff. I realized how relieved I am now that the initial whatever it was has passed. You are all right...it IS an addiction. I've known that. I remember when things first started to go wrong, I thought how I wanted to stop but it was like I couldn't. Wow. I realized how free I feel now, for the first time in a long time.
Thank you all for your revealing comments. This is why I <3 you!