Question and personal update
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 30
Question and personal update
How do you all settle into a new normal with your addict? (For those of you that do) I don't know if I can explain this well but I felt like my sister was going through a crazy time that required an equally harsh response. I mean, she's decided to be an addict and until she decided to not be an addict I would have no contact and all that. Give it 6 months and she'll be fine and we'll go back to normal. Wow, that sounds stupid to write out.
I'm coming to realize that this is who she is and who she will continue to be until she decides to help herself. I can't cut her out forever though, she's my sister. We're settling on a new "normal". One where we can talk and visit but with conditions. She can't borrow the car. She can't borrow money. She can't stay the night here. I won't buy her things or pay her bills. She asks sometimes but is accepting of the NO answer. I feel guilty about accepting her situation and learning to live with it. I guess I feel guilty about not constantly shaming her into recovery. Like I'm letting her and myself down by not reminding her every time I see her that she's an addict and needs to change. Again, that sounds very stupid to say out loud. I guess by accepting that this is long term I'm letting her down somehow.
Also, I'm coming to terms with some things myself and going through this with my sister has brought a lot of personal problems to light. I have social anxiety disorder. A doctor told me this years ago but I blew it off and secluded myself from the outside world more with every passing year. It seems like a catch 22, a doctor could help me but I am too anxious and scared to call. Seeing my sister throw away everything made me realize I'm doing the same by isolating myself. It's not much, but I went to the supermarket and the vet's office today. Things I haven't done in literally years. I'm also writing this post
I've posted before but this is the first time I've been so personal.
I've held off on going to alanon meetings due to this. I know encouraging my mother to go would really help her (and myself too). She can't go alone due to health problems and I've been too scared to take her to a meeting. I don't like asking for help but I would like some encouragement. To be honest, I'm afraid people there will think I have no business there because it's just my sister and the impact on my life isn't as drastic as some others.
I'm coming to realize that this is who she is and who she will continue to be until she decides to help herself. I can't cut her out forever though, she's my sister. We're settling on a new "normal". One where we can talk and visit but with conditions. She can't borrow the car. She can't borrow money. She can't stay the night here. I won't buy her things or pay her bills. She asks sometimes but is accepting of the NO answer. I feel guilty about accepting her situation and learning to live with it. I guess I feel guilty about not constantly shaming her into recovery. Like I'm letting her and myself down by not reminding her every time I see her that she's an addict and needs to change. Again, that sounds very stupid to say out loud. I guess by accepting that this is long term I'm letting her down somehow.
Also, I'm coming to terms with some things myself and going through this with my sister has brought a lot of personal problems to light. I have social anxiety disorder. A doctor told me this years ago but I blew it off and secluded myself from the outside world more with every passing year. It seems like a catch 22, a doctor could help me but I am too anxious and scared to call. Seeing my sister throw away everything made me realize I'm doing the same by isolating myself. It's not much, but I went to the supermarket and the vet's office today. Things I haven't done in literally years. I'm also writing this post
I've posted before but this is the first time I've been so personal.I've held off on going to alanon meetings due to this. I know encouraging my mother to go would really help her (and myself too). She can't go alone due to health problems and I've been too scared to take her to a meeting. I don't like asking for help but I would like some encouragement. To be honest, I'm afraid people there will think I have no business there because it's just my sister and the impact on my life isn't as drastic as some others.
it is what it is
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Griffin GA
Posts: 454
I understand your feelings that tend to minimize what you are going through in comparison to others. I have a tendency to do the same thing. Everyone's experience with addiction is different in its own way, but bottom line we are all still dealing with addiction. It is a painful and frustrating situation and reaching out for help for yourself is the best thing you can do. I hope you will continue to work on yourself and take the steps you need to become as healthy as possible.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 626
No one is going to judge you because she's "only your sister". Please go. I cannot say enough good things about the support and help I chose to get by going to Al-Anon. You don't have to speak if you don't want to, but it will be a very safe place.
And a big congratulations for venturing out! That is a big step.
And a big congratulations for venturing out! That is a big step.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Referring to the first half of your post about the new normal:
I just want to thank you for putting this into words. You cannot believe how much I am struggling with this one right now (and to be truthful, i am always struggling with this one). Yeah, it feels by not bringing up the subject and by just having a lunch together where we talk about other things, i feel like he will think his life is normal, that there is no problem here, that he will just live to a ripe-old age of 90 and be totally clueless. I compare that to going to a doctor who sees a lump on my leg, brings it up once or twice, then never brings it up again whenever I go for an office visit in spite of the fact that it continues to grow larger and larger. Is the doctor waiting for my Higher Power to lead me to treatment apart from him because that is the best way? What kind of a doctor would do that? What kind of a parent am I to do that? My son is committing slow suicide, and the thing required of me is to stand back, let him be, and give it over to a silent, invisible Higher Power. Okay, this has turned into a rant for me. I know better. There are other angles to this that I'm not focusing on. I guess my task for today is to not focus on my frustrations and fears but instead on our Higher Power's power.
Anyway, for someone who thinks she does not do well in communicating with others, you sure did a great job putting this aspect of dealing with detachment into words.
Again, thanks. This has helped me bring this topic up to the outer aspects of my thought process where I can deal with it successfully..
Sojourner
I just want to thank you for putting this into words. You cannot believe how much I am struggling with this one right now (and to be truthful, i am always struggling with this one). Yeah, it feels by not bringing up the subject and by just having a lunch together where we talk about other things, i feel like he will think his life is normal, that there is no problem here, that he will just live to a ripe-old age of 90 and be totally clueless. I compare that to going to a doctor who sees a lump on my leg, brings it up once or twice, then never brings it up again whenever I go for an office visit in spite of the fact that it continues to grow larger and larger. Is the doctor waiting for my Higher Power to lead me to treatment apart from him because that is the best way? What kind of a doctor would do that? What kind of a parent am I to do that? My son is committing slow suicide, and the thing required of me is to stand back, let him be, and give it over to a silent, invisible Higher Power. Okay, this has turned into a rant for me. I know better. There are other angles to this that I'm not focusing on. I guess my task for today is to not focus on my frustrations and fears but instead on our Higher Power's power.
Anyway, for someone who thinks she does not do well in communicating with others, you sure did a great job putting this aspect of dealing with detachment into words.
Again, thanks. This has helped me bring this topic up to the outer aspects of my thought process where I can deal with it successfully..
Sojourner
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Wow..great post! First off congrats on focusing on yourself and your own issues which you have control over!2nd, Alanon is the most accepting place I have ever been and lots of people are there for their siblings. You can just go, you will be expected to introduce yourself, but beyond that ....no requirements.
3rd, I am just coming to accept that constantly talking to my daughter about her getting better only drives a wedge between us. She, and I'm guessing your sister, knows perfectly well that we are not ok with her addiction.However, constantly harrassing someone about it leaves no room for any relationship NOW.
I could definately stand to lose weight..I know this. If I had someone who told me every time I saw them that I was fat,killing myself, and really needed to lose weight, I personally would not find this helpful.
The boundaries you have set sound really healthy and appropriate. All you can do is be an example of good health and maybe your sister will want that for herself one day.
3rd, I am just coming to accept that constantly talking to my daughter about her getting better only drives a wedge between us. She, and I'm guessing your sister, knows perfectly well that we are not ok with her addiction.However, constantly harrassing someone about it leaves no room for any relationship NOW.
I could definately stand to lose weight..I know this. If I had someone who told me every time I saw them that I was fat,killing myself, and really needed to lose weight, I personally would not find this helpful.
The boundaries you have set sound really healthy and appropriate. All you can do is be an example of good health and maybe your sister will want that for herself one day.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I had horrible social anxiety when I first got clean/sober.
The funny thing about that was through a 12-step program, and learning to get outside of my comfort zone, my social anxiety dissipated.
My 32 year old AD has social anxiety too. Her solution is to eat Xanax for it.
She is my daughter, and I will always love her, but I would have no contact with her at all if it weren't for my 14 year old granddaughter living with her now.
The funny thing about that was through a 12-step program, and learning to get outside of my comfort zone, my social anxiety dissipated.
My 32 year old AD has social anxiety too. Her solution is to eat Xanax for it.
She is my daughter, and I will always love her, but I would have no contact with her at all if it weren't for my 14 year old granddaughter living with her now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 30
Cynical one, good point. I thought about why I used the word "shame" because I that's not what I WANT to accomplish but I think that's all it's really doing. She knows she's screwing up and I'm rubbing her nose in it. On the other hand I understand Sojourner's side in that what I see is a gun to her head and it's insane to not want to say "Hey sis, why don't you put that down". It's right in my face and I want to confront it every time I see it. It's been a lot of crazy emotions and a lot of what I want to say and accomplish vs. what I'm actually saying and accomplishing. I'm learning when to just shut up and enjoy the moment.
Keepinon, you hit a sensitive spot! I took my son to the doctor today and his doctor told me basically I needed to lose weight to be a role model for my son who's weight is in the upper limit. He was very kind about it but hearing it cut me and to be honest, made me want to go home and grab some ice cream. I bet it does the same thing to Sis. Again, shame is not a very good motivator.
Thank you all for the encouragement. I've brought up going to meetings with my mother but she's hesitant. I'm preparing myself to go alone because I think it would help. I've minimized and I've stuffed and I've tried to rush myself through the emotions and it isn't working.
Keepinon, you hit a sensitive spot! I took my son to the doctor today and his doctor told me basically I needed to lose weight to be a role model for my son who's weight is in the upper limit. He was very kind about it but hearing it cut me and to be honest, made me want to go home and grab some ice cream. I bet it does the same thing to Sis. Again, shame is not a very good motivator.
Thank you all for the encouragement. I've brought up going to meetings with my mother but she's hesitant. I'm preparing myself to go alone because I think it would help. I've minimized and I've stuffed and I've tried to rush myself through the emotions and it isn't working.
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