hopeful4

Good afternoon. Here is the situation. My husband is a recovering alcoholic and has been clean for three months. Right before he went to rehab he got into some trouble w/the law and has court on Friday. I have not accompanied him to his court dates in the past (two) but am going for this one. He does already have in writing from his attorney the plea bargain what is agreed on and that is what will happen. His court day was to be in June but was postponed to 7-2.

Before it was postponed we made plans to go to the lake w/my family. There will be lots of people there, and to be fair, some of them may be drinking. Not alot, but someone may have a beer. (not necessarily our family but some friends of my sister's inlaws are coming who dont even know us). I am very excited to go as are my children. Actually, one of my girls is already there w/her aunt.

The day got changed to 7-2 and my husband decided he is not ready to go to court that day then go to the lake for the weekend. That is fine and understandable to me, however I am still planning on going. He is not making a huge deal about it, but has said several little things to let me know he does not think I should go.

I guess here lies my frustrations. Why should everything in my life have to change because of this?? I want to go spend time w/my family and friends. I want to take my kids on this trip (we had told them earlier this year we would take them on a big vacation this year but since this has happend and cost of thousands, we can no longer afford to go, so this is their trip).
I guess I just think if it were me I would be saying "Go Go..have fun" but he has to make me feel bad. I am sure it is me too as I do feel bad, but I dont want to stay home and moap around the house because of his huge guilt and frustration over what he has done. I am by nature a social person and I dont think I should have to become someone else because my husband never wants to go anywhere anymore. I dont mean drinking establishments, but no where. He does not want to leave the house. I cannot live that way.

MsPINKAcres

((hopeful))

A lesson I learned in Al-Anon - I am not responsible for someone's reactions to my SELF-CARE.

If I am making a decision to do something that is Healthy for me, that is not vindictive, spiteful or a decision made out of anger - how other people react to it is NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

I can choose to ignore their reactions, comments and go on and enjoy my life.

You are not responsible for HIS happiness!!

Keep taking good care of YOU!!!

HUGS (hope, unity, gratitude & serenity)

Rita

fourmaggie

GOSH Rita, you are so rite about this one...my mom, with us kids, did alot of stuff ALOT, without my dad..good memories...but that is my dads choice not to come......

hello-kitty

He is free to stay home from the lake. You are free to go to the lake. He is free to try to manipulate you into staying home with him. You are still free to go lake.

In my book he's acting like a cry baby peepee pants. :-) Not your problem. That's something he'll HOPEFULLY learn how to deal with in recovery. It doesn't sound like he's very far along in it yet... but IF you don't give into his demands, you will help him learn.

Setting boundaries is very important. I think you are on the right track.

He'll get over it. Or not. That's his problem. He owns his own happiness. Not yours.

keepinon

Crybabypeepeepants! Made my morning!haha That is truly calling it like u see it! I agree..go to the lake!He got himself in this mess, part of recovery is dealing with the consequences. Why should you or your kids have to suffer anymore. I applaud you for your healthy instincts..being around supportive people, having fun, focusing on what your kids need.

MsPINKAcres

:rotfxko
I laughed OUT loud at my desk at work when I read this!!!!!

that phrase could have described my exAH several times when he didn't like my Self-care~

I love this place!!

Hopeful - praying you have a great time this weekend - NO Matter what you decide to do!!

HUGS,
Rita

sunnygirl68

It is just a manipulation tatic to put all the focus on himself! My ex used to make me feel guilty for doing things with the kids WHILE he was locked up and couldnt go too! How stupid was I for holding back from living my life just because he made the choices that took him out of the loop. Just as he had choices, you have a choice whether or not to go as well.

tjp613

I'm sitting here thinking, "How long have you and your girls been focused on him, his needs, his behavior, his choices? If you are ALL in recovery now then this is a no-brainer." Yep, it's time to put on his big boy pants and it's time that you and your girls go have some dang fun.

wicked

Exactly!
big boy pants.
hehehehe
yeah, that makes me giggle.

URMYEVERYTHING

He marches to the beat of his own drum and so should you. You know that when you go you aren't doing anything unhealthy and that it helps you. Leave the moper at home and enjoy yourself.

hopeful4

Thank you for the insight everyone!

I DID GO...and I had a blast. It was great to spend time with everyone and I know my girls will remember this time for a long time to come. I do think he regrets that he did not go as I sort of rubbed it in that we had a great time...not alot, but enough to let him know that none of his guilting held me back from having fun.

It is so nice that I have other people to bounce things off of, thank you all so much. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday also.

God Bless!
Nicky

ps...Pee Pee Pants...that is some funny stuff!

coffeedrinker

I am SO glad you went, and that you had a great time, and also built some positive, loving memories for the kids.

I want to add (to the earlier discussion) that his not making too huge a deal out of it, but saying little things, indicates to me that he has not acquired the ability to effectively communicate.

I would also suggest that your notion of "helping" him to understand that you had a great time, might be a little of the same thing (although I do completely understand it!!)

Do you have "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie?
If so, read the June 1 entry.
If not, buy it; it's a great daily book.

Again, most happy that you went, and had a great weekend.

hopeful4

Thank you Coffeedrinker, you are correct. I know I have a huge hurdle in our relationship and it is not just his drinking issues. We have not communicated well in so long that I wonder if it is ever going to work. I let it all out last night, how I feel about everything. Of course, he did not say that much in return, but I do think alot of it hit home. He is obviously still upset that I went and that I want to spend time with others (I believe he is jealous), but I think I made him realize last night WHY I have to do that and that I will.

I explained that I am not his mother, not in charge of his recovery and that I have formed boundaries that I will stick to. I also told him that if those things are not something he can handle he will have to find someone else. I was surprised when that came out, but that is how I feel. For once in our relationship, I am worrying about myself before him and he does not know what to do or think about that. Oddly, I don't care what he thinks about it. My counselor tells me I possibly going too far with the detachment, so I am trying to find a middle ground, it is just really really hard to do. I get so tired of working on this so hard. It wears me out mentally. I know I have to do it, but I am tired. Is it healthy for someone to need you that much???

Thank you again for listening and for your input. God Bless!

Nicky

keepinon

obviously not healthy for someone to need you that much unless they are under the age of 12 and you gave birth to them! What I kept thinking as I read your last post (besides how great you r doing holding boundaries) is how shocked your husband must be. He's probably used to having you do everything for him, put his needs first, cave in if he demands or pouts. His jaw is probably hitting the floor when he hears you now, and just like a kid, he will probably test your boundaries to make sure you are for real. You are just gonna have to prove that you now say what you mean and mean what you say. Just like he has to prove that to you........

hopeful4

You are right for sure! I could tell last night what a shock this all was for him, and I am trying to keep my boundaries yet still be kind about it all (Counselor talk...LOL)! I even said the same thing, that I did not give birth to him but have done the disservice of mothering him for all of these years and that it is not fair to myself or to him. I guess he will choose, step up, man up or run off and find someone else who will mother him (not that I think that would happen, but he has surprised me before)! Either way, I will know I am doing the right thing for myself and for my children. I will never be an enabler or a mother to anyone besides my children ever again!

Thank you for saying I am doing well. I think I am and I feel myself being stronger, but I am human and falter and question myself all the time.

Thank you again and God Bless!

Nicky