Nerdgirl

So, my husband let my FIL manipulate him into going to dinner with the addicts while I stayed home with the kids.

While my husband was at dinner he was needled and berated for not bringing my kids and DH responded with something like "Do you really want to hash this our now?" then FIL sort of backed down. I'm angry that FIL manipulated my husband, but I'm grateful that my husband was strong enough to keep the kids out of that situation. Baby steps, I constantly tell myself that it's going to be much harder for my husband to stand up to his father than it is for me to do so.

In any event, I was so resentful towards both my FIL and DH, that I was contemplating a major confrontation with my husband. I reconsidered in favor of something like "What do you think about what transpired between you and your father?" which was a much more productive sane approach. DH was unhappy with being manipulated and said that he would go to great lengths to not spend time with addicts in active addiction. DH also suggested that we travel during major holidays so that the idea of a family get together would be physically impossible.

I keep coming back to this because it would appear that my fears are justified - my FIL was successful in manipulating my husband into going from no contact to a dinner, the next logical step would be for my FIL to continue his coercion of my husband until my kids are in the same room as the felonious drug addicted BIL and SIL. If this happens I keep thinking that I may have to take the kids and move out of the family home. I love my husband, but not enough to risk my kids' safety.

Thanks again to my SR friends for letting me share.

Freedom1990

I am glad you are being the voice for those children.

I know how hard it is to stand up to a parent, and for me, my father was the most difficult one to stand up to rather than my mother.

There have been several times I went completely no contact with my parents for my own sanity.

I refuse to let my father's anger intimidate me anymore.

You're doing great in your recovery, gal!

BBD

Your doing fine hon. Your taking care of you and the kids. Keep it simple with your hubby. He knows where you stand and maybe it will just take a while before he puts distance between him and his dad.......hugs, Bonnie

coffeedrinker

I would have been upset too. Understand, as hard as it is because this manipulation is part of a long history between these two men, that one cannot be manipulated without giving their permission. It took me YEARS to even recognize when it was happening, then more time before I felt fully empowered and ready to not give in to it. Still, as I see it, the blame for this situation lies with both of them. Might be a starting point to freedom.

MsPINKAcres

((nerdgirl))

congrats on taking a non-confrontational outlook with your husband - I'm sure he wants the best for the kids too. As an adult child of an alcoholic parent and a RAGEaholic parent - I still have difficulty setting & keeping boundaries with my parents and I have almost SEVEN years of recovery - lol

I think your husband and you giving that united front against his dad and other family members will help keep your boundaries and kids safe & secure!!

Prayers that as time goes on both of you continue to grow in your recovery and strength against this cunning, baffling and powerful disease.

HUGS,
Rita

dollydo

I do think that parents can be guilt factories!

With that said, I do not think that your hubby did that bad, don't forget, he is learning too.

My exh, would have suffocated if either his mother or dad stopped short, it was my decision to not be a part of their manipulation, so, he went to visit them on his own, to their territory, not mine. Worked fine for me, as the years passed, he woke up and backed off himself.

Family dynamics are tough to crack, sometimes it's best to just sit back and let the chips fall where they may.

Set your bounderies for your space, stick to them and go forward.