I was triggered

Old 07-01-2010, 09:19 AM
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Originally Posted by Hammerhead View Post
I'm looking at this from a different perspective...

for me... two things popped out...

#1... "Pretty immediate click"... if this happens to me again... I'm running the opposite direction.

#2... if we're still having codie reactions... is it wise to get involved?

I certainly don't want to be a downer... it just seems that if it's important for the alcoholic/addict to not get involved in a relationship early in recovery... shouldn't the same apply to codies?

If we have these triggers... they are indicators that we are not well yet.

Don't get me wrong... I'm all for rainbows, moving on and happy endings... for me... right now if anything breathes on one of my triggers... and it goes off... it reminds me I have a ton of work left to do... on me.

I'm in agreement on all of this.

I haven't a 'click' from anyone in years, and yes, I have done some dating. I considered the absence of a click good. That was completely foreign to me until a lot of work was done on self.

The 'uber communicators' jumped out at me too. Tons of texts/emails/phone calls would be a huge red flag for me personally if I was engaging with someone in that way, especially being just a week and a half into knowing each other. That would indicate to me that I was still trying to fill a hole within that I hadn't yet learned to fill myself.

When I finally started dating again, I had no desire for mass communication. There were no 3 hour phone calls. I was glad to come home at the end of the date, and didn't give it a second thought.

I had finally come to a place in my recovery where I didn't need outside validation. My dates were no more significant in my life than going to work each day, or shopping for groceries. Of course I enjoyed being taken out for supper and a movie, but when it was over at the end of the day, that was that!

I never understood what balance or being healthy was in a relationship until I made a firm commitment to leave men alone and do some long-term and hard work internally.
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Old 07-01-2010, 09:27 AM
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Originally Posted by Japic05 View Post
I once heard an Al-Anon speaker say that her "knee-jerk" reactions would probably never go away but thru the loving healing of her HP and recovery - She has now has the

A Trigger occurs ~ knee jerk THOUGHTS pop in her head then quickly RECOVERY thoughts tell her she doesn't have to respond in the same way which keep her from acting out those "reactions"

Keeping my focus on self-care, recovery and my HP - help me when my triggers set off those Knee jerk thoughts/reactions and then I have the ability to make the choice to do something different because I WANT something different.

HUGS,
Rita
Yes... I think there will always be triggers. Ultimately it IS a matter of how we RESPOND and CHOOSE to do differently. Thank you!

Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
I'm in agreement on all of this.

I haven't a 'click' from anyone in years, and yes, I have done some dating. I considered the absence of a click good. That was completely foreign to me until a lot of work was done on self.

The 'uber communicators' jumped out at me too. Tons of texts/emails/phone calls would be a huge red flag for me personally if I was engaging with someone in that way, especially being just a week and a half into knowing each other. That would indicate to me that I was still trying to fill a hole within that I hadn't yet learned to fill myself.

When I finally started dating again, I had no desire for mass communication. There were no 3 hour phone calls. I was glad to come home at the end of the date, and didn't give it a second thought.

I had finally come to a place in my recovery where I didn't need outside validation. My dates were no more significant in my life than going to work each day, or shopping for groceries. Of course I enjoyed being taken out for supper and a movie, but when it was over at the end of the day, that was that!

I never understood what balance or being healthy was in a relationship until I made a firm commitment to leave men alone and do some long-term and hard work internally.
Exactly for me too... I do hope at some point that a significant other (for me) would be more than just being a second thought.... I suppose the hard work is that they don't become our FIRST and ONLY thought

Now if Robert Plant was in the mix... I might have to reconsider :rotfxko
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Old 07-01-2010, 06:16 PM
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Originally Posted by Hammerhead View Post
Now if Robert Plant was in the mix... I might have to reconsider :rotfxko
I might have to fight you over that one!
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Old 07-01-2010, 08:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Hammerhead View Post
#1... "Pretty immediate click"... if this happens to me again... I'm running the opposite direction.

#2... if we're still having codie reactions... is it wise to get involved?

I certainly don't want to be a downer... it just seems that if it's important for the alcoholic/addict to not get involved in a relationship early in recovery... shouldn't the same apply to codies?

If we have these triggers... they are indicators that we are not well yet.

Don't get me wrong... I'm all for rainbows, moving on and happy endings... for me... right now if anything breathes on one of my triggers... and it goes off... it reminds me I have a ton of work left to do... on me.
Thanks, Hammer.

I too thought about the "click" and really analyzed what that might mean. I almost didn't write it, but trying to be brutally honest in this forum.

#2 : don't know. Just don't know.
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Old 07-01-2010, 08:38 PM
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Originally Posted by coffeedrinker View Post
Thanks, Hammer.

I too thought about the "click" and really analyzed what that might mean. I almost didn't write it, but trying to be brutally honest in this forum.

#2 : don't know. Just don't know.
Ya know I don't think there are any "exact" right or wrong answers... but we do have the answers within us... with HP help... we can work through them to resolve the triggers.

I'm with you on wanting to move on... but for me... if I was being triggered that quickly that soon into a casual relationship... that for me would be a red flag.

Some triggers can be complex... multi layered...

#1) We are dealing with major fall out issues... having dealt with our toxic relationships...

#2) How we view the world... how we were taught to see the world.


I don't know... but I get the feeling that the symptoms you were having may relate to #1.

Don't get me wrong... both #1 and #2 require work on our part... but it may bring us closer to identifying the source of our trigger.

I hope this makes sense.
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Old 07-02-2010, 04:23 AM
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I think I know the source of the trigger.

*Seeing someone I already know I like.

*Watching behaviors and starting to develop TRUST

*Wondering if - maybe - this will turn out to be my next significant relationship

*Having intermittent communication, building a rapport and TRUST

*Feeling alternately hopeful and AFRAID

*Receive a NO REPLY, shoots me right back to all the times of the NO REPLY from xabf:
SCARED, SCARED, SCARED. "When a man does this, it means he is not trustworthy, it means he is lying to me about who he is, it means I can't trust him"


Now I know that dialogue is not logical, not true even, but I was trying to recall what the feelings that were conjured up were.

It's funny, I would never use such a term like PTSD about myself -- it would almost seem like I'm not taking seriously the very real syndrome that people who have been severely affected go through. But it's like I had this mini-attack of it the other day, it was SO flippin powerful and SO unavoidable.
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Old 07-02-2010, 06:25 AM
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Coffee... I'm not picking on you... rather I see me and my past behaviors in your story... so I guess you could say I'm having codie-codie triggers

When you said

"I met "someone" a week and a half ago. Pretty immediate click with this man, we spent three hours talking instead of the usualy 1 - 2, and ended our evening with a really nice stroll through the park.

*Seeing someone I already know I like.
Ok... I understand attraction... 3 hours of together time does not constitute a foundation for a relationship... you only gave him 1 hour more than the norm... it is the beginnings of the possibility of a foundation for a relationship...

1 hour more than the usual and all the sudden it has value? I've spent longer time on the phone with someone in India trying to fix my computer...

The point I'm trying to make... it seems your reaction far outweighted the activity and time spent (3 hours physical + phone calls,etc.) toward having a healthy relationship.

You have already "assigned" a value to this person... don't misunderstand me... we all have value... but you perhaps have given him a boyfriend type mantle to wear... and you've only known him for a week and a half!

Time is telling about another persons values and integrity... not quantity.


So, really trying to not go into fantasy land about a potential future relationship, trying to do what I'm supposed to do, but dang, it's hard.

*Wondering if - maybe - this will turn out to be my next significant relationship
Time will tell if he is worthy of your new found standards... remember... the relationships that we've had that have failed... we had our part in that too... it's now our job to figure out what WE did to contribute to that failure... if it means we disregarded red flags... it's up to us to fix us... so we don't repeat the storyline with a new person.

There has been a lot of contact in that first week and a half. A ton of emails, texts, and phone calls. We both seem to be uber-communicators, and like the written word."

*Having intermittent communication, building a rapport and TRUST
You literally only have a week and a half of history with this individual... you don't know him... yet you have already (knowingly or unknowingly) placed your 'well-being' in his care... what's the rush? If it seems soooo good... take your time... get to know him... make him show you that its you he would like to spend time with and I don't mean quantity... I'm talking quality.

*Receive a NO REPLY, shoots me right back to all the times of the NO REPLY from xabf:

SCARED, SCARED, SCARED. "When a man does this, it means he is not trustworthy, it means he is lying to me about who he is, it means I can't trust him"
You have only been in contact with this guy for a week and a half? If your triggers are already raging with "Scared, scared, scared".... you have internal work to do... your internal foundation needs to be fixed before you try and contribute to a combined foundation....

I hope that makes sense.

Kelsey Grammar from "Fraiser"... has an excellent biography... I listened to the audio version... he was a raging alcoholic and addict... when he met "the one" he told her... I've got to fix me first... I hope you're available in the future.... and he walked away from her that night.... he treasured her so much that he sacrificed immediate gratification for a sense of long-term purpose... he did go and get help and they did eventually get together.... but he knew he didn't want to screw this one up....

((hugs))
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Old 07-02-2010, 07:32 AM
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Hammer,

The story about Kelsey Grammar carries much weight. I, too, don't want to screw not only this potential friendship up, but any of my future friendships up, with my own craziness.

Yes, I have had a part. I know that very well, and I'm proud of myself for shifting all the blame for past failed relationships from him and assigning me my fair share.

I'm not thinkin that this guy is "the one". I just know that, one day in my future, a "one" WILL show up. It seems out of the probable statistics that this one is it, just from a purely mathematical standpoint. My therapist says that may or may not ring true; it's not relevant. But, with each first meeting - of ANYONE in our lives - we may possibly be meeting someone who turns out to be someone significant. My musings are really just that. I think. I hope.

I am most definitely watching behaviors and looking for flags. I was on such high alert that I was making myself nuts with it one week ago, and now am relaxing and enjoying, AND being cautious. And we have seen each other four times now, but at the time of the O.P. it had been three times.
One thing I will not do, is go into the bedroom, with this or any other guy, in a short time span of meeting. That really messes with your rational thinking.

Thank you for the dialogue, Hammer. You're helping me so much.
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Old 07-02-2010, 11:46 AM
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Originally Posted by coffeedrinker View Post
Hammer,

The story about Kelsey Grammar carries much weight. I, too, don't want to screw not only this potential friendship up, but any of my future friendships up, with my own craziness.

Yes, I have had a part. I know that very well, and I'm proud of myself for shifting all the blame for past failed relationships from him and assigning me my fair share.

I'm not thinkin that this guy is "the one". I just know that, one day in my future, a "one" WILL show up. It seems out of the probable statistics that this one is it, just from a purely mathematical standpoint. My therapist says that may or may not ring true; it's not relevant. But, with each first meeting - of ANYONE in our lives - we may possibly be meeting someone who turns out to be someone significant. My musings are really just that. I think. I hope.

I am most definitely watching behaviors and looking for flags. I was on such high alert that I was making myself nuts with it one week ago, and now am relaxing and enjoying, AND being cautious. And we have seen each other four times now, but at the time of the O.P. it had been three times.
One thing I will not do, is go into the bedroom, with this or any other guy, in a short time span of meeting. That really messes with your rational thinking.

Thank you for the dialogue, Hammer. You're helping me so much.
I also appreciate the dialogue... it helps me too.

I also have contributed to several failures.... and it was painful for me finally see it...even worse... to acknowledge it. The acknowledgment has made and continues to make me a better person...the quality of my everyday life has improved dramatically.... and IF the possibility of a future relationship appears... I can survey the landscape... checking if the ground is solid or quicksand. In the meantime I will continue to work on me

I've always enjoyed the book "The Southern Rules"... if for nothing else... it helps YOU set high standards for YOU.



((hugs))
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Old 07-02-2010, 12:05 PM
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coffee and everyone, I want you to know that you've helped another person with this topic. My cousin had a similar situation yesterday and it caused her a great amount of anxiety. I asked her if she was putting the cart before the horse and if she's made it to the place where she's fulfilling all her own needs first. She cried and couldn't hardly talk when she realized the answer was no, but she also regained her sanity and serenity. I was reading all the comments here when I was talking with her. Thank you for helping me help her
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Old 07-02-2010, 12:54 PM
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I forgot to mention she has PTSD too, and has been surrounded by toxic relationships since the womb. She's a beautiful lady with a beautiful heart, and working through a tremendous amount of pain. That she's able and willing, everyone here, inspires me to keep doing the same. We're all pretty awesome
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Old 07-02-2010, 01:50 PM
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do you come away feeling more YOU......or more THEM?
Wow, you just hit one out of the ballpark.

My therapist uses a mirror as an example and for good reason.
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Old 07-02-2010, 02:10 PM
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Anvil,

Great insight, and such good things to ponder. I will think on it.

One thing that did come to mind, was this:
After seeing each other TWO TIMES, he invited me over for breakfast. Said, "come on over. I'll cook for you." I said, "ugh, I just walked out of the gym, I haven't showered, my clothes are fright, and never mind the no make-up, I didn't even comb by hair. Just rolled outta bed and left the house." His reply, "I like Mary Ann more than Ginger" talked me into it. I put on mascara with xabf for two or three years. I mean, I went to sleep w/out washing my face, so that I would wake up with my eyelashes enhanced. I was always wanting to look fetching...to him...never was sure if I was since I would never hear about it.

I feel extremely at ease, willing to disagree, not all flirty and girly (although there is certainly an element of that; I am a girl after all).

Another observation that occured to me yesterday was that I am not all "Ooh I miss you already I almost cant wait to see you again" when it's been a day or two or three, but when I hear the sound of this gentle man's voice, it is then I want to connect. I'm not exactly sure why, maybe cuz we have really great conversations.
I like what you have said.
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Old 07-02-2010, 06:50 PM
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COFFEE- I am so feeling you on this one sister....so glad you posted this one.

and ANVIL-as you assess any new persons that come in to your life, do you feel enhanced empowered, enriched? do they gas up your tank, or deflate the tires? do you come away feeling more YOU......or more THEM?

I will remember that one forever. Thank you!!!!!!!!
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Old 08-03-2010, 09:32 PM
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I am working, guys. I feel freedom slowly coming, like it's seeping into me.

Decide every once in awhile to read old posts, and this one I have come back to several times.

I wanted to update a tiny bit:

N.L.I. and I are able dialogue about my "need" to look into the future, and to project, and my tendency to overthink. Right now we both know that my job is to let go of outcomes. My spiritual growth depends on it. He said "let me be your beta test on this. Personally, Romantically, Sexually - the whole nine yards".

I made a goal at the beginning of the summer, to finish my 4th step by end of August. In two days I go on a family camping trip - the thing I look most forward to every year. I am bringing the Al-anon 4th Step Workbook and forcing myself to make good on my promise to myself. I'm afraid and excited.

It has been over six weeks since the first date with N.L.I. Not a lot of time, but in that time I have seen a little spot of crabby, a bit of stress periodically - all good things to observe in a potential partner/friend. But most importantly, a history has begun. Two times a date involved meeting other people - important people (in my life) had been scheduled. Both times I was nervous that he would bail. The morning of the second one, an important family wedding, I did not receive a reply to a "good morning" text message. Sometimes texts don't get received. So after a few hours, I made a phone call. Left a message. Just said, "wondering how you're doing today". After two hours I am not quite panicking yet, but getting somewhat sure that there's something wrong and he will let me down....not only will he not come to the wedding, but maybe he won't even tell me he's not coming. FINALLY, I get a call. He had met an out-of-town relative, then golfed 18 holes. Ugh. Me. Dumb again. He said, "you didn't sound so great in the message you left; you ok?"

But here is the point:
as we build this history, each time that he follows through, each period of hours, days or weeks that he has done what he says he'll do, and has not disappeared on me, trust is building. I know that I have a ways to go - as anyone who doesn't know someone really well has - until complete trust is established.
But I am now pretty sure that what I suspected at the time of the original post - that my reaction is really all about what had been done to me in the past - is true. It feels crappy because someone's treatment of me has done this to me, but it also feels good to know that it's NOT because I have this really great radar that's telling me this man is also a selfish jerk addict.

It's like shrapnel. Still in there. Still hurts. Still causing trouble.
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Old 08-03-2010, 09:51 PM
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This is giving you an opportunity to work it through and re-write some of those old tapes.

I tend to agree with your therapist...let yourself have fun. If it isn't fun, then stop it.
Your dating...not living together or married....it doesn't need to carry the weight of the world.
People...all people make mistakes and it is okay.
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