katie53

My ad is in jail and leaves for rehab in a month. This has been a cycle. 2 yrs ago i went to al-anon. I had gotten so consumed in her world that it was destroying me. With this site and al-anon I was able to start living Now I have these feelings that I don't know what to do with. I get the letters with the words I have heard many times before (jail talk). For the last 2 yrs. I have not ever told her my feelings about her addiction. I guess I felt "what for?" but now I feel it's my turn. I would like to write her back and tell her exactly what this crack has done to others , that it isn't ALL about her. She even said "maybe we could go to counseling together" so we could have a better relationship" My thoughts? How do you have a good relationship with someone who has been in and out of drugs for 22 yrs.? She will tell others "we never got along". When she was a teen, my car was stolen, house was trashed, money stolen, skipped school, ran away, even told me she made pact with herself to get into as much trouble as possible becouse she was mad at me for going to a friends shower when she wanted me to stay home. now I would like to write back and tell her my side. Is it worth it?

Ann

Katie, it may help to just get it all out in a letter, every word, every feeling and all the sadness and pain you can put into words...and then burn the letter and give your pain to the universe.

I have done that a couple of times, and it always helped me work though it and let it go.

Your daughter is a sick lady, who up until now has been incapable of healthy behaviour, words or thoughts. It's what addiction does to people we love. It causes great pain to try to get from someone that which they do not have to give.

Rehab may help her find a better path, counseling may help you both find some common ground where you can have a healthy relationship.

A relationship where she tells you how much you have hurt her (justified or not) and where you reply telling her how much she has hurt you (justified or not)...is a toxic relationship that will keep you both sick.

So write that letter, and then maybe write another telling her how much you love her...in spite of all that has happened. That may be the letter to consider mailing?

Keeping you and your daughter in my prayers.

Hugs

ladyhawk69

Ann, you always have such a beautiful and wise perspective. Burning the letter and releasing pain to the universe is not only smart, but poetic!

newnormal4me

I have written lots of letters to AH that are in my journal - just never tore them out to give to him. I think it helps a lot to release feelings and whatnot on paper regardless - it is cathartic. And you can always give it to the person if a time ever comes. It is incredible how our pain seems to never get factored in from their perspective. It hurts so much...I guess they may never know. Take care.

tjp613

Ann, if that is the case (that it is better to just release it to the Universe), then why do you suppose addiction counselors recommend that we be very clear with our addicts to let them know how their choices have affected our lives, albeit in a gentle and factual way? Isn't that part of holding them accountable?

BBD

Hi Katie, Nice to see you but the circumstances are sad. At one point in my sons addiction I did write him a letter stating all my feelings and boundaries. Didn't mean squat!! Now that he has had 7 months clean we can talk about everything. Its so refreshing to see the life he is living now. So, I suggest writing that letter, tucking it away somewhere and maybe giving it to her when YOU see she is improving... Thats when the words will make sense to her. Big hugs and hang on~~

Chino

katie, all of her feelings are valid and real to her, just like yours are for you. When my daughter went to rehab I went to the family sessions, and the last one was face to face communication with our addicts. Just like with 12 step meetings, everyone got to say how they felt with no cross talk. All the other sessions lead up to that and the guidance from the counselors was invaluable.

My daughter also suggested counseling for both of us early in her sobriety, before rehab. It was a very bad idea because we both needed to do work individually. Now that we both work at keeping our own side of the street clean, we don't seem to need joint counseling.

Prayers for your family, and that this is your daughter's time to truly live

katie53

thanks for your help. I did write but tucked it away. She has been in jail for 21/2 months now and I just thought maybe her mind would be clear enough to let her know my feelings. I will admit it helped alot to write it down. all 6 pages!! Truth is I could have kept on going, it would never end. After about 4 pages I just felt I was babbling!!!

Impurrfect

(((Katie))) I spent almost 6 months in custody, the better part of a year clean, but I wasn't in recovery. Dad and I DID talk and he DID tell me how he felt, and I DID feel bad. However, it wasn't until after my relapse and when I embraced recovery, that we REALLY began the relationship we have now.

All of this took time, and my growing in recovery. I don't go to meetings, or exactly "work the steps", but I've been to AA in the past, and as a friend who also went to AA in her past, we can see where many of our actions DO fit into the steps...we can see where our actions greatly go along with the 12-step approach. It wasn't until I had worked through and admitted my own stuf, and talked about it with a few dear friends who are recovering addicts, that I was truly ready to make amends.

I've said it before, but each year in recovery, I'm amazed at how much different, and better my life gets. I thought ONE year was great, and my relationship with dad was awesome...it didn't hold a candle to what it's like now, at 3+ years.

I didn't even START my addiction until my late 30's, never stole anything, and stayed away from my family when I was in the depths of my addiction, but it still took me quite a while to deal with my shame, remorse, etc. I can imagine it's going to take your daughter quite a while to face HER realities and deal with what she's done, too.

I agree with writing the letters and keeping them, journaling, or burning them. If she continues the road of recovery, there will come a time when you'll get to tell your side. I already KNEW a good part of the pain I'd caused, and I was even more aware because I've spent so much time on this forum, but I knew I'd "arrived" when dad and I could sit down and talk about how we each felt.

FWIW, to me, time in jail was "forced clean time". I THOUGHT it was enough to keep me clean, but it wasn't. Getting back out in the real world and staying clean was the REAL test. Dealing with all my feelings and knowing there was dope out there...that was when the real recovery work starts. I'm not saying this to bring you down, simply that she has a long way to go. She CAN do it, but as we always say...let her actions prove that she means what she says.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy