2yearsclean

Hi All,

Firstly, I am new to the forum and having spent a little time reading through your posts, I would like to thank you all for your incredible words and strength. You are all utterly inspirational.

I am a recovering addict of 2 years. My addict and I first met through our addictions 5 years ago, we moved in together after 2 weeks and spent 2 and a half years together. My own drug problems spiralled way ahead of his, and eventually he moved out while I got clean.

Since being clean, I have acheived so much - a strong circle of sober friends, an amazing career and a new sense of respect for myself. I am genuinely proud of my achievements and how far I have come - words I never, ever thought I'd be able to say and mean.

I love J (addict) with all my heart, and since separating to aid my recovery, we have been through what I am now realising is a very typical relationship cycle. He stays sober for months at a time, and our relationship blossoms. It feels so incredible to support eachother through sobriety, and we both start to feel like we really know eachother again, as ourselves and not just as addicts. He becomes enthusiastic, and excited about his and our future. He thrives in his career, and has this incredible passion and energy for everything around him. It's like he wakes up.

And then he uses. I know I have to protect myself, and I am strong enough to know that I don't NEED him to be with me and be sober for me to continue with my recovery. It just breaks my heart because these long stretches of his sobriety just offer this insight into what life could be like, but probably never will be for any sustainable period.

I'm sorry for the long post, I'm just looking to vent really.
Any comments would be greatly valued, I'm just so exhausted and tired. The last time he used was 2 weeks ago, and I have been out of contact with him directly since, while I gather my thoughts and try and figure out what I can do. Being apart from him is sheer torture.

Ann

Welcome to SR.

To answer your question, it usually ends when "we" reach our "enough" point. When we just cannot continue with things the way they are and when we accept that we cannot change another person, especially one who doesn't make strong effort to change themselves.

We try not to tell people whether to stay in or leave any relationship here, the choice is entirely yours and we will walk with you regardless of your choice. But we will share our own experience, strength and hope, and maybe it will help you see what you could have to look forward to.

Some addicts decide to get clean and do so, some struggle for years in the revolving door of addiction/recovery, and some die. Most get worse as time passes because addiction is a progressive disease. You have been through this and found a better path, so you know it is possible to find a good life again, without substances, and I congratulate you on your sobriety.

There are many double winners here, like yourself, who will be along to share their own ESH, and may help you see how it worked for them.

Again, welcome to SR.

Hugs

hello-kitty

(((hugs)))

Glad you found this website. I understand your pain. A lot of us do. Keep reading and posting. It will help.

It's an addiction. Only it's a person, not a drug. And when the pain caused by trying to live in a fantasy is more than the pain caused by accepting reality, you'll be able to start making wise choices for your future - and acting on them.

It sounds like you are on your way.

It's not easy. But it's worth it.

2yearsclean

Thank you for your kind replies.

It's just a story I'm sure you've all heard many times - I want to offer the love and support he needs, but can't do this at the expense of my own life and wellbeing. It feels unnatural and incredibly selfish to walk away.

He is so convincing when he asks for help, so genuine with his intentions of sobriety it feels like the person and the addiction are two separate entities.

I guess it's difficult for me because in some silly, childish way I can't help but think 'I did it, I'm doing it every day, I know it can be done - why can't you?'.

I'm lost without him, and have no idea whether there is hope for him (he genuinely seems to want recovery), or whether my own wishful thinking is actually just delusional.
I feel crazy, I just don't know where the line between offering support and becoming addicted to the person is.

Thank you so much for your offering your insights and perspectives.x

Nina Kay

I want to welcome you here too, 2yearsclean, & I think that your story is incredible. You sound very strong in your conviction to stay clean. I really wish my son, who is the addict in my life, would ever be able to do that. I still hope everyday, but I don't expect it to happen at all. If it ever does, I'll be very very pleasantly surprised. My son sounds alot like your boyfriend in that he is so convincing when he asks for help and it's so sad to remember that he never has followed through, so he more-than-likely won't this time either. He's just desperate for somewhere else to fall when he's lost his last crash pad. I so love him, but I know that the key to his recovery is in how much he decides to love himself. If he doesn't want it for himself enough to do whatever it takes and stick with it, then it just isn't going to be any different for any substantial length of time. You must know this because you had to decide that you wanted that change for yourself in such a way that you knew that you were the only one that could make that happen for yourself. And you did. And you do everyday, one day at a time or you won't keep your recovery, as you well know.
Well, I didn't mean for this to sound so preachy. Sorry. I really just wanted you to know that I understand how you feel, even though it's my son that's the addict, instead of being a boyfriend like your addict. I hope you'll keep coming back hear to share and to read others shares.

Impurrfect

((2years)) - I don't think it's childish to think "I did it, why can't you?" I'm an RA (recovering addict) and I feel the same way. I had to leave my XABF because he had NO intention of getting clean. He died this past Dec.

I don't know about you, but it wasn't really the "support" of anyone that got me clean. It was hitting bottom...getting locked up after being homeless, having no one give me a roof over my head, telling me "it will be okay", losing a nursing career, etc. Basically, I had to face some harsh consequences. You say he's asked for your help. Sweetie, you're an RA...if you could "help" him get clean, he'd already BE clean and stay that way...you know it doesn't work that way...he's got to want it more than he wants to use..plain and simple.

What incentive does he have to quit? Things are great when he's clean, he goes out and uses, but you let him come back once he cleans up again. I'm not trying to be harsh, but maybe if he didn't get the welcome mat out when he uses, he'd learn more about the consequences of using? I'm not saying even THAT will be enough to make him quit for good. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't.

Only you can make that decision. I'm also a recovering codie (codependent). I spent over 30 years in relationships with addicts/alcoholics...20+ with a man I thought I couldn't LIVE without. I didn't develop my own addiction until the last few years of these toxic relationships. In hindsight, I was every bit as addicted to THEM as I was to crack.

I've learned that if I feel like I can't LIVE without something, be it a drug or a man, it's unhealthy. When I first started coming to this forum and doing the things that were recommended to take care of me, it felt TOTALLY selfish and uncomfortable. However, I can tell you that my life is AMAZINGLY better today.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

fourmaggie

I guess it comes down to this...you need AL ANON or NAR ANON...stop enabling HIM...and do for your self...step #1.. we admit we are powerless over _____, that our lives have become unmanageable...