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Some insight please

Old 06-18-2010, 12:56 PM
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Restoring myself to sanity
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Some insight please

I have been on these boards for a few years now and here lately I have been lurking more then I have been posting.

I have been married to my AH for three years but it sure feels like it is a lot longer then that. In the three years that we have been married, I have endured prescription drug abuse, lies, infidelity, more lies, more drug abuse and the list goes on and on. About a year and a half ago I said enough and told my AH that if he did not get help that he would need to find someplace else to live. So my AH went on Suboxone and for a while was attending NA/AA meetings on a regular basis, had a sponsor and from the looks of things was really trying to make an effort and staying clean and working a program.

Fast Forward to today, AH is still on suboxone, attends a meeting about once every three weeks, has no sponsor and as far as I can tell is not even actively looking for one, he sleeps until 2 or 3 o'clock in the afternoon then gets up to go wait tables at a resturant where he brings home on average about 50.00 a night and is making no effort whatsover to better himself in any kind of way. Basically he is the same addict that he was two years ago only now I believe he is getting progressively worse. Bottom line, I can't live like this anymore.

Sunday Night I gave my AH an ultimatium. I told him that he had until December 31st to get his act together, meaning he gets off of the suboxone (we can no longer afford it anyway), works a strong program, gets up at normal hours, helps me around the house and gets a better job or at least makes strides to improve himself such as going back to school or learning a trade. He got really defensive about the suboxone and the sleeping all day which tells me he is in denial of the problem and is not willing the change. He has emptied the dishwashe for me once this week which is more then what he usually does but still.. he is almost 36 years old that is something he should be doing anyway.

I know I'm doing the right thing but why does it hurt so bad? Why do I feel guilty and why do I feel like I have failed him as a wife when it is the other way around because he has totally failed me as a husband. Kicking him out will be a huge strain on me financially but I know longer care about that, thats how I know that this relationship is just too painful to stay in.

Has anyone had any experiance with this or have any advice for me?
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Old 06-18-2010, 03:50 PM
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I agree that his share of responsibility isn't being met and that wouldn't be acceptable for me either.

He should consult with his doctor before stopping any medication, and act on his doctor's advice. But no matter how that unfolds, he should be capable of acting like a mature adult.

If not, you get to choose whether you can accept this behaviour or not. And yes, that's a tough decision to make, emotionally.

Good luck, hope something gets him moving.

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Old 06-18-2010, 04:59 PM
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Originally Posted by jerect View Post
I know I'm doing the right thing but why does it hurt so bad? Why do I feel guilty and why do I feel like I have failed him as a wife when it is the other way around because he has totally failed me as a husband. Kicking him out will be a huge strain on me financially but I know longer care about that, thats how I know that this relationship is just too painful to stay in.

Has anyone had any experiance with this or have any advice for me?
(((jerect))) I understand that hurt so well.....the pain of letting go of those hopes and dreams that things could work out; the fears and what-ifs; and watching and feeling helpless as you worry that your marriage is dying. At least, that's how I felt. About the feelings of guilt, remember, these are consequences of his actions, not yours. You are doing what you need to do for you. You have every right to expect him to be a contributing member of your marriage and as you know, you cannot control him or his actions. For a long time, not wanting to end my marriage held me back. I think part of it was the feeling of failure - never wanting to admit that I couldn't make my marriage work - and that I would have to start over again without a home. But, in the end it turned out that I had to walk that path.

I don't have any experience with suboxone and my situation was different but I will say that when I reached that point of it being too painful to stay that that is when I was able to start making changes in my own life. Yeah, it hurt, but it was not a choice so much anymore - it was more a necessity. That sounds like about where you are right now. Remember....you deserve just as much love and kindness and respect as you have given him, so treat yourself with the same kind of love that you've treated him: if you need to do this - trust yourself.

About the deadline - I made one too at one point. I told my husband he had x amount of time to do what he needed to do. But I was already at the point of leaving so it was more an excuse for me to buy time to get him out (or maybe hold on a little longer, who knows). Eventually, he did get clean, through his own actions - from hitting his bottom and getting back into NA. BUT.....I have to ask myself, was it worth it to be around him during that time? Not really. In the end, it just gave him more time to continue what he was doing. He got clean when he was ready, not when I was. Just food for thought.....

Hugs~
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Old 06-18-2010, 05:39 PM
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Originally Posted by jerect View Post
Kicking him out will be a huge strain on me financially but I know longer care about that, thats how I know that this relationship is just too painful to stay in.
My heart hurts for you, and I know about a relationship being too painful to stay in.

I had a roommate/BF of about 2 years and things got worse and worse. The sad thing was I kept putting off doing anything because we were living in a place that was affordable for two working adults, which we were.

When it blew, it blew bad, and I ended up hitting him in the face after he called me the 'c' word and I busted his glasses.

He was out of the house that night. I'm ashamed that I handled it the way that I did. All those months of anger, frustration, and pain absolutely spewed out of me in the worst way possible.

I ditto Anvil's sentiment of why give him till the end of the year?

I feel that's prolonging the inevitable, and he's proven he has no interest in bettering himself. He doesn't have to as long as he's in the current circumstances.

I'm sorry you're hurting, hon. :ghug3
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Old 06-19-2010, 09:51 AM
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Thank You guys : )

I don't know why I have given him 6 months, I think it's more for me to get my finances in order then for him. I have no hopes of him changing, if he was going to change he would have done so when he was working an active program. I'm enabling him by allowing him to stay.

Thanks for all the food for thought
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Old 06-19-2010, 01:41 PM
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I think 6 months is AMPLE time. You say you need the time to get your finances in order? Isn't he costing you more than he's helping you financially? Suboxone isn't cheap. I know what it feels like to endure years of this. I look back now and really struggle with disgust with myself for putting up with it so long. Giving him chance after chance, being lied to again and again and again. By giving him until dec 31, you're signing up for 6 more months of this. My guess is that the 'holidays' will roll around, you'll get sentimental and he'll be going nowhere. That's what it would be for me anyway.
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Old 06-20-2010, 02:27 AM
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jerect...sorry you're having to go through all this...I feel for you as I'm in the same position. I finally made the decision to leave because, for me, staying with my AH became too painful. Our house is up for sale...and my divorce will be final in July...no regrets! Thing is...as painful as it was to break-away from my addict...I needed to help myself...and my daughters. And it's still a struggle today even though I now live with my parents...which is why I need to work the steps...for myself. So whether he stays or leaves, it may not matter to your emotional well-being significantly... I've had to stay on this board...go to meetings...try to get better...because I was still obsessing, contemplating whether he's still using...how bad off he is... So I agree with setting a hard deadline...I also had to give myself a firm date...so I could wrap my mind and emotions around what I was going to do... But the holidays is a difficult time to "kick" someone out... That's the important thing, I think, if you say it, you have to mean it...and I had to make a date that I was comfortable with...so Memorial Weekend it was for me...!!!

All this to say, you have to do what's the best for YOU...so I would encourage meetings and finding what deadlines and arrangements you can live with...and then move forward...take those steps whether you want to or not...no second-guessing...because he may get sober, he may not...but you need to find a peace outside of him and where he is in his addiction...and the only way to do that is to focus on you!!!
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Old 06-20-2010, 03:43 AM
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Jeez by 19 yo nephew does more around the house, gets up early every day and makes more money than that. Are you sure of how much he makes or is this just how much he takes home?

I also think 6 months is a load of crap. However if you need to get your finances in order you can start immediately by not buying him anything. No suboxone, no food, nothing. Stop supporting his chosen lifestyle.
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Old 06-20-2010, 07:02 AM
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Originally Posted by dgillz View Post
Are you sure of how much he makes or is this just how much he takes home?

I also think 6 months is a load of crap. However if you need to get your finances in order you can start immediately by not buying him anything. No suboxone, no food, nothing. Stop supporting his chosen lifestyle.
Good question. I'm thinkin he might be only contributing what he thinks he can get away with.

Six months sounds like an awfully long time to be miserable. Just prolonging the agony.

Could you be working on getting things in order on the side, and just keep getting yourself ready emotionally to make this break? I actually think that giving so much lead time will really only backfire in some way.

Good luck to you, and keep posting. It helps.
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Old 06-20-2010, 12:37 PM
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I understand about wanting to give it 6 months to give yourself the time to get financially set up. It's important to have a plan and then hold yourself accountable so that in 6 months you're not giving it another six months.

I know because I have "6 monthed" myself to the nth degree. Nothing changes if nothing changes, huh? My problem has been that my husband has always done just barely enough to keep me hanging in there...never to the point where things are good - just to where they aren't "as bad".

Now, my new perspective is that in 6 months I will be happy/content/serene at least 75% of the time. Not with him but in my own self and being. How many times am I giving away my serenity? 6 months ago I said that I wanted that feeling at least 50% of the time (hey, when you start at 100% misery then 50% is way better). I am definitely hitting that 50% now so it's time to seek more. The focus is on me to do what it takes to make me happy rather than what my husband is or is not doing.

When my end goal is that I will be living happy, joyous, and free from emotional strife I leave the door open for whatever it is that is part of that. Maybe my husband is a part of that and maybe he isn't. It's just now that how he behaves isn't the end game in itself....it's me and how I am feeling. I have actually kept a diary so that I can hold myself accountable. It helps me to be proactive instead of this pleading and hurt woman that is constantly disappointed.

Things are not perfect by any means but I know that thinking of it in those terms has really helped me a lot. I'm not sure that I've explained it so well - hope that I am making some sense. The better I feel about me the less guilty I feel about him. I've made it clear that I would love to have him as a part of my life if it doesn't cost me my happiness, well being, and health. He is choosing whether he wants to be a part of my life or not - and I finally understand that that is my destiny and it is not dependent upon him.
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Old 06-20-2010, 04:47 PM
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I know because I have "6 monthed" myself to the nth degree. Nothing changes if nothing changes, huh? My problem has been that my husband has always done just barely enough to keep me hanging in there...never to the point where things are good - just to where they aren't "as bad".


I too have 6 monthed myself to death. I 6 monthed myself for years. Mine too threw me enough crumbs to leave me hanging for years. (prior to the last two years - I should say). He worked, did little around the house, started things ~ didn't finish them. Along the way I lowered my standards. If it's 6 months and you MEAN 6 months, it's a great plan, though I'd say is still too long. I'd be leery of the 6 months ending around a holiday though.
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Old 06-21-2010, 09:45 AM
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new s/r term?

six monthed ! I like it.
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Old 06-21-2010, 11:04 AM
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Originally Posted by Callie View Post
I know because I have "6 monthed" myself to the nth degree. Nothing changes if nothing changes, huh? My problem has been that my husband has always done just barely enough to keep me hanging in there...never to the point where things are good - just to where they aren't "as bad".


I too have 6 monthed myself to death. I 6 monthed myself for years. Mine too threw me enough crumbs to leave me hanging for years. (prior to the last two years - I should say). He worked, did little around the house, started things ~ didn't finish them. Along the way I lowered my standards. If it's 6 months and you MEAN 6 months, it's a great plan, though I'd say is still too long. I'd be leery of the 6 months ending around a holiday though.
I have thought about this too but being that it's December 31st, I figure January would be a great way to clean house. I'm not that into the holidays so I will have no problem telling him to leave. Though, if he keeps up what he's doing it will be a lot sooner then December.

Last night he came to me with tears in his eyes and told me that he loved me and that i was his heart. I told him that I loved him too but that I meant what I said about the suboxone, the meetings, the sleeping half the day and him needing to get a better job. He immeditely got on the defensive and accused me of being a controling manipulative person. He then told me that he was going to be gung ho about meetings and that he would prove me wrong. I just sighed and told him that actions speak louder then words.

Today he was still in bed asleep at 11:30 when I left for work. Guess, today is not the day he is going to get gung ho about his recovery. Oh he will go to a meeting tonight, the one he goes to occasionaly that he complains about incessently. He will go just to fool himself but not me.

The six months ulitimatium is more for me then him. I know he is not going to change. But in my heart I have to know that I gave him every chance to change.

Why do they tell us they love us the way he told me last night? In their own way do they love us or is it just said out of fear, manipulation and emotional blackmail?
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Old 06-21-2010, 11:17 AM
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Love is a verb, an action word.

We can speak the word all we want, but if the actions do not match, then it's just a word.

When I was active in my using/drinking, I did love my then only daughter in whatever small and dysfunctional way that I could.

Today I understand love in a whole different light.

I have loved, and still love her enough to let her go and let God do his work.

I think people often mistake need for love.

I certainly did for years.

How can he truly love you when he has no respect for himself?

How could I truly love anyone else when all those years I had nothing but hatred for myself?

People who respect themselves are those who fully participate in life and are accountable for their own actions.

I have no doubt in my mind that you are going to be okay, dear lady, and I am so glad you have started posting again.

I have missed reading you. :ghug3
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Old 06-21-2010, 11:46 AM
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The six months ulitimatium is more for me then him.
Good for you. I suggest making a list for yourself of everything YOU need to accomplish in the next six months. You'll feel oh so much better as you start crossing things off. And it will help you avoid getting lulled into complacency either.

Relentless. Forward. Motion. And you'll start picking up momentum.
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Old 06-21-2010, 06:25 PM
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Giving him 6 months should allow you plenty of time to get your finances in order, make a plan for your new life, so, that when "Dday" is upon you, you will be more than ready to move forward.

If you do not have a plan...you plan to fail...so plan and follow through!
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Old 06-22-2010, 07:25 AM
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Jerect,

You sound pretty sane to me. I wish I had been where you are six months ago - it would have helped to not prolong the agony I went through coming to terms with my xabf and exiting that relationship.

I am in the process of packing up a box of his things to drop off at his house. This is one of my "closure" steps -- it will contain important things, such as a photo album I made last winter, the slippers I gave him for his birthday that were left at my house, mementos, and copies of a BUNCH of letters he wrote me while in treatment several years ago. I making the copies I glanced at several lines from those letters. They were filled with hope, love, tenderness, awareness and ambition to get well.

This is what I have come to believe, about my addict:

He reached the place inside his heart. The place that holds love for the few people in his life he truly cares for. One of them is me. He reached that place, connected with it and felt hopeful many times. Many more times, he shut off from it.

When he talked about hopes and dreams, he was present to those things at that time. He really meant it, he just didn't know how to, or be willing to, make it happen. He became discouraged over and over and over again, and I think he finally just gave up. Too hard, too dissapointing.

When he said he was gonna work "a helluva program" (his words when we discussed yet another treatment) I believe he meant that too. Again, no real follow-through.

I know without a doubt that this man loved me as best he could, in his own flawed way. It is one of the things I struggled with so for long -- if it was his best, yet flawed, should I tell him "not good enough" and walk away? Of course, I made the best decision for me...... just not soon enough

I think you are doing just fine, jerect.
Just don't six-month yourself to death!
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Old 06-23-2010, 11:44 AM
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[QUOTE=coffeedrinker;2632489]Jerect,


I know without a doubt that this man loved me as best he could, in his own flawed way. It is one of the things I struggled with so for long -- if it was his best, yet flawed, should I tell him "not good enough" and walk away? Of course, I made the best decision for me...... just not soon enough

I could be speaking about my own XAH...i had to come to terms that he loved me the best way he knew how and that it ended up being not enough for me.
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