lilybart

I posted this in the relationship forum as well, but I wanted ya'lls imput also. I've been dating a recovering heroin addict for about three months now-he's seven months out of rehab. Some of you on this board know this story already-about three weeks ago he told me that he was crazy about me but that he didn't want to use our relationship as a substitution for the addiction, that he needed to focus on his recovery in order to be in a place where our relationship would have a chance at being healthy and real. He told me he did not want to break up, and the selfish thing he wanted was for me to wait on him. I told him that I wanted to be with him too and I would wait on him if that's what it takes. So I've been really strong and detached about the whole thing. I've stopped contacting him and let him come to me when he felt like he needed to talk to me, which hasn't been much. I've been funny and supportive on the phone when he does call. I haven't put any pressure on him at all to see me-we live three hours away, and until this we were together every weekend. I don't ask him what he's been doing or put any demands on him at all. It's gotten hard though. I feel like the more time we are apart the less he's interested in me. And then last night I kind of caught him in a lie about a girl that posted something suggestive on his facebook. He brought her up, not me, and said he didn't know why she wrote that because he hadn't seen her in years, but I saw on another mutual friend's page that she posted something that led me to believe differently. In that moment, I really began to stop believing that he wants to have a relationship with me, I began to believe that he is just stringing me along in case one day he is alone and can't find anything better. I have all along been taking everything he says to heart, thinking that he's just not ready for a relationship, but when he is he wants it to be with me, but now I'm confused and distraught.
So this is my dilemma. I want to call him today and tell him how much I care about him, and that I will be patient and wait as long as it takes if he REALLY, TRULY is being honest with me and thinks that we have a shot at being something real. But that if he isn't being honest, and he doesn't want me anymore and doesn't know how to tell me, then he needs to let me go so that I can start healing myself.
I really love this man and think we could be something great. But I can't put my everything into this if it's for nothing.
What does everyone think? Is that putting too much pressure on him? Should I just keep silent and keep waiting for him to be "ready"? Or does it seem okay for me to lay everything out like that?

Jenny1232

From my standpoint - if this is someone you want to spend your life with, then I think you should be able to talk to him about anything. I don't see anything wrong with stating that you want to make sure he's honest and sure about this. His reaction will say a lot about his committment in itself. I don't see why you should stand on the sideline and hold your feelings inside.

That's just my take.

lilybart

Thanks. That's how I feel too. I shouldn't be hesitant to call him and talk about things that matter to me, I've just been SO careful with his feelings because I know he's REALLY concentrating on his recovery and I don't want to make things any harder by seeming needy.

Jenny1232

I do tend to agree with Anvilhead on this one... it's only been three months and look at how you're feeling. I can assure you, it will only get worse.

With that said - if you CHOOSE to stay with him, I don't see why you can't talk to him. I think your best bet, is to walk away.

Ann

Nope, because he will lie if he is using...that's what addicts do sweetie.

Now imagine if you put all this love and dedication and effort into taking care of yourself instead? What a wonderful life you could be having...whether or not he stays clean.

Nothing we say or do can make them use or not use. Trust me on that. If love could save an addict, not one of us would be here.

It's not for us to tell you whether to stay or leave, but with only 3 months of your life wasted...the mama in me wants to yell

Good luck.

Hugs

lilybart

He's not using, he's doing great in his recovery.
And I do take care of me, I always have. I'm 38, so I'm not some lovestruck teenager. I understand it takes a lot of work to make a relationship work, and this is my first with an addict but I know it can be a lot different than a "regular" relationship.That's why I found this board-I wanted to be informed about what I was walking into.
I actually go years in between relationships. I don't let people in very easily, and I never date anyone just to have someone so I won't be lonely-I am very serious when I start to date someone. And when it ends, I do a lot of soul searching and I try to learn from my mistakes, and then I spend a lot of time by myself taking care of me and re-evaluating what I'm looking for in a partner. So this wasn't just something that I entered lightly. I knew from the very beginning about his addiction-he was extremely open and honest with me about it, and I was open and honest about my concerns as well.
I just don't want to push him and seem needy and clingy, but I do think I have a right to be able to ask him to be honest about what he wants from me.

lilybart

Anvilhead,
All I wanted was to know if it was pushing him to have a talk about what is going on between us. You're right. I know nothing about recovery and I shouldn't have posted anything.

hello-kitty

Yes. On both sides. Not just yours. And he already told you he wasn't ready.

I understand that you may feel hurt by his behavior. I sure would. I understand that you want answers. I would too. But a relationship shouldn't be this hard 3 months into it. It shouldn't be so confusing. I suggest that you back off even more so that his behavior doesn't bother you so much. If that means no contact well so be it.

He wants to keep you on the back burner until he is ready. Well I suggest you put him on the back burner too. If things are meant to be they'll be.

You may not be a lovestruck teenager, but waiting on some guy who has told you he doesn't want a relationship right now is certainly what a lovestruck teenager would do. It's not how someone handles a relationship between two mature people. What he is doing - telling you to wait while he decides what he wants to do and while he flirts with girls on facebook - is pretty immature too. Very teenagerish if you ask me.

Stop answering the phone when he calls. Start dating other people. Do your own thing. Build up your confidence and learn how to trust yourself a little more. If it was meant to be it will be. You can't force it to work out with him. No matter how much you "love" him after 3 months. You can't control his side of this.

You are a human being. You deserve better.

Jenny1232

I don't see anything wrong with your posting. You had a question - we're telling you how we feel regarding it. I think it'd be best to just walk away.. but that's up to you. Like I said.. it's not pushing him, if he is serious about you. If he cares enough about you - expressing a general concern shouldn't be a big issue.

liesagain

Lily
My husband is a recovering addict (much like some of the people here who have taken the time to respond to your post) and one thing my husband has made very clear to me, IS-- HIS recovery Is HIS Responsibility-- NOT mine.

See we had many years of me trying to run his recovery or me trying to monitor his recovery as well as the years that I was trying to "protect" is recovery
not saying anything that would upset him, not questioning his behaviors that were clearly "red flag" behaviors...............
Like You, I didnt want to put to much strain on him because "he was focusing on his recovery".........

I have learned a lot over the last several years and today it is
my opinion -- that an addict that is Really focused on their recovery and really working a solid program will
1st off accept responsibility for themselves, they dont place blame or restrictions on those around them, expecially people they love, they take responsibility for themselves.

I believe this because not only have I seen it first hand, but my husband has told me--Theres NOTHING at all that I can ever Say or do that would change his recovery
ITS his choice on a daily and moment by moment basis, hes told me NOT to live in fear, to know and believe that I couldnt stop him from using in the past and I wont make him use in the future no matter what I do or say. His recovery is not based on me

There was a time, when he was NOT serious about his recovery, that he wanted me to feel responsibiable for him and his recovery because it made it easier for him to make excuses to himself and to me about his continued drug use and repeated relapses today hes not loking for an excuse or backup plan to blame his choices on today hes taking responsibility for himself and his recovery
If he were still putting those burdens on me, then I would not be so sure he was working a solid recovery program.

Just my 2 cents

dkaye26

Hmmm. In many ways your dilemma sounds like mine felt: No matter what you do you'll lose. Though my abf was in denial—and not in rehab—in my heart I felt like no matter how patient I was with him he was exiting the relationship. While telling me he loved me, and still doing some thoughtful things, he was subtly pulling away, not making as many plans, and trying to cause fights. He brought up how some woman contacted him on Facebook, and it's not something I even saw or mentioned...which made me suspicious.

He went out of town for a week to a class and I knew things would not change. They were only deteriorating. I feel like I had no choice but to leave, and so I told him it was over and now he's gone for good. It's still painful and lonely. On the other hand, I know I deserve more...and you deserve a boyfriend who wants to be with you, who wants to talk to you more, and who CAN physically and emotionally be present. Really, with them, aren't we alone anyway?

I say maybe you should begin to spend your time with your own friends and interests. I guess if it's meant to be he'll come back. I remind myself of how my ex acted when he really wanted to be with me. There was no stopping his calling and plan-making. Now nothing. Bottom line for me: he loves his drug more than me and probably wants the company of a like-minded woman. It sucks. It's a battle I know I'll never win, but it sucks.

Impurrfect

((Lilybart)) - you posted here for a reason, and everyone is just sharing their ES&H. Anvilhead, Kitty and I are not only recovering codies, we're recovering addicts, too.

As ((Liesagain)) pointed out, HIS recovery is his deal. From the day I began my recovery, after a very nasty relapse, NO ONE sugar-coated their feelings. I had some very angry, disappointed family, friends, and coworkers I had to deal with. That's what recovery is all about..learning to deal with life and not..pick..up.

I wouldn't treat him any differently because he's "in recovery". A relationship needs to have trust, IMO, and if you can't feel comfortable talking to him about things you're feeling, if you can't believe what he's saying about this other girl, then it sounds like he's hiding behind his "recovery" and, yes, that is addict BEHAVIOR..whether he's using or not. Just because we stop using doesn't mean we miraculously change our behaviors...that takes time and a lot of work. Just something to think about.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

coffeedrinker

This is what I see, Lily --

You are doing a dance that we codpendent types do. We alter our own actions & behaviors, to try and minimize discomfort for the one we love. Or to minimize a reaction, so we don't have to have confrontation, anger, tension. We often don't even realize that we are going through life basing OUR actions on what we suppose THEIR reaction will be. But we do.

I think you are unsure. Go with that for awhile. Something smells bad.

outtolunch

If he were interested he would be with you. That he's not interested has, nothing to do with you. You have only dated a few months on weekends. Neither of you know each other well. The whole deal sounds like a relationship of hopeful fantasy. Time for your own reality check.

Callie

Sweetie - it's been 3 months. I'm a year older than you. Click on my name and read my posts. My advice to you is to run as fast and as far away as you can. There are other signs besides addiction/recovery that should be red flags. Don't waste anymore time or energy. All you're asking for is heartache.

I've talked my XAH into recovery 4 FOUR times. It doesn't stick unless HE chooses it. No doubt about it, I can GET him there, but unless he WANTS it, it's not gonna happen.

dollydo

Good grief, what are you thinking? He has laid it all out for you, he is moving on, and wants you to sit quietly and wait for him, he is manipulating you, he is stringing you along.

A 3 month long distance,weekend relationship,and, you are madly in love with him? You don't even know this man. Does not compute, and at your age 38, it shouldn't, this is teenie bopper 101.

I am sorry if I sound harsh, I just don't get any of it.

mermaid60

There are some great posts on this thread. I found your comments helpful for my own situation as well. Lilybart, you describe yourself and it sounds like me....didn't date alot, am able to be alone and out of a relationship without a problem. My ex ABF is in week 3 of his program. I am a health care professional yet I couldn't see what was going on oin my own back door. I am new at this so I have no sage advice for you but I pray that you find the tools you need for this undertaking!