newnormal4me

I have read here a lot that you "didn't cause this", or other ways of phrasing might be that we are not doing anything wrong. I understand that I didn't cause my AH's addictions, but I've found it hard to listen to his justifications and manipulations and not disbelieve them. I know our relationship was not perfect prior to the addictions, and AH likes to throw that at me, likes to throw issues I have had (nothing related to drugs, alcohol, infidelity, or such, really just normal relationship stuff.) and try to compare them apples to apples. I don't see it that way, but there is no reasoning with him to see differently. It's impossible to work with that!

There was a time where I let those rationalizations (if you want to call them that!) affect me. I'd actually allow myself to believe that maybe he was a tad right. But I am learning not to let those irrational justifications enter my mind, although I think the past ones have caused some damage.

Gee I'm rambling...not sure if I even make any sense of this. All this to say I struggle with this!

coffeedrinker

i think he is simply doing what they do: blameshift, make excuses, and feel sorry for themselves. in an unhealthy way it works, because he gets to dump on you, and you buy into it. it's cuz he's good at it, and he found in you a willing participant.

this has been my experience anyway. i would question, and then only later be able to get clarity (when he wasnt' around)

keepinon

Just talking about this with alanon friend...diversion is their way..turning it back on you, blaming someone else, going for the heartstrings,blah blah blah.Some peole on here call it "quacking" the annoying meaningless noise of the addicion talking. When I hear it, I do not respond.

sojourner

angelstory: The addict blaming others is a normal thing in addiction. It's what children (immature) people do.

It helps me to think of it this way - addiction is a neurologic disorder, much like dementia. I don't know if you've been around someone with severe dementia, but some people with that neurologic disorder constantly complain that they want to go "home" and accuse their new caretakers (even their own children) of having done something illegal (kidnapping them, stealing from them) and that's why they are so unhappy. But i can easily accept that dementia is the root cause of those accusations and detach from them. And so the same with addiction.

Alanon has a reading in One Day at a Time where the author envisions his/her addicted loved in a hospital gown (because he/she is a person who needs treatment) while the family member is the visitor. In the reading, it helps the author to keep perspective as her addicted loved one/patient goes on and on about some thing or another.

Hope that helps.

laurie6781

(((((Angel)))))

This is what addict/alkies do. They CHANGE the subject. They go 'offense' and ATTACK you. Why? Gets the topic OFF OF THEM.

It is also called QUACKING. Picture the big white AFLAC duck quacking away and you get the picture.

If, you had been the 'perfect' partner, then it would be the boss, the neighbors, the kid down the street, it's too hot, it's too cold, it's raining, it's not raining, it's snowing, it's not snowing, there's a tornado coming, there's no tornado coming ................ ad on infinitem. You get the picture.

You DID NOT CAUSE HIS ADDICTION.

Please continue to work on you to find the 'freedom' you so richly deserve.

I hope since it seems like you are not together now that you have gone No Contact!

J M H O

Love and hugs,

newnormal4me

Thanks for the thoughts...I have definitely gotten better with this issue and it helped seeing a counselor. Funny how after therapy I would refuse to listen and play along with the "quacking". He told me the counselor wasn't working, I was getting worse, lol!

I wish I could go no contact, but we have two kids. Not sure how that would work? We are currently apart, but it's not a long term arrangement by no means. One step at a time is what I keep telling myself.