leaving my alcoholic/addict boyfriend
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 27
leaving my alcoholic/addict boyfriend
My relationship just ended. He told me he has a new girlfriend, he's sick of hearing about my hurt feelings, and I should not contact him anymore. Period. It was just weeks ago that he was talking about our future, telling me I was the love of his life, blah, blah, blah. This, the ugly end of a 2-year relationship with a boyfriend that has substance abuse issues. Addiction runs deep in his family—but there isn't a trace in mine. I guess I was the perfect "clueless" girlfriend.
We're both divorced and in our 40's. Though we did not know each other previous to dating, we are in related businesses and have several mutual acquaintances so I figured he was a pretty safe bet. I had heard he didn't drink for a long time, but he dated me for nearly 6 months before someone else told me he was "sober" for 17 years. Hmmm. Red flag! I'm naturally thin and my body is very sensitive to alcohol and even OTC medications. I always conclude that most everyone else I know drinks more than I, so I rationalized away what seemed excessive. He could be the most caring, generous, thoughtful, affectionate man I have ever been with. Conversely, he has shown me he can be the most hurtful and cruel man I've ever loved.
I sensed him trying to downplay his drinking, then try to keep it under control, then start to usher me out the door with a quick goodbye so he could get loaded alone. We've been through many cycles of breaking up but I always cave and take him back...despite knowing in my heart he has a problem. He has a compulsive personality and he stands in complete denial.
I realize somewhere along the line he became my drug of choice.
We've had so much fun together and I'm wildly attracted to him physically. And then there has been misery. He loves me one minute, then verbally abuses me the next. Now, he has absolutely no respect for me. I have never been around anyone like this in my life. Despite his erratic mood swings, he makes me feel like I'm the crazy one. I love him but logic tells me to leave. I need to read the stories here of heartache. I need to let go and move on. He was never the man he pretended to be...and he finally got tired of lying and left me.
He once confessed that long ago he also used cocaine. I must keep reading. I'm exhausted. I'm hurt. I think he has cheated and lied.
The catch is, he has been highly functioning (but I think his work is now starting to suffer). And as I said, could be so romantic, thoughtful and generous. It feels like crap to think he never loved me at all. I'm so glad I found this forum.
We're both divorced and in our 40's. Though we did not know each other previous to dating, we are in related businesses and have several mutual acquaintances so I figured he was a pretty safe bet. I had heard he didn't drink for a long time, but he dated me for nearly 6 months before someone else told me he was "sober" for 17 years. Hmmm. Red flag! I'm naturally thin and my body is very sensitive to alcohol and even OTC medications. I always conclude that most everyone else I know drinks more than I, so I rationalized away what seemed excessive. He could be the most caring, generous, thoughtful, affectionate man I have ever been with. Conversely, he has shown me he can be the most hurtful and cruel man I've ever loved.
I sensed him trying to downplay his drinking, then try to keep it under control, then start to usher me out the door with a quick goodbye so he could get loaded alone. We've been through many cycles of breaking up but I always cave and take him back...despite knowing in my heart he has a problem. He has a compulsive personality and he stands in complete denial.
I realize somewhere along the line he became my drug of choice.
We've had so much fun together and I'm wildly attracted to him physically. And then there has been misery. He loves me one minute, then verbally abuses me the next. Now, he has absolutely no respect for me. I have never been around anyone like this in my life. Despite his erratic mood swings, he makes me feel like I'm the crazy one. I love him but logic tells me to leave. I need to read the stories here of heartache. I need to let go and move on. He was never the man he pretended to be...and he finally got tired of lying and left me.
He once confessed that long ago he also used cocaine. I must keep reading. I'm exhausted. I'm hurt. I think he has cheated and lied.
The catch is, he has been highly functioning (but I think his work is now starting to suffer). And as I said, could be so romantic, thoughtful and generous. It feels like crap to think he never loved me at all. I'm so glad I found this forum.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Welcome to Sober Recovery. This is a great place for you. Every single word you wrote I can identify with, as can many of us here.
My ex-boyfriend had some really good sobriety, and when he fell off last year, man was it something. I started reading about psychopaths and the traits, and was very close to convinced that he was one and I had been conned big time. When I was in that place, it was the most painful situation I have ever been in in my life.
When I realized what was going on, how much he was using, and dealing to support it and trying to make some money but which would then just get shot or swallowed or smoked, and then when he came clean with me about it and I started seeing and hearing the man I loved again, I understood.
It consoled me to hear what he had said about me to his daughter, to hear that I was the best thing that had ever come into his life, and it eased my tormented mind to know that he did truly love me and care for me, but when in active addiction, it's like a monster takes over your soul and you're so far away from the humanity that defines most of us. I finally understood, but still I also finally had to make the decision that he simply wasn't healthy enough for me, and wasn't moving very quickly in the direction of becoming healthier.
Those two realizations, although very different, were very important to me and my healing. It's a tough, tough road, but one we can walk down and have success. I'm still workin on it, and it's been months. But improvements in my mood and frame of mind occur on a regular basis.
You can do so as well.
My ex-boyfriend had some really good sobriety, and when he fell off last year, man was it something. I started reading about psychopaths and the traits, and was very close to convinced that he was one and I had been conned big time. When I was in that place, it was the most painful situation I have ever been in in my life.
When I realized what was going on, how much he was using, and dealing to support it and trying to make some money but which would then just get shot or swallowed or smoked, and then when he came clean with me about it and I started seeing and hearing the man I loved again, I understood.
It consoled me to hear what he had said about me to his daughter, to hear that I was the best thing that had ever come into his life, and it eased my tormented mind to know that he did truly love me and care for me, but when in active addiction, it's like a monster takes over your soul and you're so far away from the humanity that defines most of us. I finally understood, but still I also finally had to make the decision that he simply wasn't healthy enough for me, and wasn't moving very quickly in the direction of becoming healthier.
Those two realizations, although very different, were very important to me and my healing. It's a tough, tough road, but one we can walk down and have success. I'm still workin on it, and it's been months. But improvements in my mood and frame of mind occur on a regular basis.
You can do so as well.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 27
Thank you for taking the time to write. This ordeal has been more painful than anything I have ever experienced in my life. And it's a silent struggle. My family and friends gave up on him long ago...when he walked out on me before. It's mostly hard b/c I think of the good times, the fun, the laughter, the ways he helped me around my house, the truly thoughtful and generous gifts, the feeling that I finally found the one and he loves me back. It doesn't feel that way anymore. He took my fragile trust and ripped it to shreds. He's gone and I doubt will ever look back. I'll keep reading. It's good to hear that someone out there understands. I need to get myself back, for my work and my son. I need to heal the damage.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
have you been to an alanon meeting? addicts are people first and run the full gamut of personalities, but many are very charming which helps them get enablers so they can stay sick. I love my addicted daughter with all my heart, but have realized that I cannot have a REAL (two-way, equal, healthy) relationship with her while she is using. She is sick and incapable of it as I suspect yor bf is.Feeling crazy, being crazy is part of the disease for us.. check out aa or alanon 2nd step..came to beleive a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.. we've all been there, feeling totally nuts, sick..because we are! I am recovering from the family disease of addicton.also super helpful to me..the book Co Dependant No More..has changed many lives! we r here, keep coming back!
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: new york
Posts: 227
Welcome DK, sorry you are hurting. I too, like many others have been the love of their life one week and then witness to the monster another. It sounds like you have a very strong emotional attitude! Keep reading, I do. Even though it hurts it also helps to know you have people here on this site that have been through what you have and their input helps you get through another day. God Bless!
((coffee)) That's exactly the post I needed to read today...Thank you!!
((coffee)) That's exactly the post I needed to read today...Thank you!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 27
Many, many thanks to you all. This place is a blessing.
Unfortunately my day began with a setback. I found out this morning that my ex is likely responsible for having one of my freelance checks withheld—a delay I think he instigated to hurt me when we broke up a year ago. So, during the whole time we've been back together, he knew he had delayed my getting paid and never saw to it that I was paid. I emailed him this past weekend asking him if he had anything to do with the extraordinarily long payment delay, he never answered the question, but miraculously I'm told by my agency that the money just came in. How coincidental. I often think he's sadistic.
I feel sucker-punched. Yet again. It hurts a lot—but it helps to hear from others who have been through the same thing. I've been to a few al-anon meetings and tonight attended an open aa. It's all helping, however the feelings can't just go away in a few days. Wish they could...
Unfortunately my day began with a setback. I found out this morning that my ex is likely responsible for having one of my freelance checks withheld—a delay I think he instigated to hurt me when we broke up a year ago. So, during the whole time we've been back together, he knew he had delayed my getting paid and never saw to it that I was paid. I emailed him this past weekend asking him if he had anything to do with the extraordinarily long payment delay, he never answered the question, but miraculously I'm told by my agency that the money just came in. How coincidental. I often think he's sadistic.
I feel sucker-punched. Yet again. It hurts a lot—but it helps to hear from others who have been through the same thing. I've been to a few al-anon meetings and tonight attended an open aa. It's all helping, however the feelings can't just go away in a few days. Wish they could...
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
"I realize somewhere along the line he became my drug of choice."
Very well put.
We have to detox from them, just as they have to detox from their DOC. They have a LOVE/HATE relationship with their addiction just as we have with them...you stated that so well!
Try to remember to take this one day at a time and keep all the focus on you. When you take care of yourself, the rest will just fall into place.
You're gonna have setbacks and feel sucker-punched some days, and other days..top of the world! It's part of the healing process. I am 6 months without Mr.Sofa, and I still have mini meltdowns from time to time. The difference is now, I identify WHY I am in those situations, WHY I am felling what I'm feeling...and realize now that I am actually doing it to myself.
Read EVERYTHING you can here. Glad you found SR.
Very well put.
We have to detox from them, just as they have to detox from their DOC. They have a LOVE/HATE relationship with their addiction just as we have with them...you stated that so well!
Try to remember to take this one day at a time and keep all the focus on you. When you take care of yourself, the rest will just fall into place.
You're gonna have setbacks and feel sucker-punched some days, and other days..top of the world! It's part of the healing process. I am 6 months without Mr.Sofa, and I still have mini meltdowns from time to time. The difference is now, I identify WHY I am in those situations, WHY I am felling what I'm feeling...and realize now that I am actually doing it to myself.
Read EVERYTHING you can here. Glad you found SR.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I know far too well the feeling of being sucker-punched. When my ex-fiance walked out (a dry drunk), my entire world collapsed.
More and more was revealed to me after he left, and what a good game he had played with me.
It took a long time to heal from that ordeal, but that was the beginning of my journey into recovery from codependency.
Today I am grateful for that past relationship because of what I have gained inside myself all these years later.
I'm glad you are here, and please keep posting! :ghug3
More and more was revealed to me after he left, and what a good game he had played with me.
It took a long time to heal from that ordeal, but that was the beginning of my journey into recovery from codependency.
Today I am grateful for that past relationship because of what I have gained inside myself all these years later.
I'm glad you are here, and please keep posting! :ghug3
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 27
I feel better today. Of course that wouldn't have taken much! Why is it that 4:00 a.m. is the universal time for an awakening jolt with thoughts of the ex? Anyway, thank you all again. I've read every word and it helps...
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: new york
Posts: 227
Maybe that was the time you were used to waking up because he was just rolling in? That would be my story. 
And that was on a good night! lol Just trying to interject a little humor.......
Kim (i can sign my name now that i've been "outed") lol
And that was on a good night! lol Just trying to interject a little humor.......Kim (i can sign my name now that i've been "outed") lol
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