Nerdgirl

If y'all remember from my las thread, my husband has told his dad to keep the opiate addicted adult children away from us, our house, and our kids.

The question is now what? DH (justifiably) doesn't trust anything his heroin addicted brother says. My codependent FIL insists that my BIL has been going to meetings and is "better" though we don't really believe this either. FIL tries to bring addict BIL over at least twice a week, and we resist.....

Would insisting on a clean drug test before entering our home be weird or silly? How else could we know if he was really clean? Something brought home from meetings? Speaking/ meeting with his sponsor? Any thoughts?

BTW One of our kids recently said that they can't talk to their uncle because he's bad - they were promptly corrected - the drugs are bad, and as long as he does drugs he can't come over.

Thanks in advance to my newfound friends at SR

dollydo

I would just keep it simple, until you are comfortable, don't let him in your house or life.

That is your choice, there is no reason to go thru any girations.

If your FIL wants him/them in his life, that's fine. That is his choice.

Drug testing will not work, addicts know every way to pass, and if you have to do that, what's the point?

Let it be, see what happens, what is the rush to let your BIL back into your home?

Nerdgirl

The rush is on account of my FIL, basically begging my husband twice a week... My DH always says he wants to see long term, meaningful recovery - someone that checks out of rehab early and proclaims on his facebook page "I'm free!" is unlikely to be sober. Also, the only reason he went to rehab was because he was caught stealing to support his habit, not because he wanted to get better.

Seren

How about "Until WE decide that, by his actions, we can trust BIL again, he is not welcome in our home or around our children. When we DO decide, we will let you know."

Sorry about the constant nagging that you are receiving. Since it is your home, you get to decide the rules. Period!

Hugs, HG

Nerdgirl

Thanks hydrogirl! That's basically what my husband has been saying.

The nagging is pretty annoying - I have 3 toddlers so I have a pretty high threshold for nagging!

Forgot to mention that my FIL doesnt do any nagging/lobbying for my SIL to have the privilege of seeing my kids. She's finally facing some legal consequences, and my FIL, though enabling her as well, sees that she could run one of our kids over and not even bat an eyelash because she's so wasted all the time...

dollydo

Some times I believe it's best to just lay it on the line. No, is a complete sentence that your FIL needs to understand.

Simply put FIL: We do not want to discuss this any further, when we are ready to open the door for xxx we will let you know, until then this topic is off our radar screen. If reenforced, he will eventually understand.

You are doing the right thing, protecting your children.

sojourner

I'm confused. It sounds like your husband is pretty comfortable saying "no" and following that up with actions.

Are you the one who is vacillating here?

coffeedrinker

I understand that this is uncharted territory for youl all over there Nerd. You want to come up with something to say so that your FIL will GET IT. But it is doubtful that - at this time - he will no matter what.

I would vote for telling him ONE MORE TIME, that you guys do not feel comfortable with the BIL coming to your home until (as Dolly & Hydro said) you and your husband feel some dynamic shifts have occured. At which time, you will happily extend an invitation to the BIL. Add that you feel that he is disrespecting you by being so insistent and beating a dead horse - it causes anguish for you (this is probably husband talking here) so please refrain from bringing up the subject again.
(he better watch it or you'll banish him as well! J/K)

FIL doesn't even need to be kept abreast of that; he doesn't need to get a telegram stating who you have decided to socialize with, or invite to your house, whether it's his son or not.

Nerdgirl

Thanks all! I guess I'm just afraid that my husband will manipulated by his father into letting them into our house, because we're being pressed for an endpoint by my FIL. Presumably any endpoint we give will be used against us later. The last time my FIL pressed my husband the response was "I'm not ready to have him in my life right now, and I don't know when I will be."

I'm of the opinion that when my BIL and SIL are gainfully employed and financially independent I will believe that there's a chance that they're clean, until then all bets are off....

SelfDestruct

Those sound like pretty high standards, recovery is a long process. People who are in recovery need people in their life that are positive and uplifting, not someone constantly telling them that they are good enough. From your posts it doesn't sound like you or your husband will ever be ready. How about meeting them at a restaurant or park???

keepinon

The more I deal with addiction, the more I know what sobriety looks like.....you'll know it when u see it.Till then do what u gotta do..sounds like FIL needs to learn to respect your boundaries. i agree that HE should be told he is being disrespectful to u by continuing to bring subject up.Hang in there and enjoy your addict free home.