The End of Fighting for Custody
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
I am fairly new to posting here, but wanted to send you hugs and prayers. My heart hurts for your situation.
Many of us here dread the lives we are living with our addicts, yet desperately fear what you are dealing with now...
Many of us here dread the lives we are living with our addicts, yet desperately fear what you are dealing with now...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
I am so sorry for your loss. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family.
I lost my brother to OD 5 years ago. My emotions were all over the map. I went from blinding rage to absolute sadness all in the course of a minute...and sometimes I'd feel strange combinations of these feelings.
The pain never goes away but it does get easier with time. Be patient and loving with yourself right now and hold on tight to those around you for support.
Heart-felt sympathy to you all......
I lost my brother to OD 5 years ago. My emotions were all over the map. I went from blinding rage to absolute sadness all in the course of a minute...and sometimes I'd feel strange combinations of these feelings.
The pain never goes away but it does get easier with time. Be patient and loving with yourself right now and hold on tight to those around you for support.
Heart-felt sympathy to you all......
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 561
In some ways having one's worst fears come true is a relief. It means you stop living on the edge of a cliff waiting for this to happen. We're heartbroken. We're crying. And somehow we're taking deep breaths that we couldn't take for so many years. My sister's pain is over, her physical suffering and the emotional torment is done. Our job now is to guide her daughter through her mourning process and help her find her happiness.
If anyone has experience or thoughts on helping a teenager cope with the loss of a parent I am looking for ways to help her.
Love to you all.
Lisa
If anyone has experience or thoughts on helping a teenager cope with the loss of a parent I am looking for ways to help her.
Love to you all.
Lisa
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Lisa)) - as you know, Brit's mom died when she was a baby. However, it's been in the last year, or so, that she's really, really been grieving for her mom..opened up about it. And though it's not the same, she's also "grieving" for the loss of her "dad" who is facing a long prison sentence and has chosen drugs over her, her entire life.
The only thing I know to do is let her talk. She's angry, and I think she has a right to be. No, it's NOT fair that either of them have lost parents, due to death and drugs. With the drug situation, I've told Brit (and she saw ME as an addict, so that helps a bit) that it's not personal...our minds are "taken over"..we just don't think right. It's not that we don't LOVE them....we still do...very, very much..we just can't think of anything else but getting high.
I've also told her that the anger won't always be there. At some point it turns into pain, and it just hurts, but it doesn't last forever. We will still always miss them...she's seen me cry for MY mom and she's been gone since '91, but she also sees me laugh about memories and talk about her all the time. I told her what my nursing professor told me, in my "death and dying" class that I took, right after mom died....the gut-wrenching pain that we feel never goes away..the times that you feel it, though, just gets farther and farther apart.
Brit absolutely LOVES to hear stories of when her mom was little, or when she was a baby. Are there GOOD times that your niece had with her mom that you can tell her of? Before the drugs took over? I know the circumstances are different, but it's like Brit just craves knowing that there was SOME TIME that her mom really was there for her, because she doesn't remember. Even with her dad, all she remembers is bad stuff. I've had to dig, really, really deep, to find any semblance of "good" to come up with anything on her dad, but I could find a few things and it helped. I don't sugar-coat what he's done, though, and she's quite okay with not wanting him in her life...for today, but is still wrestling with the thought of visiting him in jail.
Be prepared for questions you just can't answer. Brit will ask "did my mom know..." or "did my mom think..." and neither I, my stepsister (who knew her mom better than anyone) or my stepmom can answer these questions. She'll even ask questions about her dad, and he's still alive, but we know we won't get straight answers from him. We'll usually say "I think she..." but that's the best we can do, and we always tell her how very much her mom loved her.
I know that's hard in your case...your sister didn't SHOW that love to your niece. If something were to happen to Brit's dad, I would be having the same battle, but since I'm an RA, I KNOW that while I was using, I still loved Brit with all my heart, I just couldn't show it. I was too "out there". I remember realizing it was her birthday, out there on the streets. I felt horrible. So what did I do? I got high. That's how we A's deal with everything...totally despicable to me, TODAY, but it's what we do.
I hope this helps.
Love, hugs and prayers!
Amy
The only thing I know to do is let her talk. She's angry, and I think she has a right to be. No, it's NOT fair that either of them have lost parents, due to death and drugs. With the drug situation, I've told Brit (and she saw ME as an addict, so that helps a bit) that it's not personal...our minds are "taken over"..we just don't think right. It's not that we don't LOVE them....we still do...very, very much..we just can't think of anything else but getting high.
I've also told her that the anger won't always be there. At some point it turns into pain, and it just hurts, but it doesn't last forever. We will still always miss them...she's seen me cry for MY mom and she's been gone since '91, but she also sees me laugh about memories and talk about her all the time. I told her what my nursing professor told me, in my "death and dying" class that I took, right after mom died....the gut-wrenching pain that we feel never goes away..the times that you feel it, though, just gets farther and farther apart.
Brit absolutely LOVES to hear stories of when her mom was little, or when she was a baby. Are there GOOD times that your niece had with her mom that you can tell her of? Before the drugs took over? I know the circumstances are different, but it's like Brit just craves knowing that there was SOME TIME that her mom really was there for her, because she doesn't remember. Even with her dad, all she remembers is bad stuff. I've had to dig, really, really deep, to find any semblance of "good" to come up with anything on her dad, but I could find a few things and it helped. I don't sugar-coat what he's done, though, and she's quite okay with not wanting him in her life...for today, but is still wrestling with the thought of visiting him in jail.
Be prepared for questions you just can't answer. Brit will ask "did my mom know..." or "did my mom think..." and neither I, my stepsister (who knew her mom better than anyone) or my stepmom can answer these questions. She'll even ask questions about her dad, and he's still alive, but we know we won't get straight answers from him. We'll usually say "I think she..." but that's the best we can do, and we always tell her how very much her mom loved her.
I know that's hard in your case...your sister didn't SHOW that love to your niece. If something were to happen to Brit's dad, I would be having the same battle, but since I'm an RA, I KNOW that while I was using, I still loved Brit with all my heart, I just couldn't show it. I was too "out there". I remember realizing it was her birthday, out there on the streets. I felt horrible. So what did I do? I got high. That's how we A's deal with everything...totally despicable to me, TODAY, but it's what we do.
I hope this helps.
Love, hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 561
Thank you Amy.
There were good times when my sister was a good mother. She struggled with addiction and mental illness my niece's entire life but there were times she was healthier, well enough to have created some good memories. Well enough to have built a good foundation. I will work with my niece at helping her remember her mother that way. That's how I want to remember her too.
There were good times when my sister was a good mother. She struggled with addiction and mental illness my niece's entire life but there were times she was healthier, well enough to have created some good memories. Well enough to have built a good foundation. I will work with my niece at helping her remember her mother that way. That's how I want to remember her too.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Amy and Lisa, I just want to tell you how much your stories about trying to help the children
who have lost their parents to addiction, has touched my heart.
Those children are so very blessed to have people like you
to help them through the grief.
God bless all who take in the children and love them.
Hugs
who have lost their parents to addiction, has touched my heart.
Those children are so very blessed to have people like you
to help them through the grief.
God bless all who take in the children and love them.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 355
First and foremost I want to send hugs and prayers to you, your neice and your family. I am so sorry for your loss. I have followed your story and I know it has been a long road for all of you.
My mother died when I was 11. I lived with an Aunt who was like my mother to me. She died when I was 16. The best advise that I can offer is just listen to your neice. Let her talk. Be there for her when she is angry (and she will be angry), and sad. When she asks a question, tell her the truth. Just be there for her. My family had the philisophy that you stayed strong, you didn't cry, you survived and moved on. Nobody wanted to talk about it. So I did. I drank, I took drugs, I went wild. That is how I dealt with it. I numbed myself so that I wouldn't feel much of anything. Being so young I just didn't have any life skills to deal with that kind of pain on my own. And I had alot of guilt, even though I knew it wasn't my fault, I felt guilty.
Your neice is very lucky to have someone like you in her life. Just love her and listen to her and be honest with her, that is all she needs you to do.
Gotahavfaith
My mother died when I was 11. I lived with an Aunt who was like my mother to me. She died when I was 16. The best advise that I can offer is just listen to your neice. Let her talk. Be there for her when she is angry (and she will be angry), and sad. When she asks a question, tell her the truth. Just be there for her. My family had the philisophy that you stayed strong, you didn't cry, you survived and moved on. Nobody wanted to talk about it. So I did. I drank, I took drugs, I went wild. That is how I dealt with it. I numbed myself so that I wouldn't feel much of anything. Being so young I just didn't have any life skills to deal with that kind of pain on my own. And I had alot of guilt, even though I knew it wasn't my fault, I felt guilty.
Your neice is very lucky to have someone like you in her life. Just love her and listen to her and be honest with her, that is all she needs you to do.
Gotahavfaith
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Oh Lisa, I'm so terribly sorry. As far as helping a teen with a tragic loss, I have only found that being there, showing love and concern but not hovering or "making" them talk has been helpful...at least in my experience. Just a shoulder...some hugs, an acknowledgement that yes this is so incredibly sad, but we will make it through...together.
Please don't forget that you too are mourning a sister - Be kind and gentle to yourself too and let your niece know, by your actions that is okay to feel the pain and try to walk through this difficult journey.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I truly can't find the words.
Please don't forget that you too are mourning a sister - Be kind and gentle to yourself too and let your niece know, by your actions that is okay to feel the pain and try to walk through this difficult journey.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I truly can't find the words.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Sistershelp--
So sorry that you've lost your sister. My prayers go out to you and your neice and your family....
I just heard a great show a week or so ago on NPR and I've been searching for a link for you but no luck yet - I'll send it to you if I find it. It was about the effect of losing parents during adolescence and about summer camps & support groups for teens who have lost a parent a both parents.
The guests were saying how for teens it is an enormous relief to meet other teens who have been through or are going through the same thing because adolescents already can feel isolated as they strive to find their identity, and can focus on how they feel different from other people etc.
peace & (((((((((((hugs))))))))))
b.
So sorry that you've lost your sister. My prayers go out to you and your neice and your family....
I just heard a great show a week or so ago on NPR and I've been searching for a link for you but no luck yet - I'll send it to you if I find it. It was about the effect of losing parents during adolescence and about summer camps & support groups for teens who have lost a parent a both parents.
The guests were saying how for teens it is an enormous relief to meet other teens who have been through or are going through the same thing because adolescents already can feel isolated as they strive to find their identity, and can focus on how they feel different from other people etc.
peace & (((((((((((hugs))))))))))
b.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 561
More thank yous to everybody for your compassion. Every time I read here it reopens the flood gates but I think it's good for me. It's helping me to feel it, all of it. We've been numb so long.
I'm trying to remember that my niece is going through her own process of grieving, apart from mine. Together and apart we are mourning. I am the one who is constantly in tears, surprisingly. She is the one wanting to do normal things and let herself have breaks from thinking about it. I'm giving her the time and space to do that. She's going to the movies with her uncle, playing games on her computer, taking breaks between waves of remembering. It's good for her. She knows we can talk whenever she wants to. She knows she doesn't have to talk about it, or even think about it, if she needs not to.
I'm appreciate of my family and friends (here at home, and cheerleaders here online) who have sent us their warm thoughts and caring. It all helps.
I'm trying to remember that my niece is going through her own process of grieving, apart from mine. Together and apart we are mourning. I am the one who is constantly in tears, surprisingly. She is the one wanting to do normal things and let herself have breaks from thinking about it. I'm giving her the time and space to do that. She's going to the movies with her uncle, playing games on her computer, taking breaks between waves of remembering. It's good for her. She knows we can talk whenever she wants to. She knows she doesn't have to talk about it, or even think about it, if she needs not to.
I'm appreciate of my family and friends (here at home, and cheerleaders here online) who have sent us their warm thoughts and caring. It all helps.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by SistersHelp 
I'm trying to remember that my niece is going through her own process of grieving, apart from mine. Together and apart we are mourning. I am the one who is constantly in tears, surprisingly. She is the one wanting to do normal things and let herself have breaks from thinking about it. I'm giving her the time and space to do that.
I am still affected by my EXAH's death. I often remind myself that he isn't suffering anymore.
Sending warm hugs to you on the Kansas winds! :ghug3
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 561
We all have our ways of grieving, don't we?
She has healthier ways of coping than I do, maybe because she's had to do so much coping in her young life. Left to my own devices I tend to internalize. I stop eating, I cry in the car and in the shower, I get silent. It takes me a long time, this way, to work through my pain.
She's not like that, thank goodness. She comes and gets me when she's needing to cry, she talks about her feelings, she lets me soothe her. She asks me questions and listens to me try and answer them. She tells me what's happening inside her, and she feels better after the cry and can smile again.
And her process makes mine easier on me, amazingly. She helps me get in touch with my own grief, makes me talk about it, and helps me process it as I help her process her own. She is a blessing to me. I cry with her openly. We hold each other. My sweet husband, who never really knew my sister, takes care of the dishes and the laundry so we can deal with our grief together. I'm so lucky to have these people in my life.
My parents are coping too. They live far away so we're on the phone a lot. Their friends have formed a tight circle around them and are taking care of them. I'm so glad for that.
My niece continues to teach me all the time, bringing me closer to being who I want to be. I'm so grateful.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Lisa))) - I'm glad that you, your neice and your parents are all finding ways to deal with your grief. God bless your husband for being there to take care of things, and you and allowing you to work through your grief.
Though I do believe part of this is that your niece has had to cope with things most of her life, I also believe that most of how she is handling things is because she is with you and your husband. She knows she is safe and she's loved.
As sad as it is, I believe you and your niece are also feeling some sort of relief. You've both been worried that you'd get "that phone call" for quite some time. You've also been dealing with the numerous phone calls, your niece has been hearing of "when you come back and live with me" stuff, and it's been wearing on you both for quite some time.
It's OKAY to feel this. It doesn't mean you're heartless. It doesn't mean you had wished this upon her. It simply means that your body is releasing all that stress...no more, no less. Let it go, okay?
Love, hugs, and prayers!
Amy
Though I do believe part of this is that your niece has had to cope with things most of her life, I also believe that most of how she is handling things is because she is with you and your husband. She knows she is safe and she's loved.
As sad as it is, I believe you and your niece are also feeling some sort of relief. You've both been worried that you'd get "that phone call" for quite some time. You've also been dealing with the numerous phone calls, your niece has been hearing of "when you come back and live with me" stuff, and it's been wearing on you both for quite some time.
It's OKAY to feel this. It doesn't mean you're heartless. It doesn't mean you had wished this upon her. It simply means that your body is releasing all that stress...no more, no less. Let it go, okay?
Love, hugs, and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
(((Sister's Help))),
I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope that you and your husband and niece can now, after time given to grieve and heal, feel like the true family you've created and enjoy the peace and serenity that eventually will come after a crisis like yours.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope that you and your husband and niece can now, after time given to grieve and heal, feel like the true family you've created and enjoy the peace and serenity that eventually will come after a crisis like yours.
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
(((Lisa))) I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending lots of hugs and prayers for you, your niece and the family. I'm sure that just as your niece is a blessing to you, you are a blessing to her.
Hugs,
Chris
Hugs,
Chris
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