coffeedrinker

I was sitting here after a productive day (yay, it was a good day...until).

I was reading through some posts, and just read the most recent one from sammypoo. I read all of the reponses, and felt the truth, and the love come off that computer screen.

I started to cry.

We all experience our moments of clarity differently, and at different times. I see this over and over again - on this board, and in myself. Sometimes I wonder why it takes so darn long for me to get things.

I had a good day yesterday, and met someone - we had pizza and sat getting to know one another for three hours. No pressure, no weirdness, no gut feelings to try and decipher. Very pleasant. Then today, as I said, had been good.

XABF's mother is in town for a wedding. She called me about it the other day and I told her that he and I weren't seeing each other any more, and although I thought about it, I decided I cannot attend with him. I told her I hoped she could swing by and pick him up, or visit him, as she lives three states away and they see each other once a year or less. She said "nope, not gonna. It's hard enough to drive 9 hours to get to Minnesota." WTF?

Especially weird is that the wedding is one and a half miles from my house.

I have a history of "doing" other people's anger and indignation for them. I know this. Told myself that it is not my issue that she continues the abandonment done during childhood.
But....I texted him today that I could get him to my place and he could take our second car to the wedding, or to his mother's hotel. I struggled with this for days, and to me it seems heartless to not offer this kind of help.

No reply.

So, I wanna smoke.

Fast forward to me being home and reading the Sammypoo thread. To me crying. Knowing that every time I feel a set-back, every time I buy that next last pack of smokes, every time I have this anxious, unsettled feeling inside ~
that's he is in the story somewhere.

It was a realization.
The realization of the above paragraph.
The realization that I love you guys; you are so good for me.
The realization that I haven't gotten completely off the train. I have to get completely off. And it frickin kills me. I just wanna be like Babs in her post, and like a lot of you all, who GET IT not like someone who must be missing a few cards in her deck and can't move on as quickly as everyone else.

dollydo

There is no locked in time table. Each of us travels through life at their own pace, we all take different paths.

All of us came here for the same reason, we needed help and support and to be honest this site was a life saver for me. I knew what I had to do, I just couldn't do it. About 6 months after I joined this pack of codies, I dumped him, it finally made sense and when I got, I really got it!

You are not ready for no contact, you are not ready to let go, it's ok, when you are ready it will happen, the truth be known, some codies never make the break, that's ok too, it is their decision, how and who they live their life with.

Keep reading, keep posting, we are here for you!

BBD

Oh coffeedrinker. I do feel for you right now. I think we all get it at different times. Your doing a nice thing trying to get your X and his mother together but if she isn't willing~~how will him showing up at the wedding change things for the two of them. I am a mother to an addict and we have had some difficult times here but he's still my son. He's trying so hard to get it together this time so maybe some magic is going on for us. But you have to take care of yourself and by the sounds of things your doing Ok. At least in my book. So, no more tears and stop putting yourself down. This isn't an easy way to live. Smiles, Bonnie

Krys

I'm sorry that happened, and I am so impressed and glad that you figured it out. You should cut yourself some slack, you are doing a great job and came to that realization so quickly! I feel your pain though. Sometimes I read through posts and although I am happy for those who get it and get on with their lives, I am also jealous. I just have not hit that point yet and sometimes I wish I would. My ABF is not using, but his idea of recovery and mine are different. He is happy with where he is and what he is doing, but I need more. It's not good enough for ME right now and that sucks. I also smoke, and during times like these I can't even think of quitting! Cut yourself some slack there too, it was probably a habit for a long time for you, and it won't go away over night. You are stronger than I am, I have wanted to quit, but don't dare try it right now!

Freedom1990

Honey, not only was I missing a few cards in my deck, but what was left of the deck was taped together in jagged pieces and tattered as hell!

It took me 13 long years after I first got into recovery for my addictions/alcoholism to hit my codependent bottom as far as men/relationships/sex were concerned.

That's 13 years of pain, regret, tears, hysteria, insanity, pleading, praying, repeating the same mistakes over and over, only with different men.

I did not get to where I am today overnight. I did not get here in a week, a month, or even a year.

What I am today is the result of a lot of hard work for the last 10 years and 11 months since I hit that bottom in July of 1999.

I give the phrase "slow learner" a whole new definition.

Now, do you feel better? :ghug3

wicked

coffeedrinker,

i want to let you know how your post moved me.
very insightful on your part. and helpful to me.
you have always had the cards you needed, just needed to re-shuffle.

oh, and add me to the over-ten-year club.
yep, took a lot of work.
i am 51 now, but i feel as if my life has just begun.

Kelrunran

Just when I have a couple of good days (in a row) I think that maybe I "get it" and I"m over it - but eventually it continues to bring me to my knees, because of my AS.

I also read sammypoo's post I figured she must be having a bad day and believe me, I have been there. I didn't want to hear it and some days I still don't or I miss the whole point! I pray everyday for all those who deal with this. I have hope that we'll be at peace some day and full of happiness.

Hang in there.... sounds like you get it - more than you think you do! Kelly

ItsmeAlice

Why oh why must you post such a revelation and then kick yourself for not getting it sooner? I know we all do it, but why? Why can't it be with love and patience that we go through this process?

Do you know, I often think there's something wrong with me because I don't invite my XABF back into my life at all. I actually wonder sometimes why I don't contact my XABF? Why I don't unblock him from my phone and wait to see if he calls? and why I don't feel strong urges to follow him online?

I did love him, really I did, and I did have a very hard time deciding to leave him. So what could it be?

Can what I have be bottled and shared with those here who strugge? I do so wish it were possible!

Coffee, I hope those tears bring you a catharsis and tomorrow is a better and brighter day than even today was

Alice

cessy68

Coffee,
What a beautiful thread you composed-- heartfelt, honest, raw, sincere.

Be GLAD that you get yourself. Be PROUD that you recognize WHERE you are right now. BE THANKFUL that you are staring your demons down, rather than running from them. AND continue to WRITE............ your words are healing for others, even if you don't feel like you have come far. We all have a path-- there is no rule book on "when" "where" "why" and "how" to do this stuff.

Love,Peace, and blessings,
Cess

Chino

I had to go no contact until I learned how to not take anything personally. The toxic people who I remain in contact with are not toxic to me any longer (mother and sister). They've met my boundaries and consequences and know we'll part ways at the first sign of toxic behavior. Their behavior no longer offends me, it's only an annoyance I don't make the time for any more. I don't lie to myself and believe we have warm intimate relationships, or that there's a possibility of it, either. Regardless, I love them both very much. I just no longer need their approval.

coffee, it took tens of thousands of dollars, many hours of therapy, and 12 big steps for me to get to this place.

hello-kitty

Sometimes I feel guilty for not picking up the phone, calling my ex and telling him what a jerk he is for not contacting his son. I just want to scream at him, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?! WHY WON'T YOU HELP ME RAISE THIS BOY?!!!

Like this is some shortcoming on my part.

I know what's wrong with him. He's an addict. That fact requires certain behaviors out of me to ensure my basic safety, sanity and serenity. Begging, pleading, cajoling, screaming - nothing I do will change his behavior. Nothing his son does will change his behavior.

I just have to go on faith and make wise choices that I'm doing the right thing.

It's not me. It's him.

I will not put my little family in a position where he can hurt us more than he already had. That would be devestating.

It's not me. It's him.

coffeedrinker

I was getting to a more peaceful place much later in the day. I packed up a couple of boxes and drove them to my mother's house instead of wallowing in the frustration and sadness. I went to sleep hoping he would continue the no reply, but at 5 a.m. a message came in which said "sounds good".

I don't think it's expectations anymore - I've given up those.
But still, Cynical, you chose some very good words: hope, denial, illusion, the past, our dreams, the need to win, what is familiar, pride, ego, etc. .
All of these words fit for me.

The deal is that his behaviors simply trigger this anxious and angry response in me.
Why I'm still bending over to try and do some good for this man really baffles me. He did something pretty horrible to me a few weeks ago, and for that reason I told him "no" to going to a concert together, I told him "no" to accompanying him to this wedding tonight, yet still I wanted to assist him in maintaining some relationships with his family, the people he has been mostly estranged with for years and years.

And, Bonnie, how true: how will him showing up at the wedding change things for the two of them.
I guess the part of me that thinks that these little positive things will be beneficial to him getting his life on track is what causes me to try so hard. I mean, all of his family will be here IN OUR TOWN, when they all live out of town - some he hasn't seen for many years.

I AM letting go, I really am. It's just this painstaking, baby-steps process for me. As you said, Cynical, those feelings keep me re-evaluating and thinking "ok, this is the kind of relationship it will be from now on. But it keeps changing, because he keeps ticking me off, or violating me, or just.....

Bottom line is that in my interactions with him 1 out of 5 ends up positive, but the other 4 leaves me feeling crappy. I no longer think HE will change, I have gotten a lot out of the principal of acceptance, but still I know my answer.

Once again, it just plain sucks.

Thank you everyone who responded. Your loving encouragement is worth so much.

tam

we all have these feelings. I too want to help my addict,but I know that anything I do or say will not help him. there are times I want to pick up the phone and say I miss you, please get help for us, but I did that for a long time and nothing changed. I will now accept his calls only for him to tell me when he is going to pay his health ins.premium.(another boundry) but I wont take anymore disrepect, manipulation or lies. he now knows that, but it took a long time for me to apply this boundry. I do however have hope but I dont sit there each and every day expecting that hope or miracle to happen, we need to live a life that we so much deserve. when I do think of breaking down I relive the horror of addiction in my mind and think what it did to me and us and I cant go there again. I read the posts here and see that we all have so much in common even though our personal circumstances or lifestyle might be different, we all are dealing with addiction and we all struggle, we all have good days and bad days. we dont have a drug to make us numb. there is no quick fix for us, we take it one day at a time but if we dont stick to boundaries and seek support we just allow the addiction to destroy us over and over again. I am expecting his call today as the money is due today, not something Im looking forward too (was up very late rehearsing) but I will try my hardest to stay in control and have those boundarie I made here in front of me. thank you all for sharing your story and being so upfront it has really helped me tremdendously as I dont struggle with my situation alone anymore, truly has kept me focused on me and doing whats right for me and for him as well, but thats his choice as to what road he takes not me.

Sammypoo456

I am sorry for upsetting you.. I don't quite know what post your talkin about can you tell me. Once again i am sorry

sofacat

I cried myself to sleep last night....some days I'm good, others...not so much! Even though, I "get it" it still hurts. A lot! But there's no other way than to go forward, I just have to force myself....just looking forward to the day it comes naturally and without so much damn effort!!

We need time, yes? It's been one hellova ride.

I have noticed something though...every time I find myself enjoying the company of a different man...a cloud covers Me after.

I guess the reality of the "finality" is a tough pill to swallow (forgive the pun).

Day at a time, Coffee.

keepinon

Havent been on this site long but just wanted to say I always enjoy your posts and find you inspirational...progress not perfection... be gentle with yourself. ..let go or be dragged.words of advice from an alanon friend of mine that could apply in your situation...I think its great you "caught " yourself!

ladyhawk69

Thank you to everyone who posted on this thread. Sometimes I define myself as crazy for not being over what I went through despite others thinking I should be over it and all better by now. It is our own journey and we all do things in our own time. I began to think about that today in my garden. When you look down at all the seeds you planted at the very same time, on the very same day with the very same care, have you ever noticed that they all come up differently? Some, not at all..............