Peole are quick to Judge
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Suffolk, VA
Posts: 38
Peole are quick to Judge
Ya know i see many people up here always saying what you should do and what they did and its not so easy. But everyone's life story is different everyone has been through the same thing in different ways.
It may be easier to detach yourself from someone than others. I do have a son and I am young and i make no excuses for what i have put myself through. I have stayed with an addict for 2 1/2 years and i have been put threw hell. I partially believe i did this to myself. I could have left and like everyone has said you always hope they will get clean and hope you will get that one person you fell in love with back. Truth is i don't think you ever get the same person back, they may get clean but they will never be the same.
I love my son more than any other, and before anyone gets upset or mad that i kept stayin i actually left a couple times never for to long and then my abf said he wanted help and this is actually the first time he went to rehab. He only would do detox before and i think that shows a difference. He went and no i am not for sure he will stay clean for all i know he could relapse the moment he gets out. But there is a thing called hope and faith.
This is his last chance and he knows it, so if he loses us its his own fault not ours. But i don't like feeling like people judge or say its better to do it this way or that way. The thing is we all do it our own way and we all deal with things different than others. No one's way is right or wrong. We all have to learn ourselves. and trust me i learned. I hit bottom the same time my abf did and i'm coming back on top and im going to start controlling my life and stop lettin him!!!
It may be easier to detach yourself from someone than others. I do have a son and I am young and i make no excuses for what i have put myself through. I have stayed with an addict for 2 1/2 years and i have been put threw hell. I partially believe i did this to myself. I could have left and like everyone has said you always hope they will get clean and hope you will get that one person you fell in love with back. Truth is i don't think you ever get the same person back, they may get clean but they will never be the same.
I love my son more than any other, and before anyone gets upset or mad that i kept stayin i actually left a couple times never for to long and then my abf said he wanted help and this is actually the first time he went to rehab. He only would do detox before and i think that shows a difference. He went and no i am not for sure he will stay clean for all i know he could relapse the moment he gets out. But there is a thing called hope and faith.
This is his last chance and he knows it, so if he loses us its his own fault not ours. But i don't like feeling like people judge or say its better to do it this way or that way. The thing is we all do it our own way and we all deal with things different than others. No one's way is right or wrong. We all have to learn ourselves. and trust me i learned. I hit bottom the same time my abf did and i'm coming back on top and im going to start controlling my life and stop lettin him!!!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Originally Posted by Sammypoo456 
But i don't like feeling like people judge or say its better to do it this way or that way. The thing is we all do it our own way and we all deal with things different than others. No one's way is right or wrong.
Some people here will offer you sympathy and compassion, others will ask hard questions for you to think about. Every once in a blue moon I've wanted compassion, but it was the hard questions that prodded me out of my comfort zone of denial, and into a better place.
"Take what you need and leave the rest"
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Sammy,
I've read your posts and the responses and I see no judgement from others. We try to share what we have experienced, and that can sometimes come across as harsh, but it is the harsh truth of our experience.
What I've read in the repsonses is encouragement to seek your own happiness. And I know it can be hard to wrap your head around something thats so different than what we've become accustomes to.
You have yourself and the baby to worry about, quite a responsibilty on its own. The last thing you need to do is waste prescious time on worrying over something that you have no control of, which is his recovery.
If he wants it, the help is there. If he does well, then he leaves with his dignity and pride intact. Take that opportunity away, and he may feel doubt as to whether he can make it on his own.
Stick around a bit, and you'll see that the words you are reading are full of support, not judgement
(((Hugs)))
I've read your posts and the responses and I see no judgement from others. We try to share what we have experienced, and that can sometimes come across as harsh, but it is the harsh truth of our experience.
What I've read in the repsonses is encouragement to seek your own happiness. And I know it can be hard to wrap your head around something thats so different than what we've become accustomes to.
You have yourself and the baby to worry about, quite a responsibilty on its own. The last thing you need to do is waste prescious time on worrying over something that you have no control of, which is his recovery.
If he wants it, the help is there. If he does well, then he leaves with his dignity and pride intact. Take that opportunity away, and he may feel doubt as to whether he can make it on his own.
Stick around a bit, and you'll see that the words you are reading are full of support, not judgement
(((Hugs)))
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: atlanta
Posts: 90
Sammy, First of all most of us who have tried to help an addict are the most loving, big hearted people in the world. We try and try to help, and feel so frustrated when our efforts do not work.
I know it seems sometimes like others are judging you, because you feel like you have to defend your choices...please dont feel like you have to justify anything you do to anyone.
I can tell you that in the meetings I go to, we dont judge or tell anyone what they should or shouldnt do.
I do occasionally try and open someone's eyes to what THEY are allowing to happen to THEM. I have been around people who chose to stay with an active addict and somehow made it work for them, and others (like me) who reached thier breaking point and could no longer live my life that way. I think whatever works for YOU personally is the way to go. As you have probably heard "take what you want and leave the rest", that is the best "advice" that anyone ever gave me. I had to figure out what I wanted in my life and what I was willing to live with or not live with. It took him being incarcerated AGAIN before I could have the seperation that I needed to take a good look at my own life.
I tried many times (before Nar-Anon) to figure out this addiction thing because (I thought) if I could understand it, I could somehow help him fight it. I have since learned that that is not the case. I could be a world renouned addiction specialist but because I am not an addict, I will never understand it completely. My XAH told me that one time, that I would never understand what he went through and he would never understand what I had gone through either.
Maybe the best way to equate recovery as a personal choice is think about if you were going to lose weight, now everyone can "encourage" you or tell you what you should or shouldnt do, but ultimately it is completely in your control. That is the way an addict is, no matter what anyone around them thinks or says, unless it is something they WANT to do, it wont happen. You have to adopt a hands-off approach, that doesnt mean you desert them, but you let them figure out their recovery path on thier own.
Same thing goes for your own recovery.
There are great books and websites out there if you cannot get to a meeting but I cannot stress to you how much the meetings mean to me, even now, that I do not deal with an active addict anymore.
I know it seems sometimes like others are judging you, because you feel like you have to defend your choices...please dont feel like you have to justify anything you do to anyone.
I can tell you that in the meetings I go to, we dont judge or tell anyone what they should or shouldnt do.
I do occasionally try and open someone's eyes to what THEY are allowing to happen to THEM. I have been around people who chose to stay with an active addict and somehow made it work for them, and others (like me) who reached thier breaking point and could no longer live my life that way. I think whatever works for YOU personally is the way to go. As you have probably heard "take what you want and leave the rest", that is the best "advice" that anyone ever gave me. I had to figure out what I wanted in my life and what I was willing to live with or not live with. It took him being incarcerated AGAIN before I could have the seperation that I needed to take a good look at my own life.
I tried many times (before Nar-Anon) to figure out this addiction thing because (I thought) if I could understand it, I could somehow help him fight it. I have since learned that that is not the case. I could be a world renouned addiction specialist but because I am not an addict, I will never understand it completely. My XAH told me that one time, that I would never understand what he went through and he would never understand what I had gone through either.
Maybe the best way to equate recovery as a personal choice is think about if you were going to lose weight, now everyone can "encourage" you or tell you what you should or shouldnt do, but ultimately it is completely in your control. That is the way an addict is, no matter what anyone around them thinks or says, unless it is something they WANT to do, it wont happen. You have to adopt a hands-off approach, that doesnt mean you desert them, but you let them figure out their recovery path on thier own.
Same thing goes for your own recovery.
There are great books and websites out there if you cannot get to a meeting but I cannot stress to you how much the meetings mean to me, even now, that I do not deal with an active addict anymore.
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
sammypoo, I agree with the others, we only can share our experience, what has or has not worked for us. And I can tell you that it has been the hard questions, that maybe on the surface would offend me and make me feel that I was being judged, when in truth those questions were meant to help me think things thru.
As we say "take what you like and leave the rest" Hoping the experience, strength and hope of this site will help you in your journey, as it has helped me.
Hugs,
Chris
As we say "take what you like and leave the rest" Hoping the experience, strength and hope of this site will help you in your journey, as it has helped me.
Hugs,
Chris
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Somewhere cold and flat
Posts: 148
I felt the same way you did last year and this year coming to the board. I didn't like what people had to say. I didn't want to face my reality. They were pointing out things in my life that I needed to work on and that were just facts at some points. I was very offended and hurt. I had to take a step back and realize that I was and still am in denial. It hurts a lot to face my life and make decisions and to realize what my life has become and where it might end up. People on here do care and they don't want to see others go through the same thing that they did, or they can see our situation from another angle that we are blind to seeing. I've always heard that we do know our situation best, which I still believe is true. But, we need to listen to help, we need to listen to those that have been there, we need to get support, we need help. Obviously my life is not going well and I need other around me for help and support. I can't do this alone. I found that I've blamed people and avoided people in my life that are trying to help me and love me because I'm truely afraid to make changes in my life and don't want to see things the way they really are. I'm in a phase right now where I'm listening and not making any huge decisions. I've made decisions right now to seperate from my husband and be safe, so I can take my time to make other big decisions when I am ready or need to. This is a process for me and part of the first process is admitting that my life is a mess and that I can't wish my husband and my marriage into being better. That itself is a huge step. I believe God gives us people in our lives to help us and make us into a better person. That is why I stuck with it here and with others and have really opened my mind to what others have to say. I'm not trying to attack you either, just sharing that I felt the same way. I cried the first couple of weeks on here and then was angry because of what people were saying. It still hurts sometimes, but I realize that people are truely just trying to help on here and I need help. I can take what works for me and leave what doesn't, but I can evaluate my situation with the help of others in order to make informed decisions. Hugs.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
praiseHim,
I think you have made great strides in your recovery.
Breaking through that denial it tough, and it is painful.
I know this from experience, both as an alcoholic and as a codependent.
Sammypoo,
I hope when you are feeling a little less defensive, you will come back and read the replies to your first post.
I saw loving but truthful replies.
These caring people only want to spare you the pain, and hopefully open your eyes.
As far as attacking, I don't see that.
Maybe you should examine why you felt attacked?
Beth
I think you have made great strides in your recovery.
Breaking through that denial it tough, and it is painful.
I know this from experience, both as an alcoholic and as a codependent.
Sammypoo,
I hope when you are feeling a little less defensive, you will come back and read the replies to your first post.
I saw loving but truthful replies.
These caring people only want to spare you the pain, and hopefully open your eyes.
As far as attacking, I don't see that.
Maybe you should examine why you felt attacked?
Beth
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
If you don't feel good about the decisions you have made for you, and more importantly your son..make new ones.. I think all anyone can say here is what they feel, based on experience. I think a lot of people (myself included) become a little bit prickly when we see children dragged in and out of these situations, their little lives colored by THEIR life experience that we create for them..
You got a lot of solid advice, compassion and guidance in all of the threads you've posted.
I hope you do whatever you feel is best for your child, that is my only message. If that is wrong, I don't apologize.
You got a lot of solid advice, compassion and guidance in all of the threads you've posted.
I hope you do whatever you feel is best for your child, that is my only message. If that is wrong, I don't apologize.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: MD
Posts: 12
We've pretty much all made the same choices that you've made. I think most all, if not all, of us have been in denial at some point. Been the enabler. Been blind to the signs. Didn't want to believe. And we are all in different stages of our own recovery. And that's why you, or whoever, might not agree with something another person says on here. Because just like with addiction's recovery, there are stages we go throguh, lessons we learn. And we are just answering questions based on our own stage and lessons. I don't believe anyone is judging at all and no one means for things to come out negatively. It's just that we are trying to help somone not go through the things we went through. Or at least that is what I'd liek to do. Make it a little easier for someone. Have someone lear from my mistakes or my situations.
I'd like to see you stick around. Keep an open mind. Try not to get angered. We are here to help.
I'd like to see you stick around. Keep an open mind. Try not to get angered. We are here to help.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Somewhere cold and flat
Posts: 148
Originally Posted by wicked
praiseHim,
I think you have made great strides in your recovery.
Breaking through that denial it tough, and it is painful.
I know this from experience, both as an alcoholic and as a codependent.
I think you have made great strides in your recovery.
Breaking through that denial it tough, and it is painful.
I know this from experience, both as an alcoholic and as a codependent.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Sammy, I've read through your threads, and didn't see anyone as being judgmental.
If you're anything like me, when I was with my EXAH, my self-esteem was crap. Therefore I was extra thin-skinned and took everything personally.
There is a tremendous amount of collective wisdom here at SR, and all any of us can do is share what we've been through, and make suggestions.
You will have to walk your own path, just as each of us have done.
If you're anything like me, when I was with my EXAH, my self-esteem was crap. Therefore I was extra thin-skinned and took everything personally.
There is a tremendous amount of collective wisdom here at SR, and all any of us can do is share what we've been through, and make suggestions.
You will have to walk your own path, just as each of us have done.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Somewhere cold and flat
Posts: 148
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
.
If you're anything like me, when I was with my EXAH, my self-esteem was crap. Therefore I was extra thin-skinned and took everything personally.
If you're anything like me, when I was with my EXAH, my self-esteem was crap. Therefore I was extra thin-skinned and took everything personally.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 212
Sammy I felt the same way when I first came here. I almost quit the first day! People were so honest and I was not ready to accept it. I thought "I came here for help and they are making me cry!! This is awful!" lol. I can honestly say that their honesty and questions were the best support I could have asked for. I thought I was coming in here to have people support me the way they usually do "everything will work out, it's ok" that kind of thing, but what I found was much more loving and valuable: HONESTY. It pushed me to ask myself difficult questions and face reality. Reality was not pretty, it was scary, but at least now I know where I am and I am living a more authentic life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Suffolk, VA
Posts: 38
Yall are right, it is probably because of my low self esteem. I will learn more over the course of this how to build my self esteem up. I'm going to do some real couseling.
Thanks for letting me know that other people actually felt the same at the begining. This is all new to me. I never talked to anyone about what was really going on and especially never talked to people who went through what i was goin through. I do need to open my eyes.
Thank all of you for the insight in all my threads and i will go back through and look at them in another perspective!!!!!
Thanks for letting me know that other people actually felt the same at the begining. This is all new to me. I never talked to anyone about what was really going on and especially never talked to people who went through what i was goin through. I do need to open my eyes.
Thank all of you for the insight in all my threads and i will go back through and look at them in another perspective!!!!!
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Sammypoo,
this is great insight on your part. really good. i wish i had your ability to look at things from another perspective at your age.
you are not alone. i know how lonely it can be, and how you think no one can understand your confusion and pain. i stayed stuck in that confusion and pain for many years.
there is great support here, and everyone here wants to share their experience, strength and hope with you.
beth
this is great insight on your part. really good. i wish i had your ability to look at things from another perspective at your age.
you are not alone. i know how lonely it can be, and how you think no one can understand your confusion and pain. i stayed stuck in that confusion and pain for many years.
there is great support here, and everyone here wants to share their experience, strength and hope with you.
beth
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Yall are right, it is probably because of my low self esteem. I will learn more over the course of this how to build my self esteem up. I'm going to do some real couseling.
Thank all of you for the insight in all my threads and i will go back through and look at them in another perspective!!!!!
Bravo to you!!!
I say this not because you relented and said the responders were right, no way, I say this because you took a breath and just considered it, just considered another point of view to what you were feeling.
When I came to SR I was at the end of my tether. I had lost the hope of retrieving my relationship with my XABF but I just couldn't accept that I had done all I could to help him. There were many times I felt defensive at the tough questions being posed to me and the ideas being presented that I couldn't cure him and couldn't make him seek recovery. But I took a deep breath and considered that if what I had been doing for 10+ years with my X was working, I wouldn't have come here at all and maybe these folks who had all been where I was at one point really had something to offer me.
Not everything said here is going to click with you, of course. But you really do end up hearing what you need to hear right when you need to hear it. (A shout-out to Humblebee
So happy you are here to share today!
Alice
Thank all of you for the insight in all my threads and i will go back through and look at them in another perspective!!!!!
Bravo to you!!!
I say this not because you relented and said the responders were right, no way, I say this because you took a breath and just considered it, just considered another point of view to what you were feeling.
When I came to SR I was at the end of my tether. I had lost the hope of retrieving my relationship with my XABF but I just couldn't accept that I had done all I could to help him. There were many times I felt defensive at the tough questions being posed to me and the ideas being presented that I couldn't cure him and couldn't make him seek recovery. But I took a deep breath and considered that if what I had been doing for 10+ years with my X was working, I wouldn't have come here at all and maybe these folks who had all been where I was at one point really had something to offer me.
Not everything said here is going to click with you, of course. But you really do end up hearing what you need to hear right when you need to hear it. (A shout-out to Humblebee
So happy you are here to share today!
Alice
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Sammypoo...
Big hugs to you.
I can tell you that I was (and still am, at times), my own worst critic. I would look at my life and be absolutely horrified. I would wonder how I got where I was. I felt so weak...so stupid... There was nothing anyone could have said to me to make me feel worse about my life...my choices. And there wasn't anything anyone could say that would make me feel better, either. I had created my own personal hell and I was the only one who could find my way out.
Things will get better Sammypoo. As soon as you start making choices in your life that are based solely upon what's best for you your life will start to change. Baby steps will add up to big leaps. It really doesn't take that long to change the tide. The thing is...you gotta LOVE yourself to do it. Focus on the things you love about yourself...and build on your strengths. There is a way out of the hole. It sounds like you've already started your journey out.
I'm glad you're here with us.
Big hugs to you.
I can tell you that I was (and still am, at times), my own worst critic. I would look at my life and be absolutely horrified. I would wonder how I got where I was. I felt so weak...so stupid... There was nothing anyone could have said to me to make me feel worse about my life...my choices. And there wasn't anything anyone could say that would make me feel better, either. I had created my own personal hell and I was the only one who could find my way out.
Things will get better Sammypoo. As soon as you start making choices in your life that are based solely upon what's best for you your life will start to change. Baby steps will add up to big leaps. It really doesn't take that long to change the tide. The thing is...you gotta LOVE yourself to do it. Focus on the things you love about yourself...and build on your strengths. There is a way out of the hole. It sounds like you've already started your journey out.
I'm glad you're here with us.
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