lilybart

I've never posted before, but here goes.
I've been involved for several months in a fairly intense relationship with a recovering heroin addict. He's tried to get clean before but this time he says he's doing it for himself and not for his parents or to get out of some trouble. He has been clean now for six months and he is taking it very seriously from what I can tell. He was very upfront with me from our first conversation about his past drug problems, and I also questioned him at length about getting into a relationship at such an early stage-I've never dated an addict but have a few friends in recovery so I was naturally concerned. He was vehement that he was finally, truly ready for a real, healthy, sober relationship. And things were wonderful for a little bit.
Now things have changed. He stopped talking to me completely and told me he needed a lot of space, which I willingly gave him. I haven't had a relationship with anybody in a very long time, and it's been even longer still since I had these kinds of real, intense feelings. Since I was 24, to be honest. I'm 38 now. So he finally contacted me about two weeks ago and told me that he knows that this is his last shot, and he has to focus on himself completely to get better. Again, I completely support that. But he also told me that he wants me to wait on him until he feels like he is ready to be with me. He said that he has destroyed relationships before because he replaces the drugs with an addiction to the other person and he doesn't want that to happen. He also told me that he wants to be the person he knows that I deserve, and that he wants to be with me more than anything in the world, but only when he gets to a place in his life where he knows we actually have a chance at becoming something real and strong. He actually said "I don't want our relationship to change, I still want us to be together, I just can't see you or talk to you that much right now." And then we wrapped up by me saying I wanted to be with him too, and I would wait, and him saying that if I get to the point where I need more than he can give me he will not be able to be mad if I give up and walk away.
So my question is-now what? I'm pretty miserable. I am trying to not be selfish and think "I'm not getting any attention, I'm not getting ANYTHING!" I know that's not what this is about. I want us to have a chance, and I know a lot of that is up to me. But I also have TONS of my own emotional issues about being used and strung along, and how I've never been enough for anyone I've dated. The rational part of me knows that I could really love this man, and to just be patient, and to believe him when he tells me he wants me too. The scared little girl just wants to turn and run and keep my bruised heart from being shattered.
I'm at a crossroads and have no idea what to do next, or what to expect he is going to do next.

dollydo

Welcome,

Sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too. His words speak volumes, he is not ready for a serious relationship, yet, he wants you sit back and wait to see if he is ever ready.
Manipuation at it's finest.

You said you have issues yourself, I would work on those first, before I hang my heart on his sleeve.

What is the hurry? He is only at the starting gate when it comes to recovery. He has years and years of recovery ahead of him.

I hope he makes it, however, in the meantime, work on you.

lilybart

Yeah, that's how I've been feeling too-like he wants me to wait around just in case. I've been working on all of my emotional crap for years-I've become really good at staying out of relationships until I know I'm ready. I never just date to have somebody, it really has to mean something. That's what I felt I had done here-I was ready, really ready for a relationship, and he seemed to feel the same way. But now, everything he's been doing is pushing every single panic button I have-it's hard for me to believe that he really wants me and believes in our relationship when he is doing EXACTLY what so many men have done before. It brings all my insecurities right to the top, and makes it hard to trust what he is saying. Even though I want to.
You are right-I need to start working on me again and stop dwelling on "why don't I ever get to be happy?" or "how did I let myself get into this place of heartbreak yet again?"
Thanks.

Christen

Dear Lily,

Sounds like you have a tough decision to make. I can't tell you to wait on him or move on. You have to do what's best for you. But I am married to an addict, so I can give you a couple "food for thoughts".

Even though your situation is hard, at least he's laying it out on the table for you. Most addicts in his shoes would just stop calling all together & disappear. So it's obvious that this guy cares for you. I won't tell you what to do, but what's the hurry? I'd recommend telling him- I'm not going to completely 100% "wait" for you. I'm going to work on me & do what's best for me. He's doing what's best for him. And you should do the same. If you get asked on a date by another guy, and you want to go- go. Just get on with your life; take it as it comes. Don't decide you are going to wait, & sit around being miserable & lonely. Tell him if he calls a few months or years down the road, that depending on what you have going on, you might consider it. I just don't think it's fair for you to sit around & wait. Having your cake & eating it to is high school cr*p, & you deserve more.

lilybart

Christen,
Thank you so much. That's exactly what I keep hearing myself say in my head but it just helps so much to hear someone else say it. I guess it's just that when I met him, I felt something that I didn't know I could still feel because I've worked so hard to protect myself. And I was so very happy at the beginning, happy in a way I can't even explain. So when all of a sudden it was gone and I fell into this place of loneliness and uncertainity, I couldn't hear through my bruised heart to even think straight.
I've always tried to be very careful about my relationships, and they have all been pretty terrible. So when I take that flying leap and really start to love someone, it scares the crap out of me. But I told him that when I met him, I saw something in him that I wanted in spite of being terrified. I guess I need to remember that.

Ann

What he is saying is how it often is in early recovery.l Their life depends on them keeping the focus on themselves and their own recovery.

There is good reason that most recovery programs recommend that the recovering addict not get involved in any new relationships for at least a year.

So kudos to him for doing the "do" things.

Where does that leave you? Well, you can wait and worry and pine for him even though he has made it clear he has nothing to offer right now.

Or...you can start doings things you love doing, find a hobby, do things with friends, and live your life in a healthy and productive way. Note, I didn't say "go find someone else" because nobody else holds the key to your happiness, you do and you can find happiness that doesn't revolve around anyone else.

So my answer here is neither wait nor run. Just start living your life again and do what is healthy for you. The rest will unfold and give you answers as you go.

Hugs

lilybart

Thank you all so much. I actually feel silly worrying about my small problems on here when so many people are going through so much more. I know we don't have a lot of history together. I know we haven't gone through relapse together, or had a child, or so many other things that so many of you seem to be handling with such grace.
I'm know I'm just a girl, who loves a boy, who may never be ready to love her back.
I'm just scared.

hello-kitty

Sounds like he knows what to say to you to get your emotions all tousled. When I feel that way (emotional and stressed and unhappy) I think it is a good time for me to step back from a relationship. I look at those stressed, unhappy, irrational feelings as WARNING SIGNS that something is wrong.

And not something wrong with me. But something wrong with him. Something that I have no control over. Issues that are his alone. Not mine.

So I step back and give lots of space to the other person and to myself. Because I am important and I deserve to feel safe and comfortable in a relationship. Not confused and unsure about my future.

Give yourself a break from him and his issues today. Focus on something that makes you feel HAPPY not something that makes you feel anxious. For example, I focus on working out, or going hiking or spending time with my little boy. Fresh air is always a good thing for changing my perspective.

Maybe tomorrow the answer will be a little clearer.