Hope44

she got fired from her job last night. She called my husband crying, wailing and swearing. She hung up on him four of five times before we didn't hear from her anymore. The last time she called I was trying to tell my husband he didn't have to, and shouldn't, take that from her. She has no money for food, gas, rent (though she is paid up for this month) and... no money for drugs. I wonder... will this be her rock bottom? Will she spiral down further? Are we doing the right thing? My poor husband broke down and cried after her last call... saying how hard it is to watch her destroy her life and not be able to do anything about it. I was awake almost all night last night thinking we'd get a call that she was found dead. Trying so hard here to remain calm, to have faith, but there is a sick feeling in the pit of me. Sometimes... I don't know what to think or how to feel anymore.

Just wanted to update... thanks for listening....

Ann

Hope, have you and your husband tried live meetings? If not, maybe find one and go. I promise you will be glad you did.

It's sad watching someone we love destroy themselves, but there is nothing we can do for them unless they are ready to do something for themselves. If she's not ready for rehab, if she's not going to her own meetings and finding a support system, then she's just not ready and all the love in the world can't make her ready. If love could save them, not one of us would be here.

My heart goes out to you all, and also my prayers.

Hugs

Freedom1990

I second the suggestion of live meetings.

I know how incredibly difficult and painful this is.

I had dreams and hopes for both of my daughters as they were growing up.

Active addiction is not a hope or dream I ever had.

It was a grieving process for me when I finally let go of my 32 year old AD.

I take a lot of comfort from the fact that I have placed her in God's loving hands.

You are not alone in your struggles. :ghug3

Chino

I'm pretty sure we've all been there and I'm so sorry, I know it hurts

My husband and I are partners in a construction company, and our son is one, too. I can't tell you how many close calls they've had. I swear the grim reaper stalks them at times. Then there's my RAD. Just because she's recovering today doesn't mean she won't relapse tonight. Or be the victim again in another nasty car wreck.

Going to therapy and working the steps, having a support system in place, have helped me let go and let God. I hope you and your husband find serenity, too. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

Impurrfect

(((Hope))) - I'm sorry you're hurting. I won't tell you MY bottom, because getting fired was just the beginning. I WILL tell you that I DID hit it, I survived, and I'm stronger for it. I didn't have "hotel dad" to come back to..not an option, and I will forever be grateful. If I had, I may not have hit my bottom when I did.



Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Christen

I'm sorry you're feeling down. I think all of us here know that feeling in the pit of your stomach that lingers for days, months, years... Just know that you can get support here at SR. And I also recommend live meetings. Meetings in person have done more for me than any shrink. Stay strong & remember to take care of you.

BBD

Hi Hope, My heart goes out to you hon. I can tell you that the best thing I did for myself and my hubby was to find a therapist that worked with alcoholic and substance abuse patients. Then went to Alanon and between that and this site it helped tremendously. I spent so many nights awake crying and thinking that my son would die somewhere. But guess what~~ he didn't. I think back and now know how I should have started therapy a lot sooner than I did. Hang in there hon, hug your hubby and please get some outside therapy for yourselves. Hugs, Bonnie

tjp613

((((Hope)))) I'm so very sorry you're going through this pain. You and your husband are VERY GOOD parents. You are doing what you must do in spite of your suffering. If you were to back off now it would be the worst thing you could do. You know this. Get some face to face help from other parents who can put their arm around your shoulder, and look you in the eye. Lean on them now. Lean on us.

I'm so sorry

coffeedrinker

I am so very sorry for all the hurt you are in. There are just no words to "make it better".

Can I say though, that I hope you and your husband can be there for one another, support each other, cry with each other, not set up power struggles and other undermining desperate behaviors? (not suggesting that you are!) You need each other and can gather strength that way as well as coming here, and joining an local alanon or naranon.

Peace to you...

Spiritual Seeker

((((Hope))))
Read the alanon literature dealing w/ detachment.
Sometimes this is our best course of action...to be patient and focus on our own lives
Keep faith that eventually the time will be right for your gal.

sojourner

Hope44: Welcome, glad you're sharing your raw emotions here.

These gut-wrenching emotions you and your husband have right now are the ones that drive you (and all of us) to enable even when we know it is the wrong thing to do. So your eyes have been opened here to the reasons why you are compelled to "help" your daughter (which by now you know is only helping her stay sick).

And you hit the nail on the head when you expressed your fear that your daughter would lose her life through all of this. That fear of the death of our loved one is the mother of all emotions that drives us and is the emotion that holds us hostage to this whole thing.

I have been through that and got over it. So have many others here. You are really in very good company and are in the midst of very good wisdom. PLEASE, for the sake of your daughter and for the sake of you and the rest of your family, continue to come back here and work through all your emotions (AKA fears) as you learn how to truly help your daughter.

God is good!!

JMFburns

Hope,

Glad you're here, glad you're posting.

I agree with all the posts before me encouraging you to find a meeting . . . you find a meeting . . . your husband should find a meeting, whether the two of you go together or just one of you decides to care for yourself and go, do it! Your lives are just as important as your daughters, you are the only person you can control and take care of, so focus on that.

Good luck, know that my thoughts are with you as another parent of an adult son that loves the heck outta my kid, but know that I can't get pulled to his bottom any more.

Sunshine2

Hope, you, your husband and your daughter are in my prayers. Just remember she got herself into this situation. You and your husband did not get her fired from her job, she did that all on her own. She needs to face the consequences of her actions.

If you were to give in and give her a roof over her head, she would get comfortable in her addiction again and she would be make no progress.

Dealing with this is hard. I have been having nightmares for the last 3 nights about my AS. Part of me want to contact him but I know he will see that as an invitation to move back, so I don't. I just continue to place him in God's hands every single day and trust that the path he has chosen will get him where he needs to be. Eventually.

Seren

(((((Hope))))) I'm sorry that she is taking all of this out on your husband. My A stepson was given one final chance by my husband around 2 years ago. His father told him he would help him out with rent for 3 months to get him started as long as he a) kept a job, b) did not get in trouble with the law, and c) did not use drugs.

Well, in one weekend, he went on a crack bender, was arrested for possession, overslept and lost his job.

Today, he is working part-time in a fastfood restaurant and living at the local mission. We pray for him all the time, but he is responsible for the shape of his life now.

Hugs and prayers for you and your husband. HG

Hope44

A big thank you to each of you. I feel I've been hugged by friends. :-)

My husband and I have been to live meetings but... somehow, the dynamics seemed off in the group we attended. After about five meetings, it was like the group's main focus/desire was to stay wallowing in their troubles, rehashing the same hurts over and over, without any encouragement or hope. It was depressing, really, and we bailed. But - as many have expressed, these groups are a lifeline and I am sure they aren't all like this. There are one or two others we can check out – one is Nar-Anon and the other is Celebrate Recovery – we hope to do this very soon. Till then, I'm so thankful to have my relationship with God and support from several close friends and a brother. And definitely SR!

I'm learning a hard thing for me (for any parent I'm sure) is thinking of my daughter feeling alone and unloved in this world. It's been my biggest prayer – how to best love her through this, not only so that she IS loved, but also feels loved, as much as is possible right now.

She was over for supper last night... mostly it was a nice visit but then I had to mention drugs and the walls went up. She's at a place where she will not admit drugs are a problem for her - and yet I can see her trying with all her might to hold back the tears. It's like there are two of her. She tells us she does not believe in God anymore.... but just ten minutes earlier, before we eat supper, she wants to pray. How I pray for discernment.... My husband and I are, gratefully, on the same page concerning her. I read with such sadness how addiction rips families apart, even husbands and wives. I can't imagine adding discord with him, to the stress and grief over our daughter.

Thanks so much for your support.

BBD

Hi Hope, I do hope that things get easier for you and your hubby. When addiction hit our house we had no clue what we were going to do. Then we get ahold of a therapist that only worked with addicts. For some reason she took us in.. She was a godsend to us. I had no clue how codependant I was. She went back to my upbringing and brought things out that really woke me up. Keep trying meetings. You'll find one your comfortable with and it will help you extremely. Keeping in touch with your daughter will keep her on the "love" page. no matter what my son was up to he knew we loved him. .... He was just toooo much into himself and the drug. Stay strong and thanks for checking in. I have been thinking about you..Smiles, Bonnie

Impurrfect

(((Hope))) - I'm glad you had her over for dinner. I was afraid I came across too much, in my first post, saying that being fired was only the beginning of my bottom. That doesn't mean she's going to follow my path.

I just want to remind you that we A's can SAY a lot of things in the way of manipulation. Things like "you don't love me, you won't even let me come home!!", when we know, darned well, how much you love us. I, never once, doubted how much I was loved. I said some bad things, though. My dad also told me that he "hated me" once. I knew he didn't...he was just angry and had every right to be.

Addiction can bring out the worst in us. I'm so glad you and your husband are on the same page, and that you're coming here. I hope you find good meetings to go too, as some extra f2f support can be invaluable.

I will continue to keep your family in my prayers.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Hope44

Amy, you didn't come across "too much" at all. You were just being honest and that is good. I do have a feeling this isn't the bottom for my daughter, but we shall see. We found out the night she got fired she was also pulled over in her car and the police would not let her drive home. I don't know if she was high or just too emotionally distraught. If she got another ticket, on top of another one she has yet to pay... she could end up in jail.

Anyway, I appreciate your replies and perspective so much. Having gone through all that you did, I sense much healing and restoration that has happened in your life and that is encouraging to me. Thank you!