Ann

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Into Orbit

It doesn't matter if they're hurting themselves. It doesn't matter that we could help them if they'd only listen to, and cooperate with, us. IT DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER.
—Codependent No More

I think I can change him. Nobody's ever really loved him and appreciated him before. I'll be the one to do that, and then he'll change. . . . She's never been with anybody trustworthy before. I'll prove how trustworthy I am, and then she'll be able to love. . . . Nobody's been able to get to her, to conquer her, before. I'll be the one to do that. . . . Nobody's ever really given him a chance. . . . Nobody's ever really believed in him before. . . .

These are warning signs. Red lights. Red flags. In fact, if we're thinking these thoughts, they need to be stop signs.

If we have gotten hooked into believing that somehow we will be the one who will make the difference in someone's life, if we are trying to prove how good we can be for someone, we may be in trouble.

This is a game. A deception. It won't work. It'll make us crazy. We can trust that. We're not seeing things clearly. Something's going on with us. t will be self-defeating.

We may be "the one" all right - the one to wind up victimized.

The whole thought pattern reeks of codependency, of not being responsible for oneself, and of victimization. Each person needs to do his or her own work.

Nobody in the past has really understood him. . . . Nobody has seen what I see in her. . . . It's a set up. It sets us up to stop paying attention to ourselves while we focus too much on the other person. It takes us away from our path and often puts us in orbit.

Nobody has appreciated him enough. . . . Nobody has been good enough to her, or done for her what I can do. . . . It's a rescue. It's a game move, a game we don't have to play. We don't have to prove we're the one. If we're out to show people we're the best thing that ever happened to them, it may be time to see if they're the best thing that ever happened to us.

We have not been appointed as guardian angel, godmother, godfather, or "the one who will."

The help, support, and encouragement that truly benefits others and ourselves emerges naturally. Let it.

God, help me let go of my need to meet dysfunctional challenges in my relationships.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

Ann

This is my favourite reading ever from "Language of Letting Go".

I remember the first time I read this, many years ago, and I remember how it just spoke to me and gave me one of those "AHA" moments that opened my eyes and my heart to how futile it was to think I could change what was not mine to change.

I kept it and read it often, any time I am tempted to step in the way of another person's lessons.

Some things are just not ours to control. We can love and encourage, and cheer others along when they reach out for help, but in the end I know that I will be thrown "into orbit" if I try to manage the world.

Today I have faith in my Higher Power who I choose to call God. Today I have faith that everything is unfolding exactly the way it is supposed to and I trust the process.

Hugs

Hammerhead

AWESOME STUFF!!!

Imagine how crushed I was to realize that I didn't have wings or a halo... to realize that I was just human.

Ann

Another phrase I keep tucked in my mind. Rescues are not hard to spot. Anytime I want to do for someone that which they can and should be doing for themselves...it's a rescue.

If they need a rescue today, they better call 911 because this "saviour" has hung up her halo.

Hugs

Freedom1990

Amen to that! I hope I never forget just how ego-driven I was to think I could solve someone else's problem. Ugh.

bluebelle

Thanks for the reminder. It is so easy for me to get focused on fixing others and forget to fix myself!