Ive been awake all night........
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: rochester NH
Posts: 109
Ive been awake all night........
Dave's addiction has definitely impacted my life in some pretty negative ways, probably because i was his biggest enabeler and I let it impact me the way it did, I just could not detach no matter how many boundaries i had set or how many times i said I wasnt going to call him as much ect.....
So many of you know about the phone call I heard last week with the SWAT time booting his door down and arresting him, hitting him, telling him they would blow his brains out if he moved ...ect.... I NEVER thought a single phone call would impact my life the way it has. I cant sleep, the only thing that goes through my head is him saying the swat team was there and he robbed a gas station and all the stuff that went along with that call.....randomly through the day and night it just starts in my head and will NOT shut off.
I know his addiction is not my fault, I know him doing those actions are not my fault, but I cant help to think If I didnt enable him in some of the ways I did would it had come to this? The last 3 months i had paid his phone bill because not hearing from him scares me, i had sent food when he was hungry, sent money when i thought he was being honest about being clean, and it goes from there, i left myself short on things I needed for my home and bills to make sure he was comfortable.....very co dependant i know but also very enabeling.....my mind just wont stop.
Ive spoken to him and he has apologized for all the horrible things that he has done since he turned to heroin, and me having to hear that phone call. I am happy he finally hit his bottom and it wasnt death, thats what i was so scared of.....im sad that his bottom had to be robbing a gas station to realize he needed help. When he was calling begging for help and crying to me that he finally needs help he had already done his crime.....at the time i didnt know that. Im praying that this was his bottom.......he has hit some bottoms before that got him cleaned up but never anything like this.
He has a child coming in sept, and he knows he has to clean up his act and keep it that way if he wants to be a parental figure in his little boys life......I sure hope he wants to be clean more than he wants to use, he says fianlly he does.
So ive enrolled in counceling, i have a 10 week wait for an intake appt, there is only one place in my town that takes state insurance and since i dont drive its the place i have to go. AL anon i cant get too either, its at night the only 2 meetings a week in my town and my father cant drive at night, ive asked him to take me driving so i can finally get a license, panic attacks are whats holding me back. I am not sure what else to do, i need to start working on me but i really dont know where to begin, ive always worried about him, and others and never really took care of myself...i know i have to find the cause of my addcition which is food and thats out of control now that my stress is up. Everything is just a mess and i am so worried about prison........besides this crime hes not a criminal and i hope he can make it. I am so lost and so sad and so hurt and i have no idea how to deal with what im feeling except to type it out here and eat.
Could use a few friends.......thanks for reading and being here
So many of you know about the phone call I heard last week with the SWAT time booting his door down and arresting him, hitting him, telling him they would blow his brains out if he moved ...ect.... I NEVER thought a single phone call would impact my life the way it has. I cant sleep, the only thing that goes through my head is him saying the swat team was there and he robbed a gas station and all the stuff that went along with that call.....randomly through the day and night it just starts in my head and will NOT shut off.
I know his addiction is not my fault, I know him doing those actions are not my fault, but I cant help to think If I didnt enable him in some of the ways I did would it had come to this? The last 3 months i had paid his phone bill because not hearing from him scares me, i had sent food when he was hungry, sent money when i thought he was being honest about being clean, and it goes from there, i left myself short on things I needed for my home and bills to make sure he was comfortable.....very co dependant i know but also very enabeling.....my mind just wont stop.
Ive spoken to him and he has apologized for all the horrible things that he has done since he turned to heroin, and me having to hear that phone call. I am happy he finally hit his bottom and it wasnt death, thats what i was so scared of.....im sad that his bottom had to be robbing a gas station to realize he needed help. When he was calling begging for help and crying to me that he finally needs help he had already done his crime.....at the time i didnt know that. Im praying that this was his bottom.......he has hit some bottoms before that got him cleaned up but never anything like this.
He has a child coming in sept, and he knows he has to clean up his act and keep it that way if he wants to be a parental figure in his little boys life......I sure hope he wants to be clean more than he wants to use, he says fianlly he does.
So ive enrolled in counceling, i have a 10 week wait for an intake appt, there is only one place in my town that takes state insurance and since i dont drive its the place i have to go. AL anon i cant get too either, its at night the only 2 meetings a week in my town and my father cant drive at night, ive asked him to take me driving so i can finally get a license, panic attacks are whats holding me back. I am not sure what else to do, i need to start working on me but i really dont know where to begin, ive always worried about him, and others and never really took care of myself...i know i have to find the cause of my addcition which is food and thats out of control now that my stress is up. Everything is just a mess and i am so worried about prison........besides this crime hes not a criminal and i hope he can make it. I am so lost and so sad and so hurt and i have no idea how to deal with what im feeling except to type it out here and eat.
Could use a few friends.......thanks for reading and being here
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
you have friends here, nichole.
i'm sorry you are in such a state. it just sucks to be wrapped up in another person, and when that person is very sick and that sickness affects his/her behavior, we are in extreme distress.
you are doing the right things. this takes time.
i'm sorry you are in such a state. it just sucks to be wrapped up in another person, and when that person is very sick and that sickness affects his/her behavior, we are in extreme distress.
you are doing the right things. this takes time.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I too am sorry that you are going through such turmoil over your brothers issues.
I love my brother too, however, I cannot begin to live his life, it is his to live and experience, not mine.
Sorry to say, this may not be his bottom. Many go to jail/prison and as soon as they get out they are back on drugs. Prison is not a cure all.
Setting your brother aside, where are you in your life? If you are obsessing about him, it makes me wonder if you have any other outlets in your life.
I think counciling is a good idea. Keep posting.
I love my brother too, however, I cannot begin to live his life, it is his to live and experience, not mine.
Sorry to say, this may not be his bottom. Many go to jail/prison and as soon as they get out they are back on drugs. Prison is not a cure all.
Setting your brother aside, where are you in your life? If you are obsessing about him, it makes me wonder if you have any other outlets in your life.
I think counciling is a good idea. Keep posting.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Nichole, if you call your local Nar-anon or Al-anon and ask for a ride, it is quite likely that someone will come get you and take you to the meeting. I would ask for a woman driver just because it's safer.
I feel your pain because I have been there, drowning in my son's addiction, but I found a way back to sanity and you can find that way too. Our program promises that we will be restored to sanity, and that's good enough for me.
Hugs
I feel your pain because I have been there, drowning in my son's addiction, but I found a way back to sanity and you can find that way too. Our program promises that we will be restored to sanity, and that's good enough for me.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: rochester NH
Posts: 109
I had No idea that I could call and see if there would be a ride available, thank you for that info, I was actually going to see if i could have my father bring me once or twice and see if i could find someone who lives close by that would be willing to car pool......i really truely need this, not just for myself but so when he gets out of prison i am not an enabler any longer and know how to do the right thing!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Boise, ID
Posts: 36
The best thing about al-anon is that it is about focusing on you - not the addict. We all love our addicts which makes this all the more painful but as I have learned, love does not help them. I can't feel guilty about my son's addiction and I have learned that I didn't cause it. I hope, in time, that it will feel so good to get off the merry-go-round of this type of lifestyle.
I have my days when it still hurts but a good cry and them I'm back to moving forward. I have hope because my Higher Power is the one in charge, not me or my addict.
You keep taking good care of yourself and make YOU the priority, not the addict. Kelly (((hugs))).
I have my days when it still hurts but a good cry and them I'm back to moving forward. I have hope because my Higher Power is the one in charge, not me or my addict.
You keep taking good care of yourself and make YOU the priority, not the addict. Kelly (((hugs))).
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: rochester NH
Posts: 109
I really WANT to make me Number One but i have NO idea how to do that, Honestly I dont........maybe start off by going back to Curves? I dont know how to figure out my feelings or even how to deal with them, so i do it by trying to solve everyone elses problems and eating........not good. I guess I need some guidance,,,,,i dont even know WHO I am! And that is something ive never told a soul....no idea who i am, dont even know what i enjoy anymore since its been SO long since ive done ANYTHING enjoyable for just ME!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by Nichole78 
I really WANT to make me Number One but i have NO idea how to do that. I dont know how to figure out my feelings or even how to deal with them, so i do it by trying to solve everyone elses problems and eating........not good. I guess I need some guidance,,,,,i dont even know WHO I am! And that is something ive never told a soul....no idea who i am, dont even know what i enjoy anymore since its been SO long since ive done ANYTHING enjoyable for just ME!
You are on the threshold of something great, Nichole.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
I agree with coffee, that you're on the threshold of something great. Admitting what you did is self awareness and it's a huge step towards positive change in your life. From this place today, you get to decide who and what you want to be!
Nichole, please consider talking with a psychiatrist about the panic attacks and your family history. Curves is a great idea because it will stimulate endorphins/dopamine. You brother eventually chose heroin to stimulate them, and you chose food. I've learned so much about genetics because of my RAD. Just about everyone on all sides of our family have an addiction (from caffeine to nicotine, to sugar carbs, to alcohol, to opiates), and the common denominator is low levels of beta endorphins/dopamine.
Nichole, please consider talking with a psychiatrist about the panic attacks and your family history. Curves is a great idea because it will stimulate endorphins/dopamine. You brother eventually chose heroin to stimulate them, and you chose food. I've learned so much about genetics because of my RAD. Just about everyone on all sides of our family have an addiction (from caffeine to nicotine, to sugar carbs, to alcohol, to opiates), and the common denominator is low levels of beta endorphins/dopamine.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Curves sounds like a good start, and theraphy is a good idea.
What has helped me is:
Take a piece of paper, write down your short term goals and your long term goals (3-5 yrs). Then select the 5 most important of each catagory, make a plan to achieve these goals, follow that plan, cross off as they are achieved. Of coarse these goals can be tweeked, however, having a clear direction might be of help to you.
If you do not have a plan, you plan to fail...great advice from my Dad.
You can do this, be patient it will happen.
Dolly
What has helped me is:
Take a piece of paper, write down your short term goals and your long term goals (3-5 yrs). Then select the 5 most important of each catagory, make a plan to achieve these goals, follow that plan, cross off as they are achieved. Of coarse these goals can be tweeked, however, having a clear direction might be of help to you.
If you do not have a plan, you plan to fail...great advice from my Dad.
You can do this, be patient it will happen.
Dolly
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
so sorry your going through this, I know how difficult it is and how much damage it does to us. I was an avid runner and for many years took good care of myself,but living with my AH I let myself go. I stopped running, I stopped laughing, loving, caring..everything! yet that didnt change my situation. finally after going to counseling and attending meetings I gained some strength and understanding that how I reacted to addiction was all normal, I wasnt the bad person, I wasnt helping him..it wasnt going to get better for us no matter how much I tried. it did however get worse for me.
It took time to heal. I dont cry as much as I used to, I dont panic about death as much, I dont hide in the house as I used to and now go out running everyday. I was embarrassed to even do this in the beginning as the police are always driving around where I live (they were involved in our situation) funny though now they actually smile and wave at me. Please,please go to a meeting,read everything on here and yes, talk to a therapist, it truly will help. in time you will gain self esteem. Your not alone even if you think you are and when you have a bad moment try to remember that shall pass, one day at a time.
It took time to heal. I dont cry as much as I used to, I dont panic about death as much, I dont hide in the house as I used to and now go out running everyday. I was embarrassed to even do this in the beginning as the police are always driving around where I live (they were involved in our situation) funny though now they actually smile and wave at me. Please,please go to a meeting,read everything on here and yes, talk to a therapist, it truly will help. in time you will gain self esteem. Your not alone even if you think you are and when you have a bad moment try to remember that shall pass, one day at a time.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Nichole)) - I'm sorry you're struggling, sweetie. When I finally broke it off with my first XABF, I realized I also didn't know who I was, what I wanted. I had always done "everything to an extreme"..ate too much as a kid, smoked too many cigarettes, LOVED too much as a codie, then became an addict.
I think Curves is a great idea. I know we have a local park that has a walking park, and when I'm able to go and walk, I feel SO much better. I've also been to some counseling and it helped, too. I've learned a LOT from the great people here. It was seeing some of ((Ann's)) pictures, way back when, that reminded me I used to like to take pictures...not professional ones, like ((Chino)) does
or as good as ((Ann's)) but simple things..like my pets, so I got a cheap camera and I love it! I started LOOKING for things to take a picture of..pretty flowers, a gorgeous sunrise/sunset...made me appreciate things a little bit.
You are on the verge of something GREAT, sweetie, I promise. I know it's hard to "focus on you" when you've never done it, but keep reading, keep asking, and take those baby steps. Each step you take, you'll think "wow, that wasn't so hard and feels pretty darned good!!" We'll be right here, with you.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I think Curves is a great idea. I know we have a local park that has a walking park, and when I'm able to go and walk, I feel SO much better. I've also been to some counseling and it helped, too. I've learned a LOT from the great people here. It was seeing some of ((Ann's)) pictures, way back when, that reminded me I used to like to take pictures...not professional ones, like ((Chino)) does
or as good as ((Ann's)) but simple things..like my pets, so I got a cheap camera and I love it! I started LOOKING for things to take a picture of..pretty flowers, a gorgeous sunrise/sunset...made me appreciate things a little bit.You are on the verge of something GREAT, sweetie, I promise. I know it's hard to "focus on you" when you've never done it, but keep reading, keep asking, and take those baby steps. Each step you take, you'll think "wow, that wasn't so hard and feels pretty darned good!!" We'll be right here, with you.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: rochester NH
Posts: 109
Thank you all for your replies, I was honest because if i wasnt I wouldnt get anywhere with this, i had to share.
I dont work, i get disibility for depression and panic attacks, ive had them 8 yrs at one point it was so bad i couldnt leave the house. I do not go to school and I dont really have a single friend where i live, all my friends are in mass, i do see them every few months when i visit my mother, which my son and i will be doing at the end of this month. As for hobbies the only one i ever really got into was scrapbooking, but even that hasnt been done for well over a year. Like I said, i have NO idea what I like to do and i havent for a very very long time!
Addiction surrounds me and it has effected me in ways i didnt know it could, until recently. My step dad is a recovering alcoholic 8 yrs now, my father is an addict(pills) my boyfriend is an addict ( pills and weed) and my brother who has impacted me the most SO needless to say its time to do me now, me and my 2 yr old son matter the most right now! Just not sure how to get started, i feel like all my energy is just gone, im wiped out!
Thanks for being here
I dont work, i get disibility for depression and panic attacks, ive had them 8 yrs at one point it was so bad i couldnt leave the house. I do not go to school and I dont really have a single friend where i live, all my friends are in mass, i do see them every few months when i visit my mother, which my son and i will be doing at the end of this month. As for hobbies the only one i ever really got into was scrapbooking, but even that hasnt been done for well over a year. Like I said, i have NO idea what I like to do and i havent for a very very long time!
Addiction surrounds me and it has effected me in ways i didnt know it could, until recently. My step dad is a recovering alcoholic 8 yrs now, my father is an addict(pills) my boyfriend is an addict ( pills and weed) and my brother who has impacted me the most SO needless to say its time to do me now, me and my 2 yr old son matter the most right now! Just not sure how to get started, i feel like all my energy is just gone, im wiped out!
Thanks for being here
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: rochester NH
Posts: 109
Since he was just a young kid he started drinking, i want to say about 13 and smoking weed, late in life he turned to crack i think he was about 20 he lived with his gf and her mother and the mom was a crack addict and offered it to them........heroin he used heroin for 3 months got help and stayed clean 18 months, relapsed in January of this year been clean a few weeks at a time but the last month has been pretty bad, my son was about 4 months when he told us he was going to treatment for heroin so that started just over 2 yrs ago. I do know he was using oxycontin before the heroin for about 6 months but i didnt know that until he got into treatment the first time.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Originally Posted by Nichole78
.....SO needless to say its time to do me now, me and my 2 yr old son matter the most right now! Just not sure how to get started, i feel like all my energy is just gone, im wiped out!
Thanks for being here
Thanks for being here
Maybe try to do one small thing for you and your son to enjoy each day? Do the two of you have a park nearby where you can play? Can he help you pick out some new materials for your scrapbook? Maybe start a new one just for him.....Summer 2010!
Small things can make a huge difference!
Hugs and prayers for you and your precious son!!! HG
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: atlanta
Posts: 90
Nicole, you are taking the first step on a life changing journey. When I first went to Nar-Anon people would ask me what made me happy and I honestly did not know, I had been making everyone else happy for so long that I neglected my own happiness. I've been going almost 2 years now and it was the one thing that I can say saved my life. I have learned how to put myself first without guilt, try new things that before I was afraid to try, embrace myself and my own life for a change. I am happier now than I have ever been. Please do attempt to call and get a ride, it will change your life for the better.
Good Luck
Good Luck
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Nichole,
Just wanted to add, I do not own a car - long story, but needless to say it was mixed around with my AS and my enabling and his need for drugs, etc. - I attend both Nar Anon and Al Anon and rely on other group members for rides.
I've found some of the most loving, caring, supportive friends at my groups who gladly pick me up on their way by my apartment. I try to make it as easy as possibly, I walk out to the major cross street for pick up and call on others every once in a while so as not to be a burden. But we are a "family" and I know that I (just like any one of them) would be greatly missed if we weren't there.
Just wanted to add, I do not own a car - long story, but needless to say it was mixed around with my AS and my enabling and his need for drugs, etc. - I attend both Nar Anon and Al Anon and rely on other group members for rides.
I've found some of the most loving, caring, supportive friends at my groups who gladly pick me up on their way by my apartment. I try to make it as easy as possibly, I walk out to the major cross street for pick up and call on others every once in a while so as not to be a burden. But we are a "family" and I know that I (just like any one of them) would be greatly missed if we weren't there.
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