Parents of Addicts-Will I ever feel like myself again?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Parents of Addicts-Will I ever feel like myself again?
I go to meetings, have a sponsor, exercise, meditate, see friends, etc. In spite of all this, I am so exhausted and just have an underlying sadness . I am leaps and bounds from when I started with my AD. I do not enable her in any way and she lives close by, but there is little contact. I believe that I am doing all the right things. I just can't seem to get back up to speed completely. I read literature daily and do everything I can..will time help me? I try to be grateful and focus on what I do have, but a very good portion of the time I feel sad and bone tired. I do take anti deppressants which have helped me to not cry all the time. I keep plodding on, but wonder if I will ever feel like my old self. If this is my "new normal" I don't know if I can deal! 
:
:
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It takes time, but you're doing the "do" things and are on the right path.
It took me what seems like a long time to feel okay again, but in hindsight it all came a little at a time. I also had PTSD to deal with...I was doing okay by day but at night I had night terrors for about a year and had to deal with that.
It gets better, I promise, just keep walking and know we're all walking with you.
Hugs
It took me what seems like a long time to feel okay again, but in hindsight it all came a little at a time. I also had PTSD to deal with...I was doing okay by day but at night I had night terrors for about a year and had to deal with that.
It gets better, I promise, just keep walking and know we're all walking with you.
Hugs
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
My normal has changed. I know more now than I ever wanted to, and you just can't take that out of the equation.
But, I also have come to know myself better as a result of the past six years. I think I know me better, and know the me I want to be. This is not an easy thing though, given there are few things about me that need worked on.
But, to answer your question, it does get better. For me it wasn't until I let it get better.
Our addicted loved ones are getting by, even if it isn't what we had planned for them. When they want change bad enough, they will seek it. In the meantime, I know that nothing I do (including being sad and frightened) will change that.
So...the most sensible thing was to begin to live my life again, and wait for that miracle to occur.
But, I also have come to know myself better as a result of the past six years. I think I know me better, and know the me I want to be. This is not an easy thing though, given there are few things about me that need worked on.
But, to answer your question, it does get better. For me it wasn't until I let it get better.
Our addicted loved ones are getting by, even if it isn't what we had planned for them. When they want change bad enough, they will seek it. In the meantime, I know that nothing I do (including being sad and frightened) will change that.
So...the most sensible thing was to begin to live my life again, and wait for that miracle to occur.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
hi keepinon~ Yes, you will get back to yourself someday. When I was first faced with addiction I didn't know where to begin. I stared with a wonderful addiction councelor that had me start meetings along with meeting with her weekly. I took an antidepressant (which i am off of now)) and studied alot about the disease and with this site couldn't have asked for more support. It took 2 rehabs, alot of wrong relationships and friends and a few relapses before my son started to really see what he was doing. Making decisions and drugs just don't mesh. You'll always be your daughters mom but if you lay down some boundaries (sp) and stick to them you will find your own life getting easier. It takes alot of work onboth parts but is well worth it when the addict finally sees the light.. I wish you well and am sending positive thoughts your way.....Smiles~
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Yes, things do get better. For me i look back on my progress as happening over years, not days or even months. I started this journey with 24YO AS five years ago when I knew substances were a problem and three years before that when I knew there was a problem but did not know what was the root of it.
I have this taped on my mirror - maybe it will help you:
"Waiting is our destiny. As creatures who cannot by themselves bring about what they hope for, we wait in the darkness for a flame we cannot light. We wait in fear for a happy ending we cannot write. We wait for a 'not yet' that feels like a 'not ever.' Waiting is the hardest work of hope." Lewis Smeades
Hope that helps.
I have this taped on my mirror - maybe it will help you:
"Waiting is our destiny. As creatures who cannot by themselves bring about what they hope for, we wait in the darkness for a flame we cannot light. We wait in fear for a happy ending we cannot write. We wait for a 'not yet' that feels like a 'not ever.' Waiting is the hardest work of hope." Lewis Smeades
Hope that helps.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 355
Hi Keepinon
For me, I have a "new normal". I don't think I can ever go back to the old normal. We let ourselves be put through hell in the name of love for our addict. I let myself be dragged through this mess for 5 years. I figure it will take a long time to deal with that and be the best person I can be. My dad always told me that life will knock you down many times, but you just have to keep getting up, dusting yourself off, learn from your experience, and keep moving on.
My AD is in a 6 month inpatient treatment facility. She has been there for a month now. I am using these 6 months to figure out what my "new normal" is going to be. Because I sure haven't liked the person I had become. I think you are doing all the right things and making progress, but I also know that some days it sure doesn't feel like it.
Sending prayers to you and your daughter.
Gotahavfaith
For me, I have a "new normal". I don't think I can ever go back to the old normal. We let ourselves be put through hell in the name of love for our addict. I let myself be dragged through this mess for 5 years. I figure it will take a long time to deal with that and be the best person I can be. My dad always told me that life will knock you down many times, but you just have to keep getting up, dusting yourself off, learn from your experience, and keep moving on.
My AD is in a 6 month inpatient treatment facility. She has been there for a month now. I am using these 6 months to figure out what my "new normal" is going to be. Because I sure haven't liked the person I had become. I think you are doing all the right things and making progress, but I also know that some days it sure doesn't feel like it.
Sending prayers to you and your daughter.
Gotahavfaith
Guest
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 2,968
I think that each experience we have in life takes us into
a new place of thinking and maturity if we accept that
the experience is growth of oneself and not a place of the
old preverbal of being on hold until everyone else's needs
are satisfied. I have come to find that this holding place
is just that..it doesn't grow or move forward..it is a self
induced limbo..
I also think often of the empty nest syndrome that many
parents that don't have an addict as a child, they also go
through the steps of losing their child to the world as it is.
Letting go isn't harder for us as parents of addicts, it just
is something as a parent we must learn to deal with, thinking of it as growth for them and ourselves often will lead us into a place of peace. We cannot forever think that if we did this or that the outcome would be different.
The difference is how we accept that the unexpected happened and how we react to the change.
I realized that the safety net only involves me..when my son was young it was important to be there for those moments to give guidance and understanding, as time goes on we learn to give our children over the lessons so that also can learn from their failures in order to learn success.
It really comes down to letting go of the outcome as we each have to make our own choices and decisions and live with the consequences.
It is a new normal, and it isn't negative at all.
lauren
a new place of thinking and maturity if we accept that
the experience is growth of oneself and not a place of the
old preverbal of being on hold until everyone else's needs
are satisfied. I have come to find that this holding place
is just that..it doesn't grow or move forward..it is a self
induced limbo..
I also think often of the empty nest syndrome that many
parents that don't have an addict as a child, they also go
through the steps of losing their child to the world as it is.
Letting go isn't harder for us as parents of addicts, it just
is something as a parent we must learn to deal with, thinking of it as growth for them and ourselves often will lead us into a place of peace. We cannot forever think that if we did this or that the outcome would be different.
The difference is how we accept that the unexpected happened and how we react to the change.
I realized that the safety net only involves me..when my son was young it was important to be there for those moments to give guidance and understanding, as time goes on we learn to give our children over the lessons so that also can learn from their failures in order to learn success.
It really comes down to letting go of the outcome as we each have to make our own choices and decisions and live with the consequences.
It is a new normal, and it isn't negative at all.
lauren
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Any time we think we R having a bad day, we can DECIDE to let go of what is making us unhappy in that moment and emotionally start over.
I Turn my RAS over ea. morning to his HP.
Then ask my own HP for joy in my life ea. day.
I Turn my RAS over ea. morning to his HP.
Then ask my own HP for joy in my life ea. day.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Will I ever feel like myself again?
I am not the same person I used to be before my daughter's addiction.
Back then I believed in the fantasy that I was powerful enough to compel her. I obsessed about her, her addiction and what I had said or done or was going to do that would cause her to snap out of it or go deeper in.
I was mistaken. It's was the #1 most humbling moment of my own life to come to terms with my own ego in all of this. And to me, ego is the basis for co-dependency.
There was a major transition period and chronic saddness that ensued while I grieved the loss of my own ego and accepted just how powerless I was.
It's a full time job and then some, just to take care of myself.
I am not the same person I used to be before my daughter's addiction.
Back then I believed in the fantasy that I was powerful enough to compel her. I obsessed about her, her addiction and what I had said or done or was going to do that would cause her to snap out of it or go deeper in.
I was mistaken. It's was the #1 most humbling moment of my own life to come to terms with my own ego in all of this. And to me, ego is the basis for co-dependency.
There was a major transition period and chronic saddness that ensued while I grieved the loss of my own ego and accepted just how powerless I was.
It's a full time job and then some, just to take care of myself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Boise, ID
Posts: 36
I have an AS and I sometimes ask myself the same question "is this my new norm"? Honestly, my new norm is A LOT better than it used to be. ;-) It has taken my quite a bit of time to get to the place I'm in now. I can say that I follow a regiment similar to yours. As others have mentioned so much of my sadness is that things didn't turn out like I had hoped for my son. I prided myself on doing the right things in life and thought that is how it would work for both my kids. Wow was I ever wrong. My addict son and normy daughter are their own people who make their own choices and now I must make my own choices for myself and let them go. I love them both equally but I have had to learn that it was time to discover things about me and move on - let the focus on them go.
I pray for both kids each and every day but I also pray for myself. It is time for me to look around and be grateful. Go back to enjoying things that make me happy or find things that make me happy. I am on the road to recovery and so are you. I found that it doesn't happen all at once.
You keep taking good care of yourself and remember you are most important. Your happiness will come. Kelly - all are in my prayers.
I pray for both kids each and every day but I also pray for myself. It is time for me to look around and be grateful. Go back to enjoying things that make me happy or find things that make me happy. I am on the road to recovery and so are you. I found that it doesn't happen all at once.
You keep taking good care of yourself and remember you are most important. Your happiness will come. Kelly - all are in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
Originally Posted by keepinon 
it keeps on going downhill w my ad but i did manage to go out of town in midst of her crisis and have a really good time with my friends.thank goodness for small things
Hugs,
Chris
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: homebased
Posts: 408
I am not the same person I was before addiction hit our family...
like most parents here, I stood at the gates of hell and that changes everything
but in many ways I am a much better person....
I learned compassion and I learned to let go of my expectations about how things were "supposed" to be and accept and even enjoy what was....
very important lessons and, as it turns out, things I needed to learn
Keeping you in my prayers
like most parents here, I stood at the gates of hell and that changes everything
but in many ways I am a much better person....
I learned compassion and I learned to let go of my expectations about how things were "supposed" to be and accept and even enjoy what was....
very important lessons and, as it turns out, things I needed to learn
Keeping you in my prayers
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
