Confused...

Old 06-03-2010, 10:53 AM
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Confused...

Hi, I'm new to the site. I have been with my fiance for almost 6 years now. We have a 4 year old son together. We've been engaged since December 2008. The wedding is September 2010. In September 2009, he came clean to me about his addiction (after getting arrested for possession). He first started doing perks, then it moved to oxys when he could get them, and eventually led to snorting heroin. He told me that his oxy and herion addiction was for about 6 months.
He checked himself into detox and rehab in October. The rehab was in house for 60 days. When he finished his rehab, he went and lived with his mom for a while. I wasn't comfortable letting him back in my life yet. He went to meetings and cut off the people he used to hang out with. I eventually let me move back in the house and in our lives. He's been clean for about 8 months now.
My problem is that I am started to question my decisions. I knew that the trust wouldn't come back overnight, but this is the strongest the doubt has been since he first came out of rehab. I don't know if its because the wedding is less than 4 months away. Is this normal?
I love him so much, but I am not putting myself or my son through that pain again. He tells me that he never wants to go through rehab again and that he won't hurt me again. How can I know this is really the truth? I know the saying "once an addict, always an addict." I just don't want to question myself for the rest of my life.

Sorry for the length of this...
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Old 06-03-2010, 11:21 AM
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First of all, kudos to you for giving this serious thought, rather than throwing caution to the wind and hoping things will be okay. That takes a lot of courage, and you obviously love your son very much.

There are no guarantees.

What are his odds? I can't give you any statistics.

What I can give you is my personal life experience since I first went through rehab in 1986 and was introduced to the rooms of recovery.

My sponsor has 24 years clean/sober. I have 19 years clean/sober.

We have one member with 5 years in our home group, one with 4. The rest are a year or less. They very seldom make it to a year, and if they do, they seem to drop off the face of the earth somewhere before the 5 year mark.

Many of them never come back.

I am human, therefore fallible. I make mistakes.

A recent example is when I reacted out of fear for my 21 year old daughter, and rather than calling my sponsor and talking it out, I phoned my daughter and read her the riot act. I said some very angry things to her.

I hurt her. I had to make amends for that.

I can't guarantee anyone I'll stay clean/sober till the day I die.

I can't guarantee anyone I won't ever hurt them again, although it may very well be unintentional.

8 months clean is a drop in the bucket. It is not necessarily an indicator of long-term recovery.

I initially stayed clean/sober for 4 years after rehab, and then I drank/used again. I was out there for 2 long hellish months, and I consider myself extremely blessed to have made it back into recovery.

I have a 32 year old daughter who's active in addictions, and she is no longer welcome in my home.

I wouldn't even entertain the thought of allowing her into my life to any great extent unless she had at least 2 years of continuous recovery under her belt.

You take care of you and your son first and foremost.

Check into Alanon or Naranon meetings in your area for you. Alanon tends to be more widely available.

Get your hands on a copy of the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

There are a lot of good 'sticky' posts at the top of this forum to read.

I hope you continue to post here at SR, and know you are among friends who care.
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Old 06-03-2010, 11:27 AM
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I think it's great that you're questioning how you and your child want and need to live! Both of you are worth taking however much time you need to make a decision about your future.

How can I know this is really the truth?
You can't. Recovering addicts are one day at a time. So are we on this side of the fence. We all have to learn to take each day as it comes, because the future is unwritten.

You could have already been married to him when this happened. You'd have to find a way to live with it or remove yourself from it. You get to do that now, too.

Your fiance' is no longer the same person you fell in love with. Addiction changes everything and that includes him. It's going to take time for him to learn how to deal with all the changes. He has new habits to learn, new ways of thinking.

Please take your time making this decision and please learn everything you can about addiction, check out a few Alanon/Naranon meetings.
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Old 06-03-2010, 11:58 AM
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My son is the most important person in my life. He deserves nothing but the best. I'm not afraid how having to do things on my own - I handled it well for the months that he was gone. I know I can do that!

One of my problems... I like to have control of things. I always have. This is a situation that I have no control over and it terrifies me. I also worry that I will cause problems between us when I try to control things. When I can't see where he is, it scares me to the point where I want to drop him off and pick him up. I know it sounds bad...

I probably should have gone to counseling and meetings as soon as this happened in order to understand how to deal with this type of situation. I think that's what my issue is. I didn't know what to do, what to expect, or how to handle it...There's just so much running through my head
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Old 06-03-2010, 12:02 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
He told me that his oxy and herion addiction was for about 6 months.

that's probably just a tad understated....

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I know that he was doing perks for years before the oxy and herion addiction. If I could be honest here... I used to do them here and there - never addicting though.

I understand that he might not be giving me an exact timeline on the oxys and heroin, but going back from when the money started going missing... it is fairly close.
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Old 06-03-2010, 12:10 PM
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I agree.. I'd postpone the wedding, go to therapy, perhaps address codependent behaviors, and really think about the future you want. There is no need to rush into this marriage, especially when you're having doubts.
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Old 06-03-2010, 12:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Flippingyrl View Post
I think that's what my issue is. I didn't know what to do, what to expect, or how to handle it...
Attending meetings will help that.
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Old 06-03-2010, 12:19 PM
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Sounds like we are going through something very similar, except I am already married and my AH is just clean 3 weeks. Yeah, I know great, but it too early in recovery to know what the future holds. 8 months is longer than 3 weeks, but we both have hugh trust issues. Can you get past that? I don't know if I can?I am pretty skeptical needless to say. Sad I don't have a lot of faith in him but when you have been lied to so much why should I believe him now.

I also found myself walking on egg shells and didn't want to do anything to upset AH, so once again put my feelings on back burning. But that isn't fair or right!!!

One thing I would recommend like Freedom said, is getting the book Codependent No More book, TODAY. I have read through it twice. This book has helped me so much.

One thing is for sure, you have to put yourself and yourself son first.

Girl I am already married to this problem, but you are not!! So, why if you have a choice?? If you are having all these concerns now it is for a reason. Regular marriage is hard enough besides adding addiction and trust to the list even before you get married. Your gut is telling you something. I would listen!! I wish I would have listened to my gut earlier.
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Old 06-03-2010, 12:23 PM
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Hi and welcome to SR, i feel for you, cant ever have a guarantee, my fiance was an A, he cleaned up his act he had been an A for a long time, we then got married I have 2 girls, 7 years down the line he had been sober, then he slipped, so now, we are in the 3rd year of him secretly drinking. I told him to stop 2 years in, said he would, he never did, I found more bottles. I am devastated to say the least. I can only say one thing, what happens if your man has a bad time and the stressor comes back, it just takes one taste, and its back to day 1. Please think very carefully, go to the meetings, read up on here. If u are not married it is easier and less traumatic for your son, if one day u are married and then want to divorce? Addiction is hard on a co dependant & children, nothing you say or do will change how the addict feels.
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Old 06-03-2010, 03:38 PM
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Hi and welcome. I have learned the VERY HARD WAY that if in doubt - don't. There is less harm done delaying a marriage than regretting one on down the road. If I had it all to do again I would not marry until I felt absolutely 100% that I was doing the right thing. Especially with a child involved.

It sounds like your gut is trying to tell you something. I have never thought that it is a good idea to allow your head to talk you out of the doubt. If it is there - then there is a good reason for it. Whether you are picking up on what is happening or what is going to happen.

Addiction NEVER goes away. Even when people have long term sobriety they can go back out. The risks do go down but any addict in recovery will tell you that all they have is today. You will never be able to control whether someone stays sober or not so if that is an issue for you then you know what to avoid.

What is the harm in giving this more time? You have been engaged for a long time now and maybe a little longer would be a good idea.

It sounds like you are on the right track. Going to meetings and really learning what addiction is has helped me a whole lot.
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Old 06-03-2010, 04:08 PM
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Trust your gut, it is usually right.

You have a child, so the stakes are higher.

At this time, I believe that you are better off being a fiance rather than a wife. There are
far fewer legal issues to sort out if it doesn't work.

Once an addict always an addict, it is just a matter if they are activily using or not. And, relapse may always be on the horizon, one never knows when or if it will happen.

I wouldn't go forward with marriage at this time, there is no rush, your priorty is your child, you are his today and tomorrow, he is depending on you to make the right decision for him.

You are on the right track, keep going, think with your head not your heart!

Dolly
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