and... he's back from rehab
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Washington
Posts: 26
and... he's back from rehab
a little over a month ago i joined this site when my boyfriend called me out of nowhere to tell me he had been doing oxys and lying to me about it. he told me he was going to detox, and then to rehab. i was scared out of my mind, and so confused. the people in here really helped me, and i wanted to reach out again.
my guy just got back from rehab a week ago. he was in a short program, but i can really tell how much treatment has helped him. i went to visit him while he was there, and it was strange, because i couldnt tell when he was using, but looking back now that he is sober, he looks better, sounds coherent, and has his passion for life and ambition back already.
he moved into an oxford house, and got a job. ive been as supportive as i possibly can, but im trying to figure out the correct balance between being supportive, and enabling. ive been going to meetings with him, not every meeting, but so far two. they are really helping me understand what he's going through, and its nice to be able to share in the recovery process with him, because i know if i am going to stay with him i can't just say goodluck with everything let me know when you wanna take me to dinner.
however, its hard because i feel like im walking on eggshells with him. his moods are so up and down, and i don't want to say something that will upset him because i don't know how he will react. he's having trouble sleeping, and is dealing with real emotions for the first time in a long time. i just want to know what i can do to bring up my own needs, without sounding selfihs or uncaring.
my guy just got back from rehab a week ago. he was in a short program, but i can really tell how much treatment has helped him. i went to visit him while he was there, and it was strange, because i couldnt tell when he was using, but looking back now that he is sober, he looks better, sounds coherent, and has his passion for life and ambition back already.
he moved into an oxford house, and got a job. ive been as supportive as i possibly can, but im trying to figure out the correct balance between being supportive, and enabling. ive been going to meetings with him, not every meeting, but so far two. they are really helping me understand what he's going through, and its nice to be able to share in the recovery process with him, because i know if i am going to stay with him i can't just say goodluck with everything let me know when you wanna take me to dinner.
however, its hard because i feel like im walking on eggshells with him. his moods are so up and down, and i don't want to say something that will upset him because i don't know how he will react. he's having trouble sleeping, and is dealing with real emotions for the first time in a long time. i just want to know what i can do to bring up my own needs, without sounding selfihs or uncaring.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
You don't have to walk on eggshells. Nothing you say or don't say is responsible for his addiction or relapse if that happens, nor is it responsible for his sobriety. If our words or actions had that kind of control, not one of us would be here.
Early recovery is hard, they say the real work begins after you leave rehab. Rehab isn't a cure, it is a program that supplies tools that help them deal with life on life's terms. So he may be adjusting to the real world right now.
What may help you most is to find some meetings of your own which will provide you with your own support system as well. It's better to live in your own recovery than to try to live in his. You may find that once you get your own recovery rolling, the two of you may have more in common than you think (recovery-wise). And if things go south, you will have your own tools to fall back on and a support system to help you.
Give it some thought. Your life is not an extension of his, it is all yours to live in a way that is healthy for you.
Hugs
Early recovery is hard, they say the real work begins after you leave rehab. Rehab isn't a cure, it is a program that supplies tools that help them deal with life on life's terms. So he may be adjusting to the real world right now.
What may help you most is to find some meetings of your own which will provide you with your own support system as well. It's better to live in your own recovery than to try to live in his. You may find that once you get your own recovery rolling, the two of you may have more in common than you think (recovery-wise). And if things go south, you will have your own tools to fall back on and a support system to help you.
Give it some thought. Your life is not an extension of his, it is all yours to live in a way that is healthy for you.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
I agree with Ann. Find a meeting for yourself. That is working recovery side by side, but not you working his with him, but you working yours, for you. Like parallel tracks.
I would suggest spending some time on this subject:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...etachment.html
It's a lot to take in, for both of you. Do your best to not be too involved with what/how his is going. And be careful. I have had experience thinking that my addict was fine, and clean, when he was not.
I would suggest spending some time on this subject:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...etachment.html
It's a lot to take in, for both of you. Do your best to not be too involved with what/how his is going. And be careful. I have had experience thinking that my addict was fine, and clean, when he was not.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Washington
Posts: 26
Thank you! Coffee drinker- I think thats what scares me the most. I had no idea that he was using in the first place. Now that he is sober, i can tell a difference, but I couldn't see it when it was happening right in front of my face. I don't want to constantly worry if he is going to relapse or constantly push him in the right direction, because i know that ultimately he needs to push himself, but I'm a little bit scared for the future. He always tells me i think too much about the future, but its difficult not to.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Before my daughter went to rehab, I was deep into my own recovery program with the 12 steps and a therapist, too.
It took me a while to figure out why everyone kept pushing the steps. The more they pushed, the more I resisted. My therapist realized that, so he changed his approach. We'd work on something and then he'd say "that's the ___ step." I figured it out after I started doing it, and it all makes sense now.
When I worked the program I wanted her to do, everything in my life changed for the better
It took me a while to figure out why everyone kept pushing the steps. The more they pushed, the more I resisted. My therapist realized that, so he changed his approach. We'd work on something and then he'd say "that's the ___ step." I figured it out after I started doing it, and it all makes sense now.
When I worked the program I wanted her to do, everything in my life changed for the better
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by pinkrose77 
Thank you! Coffee drinker- I think thats what scares me the most. I had no idea that he was using in the first place. Now that he is sober, i can tell a difference, but I couldn't see it when it was happening right in front of my face. I don't want to constantly worry if he is going to relapse or constantly push him in the right direction, because i know that ultimately he needs to push himself, but I'm a little bit scared for the future. He always tells me i think too much about the future, but its difficult not to.
I prefer to live in the moment. If this were to be my last day on earth, I would want to live it to the fullest, not sit here worrying about the future.
That's all any of us have for sure...the moment right in front of us.
Get thee to some support meetings for yourself.
Get a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
The best support I can be to anyone in my life is to have my own program of recovery.
Without that, I don't have a whole lot to offer anyone.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 12
I feel the same way. My fiance has been clean for 8 months. The difference in actions is insane. He has energy, ambition, and plays with his son again.
I didn't see the signs that he was using in the past, so I'm worried that I won't be able to see them if he were to relapse. I don't want to question too much or watch what he does too much, but at the same time I don't want to look like an idiot again not seeing the signs (if he were to relapse).
I haven't tried doing the meetings for me. I also suggested that we start going to counseling so I can voice my hestiations and he can say whatever is on his mind. Maybe this would be something that could help you too...
I didn't see the signs that he was using in the past, so I'm worried that I won't be able to see them if he were to relapse. I don't want to question too much or watch what he does too much, but at the same time I don't want to look like an idiot again not seeing the signs (if he were to relapse).
I haven't tried doing the meetings for me. I also suggested that we start going to counseling so I can voice my hestiations and he can say whatever is on his mind. Maybe this would be something that could help you too...
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
