newnormal4me

I feel like something is seriously wrong with me. I hope someone will say they have been as foolish. AH and I have been married for over 17 years! The first 12ish were either really good, good or fine. About 6 years ago he got into drugs. This after having our two children – seriously he started this crap between babies! I was clueless for a while since he was a drinker and I just thought he was going off the edge with that. I didn’t realize at the time that he was massively drinking to bring himself down off drugs. Truthfully I was clueless about drugs. I have never been interested in then at all so also very naive too.

So about 5 ½ years ago I found paraphernalia. I was in total shock and after a few days of praying about what to do, he asked what was bothering me and I told him in tears. He claimed it was not what I thought it was and sad to say, with a baby facing heart surgery at the time I just couldn’t deal with the truth I guess so I put my head in the sand. He swore up and down there was no “issue” of course.

So about 9 months later I discovered worse stuff – literally days after scheduling counseling. He confessed to the counselor and me and long story short (after about a month of couples counseling) the counselor said she could not help us until he got help, but continued to see me for codependency issues. I did this for a little over a year all the while dealing with BS and chaos on a semi-regular basis. The counselor kept pushing the idea of intervention and I truly felt that would not work with AH so I quit counseling.

Here I stand 5 ½ friggin years after all this BS began in my life and I’m STILL HERE! About a 1 ½ years ago I finally for the first time left for a few days, and since then have felt myself coming to a realization that I have to get off this ride. I just haven’t yet. I left again last summer for 9 days, then in Jan this year I kicked him out (for very good reason) and he was gone for a week, then came back all humbled acting and ready to get his life back in order. I foolishly let him come back, cause you all know the same old story – within two weeks he was back using again!

This has been a hell ride for me. I hate breaking up our family – I came from a broken home (dad died from alcoholism when I was a teen). I also swore I would NEVER bring kids into a situation like I had, yet here we are. I just can’t believe it. AH loves our kids and treats them good, but our relationship is gone for the most part. Except for the occasionally period of abstinence from drugs (never from alcohol though), he can act sweet and loving. Yet, never sorry, never humble and ready to do anything. I have asked, begged, pleaded for him to get help. He has lightly considered it a time or two. But nada…just continues on.

Recently I am getting closer to having enough – I have told him multiple times over the past week I want a separation. Yet, disgustingly, he will not leave! He refuses to leave and says “do what you’ve got to do”. I’m the one paying the dang mortgage!!! I saw a lawyer last November and she sprung on me that until a legal separation or divorce goes through court, I can’t make him leave! The only option is if he threatens me I can file a restraining order to get him out. However, he never lays a hand on me. She said an accusation of drug use is not enough either.

What is sick is that I still love and long for the man I had for 13 years! I have basically spent my entire adult life with this person. He was normal back then, we worked hard and we even built a house together. I’m heartbroken, angry, sick, disgusted at myself, etc. How much does it take a person to realize that this is ridiculous and needs to stop??? So sad cause he was at one time such a great guy.

If you read this far, thanks for reading.

coffeedrinker

Well, first of all, let yourself off the hook a little. Many of us have walked in your shoes; we understand the strong pull and the bond that is very difficult to break.

There are complex reasons why you're so attached to your husband; probably not wanting to give up your dreams of the future you hoped for is the hardest (imo).

Perhaps you can give therapy another try? You may be in a better place, and there are so many therapists out there. Some are a good fit, they have some different outlooks and philosophies, and some just aren't very effective. I personally have gained a lot of strength from the relationship that I currently have with a therapist.

I guess I would suggest moving forward with a divorce, if that is the ultimate goal for you. Ya know, you can always change your mind. Even if you do divorce, that doesn't have to be forever, either. This knowledge might bring you some peace.
You are making the mortgage payment; are you paying for everything in the household? Figure out ways to stop, if that's the case. You do not have to buy his gas, his car payment, his groceries, etc. Does his paycheck go into a joint account? He is already hostile toward you; maybe you can take steps to disengage from his financially.

Just know, that we will support you in your efforts to move forward.

Soleus

I jumped on the ride unknowlingly almost 2 years ago. My exbf at the time seemed like a great, fantastic guy. At the time, like you, I had know idea about drugs or addiction, the irradict behavior. I never thought drugs could be the source of what was going on, he always had an excuse to cover what was going on. It blew me out of the water when I learned he was an addict and still using drugs even though he told me he'd been clean 5 years. Being naive I thought 5 years clean meant it was history when in reality he never stopped using drugs.

I did the same, I stuck with him for a while, tried to be there for him and hoped it would get better. He went away to rehab and detox for a while and I thought that was a good sign he was on his way so I took him back. Needless to say that didn't work and I cut all ties on him, he wasn't ready to get better.

I understand how tough this is, the hoping and the desire that something will change. I was there also. Once he was out of my life I realized how much drama was involved with him, how much chaos and disruption. I know that's going on for you too and you don't deserve that, your children don't deserve that in your life. You said at one time he was a great guy, I'm sorry to say he's not that person anymore. He's changed and instead of hoping to find that guy again you have to see that it's not going to be any time soon, not soon enough for what you deserve. No one can tell you when enough is enough, but look at your kids and think about what enough is for them.

Much love and support, I hope you can find the strength and support here. It's a long, tough journey but we're all here to support you in whatever happens. <3

Flippingyrl

I agree with Soleus.

I am new in this whole situation. My fiance has been clean for 8 months. We have a 4 year old son together. One of the first things (someone told me on here) that stuck out to me was that he is no longer the man I fell in love with. I didn't think of it that way, but it makes total sense to me now. Even if he were to stay clean, he still wouldn't be the same person as back then. His decisions have changed him.

I honestly don't have a good answer for you as to what you should do. It gets so much harder when children are involved. You want them to grow up in a family that is together. At the same time, you don't want them exposed to this type of behavior. Ultimately, only you can make that decision. My suggestion would be to try counseling one more time before you make that ultimate decision. Maybe you will realize something you didn't before.

As everyone else has said, you have support here in whatever decision you make.

hello-kitty

Hi. I read it. Thanks for sharing your story! I admire your tenancity. :-)

Eventually we reach a point where the pain of leaving is worse than the pain of staying - for us and for our children. We realize that the sickness we are exposing our children too is detrimental to their mental health and development. Kids need at least ONE STRONG HEALTHY PARENT. Obviously that falls on you. A drug addict cannot be a strong healthy parent. Unfortunately if all your focus and energy are consumed by trying to help your drug addicted spouse, you can't be that strong healthy parent either. And the children are left with no one...

I encourage you to read all you can on this website. You'll find much experience, strength and hope for your future. And the future of your children.

Welcome again.

Kelrunran

You have come to the right place to find people who have gone what you are experiencing. My experience is a little different because the addict in my life is my son. However, the pain, rehab, broken promises, lies etc. are all the same. He is not the kid we raised. We made a contract when he came home from rehab and he did great for six months but then he relapsed. There were not any questions asked - he had to leave. It was really difficult to watch him walk out the door with his stuff in bags. We haven't heard from him now in over three months but honestly, I know it was the best decision. He went to rehab because my husband and I hit our bottoms, but he never hit his. Life is better without all the drama, wonder and worrying. I, of course, have sadness in my heart but it is now in the hands of my higher power.

Al-non has helped me a ton. You will be in my prayers...hang in there!

sunnygirl68

You are not alone...I tried holding my family together for over 10 years and kept taking him back hoping and praying he was done (that is what he said too), mix in repeat prison time and constant counseling as well as being manipulated and guilted into staying. When you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, you find a better way to live. If love could cure them, there wouldnt be any addicts. I think that we as codies or friends and family of addicts have to reach our own "bottom", it comes at different times for different people and sometimes it doesnt come at all.
I would say in my own experience I had to decide what was best for ME first and then the rest just fell right into place.
Good Luck!

ThatLittleGirl

SR is the perfect place for you...it was the first place to give me the insight into my situation in a way that I could finally grasp the gravity of my husband's addiction and see how far down I had let myself go... You are not alone in the emotional chaos you are experiencing...I too have children with my AH...and I just left my AH after almost eleven years of being together. For the first four years or so...I didn't even know he was using... didn't really understand it, or the consequences... Then when I did, I was sure I was going to "save" him...I was going to "fix" everything... Well, here I am. My daughters and I are living with my parents...My house is up for sale...and my divorce will be final in July. And I could NOT be happier... It took a lot for me to get there...and yes, I do wonder if I waited too long where my daughters' are concerned... But my wonderful mother told me that I left when the time was "right" for me...and had I left any sooner...I probably would have went back for more...because I just didn't have my gut full yet... It eats at me to think how much I put myself and my daughters through...until I'd had enough to know it was time to leave. But that's the truth... You need to do what's best for you and your children...and you need to make decisions when you are ready...you can't do it for anyone else...these have to be your choices...keeping in mind what's best for your children...

I would recommend reading the stickies and past threads on this forum... Everyone on here is soooo supportive... Get yourself centered...Get some knowledge for yourself (knowledge is power)...and make the decisions from a place of knowing...not an emotional state... I always say, you'll know when you know... I did, and I have NO regrets...

Good luck and email anytime if you want to chat!!!

Callie

You are so not alone. Like many others, I went through the same thing. Time flies when you're having fun doesn't it? I regret not getting out sooner. Once I was in the center of the hurricane with XAH (trying to pull him from addiction) it was everything that I could do to pull myself out.

My advice is to make a plan and follow through. I went through the same thing with getting XAH out of the house. Your lawyer is right, until something is final, there's nothing that you can do. I basically packed up andstayed with my parents for a month or so. All the while he was down here looped out of his mind trashing the house.

NoelleO

He will not leave. I know from experience. It took me a few years to realize that I had to be the one to take the jump and leave, because he never would. Addicts are quite content living with you and feeding off of you. We are their enablers. All of us do it, it's just apart of loving an addict. And we do love them, oh so much. Why? Not sure but we do.

I can't tell you to leave, it's something you have to decide to do and follow through with. But just know that he won't. Just another burden on you. We're always holding it together for our addicts.

I did leave -- talked to our landlord and told her that I had to get out of my situation and she let me go. I took our daughter and moved in with my aunt. Best decision I've ever made. I didn't do it because I didn't love him. I just finally realized that I loved my daughter and myself more.

You will make the right decision for yourself. Good luck with everything. I've been there over and over again.

dollydo

So sorry you are going through this.

The way I see it, your family is already broken up. You are just sharing the same space. You have got to know that your children hear and see everything, they internalize, that is the fooler, we adults think they don't know a thing. Wrong!

I was raised by alcoholics, what I didn't see or hear, I felt. Believe me, I paid the price long into adulthood, the scars still remain today.

He is not the man you fell in love with, that man is gone, at least for now! Living in a world of what if's will not change who he is today, only he can do that, through recovery which is a lifelong process, an addict is never cured, it is just a matter of whether they are active or not. That's it.

I cannot tell you what to do, all I can say is:

Children first, no exceptions.

newnormal4me

Thanks everyone for your replies. I truly appreciate it. Since I posted this we have not stayed in the same place overnight. I left for a few days (with kids), then I came home and he left for the weekend, then I was on a business trip most of this week now back and not sure what will happen tonight.

He let his mom and mine keep each of our kids while I was out of town. He has not seen our son in a week, and only saw our daughter last night because she was asking to see him and I took her over (although we barely spoke, which is fine at the moment). Drama continues, and he is completely out of it and jaded - he seriously compares his "issue" (which if someone sat him down he'd try to say is not a big deal) against my "issues" which there is no comparison! I admit I'm not perfect, but I barely drink, don't do drugs, go to work everyday and take good care of my kids. It's sick! Yet if I let myself I could get sucked into the manipulative talk and the deflection and actually start believing some of the crap that spews out of his mouth.

I told everyone I was calling a lawyer today, yet didn't. It is so darn hard to take those crucial steps. Yet I cry missing the guy I married. I cry thinking about having to sell our dream home (in the worst economy ever!), the home we saved for 5 years to build! I told my son last weekend that mom and dad would be splitting up and he started bawling. How on earth do you not get completely affected by that!

Meanwhile AH refuses to have any sort of conversation to move us forward. He is in huge denial and I know that you can't talk "rationals" with a person actively using, even if he doesn't use every single day. He is still a friggin mess.

I am devastated. Yesterday morning the thought of having to go home put my stomach in knots. I stayed at my mom's last night - I couldn't bear to be around him. Now tonite I headed home and felt like I was going to throw up - I could feel major anxiety moving in. I'm having heart palpitations on top of it all. It's making me completely sick. This is the first time really though, that I have felt this anxiety level, so maybe it's a subconscious reality that I've finally reaching my bottom and ready to move forward for me and my kids - despite the pain all 3 of us are gonna go through.

I HATE ADDICTION!!!!!!

hello-kitty

Appreciate the update. Sometimes it's hard to put one foot in front of the other but eventually you will get to where you need to be. Baby steps is all it takes. I don't know you but I'm proud of you for beign so strong in such a difficult situation. Hang in there. (((hugs)))

dollydo

Yes, addiction is a bummer I hate it too!

The material things you are worried about letting go really don't make a bit of difference. A house is four walls, a home is a place of comfort and peace, you are living in a house, not a home.

Your children will be sad, that is normal, however, they are suffering right now, this enviorment is not good for them. Please put your children first, they are depending on you to make the right decision for them, for their well being, not only today but into tomorrow.

My gut tells me that you will make the right decision.

We are her for you, keep posting.

Dolly

newnormal4me

Isn't it crazy how materials things can have such a hold. I know they mean nothing - I think it is the hard work we put into creating our life together that is about to tumble to the ground that is killing me. I know I can rebuild...rebuilding sucks though...its hard. I am not looking forward to any of this. I feel like I'm falling apart.

Yet, I know me and my kids deserve so much better. We deserve peace above all things and comfort - and I know we can attain that some day. I feel like I'm on the dock trying to take off across stormy seas, knowing that it's the only way to get to the peaceful side. It's terrifying...

Thanks for your replies...it means a lot.

hello-kitty

And you and your kids will have better very soon, because you love them enough to make the hard choices. The wise choices.

sofacat

After 10 years with Mr.Sofa and his addiction to painkillers...I had finally hit my own bottom. I think that is when the change happens. At that point I knew I had to do whatever it took to get away from the chaos. I was going down with Him. I saw it, I felt it, I knew it.

That's when I found this place. Actually, trying to find answers for Him. Thankfully, it became the place for Me to start the healing for myself. I have learned now that if I work on Me...the rest will come, as it will for you too.