love123

Okay so heres the story. This morning i was looking at my boyfriends phone and in the drafts part this was a text to this girl named "na jamie" saying call me as soon as you can. Im guessing he met her from a na meeting since it says "na jaime". There was nothing in his inbox or outbox from her and there were no incoming or outgoing calls from her.

Im very insecure when it comes to him because i caught him talking to a girl from his rehab, a girl from hampton house, and a girl from a halfway house. All of which he lied to me about and i had to hear from the girls. They all said that they never didnt anything physically with him but that he told them that he didnt have a girlfriend and all three of them said that he told them that they were the love of his life.

I flipped. He admitted to it and said he didnt know why he did it and that he didnt mean any of it. I forgave him of course. But this is why im so insecure.

SO back to the text i found this morning.. I texted him about it and he said that she was someone he met from his NA meeting and that she had relapsed and was seeing if she was okay. He said he deleted all texts/calls from her because he knew i thought he was cheating. But i dont get it dont you think he would leave the texts there to prove to me he wasnt cheating and just makeing sure that she was okay?

For the past few days hes been like 45 minutes late coming home from his NA meetings because he says he was talking to people. What a coinsidence.

All of this is making me go crazy because does that sound truthful? He told me i could go to his meetings with him if i didnt believe him. So im going to go, i told him he had to introduce me to this 'jaime girl" as his girlfriend. Im scared to find out how things turn out...

suki44883

Sounds like you don't trust him and if you go snooping into his personal places, don't be so surprised if you find something you don't like. A true relationship isn't like that. You wouldn't have to snoop because he would give you no reason not to trust him. A relationship cannot survive without trust.

Freedom1990

Several of us often stand around talking after meetings, or go have coffee somewhere.

Is this the kind of relationship you want, where you 'police' him, and he controls you?

Jenny1232

Others are right, but honestly, I wouldn't believe a word he says. It's not the first time, and it won't be the last.

You should be worried - for yourself. That you are continuously settling for less than.

Jenny1232

Also, I used to snoop a lot. In the end, I never did anything about my 'findings'. If you're going to let them brainwash or manipulate you into believing their lies, what's the point in even discovering them?

Unless you do something about it, I'd make a conscious effort to stop snooping. It's disrespectful, for both him, and yourself. You're just causing yourself more pain, more worry. Somethings are better left unknown.. if you aren't going to do anything to prevent it in the future, or walk away from the negative situation.

Ann

Sweetie, he has given you reason to not trust him, regardless of what he is or isn't doing now.

Do you want to spend your life in this kind of anxiety? No matter what he does, you won't trust him, and no matter how much you police him, it won't make him any more or less trustworthy than he is or isn't now.

Instead of going to HIS meetings to watch every move he makes...why not find your own meetings and learn how to live a healthier life, with or without him. Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three great fellowships that just may help you get your life and your sanity back.

Hugs

dollydo

Sounds like he's a player.

You are so young, why waste your time with a guy like him?

You are insecure with him, why not find someone that you can trust and build a relationship with? You are and will go nowhere with him.

He , just has too many issues, issues that you should not have to deal with at your age.

Tell us something about you, after you graduate are you going onto college? What are your hobbies? Do your parents know what's going on with you ABF?

All your posts are about him...who are you?

smacked

I'm surprised he's willing to be "snooped" upon. Course, he's given you reason to police him, but what kind of relationship is that.. almost parental/authoritative. Certainly not loving. Leave him to his recovery, if he wants to cheat on you, he will.

If YOU think you deserve a better relationship, take action. Until then, nothing changes if you don't.

hello-kitty

Where does his life end, and your life begin?
Why are you snooping?
How did you know Jamie was a girl?
If you can't trust him, why are you with him?
Where do you want to be 5 years from now? How are you going to get there?

Worry never solved anything. But if I was you, I'd certainly be worried about MYSELF and the unhealthy choices I was making. I'd take a close look at myself, and ask myself why I am chasing unhappiness. What happened to me in the past that makes me who I am, and then I'd start trying to figure out who I wanted to be and how I was going to get there so I didn't spend the rest of my life living in this unhealthy unhappy way.

Maybe asking this question is out of line. But maybe you don't know and someone needs to tell you - do you realize that your relationship is toxic and unhealthy? It's making you sick.

Do you want to get better?

love123

See I don't want to break up with him because I've decided to forgive him about the other girls in the past. And I don't want to leave him if he really is not cheating id feel bad knowing I broke up with him for no reason. Knowing he was only really trying to help this girl, ya know?

And I think a lot that is holding me back is I don't ever want to be home because my moms boyfriend is very mean to me and doesn't have a job and is mean to my mom. Me and my mom both have jobs and contribute to the household but he lays on the couch and does nothing and I can't stand being around that. So I stay at my boyfriends house everyday cause his family is so loving. So this makes it so much harder for me to leave him.

I have a job now and seeking for another. After graduationg I am going to cosmetology school and school for human services. I want my license for cosmetology to make money on the side but I want to be a social working to help abused children who don't grow up in right enviorments like me. So I am doing a lot for myself and helping taking care of my ABF.

My mom doesn't like him much but she accepts because she thinks I'm better with him then staying at home and getting yelled at by her bf. My dad doesn't mind because I don't see him much.

I just have so much going on that I feel like being with him helps me and majes me happy but also doesn't...

dollydo

Thanks for posting about you. It really does help me understand why you are where you are at in your life today.

I am sorry that your home is not one that you are comfortable in. It is apparent that you mother is/has made bad choices with men, and, you may be following in her footsteps, many times we mirror our parents, not by choice, it is all we know.

Your educational plan sound good, have you applied to schools?

AlwaysGrowing

love
Finding validation of yourself from others is sad and putting your faith in others that will let you down. 100% Sure of that.

There is only a Plan A if you don't really look for B, C and D.

You have 'read' others advice here. Are you willing to "let go" of the disfunction in your life and Take the Road Less Traveled?

Now I don't know your boyfriend, some of us guys are players and some are not. The players are pretty much players for life.

Being in your postion do you want to worry/have issues all the time.. It is a choice really? Not complex.. Yes or No.. That simple.

Are you really wanting a cause to fix? Yes or No? Really be honest here. Not my life I just care enough to be honest.

If you need help with options Plan B, C, D etc then please ask..

AG

CrackQuack

Ok, so he's done it before. Do you intend to stick around and find out whether he is doing it again or would you be willing to let the past stay in the past and move forward? Just like his active addiction, it's in the past. Does this mean he'll never do either one again? No. It just means that you either have to trust that he will not and hope that he will not or that you should realize the bonds of trust are broken and cannot (will not) be repaired. It's a lot of work to rebuild trust of this caliber. Both of you have to be willing, but snooping only breaks his trust in you (and alerts him to be more sneaky if he's doing anything wrong) and does nothing to quell your fears. I agree when I read the reply about "if we look long/hard enough, we'll find what we're looking for". Be it real or perceived is a whole other issue...


Oh that sounded SO believable UP UNTIL he said that he deleted all texts/calls from her because he just "knew" you thought he was cheating. Uhhh, NO. Anyone with NOTHING to hide will hide NOTHING. This is highly suspicious. Again, you should not have been snooping, but it appears that he just tried to save face. And did poorly. I've said the similar things and my XABF said similar things and yes, he had A LOT to hide. But that is him and I do not know your boyfriend, but that line is suspect.


This is actually typical. I've been known to fellowship after a meeting. Go get ice cream. Go bowling. Sit outside (or inside) and BS with other recovering addicts. It does happen.

Simple advice? Take it or leave it but either decide, now, whether you want to continue to feel insecure and constantly worry about whether he is cheating OR simply trust him OR leave. And I'd say call his bluff and go to the meeting, but I don't think that would be any benefit to you. If she knows about you, the two of them can just make junk up as they go along and act normal, or all kinds of things can go wrong. Why would you want to meet her anyway?
Whether or not all goes well, he's going to be suspicious of you from now on and if he's hiding something, he'll be way more careful. If not, then he might be upset at you.
How long do you want to continue the cycle? This is the basic point.
And I see that your mother has made some poor choices. She's staying in a very unhealthy relationship and being a poor role model for yourself. I really think you need to focus on you as you cannot change your ABF or your mother, but you can change you. Good for you on school. Stay focused on that as it is a part of the things you can control, which are all things about YOU and directly you. We cannot control or change anyone else. We CAN change how we react TO things other people do and say to us. We do not have to be in unhealthy relationships.
Have you tried going to meetings for yourself? Like Alanon or Naranon? I hear so many people saying how much those meetings have helped them. *HUGS* I know sometimes we may seem harsh, but we really mean the best. I hope you know that.

Freedom1990

Reading this made my heart hurt. I'm sorry for the difficult circumstances you live with. Please know that I will keep you in my prayers, okay?

hello-kitty

Yay! Focus on these things love. This is where you will find fulfillment and happiness. Have you registered for cosmetology school yet?

lightseeker

Loves.....thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you are in a tough place that feels like there aren't any good options. But there are....you are building a future for yourself by going to school and figuring out how you can support yourself and not be dependent on anyone else.

Have you thought about going to meetings for yourself? Naranon or Alanon? Both of those have helped me SOOOOOOO much. Sometimes there are concurrent NA and Naranon meetings and that is something that you could do together.

Trust is something that has to be earned - not something that you have to give. Especially to someone that has demonstrated a lack of trust worthiness. A lot of people with substance abuse problems also have underlying issues regarding sex and relationships. I'm not saying that is the case with your BF but it is something to be aware of. None of his issues and behaviors are a reflection on you or your worthiness. I know this for a fact. It's hard not to take it personally but this is a character flaw in him and not anything to do with your worth or value.

Through my own recovery I began to learn how to value myself and how to establish appropriate boundaries. I also learned alot about what is acceptable to me and what is not. It's important to establish more relationships/friendships that are a resource for you and your life - the rooms of recovery are full of people seeking the same. I hope that you will consider going to some meetings. Try a few different ones and give it at least 6 tries........I feel like my own recovery has saved my life. There are ways to avoid abusive and unhappy relationships and learning to value myself helps me to seek healthier relationships.

Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you.

bluebelle

It's wonderful to hear that you have plans for your future. I know how hard it is to have a difficult home situation and that you want to get away. Are there other things that you could do to give you a break from your homelife? Do you have other friends? Are there places that you like to go? Do you like to take walks or go on runs?

I have been there before with a cheating boyfriend. I had caught him cheating in the past--broken up, and went back out with him. I figured that I would forgive him once. After I found out that he was cheating again, I left him for good.

I don't think that snooping will help you in this situation. You cannot control your boyfriend's actions. No matter how much you watch him, or ask him questions, or snoop, he is going to do what he is going to do. If he is going to cheat, he will find a way to do it. My advise is to protect yourself and your sanity. You can work on making your life more positive--concentrate on activities outside of what your boyfriend is doing. That way, if things get messy with him, you will have somewhere else to turn.

My thoughts are with you at this difficult time. This situation reminds me of the guy that I dated in my 20's on and off. I kept thinking he would change. He never did.

coffeedrinker

Love,

You entitled this thread "Should I be worried"

The answer, is Yes.

Yes, you should be worried about his truthfulness, and faithfulness.
Yes, you should be worried about a future with this man.

But more importantly, you should be worried about what you are willing to overlook in order to stay with him. You should be worried about yourself.

The world is full of women who hooked up with men in order to escape their home life/families. I am sympathetic. This man you refer to as your boyfriend is abusive to you. Is your step-father? Or does he have an ugly personality? (not that that's ok, either). It's like you are jumping out of the frying pan, and right into the fire.

I hope you will soon reach the decision that you want more, you want a happier life for you. You said you stay with him because he makes you happy. But, clearly, he is not making you happy. You are a wreck. And you are far too young to have such a tremendous burden on yourself.

Also, you said this:

"I don't want to leave him if he really is not cheating id feel bad knowing I broke up with him for no reason."

It's not "no reason". There are a multitude of reasons, but you are not quite ready to see things for what they really are (in my opinion). We each go at our own pace, and truths are revealed to us in different doses. I think for some reason, we are sort of shielded (blinders put on by our own selves) because we're not quite fully ready to see what is right in front of us.

One of the funny things about the story of Jaime, is that he said he was wanting to reach out to her to help her. But he never did tell you about that, did he? Not until you "busted" him that is. When you guys were hanging out, or having dinner, or going for a walk, did he share with you about this young woman? Isn't he proud of himself, doesn't he want to tell you about the good things he is doing?

Honey, please try really hard not to have those blinders so big and thick. It just hurts more in the end.

hello-kitty

Come back Love - Let us know how you are doing!

love123

Sorry I've been so distracted all day! I couldn't take it anymore I just had a gut feeling something wasn't right so I broke up with him. We argued a little bit and then he just didn't even care which is weird cause he's usually not like that. I'm just so scared to be with out him and trying to be strong. I don't know why but I'm hoping he texts or calls me.

Thanks to everyone for caring about me and helping me!