No longer an addict?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 6
No longer an addict?
10 years ago my husband went to rehab. because he was abusing alcohol, marijuana, and pills. Now for the past year he has been smoking pot off and on and on one occasion he drank alcohol. He has "quit" smoking pot a few times over the past year because it was triggering massive anxiety attacks.
Now he has been smoking regularly for the past 2 months or so. He says he is feeling great and has never felt better. He says the pot isn't affecting his life in any negative way and he doesn't see why he shouldn't be able to smoke if he wants to.
I know he has been smoking more than just when he goes out with his friends, including around the house, which I specifically asked him not to do (something I posted about previously and got such great advice from everyone, thank you!!!) and lying about it.
I can see this ending badly as usual but he is convinced that everything is going to be great from now on and I should just let him do what he wants to do and pretty much mind my own business.
How could he go for 10 years being an addict and not drinking or smoking because he couldn't, to believing it's okay for him to get stoned on a daily basis? It makes absolutely no sense.
If I try to bring it up or voice my concerns he gets defensive and it's just pointless. I've learned a little bit about setting boundaries but I still have a lot of learning to do.
I just can't make sense of why this is happening and when I look into the future I feel hopeless that this is what I will have to deal with for the next 40 years. Sometimes I feel like I can deal with it and still be happy and enjoy life, but right now I feel like I am stuck and at the mercy this crazy denial. I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Thank you for listening. It really feels good to say this to people who knows how it feels.
~Amy
Now he has been smoking regularly for the past 2 months or so. He says he is feeling great and has never felt better. He says the pot isn't affecting his life in any negative way and he doesn't see why he shouldn't be able to smoke if he wants to.
I know he has been smoking more than just when he goes out with his friends, including around the house, which I specifically asked him not to do (something I posted about previously and got such great advice from everyone, thank you!!!) and lying about it.
I can see this ending badly as usual but he is convinced that everything is going to be great from now on and I should just let him do what he wants to do and pretty much mind my own business.
How could he go for 10 years being an addict and not drinking or smoking because he couldn't, to believing it's okay for him to get stoned on a daily basis? It makes absolutely no sense.
If I try to bring it up or voice my concerns he gets defensive and it's just pointless. I've learned a little bit about setting boundaries but I still have a lot of learning to do.
I just can't make sense of why this is happening and when I look into the future I feel hopeless that this is what I will have to deal with for the next 40 years. Sometimes I feel like I can deal with it and still be happy and enjoy life, but right now I feel like I am stuck and at the mercy this crazy denial. I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Thank you for listening. It really feels good to say this to people who knows how it feels.
~Amy
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
How could he go for 10 years being an addict and not drinking or smoking because he couldn't, to believing it's okay for him to get stoned on a daily basis? It makes absolutely no sense.
It caused anxiety because his brain was already chemically balanced, yet he pushed through it because he wanted to get high. Now it isn't balanced and he's hooked again.
So, it doesn't make sense to you and it's a problem for you. What do YOU want to do about it?
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I am glad talking about it helps you feel better. Just what have you learned about boundaries? Because you are not stuck, even though you might feel that way. You are very much in control of your choice to stay with someone who is using drugs.
Have you considered Alanon? This would be a great time for your to start some serious work on your recovery. Just because he relapses doesn't mean that you have to. Sometimes we have to "let go or be dragged."
Have you considered Alanon? This would be a great time for your to start some serious work on your recovery. Just because he relapses doesn't mean that you have to. Sometimes we have to "let go or be dragged."
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 6
Thank you so much to everyone for opening my eyes. I've spent the past 10 years with my head buried in the sand, believing that my husband's addiction problem was somehow cured.
I finally feel ready to deal with this and begin my recovery, even if my husband won't even admit that he has a problem. It's kind of freeing to realize that I can't fix him, and it's not my job to fix him (contrary to my mother-in-law's opinion
It's been a long time since I've focused on myself and how I feel.
Now that he knows where I stand (no drugs or drug use in the house, around me or the kids) and what will happen if he crosses the line (he will have to leave) I can start to learn how to get better. And I have so much to learn, obviously .
I do feel very much un-stuck when I look at things this way.
~ Amy
I finally feel ready to deal with this and begin my recovery, even if my husband won't even admit that he has a problem. It's kind of freeing to realize that I can't fix him, and it's not my job to fix him (contrary to my mother-in-law's opinion
It's been a long time since I've focused on myself and how I feel.Now that he knows where I stand (no drugs or drug use in the house, around me or the kids) and what will happen if he crosses the line (he will have to leave) I can start to learn how to get better. And I have so much to learn, obviously .
I do feel very much un-stuck when I look at things this way.
~ Amy
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
An addict is always an addict, it's just a matter of whether they are active or not.
He is active and it will get worse....I totally agree with Cynical--children first. No exception!
Continue to think with your head and not with your heart. No room for that when there are children involved.
Keep posting, it will help.
He is active and it will get worse....I totally agree with Cynical--children first. No exception!
Continue to think with your head and not with your heart. No room for that when there are children involved.
Keep posting, it will help.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by codenameamy 
How could he go for 10 years being an addict and not drinking or smoking because he couldn't, to believing it's okay for him to get stoned on a daily basis? It makes absolutely no sense.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 83
NAMommy,
You probably know this from your own experiences in NA, but I think it is worth repeating no less. Unless an addict is working an active program of recovery, he is always just waiting for his next fix, whether it is days, months, or even years from now. The rooms of AA and NA are full of people who had serious time - five, ten or even twenty years clean, who for one reason or another decided to pick up again.
His addict brain probably told him that a little MJ would be OK, and it is probably telling him now that it is still OK. The truth of the matter is anyone with a pattern of substance abuse including alcohol and pills who decides after ten years clean that a little MJ is "OK" has clearly slipped back into seriously addictive patterns of thinking.
Maybe somewhere in the cumulative history of human addiction there has been some person somewhere who was addicted, managed to swear off, and then returned to something resembling "ordinary" using, whatever that means... but if your husband had a past history of addiction then the odds are OVERWHELMING that his current use is going to escalate into something beyond "controlled" using, again whatever that means. And it will probably escalate sooner rather than later.
What happens when his addict brain decides, "hey, if MJ isn't so bad for me, if I can handle it like I presently am doing, then how bad could a few pills on a Saturday night be?" You already said he has drank once - how long before he starts drinking or pilling again?
I wouldn't waste too much time trying to half-guess what is going through his mind. The truth of the matter is that he is an addict who has started using again, and there is nothing more that you need to know. If you ask any addict who has started using again after an extended clean period they will always have some story, some justification, some rationale to explain why they picked up again. The truth of the matter is they are all completely irrelevant, and need not be picked apart.
Addicts like to use, plain and simple, and when they are not working a program of recovery the next use is just waiting around the corner. As you no doubt have probably heard in the rooms of NA, the disease is always doing push-ups out in the parking lot.
Ultimately, in view of the fact that he is using again, what are you going to do about it? What boundaries do you have set in place? How are you going to take care of you?
MZ
You probably know this from your own experiences in NA, but I think it is worth repeating no less. Unless an addict is working an active program of recovery, he is always just waiting for his next fix, whether it is days, months, or even years from now. The rooms of AA and NA are full of people who had serious time - five, ten or even twenty years clean, who for one reason or another decided to pick up again.
His addict brain probably told him that a little MJ would be OK, and it is probably telling him now that it is still OK. The truth of the matter is anyone with a pattern of substance abuse including alcohol and pills who decides after ten years clean that a little MJ is "OK" has clearly slipped back into seriously addictive patterns of thinking.
Maybe somewhere in the cumulative history of human addiction there has been some person somewhere who was addicted, managed to swear off, and then returned to something resembling "ordinary" using, whatever that means... but if your husband had a past history of addiction then the odds are OVERWHELMING that his current use is going to escalate into something beyond "controlled" using, again whatever that means. And it will probably escalate sooner rather than later.
What happens when his addict brain decides, "hey, if MJ isn't so bad for me, if I can handle it like I presently am doing, then how bad could a few pills on a Saturday night be?" You already said he has drank once - how long before he starts drinking or pilling again?
I wouldn't waste too much time trying to half-guess what is going through his mind. The truth of the matter is that he is an addict who has started using again, and there is nothing more that you need to know. If you ask any addict who has started using again after an extended clean period they will always have some story, some justification, some rationale to explain why they picked up again. The truth of the matter is they are all completely irrelevant, and need not be picked apart.
Addicts like to use, plain and simple, and when they are not working a program of recovery the next use is just waiting around the corner. As you no doubt have probably heard in the rooms of NA, the disease is always doing push-ups out in the parking lot.
Ultimately, in view of the fact that he is using again, what are you going to do about it? What boundaries do you have set in place? How are you going to take care of you?
MZ
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