Blackrose56

I've been through it before. I know about life with an alcoholic. But I never knew what life was like with a crack addict before my second husband. And I left almost 5 years ago and thought I had it all together. But he started calling last November and saying he wanted to quit. I knew he didn't. I knew he was just hurting. Since I've been gone he's hooked up with one addict after another and yes, every time I heard about the newest one, it hurt. In his entire life I was the only woman he was ever with because he loved me and wanted a life together. The only woman he was ever with when he was truly clean and sober. And we had 5 years before he relapsed again. And I've never experienced something so horrible as crack addiction. So, my dilemma is that I've no idea what an addict can truly be like. Since I've been gone he's gone downhill quickly. He has not had any significant clean time and has even gotten worse in that he's added other drugs and hard liquor. I guess what I'm asking is do they become so cold, heartless and don't even sound like the person you knew. They are selfish, self-centered and are only interested in what you can do for them. He asked me for money...I said no. He asked me to come home...I said no. And then he picked up another addict. That last about 4 weeks and the other night there was a message on my phone that he wondered how I was and to tell me the girl dumped him. And I laughed. How bad are you when addicts dump you? I miss the man he used to be and yet, I know he's not that man anymore. It's just not easy to hear his voice and It sounds like him. But then he goes off on a tangent and I realize he's not the man I knew. I used to have a rotten temper and I worked through that. My therapist told me to bring that temper back for a while so I can take care of myself. I've developed a heart condition and kidney disease at 53 and the doctors tell me it's mainly stress. And I resent that the addicts/alcoholics in my life are going strong and I'm the one who's falling apart.

Chino

"This Shouldn't Be So Hard"

That's the title of your topic and I'm wondering what is so hard? Letting go of someone you already left? Breaking your addiction to him?

detaching200

"how bad are you when addicts dump you?"
This line in your post stood out in particular. Think about why that is. I think you've received a lot of good advice. Just remember we've all been through it too, and you are holding on. Don't talk to him. Change your number. Block his number if you can, do whatever it takes to not talk to him or see him.

Blackrose56

What you said helped. To be real honest I have come a LONG way in 5 years since I left my addict. I have a great job and have moved into my own apartment. And I don't think about him quite as often. I have a great therapist who has helped immensely. He has suggested that I need to go back and see my ex and see what he has truly become. Then the dreams I have that he is still the man I knew would be gone. But with my health issues, and the last 8 months he's been calling, I'm not sure it is necessary. I needed to read again...that he no longer "loves" in the manner I am familar with. I am nothing more than Plan B. When his life falls apart...call me and I'll "fix" it. And that no longer is an option.

Chino

Rose, do you want to let go?

Blackrose56

I first met him when he was 10 years old. We went on with our lives and took different paths. My 1st husband was alcoholic and finally got sober and was sober 8 years before he relapsed and we split up. At this point the man I knew when he was 10 contacted me and said he was still in love with me and he'd been clean 3 years and would I come home and marry him? I went home. He was clean and sober 3 more years before his first relapse. And the next six years....went in and out of jail and in and out of programs. Long story short, if he was truly clean and sober for at least a year, I would give him another chance. I have seen many success stories in AA and have been in and out of Alanon since 1980. And I have seen relationships work when you both work a program. We have such a long history, I hear that voice and I remember the man I knew when he WAS clean and sober. I have seen people change. I have a few great friends in the program.

Blackrose56

In response to Chino. There are times I do...times I don't. The times I do are more and more frequent. Before I ever came around these groups I went through a period where I was cold, hard and nasty...down right mean!! And I gave that up when I met my ex. I opened my heart to him and loved him. And he was the "love of my life". And we had a great relationship. As time goes on and he falls further and further into his addiction...and I move further and further away from addicts....there are times I want to move on.

Blackrose56

For now, I don't go to meetings. I work 8 hour days and when I get home I collapse due to my heart condition and kidney problems. I am barely able to get to my cardiac rehab. I do see a counselor every other week who is helping me to work through a LOT of issues. And he is the reason I have come as far as I have. Maybe I'm not where you are....but I have come a heck of a long way. And no, this latest bimbo dropped him. But I have not called him back or in any way responded to his latest message. For me, it's one step at a time...One day at a time.

Chino

Then you're stuck in the uncertainty of indecision and will stay there until you commit to a decision. I hope you make one soon for your own well being.

Freedom1990

No one, and I mean no one, including the two daughters I gave birth to, are worth me compromising my health over.

My 32 year old is an active alcoholic/addict, and I would have absolutely zero contact with her except that my 14 year granddaughter now lives with her, and I want a good relationship with her. My contact is still minimal with AD as I usually talk to my granddaughter.

My 21 year old is hooked up with an emotionally abusive and controlling alcoholic, and I let her live her life as she sees fit. She knows I don't want to hear about the drama, nor do I wish to be any part of it. If people feel the need to tell me she was at the bar 2 nights in a row with the ABF, I cut the conversation off. I don't wish to know, or need to know.

I don't lose sleep over either one of my daughters. I have placed them in God's loving hands.

Blackrose56

Well guess what...going to meetings I would not be treated as viciously as "cynical one" has responded to me. Now, I know why you are called "cynical" one. And I have been working on "boundaries" and the way you have spoken to me...I will not tolerate. Sorry I thought there were caring people on this site. No wonder I stopped coming on these sites. Too bad I'm not as perfect as you

Chino

Rose, sounds like that's a great incentive to hit some meetings again.

"take what you need and leave the rest"

Freedom1990

For me personally, if someone here says something that I end up angry/upset over, it's usually because they've hit a nerve.

I used to hang up on my sponsor all the time because he wasn't afraid to tell me the truth, even if it hurt my little feelers.

Today I am grateful for the truth, and I am grateful for the people who continue tell me the truth when I have my head up my butt, which I am known to do from time to time!

You have a right to live your life as you see fit, as we all do.

If you want to continue to have contact with him, that's your choice.

I'm 52 years old, with chronic health problems, not exacerbated by any addict/alcoholic, am enrolled in college full-time, and am having a blast!

Life's too short to not have fun and expand my world.

Impurrfect

(((Blackrose))) I'm one of what you called "the bimbos"...former crackhead. I got clean, into recovery and left the man I loved, dearly, because he wouldn't stop using crack.

I came to THIS forum because, though I loved this man, and one of the OTHER 2 XABF's, I'd spent my entire adult-hood with, I know I've been addicted to addicts/alcoholics. Hearing what I've heard hurt, sometimes, but it was what I needed to hear.

I still kept in touch with my last XABF, somewhat..wrote to him in jail (he never had a cell phone or called, that would have taken money away from crack). He died in December.

I, on the other hand, have over 3 years clean, and I will do WHATEVER I can to never let another man have as much control over me as the 3 have in the past. My life means more to me than that. I truly hope that you reach that point, before you die of your OWN addiction....to him.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy