Angelic17

Beautiful, I agree with you. You and your children should not be uprooted because he has a drug problem. However,when your going through the changes of not using the drug for a few days, it's very difficult to focus or do things for yourself. Its a very anxious and aggitating feeling. His blood pressure could go really high, amongst other things. He needs all the help he can get right now. Nobody should detox without medical supervision, or the proper care. Suboxone is a wonder drug. It doesn't get you high, and it blocks withdrawal symptoms. He sounds like he wants the help. The sooner he gets to the Dr. for Suboxone, the better. Be patient until he gets the help. I've been there done that, and it's so tough. He's still a human being who is sick and suffering.

I sure hope things turn out well for you.
You and your children deserve nothing less.
For every addict, there are usually 8 other people that are directly affected in a negative way as well. It's a family disease. Luckily there's help.

Please keep us posted.
We are all hoping and praying things turn out the way you would want them to. We are all here to support you. :ghug3

coffeedrinker

Thank you for your post, Angelic.

Beautifulgirl, you have a bit of a long road to hoe, no matter which way things go. Your positive self-talk is great! You are not playing the victim, nor are you wringing your hands. You WILL prevail.

For what it's worth, my xabf also called the drugs, the dealer, and the lifestyle such things also. I truly believe that it is those things for him. But facing life on life's terms, completely clean and sober, is a daunting task for those who have never done it. Some spend their entire lives shrinking back, clutching onto what has "helped" them in the past, and some lick this thing. Angelic is a great example. Why some do, and some do not, heaven only knows.

Keep coming here, honey. You will receive added strength.

beautifulgirl

Thank you everyone. This is a wonderful place to get support.

I know in life there is no guarantee and you cannot expect anything.

I have prayed and I hope but I face the fact that the odds are already stacked against my husband because he is an addict and will be for the rest of his life.

When my husband speaks I am able to tell if he is being honest. It is when he does not that I do not know.

Interestingly, when we got married he chose our wedding song. The song is called wonderwall by oasis. It is interesting that he chose this song for me back then so many years ago and here we are now. A few of the lyrics are below;

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Angelic17

Those are beautiful lyrics. But one thing I know for sure about drug addicts, is that the only one who can save that person is himself. You cannot change or save another person. It took me a long time to learn that. In my case my son is the opiate addict. I refused to believe that I couldn't fix him. That was a very hard lesson for me.

It took me 28 years to realize that only he can fix himself.
I cannot live his life for him.

Keep coming back, keep listening and learning.
I didn't listen to anyone but myself in the beginning.
Now, I have learned to take advice and listen.

You say that your husband will always be an addict,
and that's true. But, he can be an addict in RECOVERY which allows him to be a good father, and a good husband. If he is an active drug user, that's when you have to protect yourself and your children. There's hope, so hang in there.
Relapse is a major part of early recovery. It takes alot of love and patience to stand by an addict. Great and wonderful people suffer from addiction. It's not a moral issue, and it doesn't make the person a bad person. Give your husband a chance to get well, and be there for him, encouraging him. Not ENABLING. I think he will get well, because alot of people LOVE him. Especially you and his 5 kids.

beautifulgirl

I know I cannot save him from being an addict. He is what he is but without me there might not be anyone to intervene and give him the nudge he needs to get help and in essence if and it is a lifelong if he becomes a recovering addict then I helped to save him by addressing his problem, not allowing it in my life, and pointing him in the right direction to get help.

coffeedrinker

My addict posted that part of the song on his myspace a couple years ago. I asked him in a comment why he loves that song so much and he told me it's because of me, cuz maybe I'm his wonderwall. At the time, after wanting to be Ms Most Important and Special Person in his life for so long, it meant so much to me.

Now I see things much differently.

We can pull them back from the edge of the cliff. But then it's up to them to really do the saving.

beautifulgirl

If you pull them back from the edge of the cliff aren't you helping to save them?

I never even thought about that part of the lyrics having to do with addiction until today. When we got married I thought about the rest of the lyrics too. Specifically one part that said;

Back beat, the word is on the street that the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before but you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now

The song to me then was about us loving each other; nothing about addiction but it has relevancy now in a different way.

wicked

Not if you let go beautiful girl.
Let go.

Beth

thequest

Pardon my ignorance but these roxi's-what do they do?

I know onething the kids should be all the incentive in the world to keep you going through these tough times. They need you sane & strong. Hang in there, Do like many said read and research on your own. Maybe actually call someone or attend a meeting. I've found I gotten more responses and/or advice than I ever expected coming here.

Hang in there!

beautifulgirl

Are you saying to let go of my husband when he has already stopped and wants to get help??

Chino

What does letting go mean to you?

For me, it's meant letting whomever live their life the way they want, without my interference. It means waiting for the question, if someone needs my advice or help (unsolicited advice is always self-serving). It means respecting others right to choose.

It means treating everyone the way I need to be treated.

I need others to let me live my life, stop trying to make me live theirs. If I want or need advice, I know how to ask. I want to make my own decisions and don't want others deciding my destiny unless I'm unable.

I need others to treat me the way they need to be treated.

beautifulgirl

I think you can let a person go or you can let a situation go and I did not know which Wicked meant.

Cynical you are right. I cannot address his problem. Only he can. I can confront a problem if it is affecting me and it is and I was ready to part ways with husband. He said he does not want to do this anymore though, he stopped, and he said he wanted to get help. He will have to get help from a dr and learn how to live without using on his own. We will be here whether he gets help or not. If he doesn't get help though and learn how to live without using he will be gone. That's all there is to it.

Starburst

Hi Beautifulgirl, you sound a bit like me, i am always checking to see how much my AH is drinking and then want to empty out some of the contents, was doing that, but on this site they advised me not to, this am was hard, i was just about toand then remembered and stopped! There is not a lot one can do, they have all the excuses in the book. We have to try to heal ourselves and find a way of coping on our own. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

(((HUGS)))

coffeedrinker

some would disagree, but i think if someone i love is on the very edge, and they are going to jump, i reach out my hand. i hold his/her hand and say "come back. come back. we love you."

"People, people who need people, are the luckiest people in the world."

we DO need one another, we humans. it's where to put those lines that are so darned tricky. once we have grabbed that hand, we may help them to find the right direction to go, but then that is where we have to step back and let them do the rest. i guess that's what i call being supportive.

the stepping back is the hard, and crucial part of this sequence.
and then we need be careful of setting up a "crisis/saving" dynamic.

wicked

I wuold like to use the cliff analogy again.
Let's say you did pull him back from the abyss, "saved" him from certain death. That abyss is always going to have a certain "pull" for him.
He can choose to work against that force by getting a good recovery program for himself. He will have to be the one to work against that pull.

If you continue to hold on to his belt thinking you will save him again, all your energy will be focused on him. You will dig in your heels, be pulled closer and closer to the edge with him. The kids will be waiting, watching, and thinking for themselves. "Why is mom using all her energy and love on Dad?"
Oh, I get it now, I have to become "sick" like Dad to get Mom's attention.
Or, I will beome invisible cause I don't deserve my Mom's attention, and I can't get her attention.
Let go of his belt, let him stand up against this "devil" himself. Let grown men deal as grown men. You take care of your children.
These are early days yet beautiful. I stopped drinking over 13 years ago, and have not had a drink since that day. But, i am in a distinct minority there.
Let go of him, and watch carefully. Roxicets? Mighty, mighty powerful pull.
Have you read any of the substance abuse forums? You could get an idea there what you are up against. Some can do it. I hope for you and your children's sake your husband is one of those people.

Beth

beautifulgirl

Beth I understand what you are expressing.

Coffeedrinker, I understand what you are expressing too.

All of your posts have helped tremendously.

God helps those who help themselves. I am not helping my husband. He is helping himself. I am supportive of his effort to get help though. He wrote the number down yesterday and I woke up this morning to see that he took the number to work. He called me at 9:05 am est. and told me he had a dr's appointment next Monday.

I cannot predict the future but him getting the phone number last night, taking it to work, and calling first thing this morning when they opened to make an appointment tells me that he does really want help.

hello-kitty

Only if they choose not to jump. Otherwise they will just pull you off too. And your children too.

Hammerhead

Beautifulgirl... if you do for him what he is able to do for himself... it could potentially rob him of ownership of his decision.

If he truly wants to "get better"... nothing will stop him....

BTW.. he had no problem making or receiving calls to/from the dealer... so he should have no problem getting, making or receiving calls to the doctor, meetings, etc.

Take care.

Freedom1990

Just some food for thought.

When I was in active addiction, the drugs weren't the problem. They were my solution for a long time, and they were only a symptom of deeper underlying issues.

My disease of addiction is threefold-physical, mental, and spiritual. I had to address all three areas in order to have some semblance of recovery.

Abstaining from the drugs was a crucial first step, but not the total solution for me.

keepinon

I love the cliff analogy-I was so busy pulling my AD up with one hand, calling for help with my other, making sure someone was at the bottom with a net, trying to put a parachute on her back and anything else I could think of to save her from herself. Well, she went over anyway, has survived the fall so far, and is now unhappily wallowing in her own muck. Alanon gave me new perspective though-let go or be dragged. And I had been dragged right into hell with her and I never want to go back. Also, if I am healthy and living my own life, she now has someone she can look up to when she wants out of her own pit. It is so hard but i am trying to keep on keepin on like that old 70's phrase says.