New here.... Need advice

Old 05-30-2010, 07:37 PM
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New here.... Need advice

Hi,

My husband is a recovering drug addict (pills, alchohol, and pot) and has been clean for the past 10 years, up until about a year ago. He has started smoking pot regulary again and I'm scared.
He is a great husband and father, I am able to stay home and take care of our children and he is a very hard worker and makes good money. We have a very comfortable lifestyle.
He knows I don't like that he is smoking pot again and the only thing I have asked is that he not smoke it in our home or get stoned when we are spending time together alone. He says I have no right to tell him what to do and I have no right to mother him. He doesn't understand that I've spent the past 10 years of my life thinking that my husband is an addict and It's very hard for me to just do a complete 180 and be okay with this now.
I feel like I have the right to ask him to not smoke pot around me or be stoned around me or our children.
He thinks that because he's been ok with this for the past few months ( before that he had major anxiety problems and actually quit smoking pot a few times within the past year) I see his pattern and i feel like it's just a matter of time before he quits again because he can't do it in moderation like he thinks he can.
I'm not expressing myself as clearly as I wish I could. I just wish I didn't have to feel like this anymore. I wish he could see I'm not trying to control him, but I'm just trying to make it easier on myself by not having to be around him when he is stoned. It makes me so uncomfortable to be around him like that.
Thanks for listening
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Old 05-30-2010, 08:39 PM
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welcome to sober recovery, code.

you'll find that the more you come on in here, post your own thoughts and questions, and read other people's, the more you will learn, get comfortable with what you're doing, and grounded you will feel.

I'd like to say something about boundaries. You'll read alot of boundaries in this forum.

A boundary is a barrier, a protection of sorts, that YOU place between you and another person. It is to help YOU to feel safe. A control tactic would be for you to tell your husband that he cannot smoke weed while at home, on vacation, while married to you. A boundary would be that should he decide to smoke, you will leave the room, leave the house, move out, etc, to not be around it. The difference is subtle, but distinct. YOU remove YOURSELF, not try and control HIS behavior.

You have every right to do this, and in my opinion, the responsibility if there are minor children around.

Sorry your husband has a drug problem. We all have had this in our lives (here on S/R). "It sucks" doesn't nearly do justice to how awful it is.
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Old 05-31-2010, 06:34 AM
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Thank you so much. You have no idea how much your response helped me. I can totally see the distinction between trying to set boundaries for him (which will only drive me insane and probably ruin our marriage) and setting boundaries for myself.
After I read your response to my post last night I went to my husband and told him that I will no longer try to control him and tell him what he can and cannot do. That is his job. My job is to decide what I will tolerate and what I am comfortable with and then do what I need to do to make myself feel good.
This means if he decided to smoke in the house ( he has never smoked in front of our children, it's always after they are in bed or not around) or be stoned around me then I will have to leave or seperate myself from him until he's sober again.
I don't think he really understands. In his mind I believe he thinks he has "won" this arguement and he's getting his way. He can do whatever he wants now and the old nag will leave him alone!! Yippee!
The only thing I struggle with now is that it feels like he thinks he has my blessing to smoke pot now. I want him to know that I still completly dissaprove with him doing this. I know he is an addict and even if it seems fine now it will eventually start to cause problems. He certainly does NOT have my blessing!
Yes, this really does suck!!! I hate it!!
Thank you again
~ Amy
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Old 05-31-2010, 08:31 AM
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Sometimes our enthusiasm takes us into a rush of words
that we haven't thought out carefully enough as to the
long term effects of what we have said. I have done this
in the beginning of my journey as I was so thankful to find
knowledge and wanted to act upon it as quickly as possible
thinking it would resolve some of my heartache and pain.

I would suggest that you totally understand boundaries as
it can lead us into a situation where as you stated he feels
that he now has an advantage toward smoking in the house
and with the children around. This is not where you wanted
it to lead..I understand where you were coming from as you wanted relief and wanted to set a definite line.

Take it slowly..boundaries are for us and we need to make
them knowing the consequences for us..Addicts that are
active will take whatever you say as an advantage towards
keeping their most beloved passion being drugs in the front of family, finances..love especially and will use whatever means they have to keep going forward in addiction.

We are often held hostage with our marriage vows as we
were totally committed to love,honor and obey. Always
remember that at the time of this bond, if they stated that
drugs were perhaps part of the bargain, you would have held back as it would have shocked you into another reality.

Be gentle and kind with yourself, you can always undo what has been said prior by being proactive toward your own recovery and seeing the realism of drugs as not being part of a family unity.

My best to you..keep reading and take some time to understand what you do or do not allow..it really is your call what you will tolerate..

I understand the love of a person, the hardest part in my life was to let my son go .. it hurt tremendously and at the same time was the most worthy decision I made.

lauren
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Old 05-31-2010, 09:56 AM
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Originally Posted by codenameamy View Post
I want him to know that I still completly dissaprove with him doing this.
Your actions will tell him better than words. If it doesn't matter to him and you're still unhappy, then you'll have to refine your boundaries.

Please be aware there are legal consequences to having pot in your home, and it could affect you and your children.
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Old 05-31-2010, 10:25 AM
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Originally Posted by codenameamy View Post
I don't think he really understands. In his mind I believe he thinks he has "won" this arguement and he's getting his way. He can do whatever he wants now and the old nag will leave him alone!! Yippee!
The only thing I struggle with now is that it feels like he thinks he has my blessing to smoke pot now. I want him to know that I still completly dissaprove with him doing this. I know he is an addict and even if it seems fine now it will eventually start to cause problems. He certainly does NOT have my blessing!
I had trouble setting boundaries for a long time, especially with my oldest daughter, now an active addict.

Instead, I would engage in power struggles, which always ended miserably.

This isn't a you vs. him thing.

This is about what you will and won't accept in your life and his children's lives.

My AD knows my home is an alcohol and drug-free zone, period.

She has not been welcome in my home for several years now. She can be stone-cold sober/not high, and she's still not welcome in my home. Why? She's still an addict, without a solution, and with no desire to find a solution in her life.

I also don't allow stoned/drunk people in my home.

It's my home, my place of refuge.

My bar of standards is high these days, and I apologize to no one for that.

I spent far too many years lowering that bar.
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