Sunshine2

(((((Hugs))))) We are here for you.

BBD

Hi Hope, I've really been thinking about you and hope you come on to tell us how you are. Big hugs and smiles, Bonnie

tjp613

Hope -- Thinking of you and saying a little prayer for your serenity. ((( Hugs )))

Hope44

Hey everyone, I've been meaning to post an update and finally found a few quiet minutes this afternoon. First off, thanks to everyone for your thoughts, prayers, smiles, and caring words of encouragement. I am really touched to come here and see that people have been thinking of me.

I am doing okay. Lots of tears yesterday and some today. Despite the risks my AD was taking in our home, I feel we yanked out from under her a safety net. When she lived with us, there were no drug friends coming to the house. Now, I am pretty positive they'll be swooping like vultures upon her new apartment. Granted, it is her choice to let them, but... at least here she did not have that temptation. It is the one rule she respected.

Like others have expressed, I feel a mixture of emotions - some of which are hope, worry, and confusion. For me, right now, mostly it is worry. This past month I have sensed the moral conflict in her (which was great only last fall) lessening. She has seemed high... all the time. When I see her, and listen to her.... I think all I am seeing is the drug. And I was thinking today... I really want to see my prayers being answered, not just the effects of this drug all the time. But then I must remember, God's ways and times are not mine.

One thing that I kind of am struggling with is how much contact to have with her. In her/our case, I do not feel we should cut off ALL contact. I still want to spend some time with her, have her over to the house for a meal, take her for lunch or a walk by the lake. I think it is important to stay connected somehow, to be whatever light, or voice of reason, that I can. And not just me but also several good friends she has and also my husband. I just don't want to abandon her completely. I don't see how this will help her. If I'm wrong about this, I pray I realize it....

Anvilhead... thanks for reminding us that life goes on. Sometimes I can be so rooted in the past that I fear to stretch my wings -- Today. Almost four years ago we, too, sent our daughter off to college. Saying goodbye to her, yesterday, was a similar feeling... but with an element of fear. Four years ago, she didn't have needle marks on her arms, and her eyes didn't look like those of a strangers.

I guess the best I can do right now is continue to leave her in God's hands... while discovering what life has in store for me. Thanks for listening everyone. So grateful to have found you. (((hugs)))

Ann

When my son lived on the street, I still took him for lunch and met him for coffee and walks. There is no reason not to. And I learned that we could actually share some quality time if I didn't keep the conversation about his addiction and his recovery or lack of it. We talked about day to day things, and just left addiction out of it unless he brought it up.

I had to stop inviting him for meals because he stole from our home too many times when I did just that. But that was my situation and may not be yours.

Good luck, I'm keeping you and your family all in my prayers.

Hugs

Freedom1990

You have to do what feels right for you. I don't think there is anything wrong with you wanting to maintain some type of contact. Having her over to eat, taking her for lunch, these are all things that I would do if my AD weren't so deeply immersed in her addictions.

I'm glad you're checking in with us, and sharing your feelings with us. Pain shared is pain lessened.

I think your daughter is lucky to have you as a mother. :ghug3

BBD

Hi Hope, You sound well and grounded. I know having her leave is sad but its time for her to find herself and her direction. I would definately have her over for dinner, go and visit and meet her friends and have contact. Not daily but enough to know she hasn't been abandoned. You are her mom~~and addict or not~~everyone needs a mom. My son is living with us right now but shortly he will be moving into a house. After 6 years of playing with drugs he finnally realizes what mistakes he has made. He has new friends, goes to meetings almost every night, is running his own construction business and hopefully can stay clean. When he does move out, I'll be scared but I know its time for him to make it or break it~~on his own. We can't protect them from this addiction thing and for some moms its just plain hard. He had a great childhood, great family with values and for the life of me I'm tired of trying to figure out how this happened....but it did. So~~~~~~we have to live our lives, be happy and let those kids of ours know we love them but won't deal with drugs any longer.....sleep well and try to relax. Smiles, Bonnie

Hope44

Bonnie, there is always something so comforting about your words. Thank you so much. From what you've just shared, it sounds like our experiences are somewhat similar. Like you, I cannot figure out how this happened. I mean the dots don't connect and the few friends and family I've shared with, who have known my daughter since birth, are just as clueless. I guess somewhere along the line I stopped trying to figure it out and just accepted that these things happen. Anyway - I wish your son well and hope many happy blessings for you both in the future.

Hope44

Thank you, Freedom. I cannot say how much it means to me right now to have you and others coming alongside to listen and to care. And I just have to say I like your dogs, especially the golden. We have one, too. :-)

Hope44

Ann, after reading your reply, along with the others, I feel much better about wanting to spend some time with my daughter. I know she'd appreciate it so we'll see how it goes. She actually was just by this evening, picking up a few things she didn't take yesterday. I think in the near future we are going to be asking her to call before she comes... rather than just showing up unannounced. I don't want her to stay too comfy here... and yet I always want her to feel welcome. Like I said, we'll see how this all unfolds.

coffeedrinker

hope,
it does sound as though you're doing as well as can be during this painful time.

what you said about her just coming over brought me a memory.

i told my daughter she had to leave her home also. she was 18 years old, and just out of high school. several months later, i was going out of town for two days. i can't remember why, but i did tell her i was going, or maybe she knew because it was a wedding. when i came home that sunday, she was passed out on the floor of her bedroom, naked, large empty vodka bottle lying on the floor. i couldn't wake her, but when she did rouse, i had her father come and pick her up to take her to her apartment. (I was a wreck and just couldn't do it.) when she got in his car, i walked over and held out my hand. i asked her for her housekey.

sorry i went off on a tangent. it is, of course, still a very painful memory. but the point was, your daughter can have no access to your home. if she knows the garage code, change it. try and make sure you have the only housekey she has. you don't have to let her know what lengths you are going to, but you need to protect yourself.

Impurrfect

(((Hope))) - I don't know if you've read where I've told this before, so I apologize if this is a "repeat" for you. When I was out on the streets, 2 hours from home, my dad would occasionally come to "the 'hood" and find me. We'd go by Church's chicken, get some food and go to the park and eat lunch.

Yes, he would ask me if I'd go to rehab, offer to pay. I told him I could go for free, wasn't ready. That was the extent of THAT kind of talk. He'd tell me what was going on in "the real world"..with the rest of my family. He'd tell me he loved me and he missed me. Then he would take me back, and drop me off on the street again. NOW, I feel horrible, imagining how much that must have hurt..leaving me there on the streets.

He later asked me (after I got into recovery).."did it matter to you that I came down there to see you?". Yes, it mattered. It let me know he still loved me (though I already knew that) and it also let me know that my family was going on, living their lives...without me. That didn't "click" at the time, but once I got clean enough to think clearly, it had a big impact. I wanted to be a part of my family again, and I knew I needed to STAY clean to do it.

I completely understand that some parents need to go no contact. Every situation is different. You need to do what is best for YOU.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Hope44

Such a painful memory.... it underscores what my husband and I have been talking about - changing the locks. We just don't know how this addiction will progress and we feel we should be prepared for anything, and protected. At the same time, I hate for her to see us preparing for the worst.... as if that's what we're expecting.... but like you said, we'll keep it to ourselves. Thanks for sharing.

Ann

Hope, we changed locks and I simply said we were upgrading our security and the locks we had were old.

He never asked for a key. If he had, I would have just said "call before you come and you won't need one".

He managed to get a portable TV out in his backpack once when he came to get "a few things out of the basement". I was home, let him go down and he walked right by unsuspecting me on his way out. That was the last home visit ever allowed.

I share that because, sad as it is, we need to protect ourselves against all intruders and thieves...including our children when addiction has taken over.

It will get easier with time. You may actually find yourself having a calm, peaceful evening at home without looking over your shoulder.

Hugs

Hope44

Amy, it means ALOT to me to read this. As a mom, I have often felt that my words and actions do not mean much to her right now, but once she comes through this, then maybe they will. I think maybe THEN, when she is well again and thinking right and on a better path, she will see how everything we did was because we loved her and had her best interests at heart. And THEN... the impact will come.

And JUST as important, I have to remember that just because we don't SEE our efforts having an effect, doesn't meant they aren't. Especially in an addict, I think there is MUCH going on that is UNSEEN, and UNEXPRESSED. So much is hidden from our eyes... bad AND good. And so, for me, here is where faith enters in and I pray all the time that the good will prevail, that it will never stop desiring to hear words of love and light and hold on to them at least for a little while. I really appreciate you sharing your story. It sounds like you have a wonderful, supportive family.

Hope44

Ann, we noticed money going missing a few months back and found out it was our daughter. We confronted her, told her we had hard evidence, and nothing has gone missing since. But - that it not to say it won't progress to that point again. You're right - it's only right to be (and FEEL) protected. I also have to say, concerning her "drug friends", I sometimes worry about what THEY might do. No fun living in fear, in your own home.

lauren

I also had to have a security system installed in my home.
At the time I had two Rotties who loved my son as well,
they of course didn't understand the addiction but did
reject him when he was high, it was odd, they would let
him in the yard yet wouldn't interact with him especially
the older dog. They could smell or sense the drugs and
knew it was or would create an imbalance within the family
unit.
I also changed the locks twice, at the time I didn't trust my son due to thieving as Ann said right under my nose..it was
his companions that worried my sense of security. He would
hide them in our little off house that we used for art and
crafts. Once I had to find something in the attic and found
candles, Tylenol, cigarette butts, liquor bottles and a few other unmentionables that gave way to my taking steps to make my home a fortress for awhile.
When we lose our sense of sanctuary, that being our home it is a terrible feeling of being powerless. We had to take
back our home to feel complete and safe again, without home and hearth I was a prisoner to my sons actions.
Our actions spoke to him without words being passed, it became his responsibility to earn back trust..the love was always there, he knew this, he had to take back his own control as we had done so in my heart I felt I lead by example.

My best to you, I know each step feels very heavy.

lauren

tjp613

We've had a lock on our bedroom door for a couple of years now and I just noticed the other day that the door jam is all messed up where my AS apparently has tried more than once to jimmy the lock.

I am SO done with all that crap.

Hope44

No kidding! How are you, by the way? Any contact with your son? Sorry if I missed an update... I could spend 24/7 keeping up with everything around here!

Hope44

Our dog, too, has sensed something isn't right. Normally, he is a typical golden retriever (happy go lucky, not a care in the world, let's play all day, I love you I love you), but there have been several times, since my daughter's drug use, where his behavior (NEVER seen before) frightened me to the point where I called my husband at work to say "What the heck?!" Not to freak anyone out but once he started growling at something in the corner of our family room, as if there were an unseen but very definite presence there. And it made him extremely uncomfortable. I looked closely to see what it might be but there was nothing out of the ordinary, as far as I could tell. I then went to the other side of the room and tried distracting him with treats and toys but he'd only glance at me, before turning his attention back to that corner again. Also, his haunches were raised and he kept moving apprehensively toward, and then backing away from whatever he perceived. It was unsettling. He NEVER growls... but this was deep, and threatening.

I quick called my husband at work and he prayed over the phone with me. During that prayer our dog stopped growling, resumed his normal relaxed posture, walked over to the corner, prostrated himself flat on his tummy, and calmly planted his snout between his outstretched paws. It was THE weirdest MOST amazing thing!!! But yeah, I definitely believe there is an evil spiritedness attached to drugs. I think at the root of it all is a battle for my child's soul.

Thanks for sharing.