Codependency all around me
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 136
Codependency all around me
Since I have done the work on myself and my codie behaviors I have started noticing more people around me with codie behaviors. Is this my codie self speaking to me or do I just really notice the irritating codie behaviors more now that I know what the heck it is? Not sure if that even makes sense.
My mom is queen codie and it is frustrating to talk to her when all I hear is how she is upset, mad, stressed...blah blah blah about having to do for other people and stuff. I find myself wanting to talk to her about being a codie but then that would mean I would be back to my codie tendencies...right? So I just listen nicely. ; )
My coworker at work is MAJOR codie. I'm thankful for the work I have done or I would be slapping her. She is pretty bad! I just nod and say ok ms. coworker. I notice her self esteem is low and that is why she says and does alot of the things. I'm greatful I can just brush them off because of what I have learned because she can say some pretty mean things.
I was just wondering if this is something other people have come across after you did the work on yourself or if I'm the only one. Oh my I hope not. If so how do you deal with it?
My mom is queen codie and it is frustrating to talk to her when all I hear is how she is upset, mad, stressed...blah blah blah about having to do for other people and stuff. I find myself wanting to talk to her about being a codie but then that would mean I would be back to my codie tendencies...right? So I just listen nicely. ; )
My coworker at work is MAJOR codie. I'm thankful for the work I have done or I would be slapping her. She is pretty bad! I just nod and say ok ms. coworker. I notice her self esteem is low and that is why she says and does alot of the things. I'm greatful I can just brush them off because of what I have learned because she can say some pretty mean things.
I was just wondering if this is something other people have come across after you did the work on yourself or if I'm the only one. Oh my I hope not. If so how do you deal with it?
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((tchappy))) you are most DEFINITELY not the only one. I, too, am surrounded by codies...at home and at work. I even pick them out at the grocery store....sigh.
Like you, I'm grateful I have MY recovery to recognize it. I still have quite a ways to go, but at least I'm not trying to "save" or "fix" them.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Like you, I'm grateful I have MY recovery to recognize it. I still have quite a ways to go, but at least I'm not trying to "save" or "fix" them.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
"It takes one to know one"
Yep, me too and it makes ongoing detaching that much more important. I constantly remind myself what is mine to own or not. It's getting easier and I'm hoping someday it will become a subconscious habit, just like it was before but the other way around
Yep, me too and it makes ongoing detaching that much more important. I constantly remind myself what is mine to own or not. It's getting easier and I'm hoping someday it will become a subconscious habit, just like it was before but the other way around
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 136
"Yep, me too and it makes ongoing detaching that much more important"
Yes I agree so much with this! I struggle with this on a daily basis but I'm glad I notice it and don't respond or let it affect my life like it used to.
Thank you!!!
With my mom though I do find it hard to not want to point her in the right direction because she does do SO much for other people. More than she does for herself. Not sure how to handle that other than just listen and love her and let her find her way I guess.
Yes I agree so much with this! I struggle with this on a daily basis but I'm glad I notice it and don't respond or let it affect my life like it used to.
Thank you!!!
With my mom though I do find it hard to not want to point her in the right direction because she does do SO much for other people. More than she does for herself. Not sure how to handle that other than just listen and love her and let her find her way I guess.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
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((tchappy)) - I live with my dad and stepmom (consequences of my addiction). Stepmom is a raging codie with no intention or wish to get better (and an addict). Dad is also a codie, but he has watched me make changes in how I react to things that happen around here, how I relate to my 16-year-old niece (who we are raising) and he's shown a bit of interest. It took a while, and he doesn't LISTEN very well, but I have seen a bit of progress.
I started out, when he would start complaining about "having to do everything" by saying things like "dad, you DO have a choice in this, you know" and then if he wanted to discuss it, we would...if he wanted to justify his codie-ness, I dropped it. It's frustrating, but I've seen a bit of willingness in him that he WANTS what I have, so I try to be a good role model and have tried to learn when he's receptive to listen. Don't always get it right, but we're learning.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I started out, when he would start complaining about "having to do everything" by saying things like "dad, you DO have a choice in this, you know" and then if he wanted to discuss it, we would...if he wanted to justify his codie-ness, I dropped it. It's frustrating, but I've seen a bit of willingness in him that he WANTS what I have, so I try to be a good role model and have tried to learn when he's receptive to listen. Don't always get it right, but we're learning.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
OMG!!!!! YESSSSSSSSSSSS!
Now I wonder to myself, was I that irritating as well? I believe the answer would be..."youbtchya!"
BTW....as a hairdresser I have recommended the book CO No More to a few clients...they are reading it now. Paying it forward.
Onward and upward!.
Now I wonder to myself, was I that irritating as well? I believe the answer would be..."youbtchya!"
BTW....as a hairdresser I have recommended the book CO No More to a few clients...they are reading it now. Paying it forward.
Onward and upward!.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by Impurrfect 
It took a while, and he doesn't LISTEN very well, but I have seen a bit of progress.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
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(((Chino))) - dad hasn't gotten to that point, but you give me hope
It IS amazing when I see those little glimpses of change. We were on a trip, recently, he had a conversation with his insurance company and would normally have been a rude jerk. He wasn't, got off the phone and asked "how did I do? Am I getting better?" Good thing I had my seatbelt on, or I'd have fallen out of the van!!
((tchappy)) - I hope your recovery rubs off on your mom, too. I NEVER thought it would, in my house, but darned if it hasn't!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
It IS amazing when I see those little glimpses of change. We were on a trip, recently, he had a conversation with his insurance company and would normally have been a rude jerk. He wasn't, got off the phone and asked "how did I do? Am I getting better?" Good thing I had my seatbelt on, or I'd have fallen out of the van!!((tchappy)) - I hope your recovery rubs off on your mom, too. I NEVER thought it would, in my house, but darned if it hasn't!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Irritation often means that I believe I know better how one should be living their life. Moving beyond irritation is the next step where I either accept others for who they are or disengage from the drama.
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