Girlfriend of an addict
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
Originally Posted by love123 
Thanks to everyone so much!
Ive decided to tell him i was going down the shore, and i didnt want to lie to him and have him catch me in a lie so i told i was most likely going to drink. I said it was my life and i am aloud to change my mind.
But now hes saying that if i drink hes going to go get pills. And hes saying that i broke my promise and comitment to him by saying i was going to drink but now drinking. Hes trying to flip everything on me and i dont know what to say to him?
Ive decided to tell him i was going down the shore, and i didnt want to lie to him and have him catch me in a lie so i told i was most likely going to drink. I said it was my life and i am aloud to change my mind.
But now hes saying that if i drink hes going to go get pills. And hes saying that i broke my promise and comitment to him by saying i was going to drink but now drinking. Hes trying to flip everything on me and i dont know what to say to him?
I'm in no position to really offer advice, because I'm 'stuck' too... but from a detached perspective, and seeing only what you've written.. Why at such a young age would you want to stay with this man? It's clear he already does what he wants. He talks to women behind your back, and he threatens to use, because you aren't setting your life aside to meet his demands.
Let him go get pills then. That's his decision, and nothing you can say or do will change what is to come. He's sacrificing your relationship, and his sobriety. Let him fall, and suffer the consequences. He doesn't sound ready for recovery at all. DO NOT SET YOUR LIFE ASIDE FOR THIS MAN. As someone said, you will fall in love three or four more times. I wanted to marry my bf when I was 17... five years later of ending it, that thought disgusts me! I know how wonderful it sounds to "marry your highschool sweetheart" but there are greater things ahead of you, I assure you.
I can't tell you what to say to him.. but he's just messing with your emotions, to feel sorry for him, so he can put you where he wants you. As Anvilhead said.. say nothing. Do what makes YOU happy.
I hope I don't come across as rude. You're very young. I wish you the best hun.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
hey love, what you last posted is clearly, MANIPULATION. giant-sized, every letter capital, no ifs and or buts.
tell mr. that perhaps it would be best if you two had some more distance between you two. you should either be having fun, drinking, whatever, based on what YOU want. he needs to do what HE wants. otherwise, this ain't a relationship, it's a power play.
you probably need to do a lot of soul-searching, reading here and posting, to find your way. we're all finding our way, too, and we will be your cheerleaders.
happy graduation.
tell mr. that perhaps it would be best if you two had some more distance between you two. you should either be having fun, drinking, whatever, based on what YOU want. he needs to do what HE wants. otherwise, this ain't a relationship, it's a power play.
you probably need to do a lot of soul-searching, reading here and posting, to find your way. we're all finding our way, too, and we will be your cheerleaders.
happy graduation.
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
love,
Good for you for deciding to go with your friends on graduation.
As a woman with an addict in my life, as well as being in recovery myself, when my addict said things like that it was a red flag. She wanted to use, and was looking for an excuse. Well, guess what? It is her recovery, not mine. If she wanted to be clean and sober, my behavior outside of the house away from her presence wouldn't have any effect on her actions. On the other hand, if she wanted to use then eventually she would have found another excuse.
I'm sorry that he is putting you through this.
Good for you for deciding to go with your friends on graduation.
As a woman with an addict in my life, as well as being in recovery myself, when my addict said things like that it was a red flag. She wanted to use, and was looking for an excuse. Well, guess what? It is her recovery, not mine. If she wanted to be clean and sober, my behavior outside of the house away from her presence wouldn't have any effect on her actions. On the other hand, if she wanted to use then eventually she would have found another excuse.
I'm sorry that he is putting you through this.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Originally Posted by love123
Thanks to everyone so much!
Ive decided to tell him i was going down the shore, and i didnt want to lie to him and have him catch me in a lie so i told i was most likely going to drink. I said it was my life and i am aloud to change my mind.
But now hes saying that if i drink hes going to go get pills. And hes saying that i broke my promise and comitment to him by saying i was going to drink but now drinking. Hes trying to flip everything on me and i dont know what to say to him?
Ive decided to tell him i was going down the shore, and i didnt want to lie to him and have him catch me in a lie so i told i was most likely going to drink. I said it was my life and i am aloud to change my mind.
But now hes saying that if i drink hes going to go get pills. And hes saying that i broke my promise and comitment to him by saying i was going to drink but now drinking. Hes trying to flip everything on me and i dont know what to say to him?
If he continues (which I'm sure he will) then I'd just keep repeating the above to whatever he says. This is something called "the broken record technique" which means repeating something over and over no matter what someone says. You can change it a bit depending on what he says but at least say "Like I said, I've changed my mind. If you want to get pills, it is up to you but I am going to the shore." It is a very effective technique when you've made up your mind and you're not going to change it.
If all else fails you can walk away or hang up the phone. He'll get over it. Really he will. Just call his bluff. If you lose him because of this then was it really love in the first place???
My addicted son can do the guilt trips too. I loved how I handled the last one. He tried but I just filtered out the garbage and kept coming back to the point. He finally hung up. I am getting good at this if I do say so myself.
I wish you the best.
KariSue
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 22
Thanks to all of yous soo much!
The argument was ust getting too big, and he wouldnt stop texting my phone with stuff like "you said youd stop drinking because you cared about me, now you dont care thats why your drinking" "you sound shady a house full of girls but no guys" "if you drink and get messed up im going to get pills and get messed up"
And alls ive been saying is im going to the shore. There is not going to be any guys, or else id invite you. Im not saying im going to get messed up im saying i might have a few drinks to celeberate and didnt want to lie to you. And if you use my actions to make your decisions then your stupid and thats all your fault if you decide to use not mine.
Finally it was just giving me a headache especially since i had to work 12-930 yesterday, cause it was just back and forth. So i ust said to him im deffinitly going to the shore, but we will talk about everything when the time comes because it is 3 weeks from now no need to be fighting right now.
Was that the right thing to do?
The argument was ust getting too big, and he wouldnt stop texting my phone with stuff like "you said youd stop drinking because you cared about me, now you dont care thats why your drinking" "you sound shady a house full of girls but no guys" "if you drink and get messed up im going to get pills and get messed up"
And alls ive been saying is im going to the shore. There is not going to be any guys, or else id invite you. Im not saying im going to get messed up im saying i might have a few drinks to celeberate and didnt want to lie to you. And if you use my actions to make your decisions then your stupid and thats all your fault if you decide to use not mine.
Finally it was just giving me a headache especially since i had to work 12-930 yesterday, cause it was just back and forth. So i ust said to him im deffinitly going to the shore, but we will talk about everything when the time comes because it is 3 weeks from now no need to be fighting right now.
Was that the right thing to do?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by love123
I dont want him to control me, but i dont want to lose him. And i dont know what to do to make him understand where i am coming from because he always thinks that i am wrong. And then when we try to talk he flips it around on me and says i always think he is wrong.
hes hurt me so bad in the past with the girls from the rehab.
i offered to change my whole lifestyle for him, and he just takes advantage of it. And says im always wrong, you cant do this with an addict, etc.
Does this ever change later in the recovery or is it always going to be like this?
Manipulation and messing around with other girls is not love.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
There is no point in responding to his same old, same old. You told him you are going to the beach. End of conversation, no need to elaborate or re-discuss. If he doesn't like it, that is his problem. You are not his property, he does not own you.
You are not even out of high school, and, you are not only hooked up with an abuser, but seem to be in a time warp. 50 years ago, the male beat hollered and the woman came running "Yes dear, what can I do for you". "Oh, you want the TV station changed, yes dear,
and a beer too, yes dear I'll get it". "No dear, I won't go to the movie with Joan, I know you don't want me to".
Jeez, this is 2010, woman have rights and need to stand up for themselves, be their own person. You don't need his approval to do anything.
He's nothing but a bully, a kid, trying to act like a man.
You are not even out of high school, and, you are not only hooked up with an abuser, but seem to be in a time warp. 50 years ago, the male beat hollered and the woman came running "Yes dear, what can I do for you". "Oh, you want the TV station changed, yes dear,
and a beer too, yes dear I'll get it". "No dear, I won't go to the movie with Joan, I know you don't want me to".
Jeez, this is 2010, woman have rights and need to stand up for themselves, be their own person. You don't need his approval to do anything.
He's nothing but a bully, a kid, trying to act like a man.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
But now hes saying that if i drink hes going to go get pills.
If HE wanted to stay clean, he'd do it no matter what you did. You can no more make him use pills with your actions anymore than you can make the earth rotate backwards.
He is going to do what he is going to do - you are not in control of him. And obviously, he's not in control of himself either.
I was in a very similar relationship with an older man when I was in high school too. He played the same games. Eventually, I got sick of it and I grew out of it. I think you will very soon. The reality is that addicts don't love themselves and they can't love others. They love drugs. Manipulation is not love. It's just a pathetic attempt to control others.
Have fun at the shore.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 22
I know i dont make his decision to use pills but i feel like hes going to use me as the reason. Like i know in my head it wont be my fault if he uses but i will feel so bad for him because hes been clean for so long. And thanks i will have fun down the shore, ill probaly be on my phones internet all week asking everyone for advice because i know he will be blowing up my phone with a ton of bullsh*t. And i wont know what to say or how to handle it. I cant go to my friends for advice cause their tired of it and they hate him.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
We are all responsible for our own bad choices.
He gets to choose whether or not to use drugs.
You get to choose whether or not to feel sorry for him.
It won't make a difference in his behavior towards you one way or another.
I try to put my focus on the things I can change in my life so that I can make the world a better place (starting with me). I no longer waste my energy on pitying fools. It's a big time suck. I wasted nearly 15 years of my life doing it. Now I realize what a fool that made me... It took me way too long to figure that out.
He gets to choose whether or not to use drugs.
You get to choose whether or not to feel sorry for him.
It won't make a difference in his behavior towards you one way or another.
I try to put my focus on the things I can change in my life so that I can make the world a better place (starting with me). I no longer waste my energy on pitying fools. It's a big time suck. I wasted nearly 15 years of my life doing it. Now I realize what a fool that made me... It took me way too long to figure that out.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
Love,
I know the advice of others can seem a little harsh at times, but they're right. When they first said it to me, I kind of got upset, like "they don't understand", but it was only because I didn't want to look at myself, and see that I COULD STOP IT, if I truly wanted to.
They're right. If you don't want to deal with his BS, then you don't HAVE TO.
Someone once mentioned not engaging in the negative conversations.. and when I started to apply that, it was amazing how much it kind of dissipated. Whenever he says something rude or hurtful, tell him you won't accept that behavior, and kindly hang up the phone, or walk away. If he causes problems on the phone while you're away, choose to not take part in it. Simple really.
Why waste your one and only highschool graduation trip... on the phone fighting?
I know the advice of others can seem a little harsh at times, but they're right. When they first said it to me, I kind of got upset, like "they don't understand", but it was only because I didn't want to look at myself, and see that I COULD STOP IT, if I truly wanted to.
They're right. If you don't want to deal with his BS, then you don't HAVE TO.
Someone once mentioned not engaging in the negative conversations.. and when I started to apply that, it was amazing how much it kind of dissipated. Whenever he says something rude or hurtful, tell him you won't accept that behavior, and kindly hang up the phone, or walk away. If he causes problems on the phone while you're away, choose to not take part in it. Simple really.
Why waste your one and only highschool graduation trip... on the phone fighting?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by love123
Like i know in my head it wont be my fault if he uses but i will feel so bad for him because hes been clean for so long.
I got to face the consequences of my own poor choices, with no one patting me on the back telling me they were so sorry I relapsed.
He may not be using, but he's not in recovery. He's manipulative and uncaring. He has taken you hostage.
When I was 17, I hooked up with a guy who was 24, and I was convinced he was my one and only true love.
My parents were horrified, and could see all the red flags.
I refused to listen to them.
He was manipulative and controlling like your BF.
When I moved away from home after I graduated high school, there was a whole new world out there I never knew existed.
BF soon became EXBF.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
I would say that is lame. I've been sober for a long time. I've lived with a person who is active. His action/words you have posted are NOT and I repeat NOT a person working a recovery program.
You have your whole life ahead of you. Do you really want to deal with this 'crap' on daily basis for years to come?
He is holding you verbally hostage. There are TONS of other fish in the sea who will treat you like a woman. Often you must 'sample' a few to know the difference.
Cutting ties might just save your life and WILL save your sanity. Yes, it will hurt some and you will wake up each day and feel better..
AG
You have your whole life ahead of you. Do you really want to deal with this 'crap' on daily basis for years to come?
He is holding you verbally hostage. There are TONS of other fish in the sea who will treat you like a woman. Often you must 'sample' a few to know the difference.
Cutting ties might just save your life and WILL save your sanity. Yes, it will hurt some and you will wake up each day and feel better..
AG
Originally Posted by love123
Thanks to everyone so much!
Ive decided to tell him i was going down the shore, and i didnt want to lie to him and have him catch me in a lie so i told i was most likely going to drink. I said it was my life and i am aloud to change my mind.
But now hes saying that if i drink hes going to go get pills. And hes saying that i broke my promise and comitment to him by saying i was going to drink but now drinking. Hes trying to flip everything on me and i dont know what to say to him?
Ive decided to tell him i was going down the shore, and i didnt want to lie to him and have him catch me in a lie so i told i was most likely going to drink. I said it was my life and i am aloud to change my mind.
But now hes saying that if i drink hes going to go get pills. And hes saying that i broke my promise and comitment to him by saying i was going to drink but now drinking. Hes trying to flip everything on me and i dont know what to say to him?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Washington
Posts: 26
hi love! i am in a similar situation with my boyfriend, and i can tell you it is not an easy one. i started dating my boyfriend knowing he had problems with oxycontin in the past, but he was clean when we started dating, a year later, he went to rehab, and now hes a month sober.
unfortunately, it seems to me that your boyfriend has his own problems to work out before he can be in a committed relationship. my guy was the same way about not wanting me to drink, saying that he can only have people in his life who are completely sober. however, i have been going to aa meetings with him, and in the first meeting i went to it addressed the chapter in the aa book "living sober" which dealt with alcohol being prevalent in everyday life.
as long as you make responsible decisions, theres no problem with you going away with your friends, its your senior year, and honestly, youre too young to be giving up memories like this, and would you ask him to do the same? probably not.
my guy used to be really controlling over me, to the point where he got mad at me for straightening my hair when i wasnt around him. but i set my boundaries. we talked about it after he got back from rehab, and discovered the root of the problem was that he felt insecure about himself, so he took it out on me, which isnt fair to me. you just need to realize that even though he is struggling, theres a difference between supporting him, and enabling this kind of behavior. and right now, it seems that you (and his parents) are enabling this.
the good news is, its not that hard to change. i did it. and you can too.
unfortunately, it seems to me that your boyfriend has his own problems to work out before he can be in a committed relationship. my guy was the same way about not wanting me to drink, saying that he can only have people in his life who are completely sober. however, i have been going to aa meetings with him, and in the first meeting i went to it addressed the chapter in the aa book "living sober" which dealt with alcohol being prevalent in everyday life.
as long as you make responsible decisions, theres no problem with you going away with your friends, its your senior year, and honestly, youre too young to be giving up memories like this, and would you ask him to do the same? probably not.
my guy used to be really controlling over me, to the point where he got mad at me for straightening my hair when i wasnt around him. but i set my boundaries. we talked about it after he got back from rehab, and discovered the root of the problem was that he felt insecure about himself, so he took it out on me, which isnt fair to me. you just need to realize that even though he is struggling, theres a difference between supporting him, and enabling this kind of behavior. and right now, it seems that you (and his parents) are enabling this.
the good news is, its not that hard to change. i did it. and you can too.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: new york
Posts: 227
I stopped reading quite a few messages ago. After I read that he has a job (Step fathers' business), has a place to live (mom's house). Sounds tooooo familiar to me and my advice to you would be (sorry if I'm rude) RUN LIKE HELL! He also tells you if you go to the party he's gonna get pills? Let him. That's HIS cross to bear. It is NOT your responsibility. You will thank yourself later. I'm over 40 and went through this cr*p. Guilt, lies, and above all he's doing NOTHING for himself. (read the first sentence) Sure he's working, but would he be able to keep a job if someone didn't have a business for him to work for in the family?? You're too young to deal with this drama. Live your life for you and you will eventually find someone who loves you. He IMO does not and you seem to think you're not worth anything more than he has to offer.
Good Luck to you and God Bless!
K
Good Luck to you and God Bless!
K
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