keyman

I have been looking for a place like this to help me. I have been trying to deal with my addict son. We buried his addicted brother last November and since then I have had him in my home pleading, begging, threatening or any thing else I could think of to get him to admit his problem.

Two weeks ago, I could not take it anymore.I made him leave. I work days and he was working nights. With no car, I was taking him to work at 8 PM, coming home, going to bed then back up at 3 AM to pick him up before going to work at 7 AM myself. He was not only stealing my life, he was driving me nuts.

Don't get me wrong, I love my son with all my heart. It killed me to send him packing. But it was actually making me ill. Lack of sleep and the stress of it all.

No matter what, he chose his pills over anything else and I can not bear to have to bury another son.

Please help me find some peace in all of this. I feel guilty but I know in my heart it was for the best, right???

dollydo

Welcome! So very sorry about your loss.

There are many Mom's here who understand what you are going through, I am sure they will post soon.

Keep posting, it will help.

Dolly

Maggiemac

I am so sorry about your son death. My son died of a overdose in 2008, he was my only child and I miss him very much.
I am also sorry to hear you have another son on the same path. You did the right things telling him to leave, you have a life also. You didn't make him do drugs, you can't stop it he has to do it on his own. Put him in Gods hands and get back to your life. I know it is hard but I loved my son to death. I allways tried to save him I know now I couldn't so God stepped in and took him. Keep posting and reading SR will try and help you cope with this they are great people and have been in your shoes.

Your friend,
Maggiemac

teke

welcome to sr.

sorry to hear about your loss and i'm sorry you are going through this with another son. after 21yrs of a 24yr marriage, i HAD to separate myself from my addicted husband. his addiction and behavior was literally driving me insane. other the other hand, his mom literally loved him to death. he passed away in feb/10.

i think you've done a loving thing by letting go. god knows what it will take to get your son where he needs to be.

i'm a recovering addict and it took for my family to do just what you've done, for me to see for myself just how destructive and out of control my life had become. they turned me over to god, allowed me to suffer the consequences of my own bad choices. i hit my bottom and ran for help. remembering that bottom along with my commitment to my recovery is what keeps me clean today, 8yrs later. today i'm totally grateful to god for giving my family strength to walk away and let me fall.

i pray strength for you and protection and guidance for you son. have you tried alanon or naranon support groups for you? keep coming here, posting and reading. one day at a time, it does get a little easier.

tjp613

keyman - I am heartbroken to hear about your struggles. You have to take care of yourself first and you deserve some serenity after all you have been through. Your son is living the life he chooses, so give him the dignity to do it his way.

I am one of several mothers on the board right now who are handing their children over to God....it's been about two weeks for me, too.

Please stick around -- you need us and we need you. (((HUG))) Welcome.

Sunshine2

I am really sorry to hear about your other son. I cannot begin to imagine what it must feel like to have more than one addicted child and to lose a child as a result.

My son left about two months ago and I haven't heard from him except once. I felt so sad and guilty for a while, but my life is fast returning to normal and I know without a doubt it is for the best. I pray for him every day, but he is truly in God's hands.

It was hard to admit I couldn't save him or keep him safe, but I am making peace with that too. I am just sorry I didn't do this 5 years ago.

Impurrfect

(((Keyman))) - Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what brings you here.

I can't imagine what you must be going through, having lost one child to addiction, watching another one struggling with the same disease. :ghug3

Like ((Teke)) I'm an RA (recovering addict), and I have loved ones who are addicts. It wasn't my husband that I lost to addiction, but my ex boyfriend. He died in Dec., though we had been apart for a while.

My loved ones did, for me, what you are now doing for your son and I will forever be grateful. Had they not loved me enough to let me hit my bottom, struggle to find my way back up, I most certainly would not have over 3 years of recovery.

I know it's hard, but the great people here will be right by your side to walk with you. You may also want to check out nar-anon or al-anon meetings for some f2f support.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Spiritual Seeker

Welcome from another parent.

Detachment is something we must get comfortable with;
we let go or get dragged down too.

Many a day I said a quick prayer, "God please watch over my son" and then released him
from preoccupying my thoughts. I learned to avoid worry and fear as a constant.
Ultimately, I helped him into inpatient rehab 3 times. But bef. ea. time he had to be pretty low. I had to be patient in between.He's been sober two yrs.
I maintained not having him live with me and bring the chaos to my home or enabling in any way. Maybe this helped him get low enough for treatment.

So sorry you've lost one child. Be patient and hopeful this son will come to except treatment. Many parents on here come to know this, May your time come soon.

coffeedrinker

Welcome to S/R, keyman.

This is a great site, with lots of support, encouragement, empathy and education about the disease and what we can do to cope.

I am so very sorry for your tremendous loss. I know there are no words....

You have done the right thing.

keepinon

I am a mom of an 18 yr old AD and can only imagine your pain. I just thank my higher power that I have let her go sooner rather than later. I have hope she will recover, but in the meantime am working on my recovery. This is a great place, but I also strongly suggest al or nar anon mtgs. Read some literature.. I really like co-dependant no more.. kinda the addict lovers bible if you will. Wishing you peace..

mooselips

Keyman,
I have no doubt you love your son. I love both of my sons too, both of who are addicts. One is in prison, for 2 years for selling/using, the other, I THOUGHT was in a recovery period, and is now using again.


I fully support your decision to have your son move out.
Sometimes their being on their own is a wake up call, and I hope and pray that is the case in your son's life.

My sons cannot live with us, when they're here, it puts me in the front row of the drama, and I can't take it. My life is better with detachment, and boundaries.

Stay with us here, lots of parents.

And also may I add, I'm so sorry about the loss of your son.


Hugs...

namommy

Keyman,
As others have also said, I am very sorry to hear of your loss and your struggles with your son.
I am a recovering addict and I am so grateful for my parents for completely cutting me off. I used for 21 years. They did everything they could to try to help me, but nothing worked. They finally cut me off from everything. Them, my kids, my family, everything. It took me about 6 months after they cut me off to finally hit bottom. I will (God willing) be clean and sober for 14 years this August.

Recentyly I have been dealing with my daughter's addiction and setting boundaries with her. She lives with her father so there is only so much I can do. After she graduated High School I set out boundaries and told her that she had to go to rehab, and continue to recover by going to meetings and staying clean if she wanted to live in my house. She chose to move out and live with her father who was coming up on a year sober at the time. She knew she could manipulate him. She went into rehab in Feb. and got out in April. All I can do is pray for her.
Now, my 18 year old son has been acting out. He failed his senior year of High School so he dropped out last month. He lost his job, he has been smoking pot and being extremely disrespectful and I was not going to tolerate it. So Last week I told him that he has to stop the drinking and smoking, start being respectful to everyone in the house and do chores without giving me an attitude if he wants to live here. If he couldn't follow those rules then he had to leave. He chose to leave. He is living with a friend right now and I know he is struggling.
It isn't easy, it's OK to admit that it hurts. But you absolutely did the right thing. All any of us can do is set boundaries, stick to them, and give our children (or any other person) back into the care of God.
I keep a "Prayer Jar" I've had it for years. It is a simple Mason Jar with wooden beads that have a wood cross on them. I keep it on my nightstand. Anytime I find someone who needs prayer, or when I need to turn someone back into God's care, I write there name on a piece of paper, fold it up and put it in the jar. The physical action along with the spiritual action helps tremendously. I will be sure to put you and your sons in my jar.
Laurie

Freedom1990

What a beautiful gesture!

Keyman, I am so very sorry for your loss of one son, and having another in active addiction.

It is possible to have peace of mind and happiness in spite of having a child in active addiction.

I went through the wringer with my 32 year old AD until I finally hit a bottom with her and had to let go for my own sanity.

My God has really big hands, and on those occasions when I find myself slipping into worry, I just close my eyes, envision those hands, and place that worry right into the middle of them.

I am also a recovering addict/alcoholic myself, and I can tell you my parents were my best enablers. It is possible to love a child to death. I watched it happen where I live over a period of many years, and it's a sad thing.

I didn't seek recovery till I was face down in the dirt with no one left to pick me up.

I cried out to God that day, and miracles began to happen.

Welcome to SR, and know that you are among friends. :ghug3

Chino

I'm sorry for your loss, and thinking you're feeling loss with your other son, too.

Yes, what you did was for the best and we all know it hurts like hell. What everyone says about hitting rock bottom is so true. The faster it happens the better the odds of them recovering. The same is true for us on this side. You hit your bottom and now your recovery starts, too, if that's what you want for yourself.

How old is your son? It sounds like you're handling things differently than with his brother?

keyman

My oldest son was 28 when he passed away last November. Until that day, I never knew he was using. He was out on his own at the time. He worked a full time job and for the most part took care of biz. It was only then that the true nature of the addiction came to light. So it isn't different, it is new to me. And my youngest is 22.

Spiritual Seeker

Love to see the parents rally around a newcomer parent!

I can feel the generosity of spirit.

Chino

I felt a knot in my stomach when I read that. I can't imagine what you've been going through. Though my 22 year old daughter is a recovering addict just for today, I'm not blindsided, like you were.

You're ahead of the learning curve and please learn everything you can about the nuts and bolts of addiction, if you're not familiar yet. There are stickies (pinned topics) at the top of the forum page that have lots of information about our side of things, too.

If you need to rant, cry, whatever, please do that too.

Krys

Hi Keyman. I am not a mom, but I do live with an addict and it is never easy. I agree you did the right thing and you should definitely take advantage of all the great info out there. I will say a prayer for you and your son tonight. Take care of yourself.

Callie

Welcome Keyman - this is all very daunting and overwhelming at first. I do not have a child that is addicted, but an AH or should I say XAH that is. Read, read, read. You can also click on screen names and read previous posts from those who have walked before you. I'm sorry you are here, but welcome.