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New Here Sad, Confused

Old 05-27-2010, 06:32 AM
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Unhappy New Here Sad, Confused

I'm new here and I really don't know where to start, this is my first post. First Of All I'm so sorry you all have had to endure these painful experiences. I Lived with by Ex BF who drunk 2 to 3 times a week (beer) occasionally moon shine which made him very evil. He was never physically abusive, but when I would confront him when he was sober, he would say drinking 2 to 3 times a week is not a alcoholic, I however believe that it is a form of alcohol lisem when you feel you have to drink 2 to 3 times a week every week plus he smokes pot ever other day. He was very sweet, loving and kind but I found he did not like me having friends nor did he like me on the phone very long whether it be with friends or my family members. He did not like me on the computer. I have a 13 yr old son whom lived with us, he treated him very well, but he did not want my 18 yr old daughter living with us, & when she did come visit he acted very cold toward her. I finally could not take it no more his Jeckyl & Hyde routine, so I left and returned home to my husband at the time while I was living with boyfriend, Me and Hubby were in the process of a divorce. I so miss the fun & Loving side of my ex and he wants me to come back and says things will be different but I can't trust that. I also got very attached to his daughter whom is 8 yrs old that's the sad part too. My hubby knows that I have deep feelings for this man because I wanted to be honest with him. Before living with this man I dated him for almost 3 yrs but did not see the Jeckyl and hyde routine. Since leaving him I miss him and his daughter, I seem to think about him constantly even though I don't want too. I don't want to love this man, but I feel I'm very weak when it comes to him and I wonder why can't I just be happy with my normal husband. I feel I'm a very very messed up individual. Honestly a part of me wants to go back but I'm too afraid that things would not change. I feel miserable, but see my hubby and I are so different in so many ways. I have to ask him to mow the lawn and feed & water the dog. He sleeps alot and is on the computer alot but he is a good man. My ex was the opposite if he seen things needed done, he done them and this is one of the reasons I miss him too. Plus he and I done things together, such as fishing, camping and 4 wheel riding and we talked alot. My hubby doesn't make big conversations with me unless I start them. I'm sorry to be rambling on but I'm so very tempted to go back. I just don't know if I can move past this because I love the other one so much, I love my husband too just not sure if its the same kind of love. Again I'm sorry for the long post. I just feel very vunerable and sad and confused. Thank You all For Listening
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Old 05-27-2010, 06:40 AM
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Ann
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Welcome Sherby.

I wonder, is it the fantasy of the perfect man that you are chasing? Many people do, and even when addiction is in the picture, many fantasize of how good life could be "of only".

The man sounds controlling to the point of being abusive almost, and I don't see much in your description of him that would appeal to anyone. You may see that man that used to be, or you may see the man that might be "if only" but sweetie, that's not the man he is and you are chasing an illusion.

You say your husband is a good man, and he's either but treats you well. You may want to seek counseling and try to find out what it is that puts distance between you.

I know it's hard, and my heart goes out to you. Others will be along who have walked in your shoes, so stick around and make yourself comfortable, you are not alone here.

Hugs
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Old 05-27-2010, 06:40 AM
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So, you were married and left your husband to live with this other guy and when things went south, you went back to your husband. Have I got that right? Where are you and your husband regarding the divorce? Is it proceeding or has it been put on the back burner? Neither one of these guys sound like much of a catch. I think you need to get away from both of them and work on your own issues.
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Old 05-27-2010, 06:48 AM
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Thank You

Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
So, you were married and left your husband to live with this other guy and when things went south, you went back to your husband. Have I got that right? Where are you and your husband regarding the divorce? Is it proceeding or has it been put on the back burner? Neither one of these guys sound like much of a catch. I think you need to get away from both of them and work on your own issues.
When me & Hubby first seperate he had cheated, I met this man the ex alcohlic during that time. Our divorce has been put on the back burner for now.
You may very well be right and I so thank you for taking the time to reply, I have thought about getting my own place.
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Old 05-27-2010, 06:53 AM
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Us Codies

Just my opinion, but I've found in my own life, that when things AREN'T crazy, hectic, and I'm trying to FIX the world for everyone, it feels "weird". Normal is not my style.

I'm finding thru Nar-anon/Ala-non, that I can't fix any of the craziness involved with drinking and drugs by a loved one. I have to LEARN to live without the craziness.

I think no one in active addiction can truly give their heart to anyone, maybe bc they are not in total control of themselves.

I wish you much love and wisdom in your choices.
From the Heart,
Kim
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Old 05-27-2010, 06:02 PM
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sherby,

welcome to sober recovery forum!

i think you just keep coming here - there is a LOT to learn, and it sinks in slowly, then makes so much sense, then becomes a part of who we are.

you may very well seek out some drama or strife, or chaos in your life for a number of reasons. i believe that therapy is your very best option at this moment -- are you open to that?

perhaps you can consider living a life just FOR YOU, just WITH YOU, for a time? some of us are very drawn to men for our own sense of worth, and we seek validation from men, whether they are very great, or not.
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