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Shameless plea for support

Old 05-25-2010, 08:36 AM
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Shameless plea for support

If any of you remember me, my son is a heroin addict who is in a methadone maintenance program, as far as the opiates go, he has been doing well on the program and has tapered down to almost half of his dose in an effort to get off the methadone completely (sadly I almost dread that day as I know the chance of relapse is high)...

Anyway, he managed to develop a problem with benzos..xanax in particular...about a year ago, it got really bad and I did all the wrong things naturally...crying, begging, threatening, snooping, ya all know the drill. He cleaned up off the benzos last summer for almost six months and managed to land a GREAT job in his field...within a month of starting that job, got a hold of some xanax, went to work stoned, and got fired...I should have kicked him out then, but let him stay as he enrolled himself into an outpatient rehab program. He actually did well in this program, completed it and was suppose to continue with meetings, etc....

well this lasted for about a month before the benzos were back last week. It was crazy and my daughter was amazed at my super charged 'spidey senses' as I KNEW the day he came home with them in his pocket what was going on, I KNEW before he even snorted one pill what was coming,,,she thought I was crazy but turned out I was right. I told him then that he needed to get himself into some sort of more intensive program for his drug problem or move out. I got denial, anger (I am not doing pills, your nuts!) (If I leave you'll never see me again), etc. etc. and then quiet and cleaning up for a few more days. I kept reminding him that it is high time he get out on his own..drug problem or not and at 25 should he really be so offended that I expect him to be out on his own?

Fast forward to last night and the spidey senses were tingling when he got home, only took a hour or so before the stuffed up nose and behavior was evident to me but I let it go till this morning, I look in his room when I wake up (actually do this to make sure he hasn't died in the nite from mixing the xanax and methadone) and lo and behold, there is that obvious rolled up dollar bill on his table. That's all the proof even I need these days so before I left for work this morning I told him that although he thinks I'm clueless and obviously doesn't take anything I say seriously, I am setting a firm deadline for him to either check into a rehab program or be out by the end of June. Oh my, he was shocked that I would think he was doing any such thing and he is sick of it and he will go sleep in his car if that's what I want. I Just responded calmly that what I want is for him to get help, but I can't make that choice for him...laid out his options one more time...help or out, didn't let him drag me into an argument of his denial and left for work.

Last I heard he was ranting about how I'm crazy to think he did anything at all and 'fine, don't think I'll be visiting if you kick me out' I also got...'That's nice, I was just telling people at work how I feel sorry for people who don't have their parents support coz my mom would never kick me out'...Huh? He really hadn't been listening I guess. I just said, yeah, well maybe you thinking that has contributed to the problem. Let me know by the end of the week what you choose to do.

I only cried a little and am actually pretty calm, I prayed before I spoke to him and ask for the words and the strength to do what needs to be done, I feel like I did ok, now to keep myself from being dragged into his drama and sticking to my guns whether he cleans up again or not. That has seemed to be my problem, I put my foot down, he cleans up and acts like the son I know and as soon as he thinks my guard is down he is back at it.

Sooo sorry this is so long, but it felt really good to type out and I do love it here and really really need support and encouragement. Thank you all for being here
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Old 05-25-2010, 08:50 AM
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Hurt,
Oh you did such a wonderful job. You included boundaries, detachment, and not getting yourself caught up in the argumentative side of the addict.

You KNOW you are doing the right thing, by letting him lose.
Hopefully, he has had a bit of recovery, and has some tools to work with and can get back on track.

We can hope and pray.

Hugs and hugs.........
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Old 05-25-2010, 08:58 AM
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You did a great job!
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Old 05-25-2010, 09:20 AM
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Thanks, kind of scared myself at how calm I was and how calm I now feel. I KNOW this is the right thing to do, I just need to keep this calmness about me and not let him guilt me into giving him one more chance. I keep telling myself that even if he wasn't an addict he should be out on his own. Giving him a cozy place to do his drugs isn't helping anyone, he has a job now making barely enough to live on, but hey...if he has to worry about paying rent and buying food, he won't have any extra to buy xanax with unless he chooses to of course...can't control it from here

Oh, and to make the picture even brighter...he dated a girl for like a month or so in Jan/Feb and now she is pregnant and says it's his. I was hoping the fact that he may be a father in a few months would keep him on the straight path since he claims he wants to raise it even though they aren't together as a couple. Good Lord help that poor child...
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Old 05-25-2010, 09:46 AM
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((((HB)))) You did a great job! How funny that all the A's seem to use the same line:

"You don't love me"
"You'll never see me again"
"You're crazy!"
Quack, quack, quack, quack.....

'Sorry sweetheart, I love you more than my luggage, but I'm not puttin' up with that s*** in my home. Good luck! You are a smart kid, I know you will figure it out.'

Hugs, HG
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Old 05-25-2010, 09:50 AM
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About the grandbaby issue...

Stay in today..don't let yourself go there. For now.


(although...everytime a child comes into the world,
a grandmother is born)
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Old 05-25-2010, 11:48 AM
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sometimes i think the calmness when u feel when u make a decision like that is your higher power letting you know u r on the right track. Had to let my AD go out on her own-she's only 18..but will not do one more thing to help her live this way, will do anything to help her get better. I will no longer contribute to the problem. She's not happy about it, but actually gets it on some level. Stick 2 ur guns!
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Old 05-25-2010, 12:27 PM
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Thanks everyone, it feels so good to get reinforcement that I am doing this the right way finally. I actually thought about this board on the way to work this morning when I felt the 'second guessing' begin. Reminded myself that I am NOT crazy and I KNOW he is snorting those pills and that the folks on Sober Recovery would definately think standing my ground and forcing him to grow up and get on his own is the right and only thing to do...smart cookies here. I read here constantly for encouragement even when I'm not posting..

I have been trying not to get involved in the baby deal at all from the beginning except to let him know that it's time to 'man up' and actually be a man if he is going to be a father. Secretly hoped that he would have some sort of light bulb moment at the thought though...

"sometimes i think the calmness when u feel when u make a decision like that is your higher power letting you know u r on the right track."
I really did feel this today...I took the time to pray in the shower (I do that a lot) and trusted that my words and actions would be what God would want me to do. Amazing really, in the past I would charge on him and accuse and argue when he denied. Work myself into such a frenzy that I would hardly be able to work for the stress. Today I came into work loving the beautiful weather, grateful for my daughter who is wonderful and thoughtful, and came in smiling and giving everyone a Good Morning with a smile...want to hold on to that feeling and I'm going to...
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Old 05-25-2010, 12:29 PM
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I'm also thankful that there is a Naranon meeting close to me tomorrow night. I have been a couple of times before, but never really shared much..still nice to be face to face with others who know what loving an addict is like though.
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Old 05-25-2010, 12:35 PM
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Hurtbad - Welcome to my world! ...especially the part about cleaning up the act and as soon as your guard is down they start the **** again.

Yeah, sounds like the only way you're going to get your sanity back is if he is out on his own and you're are taking great steps toward that goal. Drugs or no drugs, it's time.

You're gonna have to steel yourself in the next few weeks while every manner of manipulation is thrown your way. PLEASE hear it for what it is: meaningless quackery.

Let me know if I can lend an ear. We're in the same boat.
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Old 05-25-2010, 01:42 PM
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Funny now that I think about it, his little rant about how he told people at work I would never kick him out brought me such an 'ah ah' moment...not what he intended I'm sure..
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Old 05-25-2010, 01:45 PM
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If you think about it, perhaps your bad feelings stem from the fact he is using again, and not because you struggle with your wise decision.

Your boundaries were already in place, he chose to use and therefore he "chose" to leave your home. It's not about you kicking him out, it's about his bad choices...and he owns them no matter how much he tries to hand it back to you.

And...he still has a good option...seek help, go back into rehab. If he chooses not to do that, it is once again his consequence to own.

The hardest thing for any mama is to make their child, adult or not, leave home. But it's the best choice we ever make, for them and for us, and it's a loving choice because we no longer enable their drug use. It's a choice that may very well save his life.

Keeping you and your boy in my prayers. That he uses this "opportunity" to get back on a good path and learn from the experience.

Hugs
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Old 05-25-2010, 02:00 PM
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Just the other day, a frequent poster responded to another post, as follows:

" he's not some 5 year old that got lost at the mall....... "

It got me to thinking about how we codependents moms have a tendency to treat our adult children like they were 5, instead of adults. How will these adult kids ever mature if we parents are always there trying to meet their needs in hope that they will meet our expectations and tend to do so, to validate ourselves as good parents? Know what I mean?

Anyway, it sounds like your son is not done with drugs, yet. That's his choice.
Drugs or not, 25 is probably a good age for anyone to take responsibility for themselves and their own outcomes, regardless of the drugs. Think of it as a gift.

Having been there and done that as it relates to your current situation, be aware the suicide threat may also come. These 5 year olds know how to fight dirty and use every trick in the book to shun responsibility for themselves and their own outcomes.
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Old 05-25-2010, 02:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Hurtbad2505 View Post
Funny now that I think about it, his little rant about how he told people at work I would never kick him out brought me such an 'ah ah' moment...not what he intended I'm sure..
The same thing happened to me in Sept. '07, except it was in my own home. I told my daughter the party was over then overheard her tell her friends I was all talk. I got so mad I was chasing them all out the door, and most of them were a foot taller than me. I was a fire breathing Godzilla
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Old 05-25-2010, 02:09 PM
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Sadly, I really only gave him the option of rehab to let him know I wasn't giving up ON him and that I wish he would choose being drug free. I really want him to move out regardless of the drugs or getting clean. I've seen all to often that clean often means 'for the moment' and I'm tired of waiting for the moment to end...
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Old 05-25-2010, 02:24 PM
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Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post
Having been there and done that as it relates to your current situation, be aware the suicide threat may also come. These 5 year olds know how to fight dirty and use every trick in the book to shun responsibility for themselves and their own outcomes.
Ooooooo.....I'd forgotten about that one! Yah, my Astepson told his father he was thinking of throwing himself off one of the local bridges. Never happened, but agreed--be prepared.

Hugs, HG
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Old 05-25-2010, 03:04 PM
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Thanks so much for the support today everyone...headed home now, jumping on the Harley with the hubby and going out for a b-day dinner, enjoying life when I can..as often as I can...
Thank you again!
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Old 05-25-2010, 03:47 PM
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Happy Birthday, Hurtbad!!! :day1:day2:day1
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Old 05-25-2010, 03:55 PM
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Bravo.. You set an amazing example!
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Old 05-25-2010, 08:58 PM
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it WAS a great example. not being sucked into the quack dialogue has got to worth a lot.
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