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Shameless plea for support

Old 05-26-2010, 07:30 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Well it was pretty quiet last night. I did get a couple of comments thrown at me (which I ignored) about how he can't stand being accused of being high when he is so obviously NOT... oh brother.. I don't know how many of you have seen someone on a methadone/xanax combination..but it's pretty obvious to everyone but them. I have to say that it didn't seem like he was still on the binge, but that's his MO...try to get back into my good graces and I'll forget.

Not this time...it's actually embarrassing to me to think back on all the energy and time I put into trying to rescue him...trying to help him get his life on track...took me 4 years to finally get it through my head that only he can do that stuff for himself. He has managed to bust my 'give a damn' and I think it's going to be a rude awakening for him, more drama to come I'm sure....praying for the strength not to get drawn into it though
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Old 05-26-2010, 08:59 AM
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7 Hope you had a great birthday ride and dinner!!!!!

Perhaps responding to his little digs with an appropriately timed "Mmmhmmm" or "I see" or followed up with the "Well, I've got to go wash the dog now".

If he becomes too vile, you can always refuse to engage and walk away. Hugs!!!! And remember it's your house, your rules!!!

HG
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Old 05-26-2010, 09:52 AM
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He really has no respect for my house or my rules, last night he was talking to his on again/off again GF and she must have told him he sounded f****ed up....well he is out on my back porch yelling the F word to her (he uses the intimidation method with her...yelling and denying, etc..) anyway, I calmly told him to quit yelling profanity out on the porch, there are little kids next door, etc. I said I'm not sure who you think you are, but this is my house and you will not act that way here...inside or out but especially outside where you are subjecting the neighbors to that crap. He responded with something like 'I would rather just sleep in my car than put up with this crap'...this is where I stepped out of the convo whereas in the past I would have made a smart remark back and it would have escalated into a fight. Not sure he knew what to make of that as he got off the phone and went upstairs...didn't sleep in his car of course...
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Old 05-26-2010, 09:57 AM
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Wondering if anyone has any advice on how to get my husband to see that getting angry and throwing out threats that you aren't likely to follow up on is not conducive to our goal here.....ie I'll call the cops and have you removed..get a restraining order, etc..even threatening physical violence against AS.

This stuff never gets anybody anywhere and it upsets me to no end, which really messes with my 'serenity now' mantra.... I've been trying to get H to leave this up to me and just have my back on the boundaries I set, etc., but he isn't famous for having a calm temperment. I for sure don't want H to think I am defending AS, but really....we are all grown-ups (well most of us) and there is no need for yelling and threatening and screaming like a mad person..
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Old 05-26-2010, 12:33 PM
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How Alanon Works or Co-Dependent No More are books that pop into my head, if he's willing to read them. Counseling with an addiction specialist or a Parents of Addicts group is also helpful. For me, I think I had a huge lightbulb go off as I sat in a Parents Group one night and heard the testimony of one father who had not one, but TWO addict sons. Both had even been to prison! He had been coming to the group for over 10 years and had much wisdom to share. He was calm. He was serene. How the hell did he DO THAT??? He detached and allowed them the dignity of being the master of their own lives. He stopped supporting them financially on every level. He got back to the business of living his own life.

The thing that I keep in mind is this: What purpose is served by us ALL going down with the addict? He's gonna go down one way or the other given enough time...with or without our help. If/when he does go down, how are things made better by my own psychological, marital & financial destruction? I have another child who is trying hard to succeed.... shouldn't I be focused on her? If not, what happens to her?
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Old 05-26-2010, 12:57 PM
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I have heard many people in alanon say that the biggest gift you can give your child is your own recovery. I beleive it.. it's leading by example. When we are living and having healthy relationships, it is a stable place in their crazy world that they can look at and say'hey, that looks better than what i have". It's why I keep going to alanon.. those people are happy! I want to be like them.. and sometimes I even am!
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Old 05-26-2010, 01:56 PM
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Hurt, I swear you are raising my son.
Must be something in the water around here.

I too have had the f-bomb meltdowns when the neighbors could hear, the subtle and sometimes not so subtle threats and the constant tension in the home. I too had to hear others challenge him with idle threats when all I wanted was some peace.

Finally, I have a little of that peace I've been trying to achieve. AS is out of the home, and has been for a few months. Its a first for us, and trust me, I waited six years for the calm to return to my home. My home is now the sanctuary it once was. I now have no clue why I waited so long.

Hang in there, sooner or later something has got to give

(((Hugs)))
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Old 05-27-2010, 12:49 PM
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I'm struggling a little on if I should call him out when I think he's using? Ever since our 'talk' he has seemed 'normal'...although today when I went home for lunch I got an inkling that something wasn't quite right...that and his nose sounded stuffed even though he takes great care not to make it too obvious these days. I wanted to say something (I think mostly because I don't want him to think he is getting anything over on me haha). I know logically it won't do a damn bit of good. He mentioned something about coming to dinner at my moms later and I wanted to say 'don't bother if you are 'stuffed up'. But I didn't...should I have?

Tomorrow I will be asking him if he made his decision, he probably thinks I will let it go as long as he 'behaves'...nope
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Old 05-27-2010, 01:16 PM
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I wouldn't say it like that... Say what you mean. "I suspect that you are using again and would prefer that you stay away from Grandma's house." Whether he does or not is really between he and his grandmother, right? He may quack and squawk about how clean he is, but I would say "That may or may not be true for right now, but I have learned to trust my instincts, not listen to your words,...and my instincts tell me that you are using. Sorry."

I dunno... that's just me.
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Old 05-27-2010, 01:17 PM
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Originally Posted by Hurtbad2505 View Post
I'm struggling a little on if I should call him out when I think he's using?
The day I came home early from running errands and my house reeked of pot, that was it. AD went out the door.

There was no deadline to be out. It was out right then and there.

My home is a drug-free zone, period.

I discovered several cases of empty beer bottles stashed in the closet upstairs after I had kicked her out.

I gave her two weeks to come back and get the rest of her stuff in one shot, or it would all go in the dumpster.

My AD is a clever girl. She's survived quite nicely in spite of her addictions.
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Old 05-27-2010, 01:50 PM
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Originally Posted by tjp613 View Post
I wouldn't say it like that... Say what you mean. "I suspect that you are using again and would prefer that you stay away from Grandma's house." Whether he does or not is really between he and his grandmother, right? He may quack and squawk about how clean he is, but I would say "That may or may not be true for right now, but I have learned to trust my instincts, not listen to your words,...and my instincts tell me that you are using. Sorry."
You're right, say what I mean, and don't say it mean. I know if I would have said it the way I wanted to, it would have just been a big scene of denial....

I did let the moment pass though..I actually prayed real quick for HP to lead me on what to say/or not to say...felt like not saying anything was the right thing to do at the moment. It just pisses me off to no end that he would continue doing it and thinking I wouldn't notice...
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Old 05-27-2010, 01:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
The day I came home early from running errands and my house reeked of pot, that was it. AD went out the door.

There was no deadline to be out. It was out right then and there.

My home is a drug-free zone, period.

I discovered several cases of empty beer bottles stashed in the closet upstairs after I had kicked her out.

I gave her two weeks to come back and get the rest of her stuff in one shot, or it would all go in the dumpster.

My AD is a clever girl. She's survived quite nicely in spite of her addictions.
Thanks, I think my AS will do fine surviving without the comfy place to stay with no bills to speak of, I guess we will see soon!

The only reason I even hesitated to say anything is because there was no 'evidence' I suppose. I already gave him a deadline and he is to let me know tomorrow if he chooses rehab or out. No doubt if I 'knew' and saw use I would move that deadline up to like immediately
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Old 05-27-2010, 03:02 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
no evidence? umm....was it two whole days ago you found the rolled up dollar bill in his room? for the life of me and my years as an addict i NEVER found a single OTHER reason to roll up a dollar bill than to snort something.

drugs aside, is not his attitude and behavior enough to send him out the door?
he's 25 right.....? if he was NOT your son, just a 25 year old MAN living under your roof, would you tolerate this BS?

hold him to the same set of standards you would for anyone else......uphold your boundaries with the same integrity......you aren't considering PAYING for another round of HIS rehab are you??? unless they give out punch cards now, buy two get one free......i'd say it's time to cut the MAN loose!


Oh, I know Anvil...it is for sure time to cut loose and man up...I only gave him till the end of June to cut down on the drama and give him some time to get some money together for the move. I know he was snorting xanax and I've finally realized that he is going to keep snorting (insert whatever drug here) so time to go out into the real world...I can only hope that he uses the tools I know he has to get a life already! Not paying for any rehab for him and to be honest I'm 99% sure he isn't going to choose that option anyway. He's NOT doing any drugs ya know..

I'm just wondering in the meantime if I suspect he is high should I call him on it or just save my breath and bide my time till he is out. Trust me, even one more dollar bill in a suspicous shape and deadline moved up...

At my meeting last night a lady there was talking about how much her marriage and life in general has improved since her AS moved out (even though he is still using)...I want that peace I saw in her
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Old 05-27-2010, 03:04 PM
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Originally Posted by Hurtbad2505 View Post
Thanks so much for the support today everyone...headed home now, jumping on the Harley with the hubby and going out for a b-day dinner, enjoying life when I can..as often as I can...
Thank you again!
I am sitting home at lunch time, just reading through all of the awesome replies to you, feeling your pain. My daughter is in a homeless shelter. She also went through a methadone program, relapsed two days out off of it. =( Just two nights ago her old friend called me to tell me my daughter was calling her "friends" looking for heroin. Don't even know how she could get money. =(

Anyway, I can totally relate to your life with your son as it closely mirrors mine and what I have gone through the past two years.

But then, I read the part about getting on the Harley and I said "Wow, that's what I do!" I have my own, and whenever I ride it, I feel so free, and I don't have a care in the world. But lately, I have been so upset that getting on it just doesn't seem safe. Letting things get the better of me, you just reminded me of something I love to do but haven't because I am so wrapped up in my AD's life right now.

Thank you, I needed to hear that.

~C
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Old 05-27-2010, 03:16 PM
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Originally Posted by Hurtbad2505 View Post
At my meeting last night a lady there was talking about how much her marriage and life in general has improved since her AS moved out (even though he is still using)...I want that peace I saw in her
That peace is possible, and it's available when you are ready to grab it.

I'm going to speak to you now as a recovering addict, not as the mother of an addict.

He's using you, period.

Every day that goes by that he is still under your roof, internally he is thumbing his nose at you, and will continue to use every chance he gets.

As long as I had enablers, I was never going to hit a bottom.

You don't owe him a thing, including time to save up money for a place.

Your healing, your peace can start whenever you make that choice.

Until then, expect the same old same old from your AS.

It really is that simple. Is it easy? No, it was one of the hardest things I ever did to completely detach and let go of my AD.

That's when the healing and peace began for me.

BTW, her drug of choice right now is Xanax, and she's still not welcome in my home.
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Old 05-27-2010, 07:27 PM
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Originally Posted by 357girl View Post
I am sitting home at lunch time, just reading through all of the awesome replies to you, feeling your pain. My daughter is in a homeless shelter. She also went through a methadone program, relapsed two days out off of it. =(

Ouch...that is my greatest fear, but one I now realize is out of my control


Anyway, I can totally relate to your life with your son as it closely mirrors mine and what I have gone through the past two years.

But then, I read the part about getting on the Harley and I said "Wow, that's what I do!" I have my own, and whenever I ride it, I feel so free, and I don't have a care in the world. But lately, I have been so upset that getting on it just doesn't seem safe. Letting things get the better of me, you just reminded me of something I love to do but haven't because I am so wrapped up in my AD's life right now.

Thank you, I needed to hear that.

~C
I spent the whole last summer going on these awesome rides with my H and our friends...as the whole time in the back of my mind I was thinking...holy crap..did I lock everything up at home? Is he going to let my little dog out and forget about her? What am I going to find when I get home? And then getting calls from my daughter telling me that her brother is calling her asking if she knows my pin number for my bankcard ... ugh. I am not going through another summer like that...don't want to live another minute like that, but I made the offer and will stick to it. He needs to go out on his own no matter what happens so...

I hope you get out on your bike and enjoy that feeling that you so deserve...your AD is going to do what she is going to do whether you are enjoying your life or fretting about hers...that is part of my mantra these days too
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Old 05-27-2010, 07:30 PM
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
That peace is possible, and it's available when you are ready to grab it.

I'm going to speak to you now as a recovering addict, not as the mother of an addict.

He's using you, period.

Every day that goes by that he is still under your roof, internally he is thumbing his nose at you, and will continue to use every chance he gets.

As long as I had enablers, I was never going to hit a bottom.

You don't owe him a thing, including time to save up money for a place.

Your healing, your peace can start whenever you make that choice.

Until then, expect the same old same old from your AS.

It really is that simple. Is it easy? No, it was one of the hardest things I ever did to completely detach and let go of my AD.

That's when the healing and peace began for me.

BTW, her drug of choice right now is Xanax, and she's still not welcome in my home.
Wow, that is exactly how I feel when I 'think' he may be snorting the xanax...like he is thumbing his nose at me and not taking me seriously...that just makes me angry as hell..

Thanks for that, I am planning to ask him tomorrow what he has chosen for his life....and then I am planning on telling him I love him with all my heart, but it's time he acts his age and moves along with life....
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Old 05-27-2010, 07:38 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
give him some time to get some money together for the move.

ok that might be what YOU want to happen....however what it says to HIM is
I'm not really serious about this and even tho I KNOW without question that you are USING in my HOME, I am going to allow you to continue to do so and keep paying your rent and give you that much more money to spend on dope.

what makes you think he is NOW going to suddenly turn into a responsible adult again? you already stated that drug use was NOT acceptable in your home...then you found evidence of drug use and now you are saying well, dangit one more time and that's it!!! he's not gonna uphold or respect your boundaries......that's gonna be your job. you have an addict in active addiction using drugs illegally IN your home RIGHT NOW.......
I know he doesn't take me seriously...as my husband says...'he thinks you are a joke'....thing is, I am done with the threats and the one more times...I feel like you think I am going to let him slide on this yet one more time...nope..not gonna happen.

I am using the tools that I have learned to finally put my foot down and put him out,. if he is not using should I tell him out now even though I already gave him the month to get it together and go? I'm confused now....not sure if he is using since I set this boundary...just wondered if it was worth my time and energy to call him on it if I 'think' he is considering he is on a deadline anyway..
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Old 05-27-2010, 07:42 PM
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Gotta wonder when the doctors are going to realize that Xanax is just a big of a problem as Oxycotin these days. I know they don't hand out the OXy scripts as easily as they use to, but doesn't seem to be a problem for anyone to get a benzo script without much effort. AS seems to have no problem at all finding someone who will sell their script...
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Old 05-27-2010, 08:25 PM
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Well, if I was a gambling type, I'd bet $$ that you WILL find evidence of his using sooner rather than later and the situation will resolve itself. When you do find the evidence plan now how much time you will give him to get his stuff and get out. I'd suggest one hour.
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